Fact: Most men want sex whenever and however they can get it.
Fact: Many women will sleep with a man to try to gain – or keep - his interest.
Fact: It’s fairly easy for an attractive, desirable man to get sex, so many will reject a woman if she’s not ready to jump in the sack on the first few dates.
So what do you do when you’re a Dating Without Drama woman?
Someone who insists on being in a committed, monogamous relationship before getting intimate?
How do you find a good guy who’s interested in more than just sex?
This question comes from Jill A. in our Facebook community. She asks: I feel like all I ever get are men who are just buying dinner and waiting for the right time to ask for SEX…are there any men anymore that want a good healthy relationship? Who want to share a life together and have the real thing??? Maybe MARRIAGE??? UGH! I’m so sick of all of it, I just want to stay by myself…am I alone in this???
Hi Jill,
I understand your frustration but I can tell you with absolute certainty that there ARE good guys out there who are looking for a healthy relationship, commitment and marriage. It’s just a matter of attracting them… and you can do so by looking in the right places and being clear about who you are and what you’re looking for along the way.
But wait…how EXACTLY do you do that? Let’s break it down.
TIP #1: DON’T GO TO THE DESERT LOOKING FOR WATER
In other words, look for good guys where good guys hang out. If a serious relationship is your goal, then don’t waste your precious time in bars, clubs, or on websites like “OnlineBootyCall.com” (it really exists. No kidding.)
Most likely, the men you’ll meet in these places are looking for the “low-hanging fruit” — aka women who will hop into bed with them quickly and easily, without the man having to put forth much effort . (More on the “low-hanging fruit” theory in a bit…)
So where CAN you expect to find better quality men? Well, as I explain in Chapter 3 of “Dating Without Drama,” attending places and events that are significant or meaningful to you is a great way to come in contact with guys who share similar interests and ideals.
- VOLUNTEER/CHARITY WORK Think about it: you’ve been meaning to do some volunteering anyway, so it’s a good, positive use of your free time. The BONUS just happens to be that there might be some goodhearted single guys there. Generally, selfish and mean people don’t gravitate toward doing good works, so you can be pretty sure that the men you meet aren’t jerks. That’s better than you can say for the ones you meet in a bar!
- THROUGH YOUR RELIGIOUS/SPIRITUAL ORGANIZATION If you are a spiritual person, this same principle applies to meeting men at church, temple, a religious singles’ group, yoga/meditation class, etc… Not only is it likely that you’ve found a worthy date, but you might also be surprised at how much quicker you can bond with someone who already shares your values.
- SOCIAL CLUBS Social clubs are also good places to meet guys who share similar interests with you. For example, my friend Marnie is really into hiking (it’s soooo not my thing, but she loves it). She joined a hiking club just for fun and some extra exercise, and on the first outing she met a hunky hiker dude who she really hit it off with. A few months later when the hiking club took a weekend camping trip, the two of them shared a tent. ‘Nuff said.
- CLASSES Don’t forget classes, too. Taking a creative writing seminar, signing up for kickboxing lessons, and enrolling at a continuing education class at your local university are all good avenues to meet men who are interested in learning something new and improving themselves (always good traits to have!).
- THE DOG RUN Another place to meet good men is at the dog run of your local park. Guys who love animals are just more loving people all around. Of course it’s always better if you have a dog to bring (nothing is a better icebreaker than a little butt-sniffing… and I mean between your dog and his!), but even if you don’t you can still stop by to watch the puppies frolic. If you see a man who looks interesting there, it can’t hurt to ask him about his dog. Try something like, “Is that a boxer? I’m thinking of getting a dog but I don’t know what breed. Do boxers bark much?” and see where the conversation takes you.
- TARGETED ONLINE DATING SITES As I mentioned earlier, OnlineBootyCall.com is not the right dating site for a woman who is looking for a man who will respect and cherish her. However, there are many sites devoted to connecting people of the same faith — for example, ChristianMingle.com for Christians and and JDate.com for Jewish singles. A quick Google search should bring up targeted sites for almost any religious or spiritual affiliation. You can increase your odds of meeting the kind of man you’re looking for just by switching from a general site like Match.com (where many members are looking for hook ups or casual dating) to eHarmony.com, whose members tend to be looking for long-term relationships and marriage.
TIP #2: DON’T ROT WITH THE LOW-HANGING FRUIT; BE PROUD TO BE THE SHINY APPLE AT THE TOP OF THE TREE
The truth is, most men do want sex whenever – and however – they can get it. But for the many good guys out there, the ultimate prize is an intimate relationship with a woman whom they have a deep and meaningful commitment. The right man will respect your values, cherish you as a person, and willingly wait for the right time to be intimate with you, when you’re ready.
So as frustrating as it might be to waste a Saturday night with someone whom you thought you had a good connection…only to realize that he suggested the lobster dinner in hopes that’d get you in the sack, look on the bright side. By (politely) refusing sex and letting a man know that you’re waiting for a committed, monogamous relationship, you’re applying a great litmus test. If he runs for the hills, good riddance. He’s clearly not worthy of you. If he sticks around and continues to pursue you (while respecting your boundaries), then you can be pretty sure this guy is a good catch.
Low-hanging fruit may be easy but, eventually, easy gets boring. Most men love a good challenge, and when you stand up for your beliefs and refuse to fall into bed with just anyone, it sets you apart from all the women out there who will. The good men who are looking for a relationship -for a wife – will be thrilled to meet a woman like you.
True intimacy is something that’s built with trust and shared experiences over time and can’t be created through sex alone. When you’re in a committed relationship with someone who cherishes you, you’ll both know that it was worth the wait.
Good luck and keep us posted!
Your friend,
Paige
PS – Want YOUR burning question to be answered next week? Go to my Facebook page anytime Monday-Thursday and post your question. On Thursdays, I’ll answer the one with the most “Likes.”
