This question is from Suzi who posted it on the Dating Without Drama Facebook Page.
“I’m single at the moment and would love to not be, but my dilemma is that I have an illness which although not fatal does limit my energy and abilities, sometimes to a point I might be in bed a couple of days at a time or in a low mood. I am on internet dating but never sure how much to tell at the beginning. I have tried being open from the off, but new guys disappear and I’ve also waited a while and same thing has happened. Is there a right time to open up or does this mean I’m doomed to stay single? :( “
My heart goes out to Suzi and of course anyone who is in this situation for several reasons. But, I’m going to confine my comments here to dating.
I realize this is a big statement but I’m going to say it anyway.
As a woman, when you are meeting a new guy, meet him first as a desirable woman.
That is your job as a dater. When you are looking for love, the people you meet will want to know how you will fill this roll first.
Sometimes a woman goes on a date as a mother first, sharing everything about her children. This isn’t a good approach because men want to know they have a chance of being important too and maybe top priority at least on occasion. (By the way, this is also true for women meeting fathers.)
Sometimes women go on a date as a powerful executive. This can be a problem because he might feel that you want to compete with him – a surefire romance killer. Men already compete with women in the work force, they don’t want to do it on a date as well.
Sometimes women go on a date as a victim of a bad marriage, difficult childhood, financial strain, troubled dating life, etc. These things may be true about your life, but not what you want to lead with when meeting someone new.
Sometimes women go on a date as their health report. Your health is a crucial and major factor in your life. But don’t lead with it in the same way a person who is the picture of health doesn’t lead with that either. No one goes on a date and says, “I’m really healthy, date me!”
The savvy dating approach is to put your best foot forward, and lead with what is good about you and your life. That’s what makes you attractive.
The purpose of dating is to get to know someone to discover if you are compatible, enjoy each others’ company and have chemistry. Once you bring up difficult subjects and private details, you shift the focus off your personality and good qualities and place it on your troubles. There is plenty of time to share those intimate details.
Holding off about your health or other issues is not hiding the facts. However, it is much better than leading with your concerns. You don’t want to challenge your dates by saying, “Here’s a big problem – and I challenge you to get to know me and love me in spite of it.” In reality and fairness, not many would sign up.
You will tell your date and you will be honest. But first, wait to see:
- If he calls you for a second date?
- If he is consistent – does he call you regularly?
- If he asks to see you and takes you on dates?
- If he asks about your life?
- If he treats you the way you want to be treated?
- If he is fun to be with?
- If he shares similar values and seems compatible?
You need to first give yourselves a chance to get to know each other to discover what is good.
The point of dating is not full disclosure upfront to see if your date will take up the challenge you represent. The point of dating is to see if there is a potential match before you share intimate details and discuss your issues. This is totally normal and not deceptive in the least.
After 4 – 6 dates, if you start to see potential in your date, then you can bring up some of your issues, whether they be health-related, about your ex, children, financials, or whatever troubles you want to share.
This allows your dates a shot at getting to know what’s wonderful about you, building a foundation for trust. Then, when you share a personal problem, there is a better chance the person might stick around anyway. Because they have become interested in your life and started to care about you. The person’s heart is more open to you as a whole person, not just as the problem you shared upfront.
On the flip side, if what you share is too much for him, 4-6 dates is not that much time to have invested. It won’t be that hard to move on if he chooses to reject you.
Give people a chance to know who you are as a person before you label yourself with your problems and share more information than a new acquaintance deserve to know.
Anything is possible. Give yourself and your dating prospects, and love a chance.
