Why "Perfect" Men Are Dangerous

Hey Girlfriend,

You can't concentrate...

You find yourself laughing for no apparent reason...

You haven't had an appetite in days ...

You are positively ecstatic to the point of being GIDDY.

(And this has nothing to do with drinking one too many
apple martinis.)

So what could all of this MEAN?

You're in love!

Or at least, you THINK you are...

But wait a minute!!!

Are you REALLY?

Have you actually spent enough time with "Mr. Perfect"
to know for sure that he has all of the qualities you're
looking for?

Or is it possible that you're in love with the IDEA of
him?

I mean, could you really know that he is
* kind
* considerate
* smart
* compassionate
* a good communicator
* has similar life goals and dreams and
* will treat you well
all in the span of a couple of weeks?

Of course it's human nature to get swept up in the whirlwind
of excitement of a new romance, especially in the beginning.

But the truth is, the only way that a REAL relationship can
emerge is by giving it TIME to develop in a healthy way.

In the first few weeks of dating, both people are on their
best behavior. It's virtually impossible that you'll get
a peek at any of the skeletons in his closet or see any
of the red flags. (You're too busy trying to prove how
fabulous YOU are.) And it doesn't really matter - you're
both only seeing what you WANT to see anyway.

In my eBook "Dating Without Drama," I describe this phenomenon
called the "Infatuation Phase," and explain exactly how to
handle it.

Here's a teaser: although it can be positively exhilarating,
it can also be very DANGEROUS if you're not careful...

Case in point, this letter that I just got from a reader.
Read on for a cautionary tale that will blow your mind!

- - - Drama of the Week: "Runaway Infatuation" - - -

Here's a letter I received from a reader:

Dear Paige,

I've purchased "Dating Without Drama" and it's a really good
read. I agree with everything you've said and though I haven't
made most of the mistakes you discussed, I have made a big one
that I'm sitting here regretting.

We didn't make it past the BIG FIGHT.

If you have any advice - brutal honesty - to offer please do so.

Here's the situation:

He is a co-worker (bad already...I know). I think from the
moment I laid eyes on him there was a mutual attraction.
We fought it hard for the first week or two but as he helped
me get acclimated to the new place (I was the new employee by
the way) we had to spend most of our 8 hours together and that,
of course, helped our attraction to grow.

I was making plans for my birthday that was coming up and he
asked me what I would be doing. I told him I would be coming
into the city to party and go to a carnival they were having.
He said he wanted to meet me. Inside I was thinking this will
be so cool because I'll get to have a little "friend" in him
outside of work. And yes the thought of kissing him ran
through my mind. So I wouldn't have to drive I got a hotel
in the city and he picked me up and had a birthday card for me.
I thought that was so sweet.

He took me around to meet his closest friends. We went to the
mall together to help me pick out something to wear to this
fancy club he wanted to take me to later for my b-day. In every
store we stopped and could not keep our hands off of each other.
In the car he held my hand and kissed it softly while he drove.
You did catch that this was the first date right?

By the time we got back to work Monday, we were both equally
experiencing the chemical reaction you described in your book
as infatuation. He didn't waste any time letting me know that
he wanted us to be exclusive and I didn't have to ask "where
is this relationship going?".

As if seeing each other 8 hours a day wasn't enough we had to
talk and be with each other all the time. This is week one by
the way, in case I've lost you.

We both would remark about how crazy it was how fast everything
was happening. Once we were kissing goodbye as we left work
and he mumbled that we could be married in a year. Obviously
he's not scared of commitment... although the comment scared
the crap out of me I'll admit.

In week 2 he offered to have me stay with him in the city 4
days a week at LEAST so I would save on gas and mileage from
my long commute. I said "are you sure you wouldn't get sick of
me?" He said he would love to have me around.

So when did it all come crashing down? We decided to spend 4th
of July weekend together...of course. He told me to bring my
clothes so I wouldn't have to go back home.

We went to a really nice restaurant but got there pretty late.
We got the run around on seating and whether or not the
kitchen was still open. It made him very frustrated as he
was extremely hungry. I tried to remain calm to keep him
calm. Eventually we were seated and placed our orders.
However, after an hour of waiting we were informed that the
kitchen had closed.

Though he sat at the table appearing calm, he'd made a
statement that he would flip the table over if they came back
and told us they didn't have any food. Not knowing him that
well, I was nervous and didn't know if he would or not. But
by the time the manager came over to give all of these
different excuses about why we just received the worst service
in history, I was now furious! Bad customer service is my
biggest pet peeve.

I decided since my baby was starving and obviously livid that
I would handle the situation. The tables then turned and he
was now trying to calm me down. He began to tease me but
because I had had 2 or 3 martinis and was already emotional,
I took it to heart and reacted with a woman's instinct.

Now we were arguing. By the time we got back to his apartment
I decided that I was going to show him by packing up my crap
and leaving, but not before giving him a piece of my mind.
FOR WHAT? I ask myself in retrospect. The real enemy was the
restaurant we just left. But no, I throw my little tantrum
and leave.

The next morning I had remorse and instead of calling like I
should have, I sent an email. Yes an email apologizing for my
behavior but also telling him that he wasn't an innocent in the
situation either. He didn't respond, didn't call, and when I
tried to talk to him about it at work he was very distant.

He said that he based the success of his relationships on the
woman's ability to handle conflict. And if we're fighting like
this, this soon, it could only get worse. He said he can't be
stressed as he's trying to pursue his career and he won't
allow anything in his life that doesn't make him happy.

I am DEVASTATED!! If I wasn't a mature, sane woman, I would
think that we BOTH fell in love in 2 weeks.

I blame the alcohol number 1 for clouding my judgment. I
know I would have handled that much differently if I had not
had those martinis. But is he really that through with me?

If you have any advice for this very, very, very,
touchy situation, please send it my way. Yes my heart
is aching but if you need to kick me in the butt with
some brutally honest advice to snap me out of it,
please do so. What is his deal???

Signed,
"Working With The Enemy"

- - - - Dating Dish Tip: The Danger of Infatuation - - - -

My Response:

Hi "Working" Girl,

It sounds like, as you identified yourself in your email
to me, you two were experiencing one of the most heightened
cases of infatuation of all time! And while I don't blame
you for wanting to eat-sleep-and-breathe the person with
whom you've just made this phenomenal connection, I need to
warn you that it CAN be dangerous.

As I discuss in Chapter 12 "Getting Serious" (pg. 100),
in the beginning, you're both actually spending time with the
IDEA of each other, rather than the real person. It takes
time to get to know who someone really is (you even said it
yourself when you described how he said he would flip the table
over, and for a moment you wondered if he had the capacity to
get aggressive like that because you didn't know him that well
yet).

Now I know you've given me permission to "kick your butt" with
some brutal honesty, but I'm certainly not going to judge you
for something I have SO done myself in the past.

But I do believe that every negative situation in our lives
can teach us an important lesson, and I think the lesson here
is that the next time you feel such strong infatuation, it's
ok to enjoy those feelings of excitement but you must also try
to temper the way you act on it.

Healthy, REAL relationships can only truly develop with time
and care, and I guarantee that you'll get to know "the REAL
him" better by going on a couple of dates a week, talking on
the phone, and going through a bit more of the courtship phase
before getting serious.

When a guy practically asks you to move in after a week and
also drops the "m" bomb (marriage), as much as we women
long to hear stuff like that (it validates us, makes us feel
irresistible, etc), you need to stop and recognize that this
could be a RED FLAG that you're dealing with a very impulsive
guy.

Speaking of which, that's really where I see the problem here.

If I had to analyze what happened based on the details you
provided, it seems to me that this very romantic, impulsive
man (not bad qualities when used properly!) swept you up in
this whirlwind of infatuation, where he basically fell in love
with the PERFECT you.

Now you sound like an amazing woman to me, and I'm sure you're
pretty damn near perfect, but let's be honest - NO ONE is
perfect. We all have our character challenges, and we
certainly all have our "moments."

Seems that things went wrong when his PERFECT woman had a
less-than-perfect moment (and, by the way, I do not blame you
for freaking on that waiter - at best it sounds like it was
merited, and at worst, it was the martinis talking.
SO not your fault).

But it's like he just couldn't handle things getting REAL with
you two. It shattered his wonderful world of infatuation, and
he couldn't stand to stick around and actually try to work
things through with you.

And frankly, I'm curious to know about his past relationships.

I wonder if he's ever been able to seriously commit to someone.
If he's looking for a woman who will be PERFECT all of the
time, well, he's in for a lifetime of disappointment. This
woman does not exist, and I hate to break it to him, but he's
not perfect either!

Real relationships CAN produce that blissful, intoxicating
feeling you experience in the infatuation stage, but they
also require a bit of work! Every couple faces challenges that
need to be overcome through healthy communication.

And since this man "pulled a Houdini" and disappeared the
second you guys hit a rough patch, well, he's clearly not
strong enough for a REAL woman like you anyway!!!

Hang in there babe... the right guy is out there, and when he
finds you he's going to love every little thing about you -
both perfect AND not so perfect!

**********************************

If you're looking for drama-free advice FOR real women
FROM a real woman who's been there, "Dating Without Drama"
is for you!

In it, you'll learn all you need to know to successfully
navigate through every phase of dating (from flirting to first
dates and infatuation to attachment).

But don't take MY word for it... Here's what a reader had to
say recently:

"DATING WITHOUT DRAMA has SAVED me from making grave
mistakes, from potential heartache and acting like a drama
queen. By following your advice I feel confident and full of
respect." -Morgan, Seattle, WA

To download your very own copy of "Dating Without Drama" just
follow the link below:

http://www.datingwithoutdrama.com/datingdish/archive/download/

I'll write you again soon.

Your friend,

PS - Don't keep it to yourself! Forward this to all your
friends who deserve to Date Without Drama!

----------------------------------------------------------------
© 2007 Dating Without Drama Inc. All rights reserved.
"Dating Without Drama" and "DWD" are trademarks used by Dating
Without Drama Inc. The contents of this web site, email and the
book "Dating Without Drama" are for entertainment purposes only.
You are responsible for your personal decisions and none of
the information provided on this web site, email or in the book
should be considered legal or professional advice.

Stories and questions in "Dating Dish" are not fabricated by
Dating Without Drama, Inc. They are submitted by real people
just like you. Names may be changed or deleted to protect the
contributors. Comments, questions, and quotes may be edited
for length and/or clarity.

You must be 18 years or older to enter this site. Click here to
read our Privacy Policy and Terms and Conditions.
----------------------------------------------------------------