Has this ever happened to you: An attractive guy approaches you (at a bar, a party, wherever) and starts chatting you up.
He’s nice, interesting, funny, and immediately you feel a spark for him. He asks for your number, but the moment you give it to him you think, “Well that was pointless. He’ll never call.”
But then a day or two later he does call. Not only that, he asks you out on a date.
You go out to a great restaurant, have a fascinating conversation, and he ends the night with a kiss. (A really good one at that!)
But instead of really letting yourself enjoy it, you translate the kiss to mean a big kiss-off, as in, “See ya later… I’ll never hear from this guy again.”
Surprise, surprise! The next day your phone rings and it’s him, calling to tell you what an amazing time he had last night and asking when he can see you for a second date.
But instead of dancing around your living room in celebration of the fact that you met a good guy who is actually courting you, you spiral into a tailspin.
You feel nervous. Unsettled. Everything is going just a little too well…
Suddenly you’re like: “WAITAMINUTE!!! Something must be wrong with this guy!”
Then you become determined to figure out exactly what it is.
And if you can’t find something that’s actually wrong, well, you may just end up inventing something disastrous in your head.
Nod your head if you’ve been there…
It’s a sad state of affairs, but I think that most of us women have had so many negative experiences with men that we find it virtually impossible to believe it when a relationship actually goes right.
It’s like until there’s a major flaw with a guy (either an emotional issue we need to ‘fix,’ a physical characteristic we need to learn to get over, or an indifferent attitude toward us that makes us think we need to convince this man that we’re good enough for him), we can’t believe that he’s for real.
In other words, when things are finally good, we can actually end up creating our own drama just so we can say, “Ahhh, OK. This feels familiar.”
I swear… it’s like all the bad guys out there have ruined it for the good guys!
When did we women become so cynical?
These days, we think a good man is like a unicorn…
We spend our childhood dreaming that we’ll actually find one someday…
…And then when finally do we say, “Oh come on… This is just a figment of my imagination. Unicorns (good men) don’t really exist.”
The truth is, there are good guys out there! Why should it be so unbelievable to think that when one of them meets a phenomenal woman like you, he knows he needs to do whatever it takes to keep you?
That he actually might want to call you just to hear your voice?
That he can’t wait for his next date with you… to get to know you better and hopefully get another one of those amazing kisses he was so lucky to receive last time?
Hey…it can happen. And it will happen to you when you learn to Date Without Drama.
You just have to do a little work to open your heart, shake off those years of bad experiences that may have made you cynical or untrusting in any way, and get in the right frame of mind to receive the healthy love that you truly do deserve!
Read on for a real-life example of this from a reader…
Drama of the Week:
“How Do I Know How He Really Feels?”
Here’s an actual reader email:
I read your book weeks ago and I really enjoyed it. However, I am still desperate for your advice!
I met this very nice guy a few weeks ago.
We met in a bar, he was with his friend and I was having some drinks with my sister. My sister started talking to someone and I was standing in the bar alone. He came up and talked to me. I noticed him the moment we walked into the bar and I was really happy that he took the first step.
He offered to buy me a drink and I accepted. We got talking and it turned out he was an investment banker/trader.
He asked me to dance, we started dancing and of course he kissed me!
We stayed out all night talking, and he helped me to get a taxi home at 4:00 in the morning!
The next morning, Sunday, he texted me to say that he was very happy to have met me and he hoped to see me again soon. I didn’t reply till Monday because I had another date on Sunday. I just replied, ‘hope to see you soon.’
The next weekend I was in Ibiza for my birthday and he was in Barcelona for a bachelor party. He texted me ‘let’s meet up when we both get back to London.’
So we did, there was no communication till Wednesday, when he texted asking about my weekend in Ibiza and invited me for drinks after work on Thursday. I couldn’t stop smiling!
We had a drink on Thursday, it felt like a job interview, he was asking lots of questions about me, but I thought maybe he is interested. When we left the bar I got the idea that he wanted to come back with me but I just said I’ll walk home andwe said goodbye. I believe this is the point where I started making mistakes.
When I got home I was wondering if I’d see him again so I called him just to let him know I’d gotten home safe. He just said ‘goodnight, we’ll talk soon.’
I was convinced that after that I’d never see him again but he texted me on Saturday afternoon to ask me if I had plans and if I wanted to have a drink.
I was out with a girlfriend so I called him after a couple of hours on my way home to say ‘yes, I can meet you tonight.’
The date was going fine, we were clicking, we’d both talked about ourselves, he was holding my hand, etc.
We continued talking on the phone after this. He even called me to ask me about a job interview that I’d had and he showed to be interested in me. However, he hadn’t asked me out again.
I waited for two weeks, and then not being able to control myself any longer, I confronted him.
When I called him he was in St. Tropez, he said he was on a business trip in Paris and that he had gone to St. Tropez for the weekend. I told him that if he doesn’t want to keep in touch that is fine by me but I deserve an explanation.
He said that he wanted more than to keep in touch, but he was very busy for the next four weeks because he had to go to his brother’s wedding in Spain and then on a roadshow in France and that he is moving to a new flat the weekend after that. So we can meet 4 weeks in the future.
I answered that I have my friend’s wedding on that Saturday and we shall see if we’ll meet again. But then, he said that it is not a problem with us and he is thinking about me and wants to meet me, it is just that for the next month he doesn’t have time for anyone in his life.
He said that he cares about me and he wants to see me when he’ll be back. Finally, he asked me to trust him. I didn’t say anything, except for OK.
Half an hour after we’d closed the phone he texted me the following. ‘I want to keep seeing you!!! I care about you! OK???’ I only answered ‘OK :-)’ after a couple of hours.
It’s been a week since this conversation and I don’t know what I should do. I think that he should be the one to call me but do I have to wait 3 more weeks??
He had also asked me if I want to go on holiday. But we haven’t booked anything yet.
My friends are going on holiday soon. I don’t have enough holiday days at work to go both with my friends now and with him in September if everything goes well.
If I don’t go on holiday with my friends, I’ll end up spending a whole week alone with my parents in Greece. So what should I do? Should I wait for three weeks without contacting him or should I send him a text message saying that I also care about him and I am looking forward to meeting him in three weeks?
I am impatient by nature and I really hate that I have to wait so long without knowing. I would be so grateful if you could advise me on this. The advice you give people is always so brilliant.
Thank you so much.
Paige Parker’s Dating Tip:
“Don’t Sabotage A Good Thing!”
Thanks for writing!
Ok, from what I can tell, it seems that this guy is really interested in you. He’s has taken a lot of initiative to pursue you, beginning with approaching you, making the first move to kiss you, texting you the very next day after meeting you, asking you for a second and third date, even remembering that you had a job interview and checking in to see how it went.
In other words, he was doing everything right.
Then, as you said in your email to me, “I believe this is the point when I started making mistakes.”
First of all, I will say that it sounds like you’re being a little too hard on yourself. I hardly think that letting him know that you got home safely constitutes a mistake. After all, it’s true that most men like a challenge, but they also need some encouragement along the way to know that the woman they’re pursuing is actually interested in them.
After all the calls, texts, and dates he asked you out on, it seems fine to me that you called him. As long as you’re allowing him to take the lead, I don’t see you jeopardizing the excitement he feels in getting to know you better.
And secondly, based on the details you’ve provided me, it seems like his interest in you never waned. The shift you felt in the outlook of the relationship? I think that it may have been all in your head!
I have a hunch I know what happened: You panicked.
You started feeling like things were too good to be true and you just couldn’t trust it.
Am I right?
You met a man who was attractive, attentive, kind, and – most frightening of all – he really seemed to like you. And, you said it yourself: “I was convinced that I’d never see him again.”
Although his behavior (and his text messages, for that matter) has never said anything other than “I like you and I want to keep seeing you,” you still psyched yourself out.
Of course, not hearing from a guy for two weeks can be unsettling for even the most self-assured woman, so I don’t blame you for getting worked up when he seemed to disappear.
However, at this point, when you contacted him you had already made up your mind that something was wrong and he needed to be confronted.
Instead of calling and confidently saying something like, “Hi, how are you? Been a while since we talked so I wanted to say hello,” you acted out of fear and said, “if you don’t want to keep in touch that is fine by me but I deserve an explanation.”
The truth is, people DO get busy, and while that doesn’t excuse his flaky behavior, his lack of contact may mean nothing more than that he’s got a lot going on. You two had just started dating and didn’t have a solidified commitment yet, so he may not have been clear on what your expectations are in regards to contact.
I still think he’s interested, and at this point I recommend giving him the benefit of the doubt…for now.
So that brings us to the present moment. Your guy in the midst of his world travels through Paris, St. Tropez, Spain, France, and wherever else his business and family obligations may take him. (Lucky guy!)
And you’re wondering what’s going to happen next.
Well… I hate to break it to you, but whatever is going to happen is what’s going to happen!
Now, I don’t mean for that to sound cheeky at all… It’s just that you admitted that you’re impatient (no judgments – we all can be, myself included). But there’s nothing you can do to force things to work out a certain way. Either he’ll be true to his word and get in contact with you when he returns to London and you’ll resume seeing each other, or things will fade out.
So in the meantime, until you know which outcome will happen, I suggest taking care of yourself.
It’s spring… have fun. Go on holiday with your girlfriends (don’t wait for him). It will take your mind off of the situation and you’ll have a great time. If you don’t go and instead wait for him and hope that things work out, you’ll feel nervous, needy, and if he doesn’t take you away you’ll feel full of resentment and regret.
(I explain the importance of making your own needs a priority in Chapter 2 of ‘Dating Without Drama’:
Truth is, your relationship with him can still develop without going on holiday with him. In fact, you’re still getting to know one another so it may even be too soon to plan a getaway. And it’s certainly too soon to put all your other plans on hold and wait for him!
When he returns hopefully everything will return to where you were before he went away, you can continue to date, and maybe even go on a weekend mini-break or something (you’ll still get quality time with him without having to take extra time off from work).
And because you will have been utilizing your time away from him to do things that you enjoy, you will feel more confident and fulfilled and that will send a much more empowered vibe to him.
I don’t need to tell you that confidence is a million times sexier than neediness!
Don’t have my book, “Dating Without Drama,” yet? Grab your copy here.