How To Get Me To Listen To You More [Advice From Men]

Do you ever feel like your man is not listening to you?  Does it seem like his mind is wandering when you’re trying to tell him about important stuff happening in your life?  Have you ever found yourself saying to him:

“Are you even listening to a word I’m saying?  It seems like you don’t even care about what I’m trying to tell you.”

I know my wife and I have had this conversation on a few occasions.  It took a few years, but I was finally able to put my finger on why it was hard to listen to my wife when she would tell me things.  I couldn’t figure out why I would often start to feel annoyed when she would talk to me – why listening became so difficult.  It wasn’t because I didn’t care.  It wasn’t because I was distracted by something else.

Here’s an example.  Often my wife will begin to tell me a story about something from her day.  I’m interested, and listen to her as she recounts details, names, things that happened, things people said, her reactions, her thoughts and her feelings.  Soon, I’ll start to feel annoyed and, consciously or sub-consciously, start sending back non-verbal cues that I’m starting to disengage – wandering eyes, change in facial expression, sighing, etc.  My wife picks up on this and feels hurt because it seems like I’m not listening to her.

I finally came to the realization that it’s all about COMMUNICATION STYLES.  When I realized this, it was like a light went on in my head.  I finally understood why it was so hard for me to listen to my wife tell me stories about her day – we have different communication styles!  Her style of communication is more narrative.  Her story-telling is like a spiral that starts from the outside details and slowly winds through various information until it eventually zero’s in on the central point.  My communication style is more conclusion-oriented.  I start with the main point, and then spiral my way out to the supporting details.  You can see the conflict right?  Often, when my wife is telling me about something, I’m thinking,

“What is the point?  Where is this going?  I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be listening for.”

And she’s thinking,

“I’m trying tell this story, but he’s not listening to any of the details.  There’s no way he’s going to understand the point I’m trying to make.”

See, we have different communication styles, and thus different expectations for sharing and listening.

This might not apply to everyone.  But, this is something that has been helpful for my wife and I to understand about each other.  If you are having communication trouble with your man, consider the possibility that differing communication styles, is the culprit.