Why Did He Disappear?

Why.  Why oh why oh why.  You both had a great time, right?  Things went well.  Laughing.  Joking.  Maybe even a kiss.  So why didn’t he call again?

Before I continue, as I say more often times than not, I’ve had this done to me as well, so this isn’t necessarily a gender-specific dating experience.  But I’ll go ahead and say guys are guilty of ‘disappearing’ more than ladies are.

Reasons are likely numerous, but aside from the players out there, the number 1 reason we guys “disappear” would have to be… *drumroll*:

There wasn’t any chemistry.  Meaning, we didn’t click.

Anti-climactic, I know.

If things turned physical, or there was promises for a next time, or even simply that the other party felt a strong connection, the person left in the dark is, rightly so, frickin’ mad!

But I think guys feel there’s a quick return policy when it comes to dating.  We’re not complete idiots – once we’re in a relationship, we can’t get away with the disappearing act.  But in that 1 – 2 date period, we feel we can opt out, no questions asked.

I typically don’t do the disappearing – I get disappeared on.  But I have done it.  Once.

I went on a date.  Great girl.  Pretty.  Smart.  Driven.  Awesome!  We saw this play that was still in “previews”, as they were gearing up for a big run soon.  The night overall was great!

But there wasn’t a ‘click’ with her.  No ‘spark.’  I can’t put my finger on it exactly, but I know when I feel it and know when I don’t.  And it wasn’t here.

So a day or two passed and she proposed a second date via email.  I told her I’d have to see if I was free, and stalled.  At this point, I knew I wasn’t into this girl, so the good guy in me wanted to just be completely honest and say, “I had a good time, but I’m not into you.”  But that felt really harsh.  A day or two had passed in my indecision, which is when I turned to a female friend for advice and who I figured would agree with me.  I just wanted her opinion on the way I should say it.

But quite the contrary!  I had passed some sort of contact-time-zone and she said, “First, you already messed up.  So, at this point, might there be some day in the future where, if you run into her at a party, things might spark then?”  My date had been great, so I replied honestly and said, “I guess it’s possible.”  My friend said, “Then don’t close that door.  If you run into her in the future, apologize for being an idiot and you’ll still have a shot.  But if you reject her now, you’re done forever.”

Huh.  So I did that.  I never responded to her.

Now I’ve been on the receiving end of the ‘disappearing act.’  I’ve called and never heard back and I was left to wonder.  What the heck did I do wrong?  Did my breath stink?  Was my fly unzipped?  Did I burp (audibly)?

Did she not like my Mix CD?

But after a day or two of anguish, I – as I’m sure most people do – reach a point where I know I’m just never going to know and fretting over it isn’t going to do any good.  So I let it go.  But that feeling always lingers, doesn’t it?

I will say that, in hindsight, I felt I should’ve been honest with that girl.  I don’t know if women really want to hear “I just wasn’t down with you,” but for me, I’ll do that in the future, as delicately as I can.  Because I’d rather know.

I probably sound like a real jerk, but I had never been in those shoes before – and haven’t been since.  But I did get to see, first-hand, why someone might just… disappear!

The point of this is not to give false hope.  If a guy disappears on you, I’ll be honest – it may be that he’s wishy-washy on how he feels.  He may be still thinking about an ex.  Or your breath might’ve stunk!  The truth is, you’ll never know, and the best you can do is let it go and (try) not to let it taint your opinion of an entire gender.  We all make mistakes at some point.

But, now I want to know – what do you ladies think?  Do you want a guy to call you back and say he’s not interested??  Or would you actually rather he just disappear?  The comment box awaits!