Why Does He Keep Coming Back to Me?

This is a question from the Paige Parker Facebook page from Mariangie

“I have had an on/off long distance relationship for the past 2.5 years. Seems just when I’m about to forget him, he comes back to my life. Or every time he breaks up with his new girlfriend. For the first time i decided to break things off completely, it’s been 6 weeks with no contact. My question is, why does he keep coming back to me? And why can’t I get over him? This time even though I ended it, I’ve been really struggling with it, crying almost every night and hardly sleeping.”

Dear Mariangie,

This is a tough situation and my heart goes out to you. On again/off again relationships can be incredibly trying. All those breakups are painful to say the least.

Let me answer your questions first.

1. Why does he come back to you?

Because he can. Because you let him. Because you take him back. When he is hurting from some other break up, he knows you will take him back and help him get on his feet emotionally. After feeling better, he’s off to seek love from another. That’s not very rewarding for you.

2. Why is he so hard to get over?

It’s hard to get over a man that you remain open and attached to. Every time you break up, then take him back, your healing goes back to zero. Without enough space, it’s very difficult to make the clean breakup that would help you recover. He seems to literally drain the energy out of you when he returns for his own selfish emotional recovery.

I am not a therapist by any means, but there seems to be a potentially addictive quality to your arrangement. When you open to his return, you expend your energy helping him to heal. But then he takes off leaving YOU in need of healing. I don’t see much reciprocity or balance here. You may love him, but what does he do for you?

Right now, let me acknowledge you for ending it. I know how hard that must have been. As I would share with any of my dating coaching clients, things will improve once you really let go of him. Promise yourself that you will never take him back as a move for self-preservation. This is a way to honor yourself and build self-esteem. Then, establish a firm boundary for yourself so he can never again suck the healing life force out of you.

While this is not easy, the best thing you can do for yourself is to DECIDE that you deserve more. You deserve a man who wants to be with you when he feels strong, not needy. You deserve a man who adores you and wants a long and satisfying relationship. You deserve a reciprocal relationship that is balanced, with sharing and support for each other.

Make yourself your #1 priority. Maybe see a professional  to talk this over. Try some energetic healing work. Take good care of yourself for a while to facilitate your own healing. Then take steps to build your self-esteem and confidence.

Learn to think of yourself as worthy of a good man with good intentions for a loving, healthy relationship that works for the both of you. He’s out there, so every drop of this effort for your own healing is extremely worthwhile.

Don’t miss the Dating Without Drama Relationship Advice for Women Guide.