When Infatuation Dies Down...Is it Love?

Hey Girlfriend,

Throughout our lives, we're told a lot of lies about love.
For example:

"True love means never having to say you're sorry."

"Love is blind."

And my personal pet peeve (I devote a whole chapter to debunking
THIS myth in "Dating Without Drama")...

"You complete me."

(As if another human being can actually make an unfulfilled person
become whole! Ridiculous!)

Whether they come in the form of song lyrics, romantic movie lines,
or cliche quotes about true love passed down from generation to
generation, these myths distort our thinking and cause us to develop
unrealistic expectations of love.

And UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS is one of the biggest causes of
DATING DRAMA.

Why?

Because it sets you up for MAJOR DISAPPOINTMENT, which prevents you
from developing - and enjoying - a real, healthy relationship.

I'm really excited about today's DISH because I'm going to
reveal one of the BIGGEST love lies perpetuated by society today...

...and show you how NOT buying into that myth will make it easier
to meet that special someone, improve your satisfaction with your
current boyfriend, or even RESCUE YOUR RELATIONSHIP!

Ready to find out what it is?

Ok then...let's dig into the DISH!

********************************************************************

DRAMA OF THE WEEK: "I'm Not FEELING 'In Love' with my Boyfriend"

********************************************************************

"Dear Paige,

I've been dating my boyfriend for 11 months now. It's been great but
right now I'm feeling really distant from him. I love him, it's just
that for some reason I've been feeling like I don't lately.

I WANT to love him, but I don't know how to regain that love back.
Should I break up with him or what? I don't want to, I really don't
want to, but if that's the way it has to be...

But if it's not the case, how soon will it be till I get that
loving feeling back?

Thanks for reading this. A reply would be great.

Many thanks,
Lori"

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PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP: "Love is a CHOICE, Not Always an Emotion."

********************************************************************

"Dear Lori,

Thank you for reaching out and being so honest about your situation.
There are a lot of women out there who can relate and whose love
lives will benefit from reading this, so I'm sure they thank you
too!

Now, you don't provide too many details about your relationship
other than the fact that "it's been great," so I can only assume
you're not experiencing any major problems. If you and your
boyfriend were fighting or any kind of mistreatment was going on,
I'm guessing you would have mentioned it in your email.

Which leads me to believe that you are suffering from unfulfilled
expectations.

You see, Lori, it's not your fault...

...but you might be buying into one of the BIGGEST LOVE LIES
that the world tells us.

Here's the lie: "When you're in love, you feel that butterflies-in-
your-stomach, excited, happy, romantic, lovey-dovey feeling all the
time. If that feeling goes away, something is WRONG."

When you accept this lie, no relationship of yours will ever stand
a chance.

That's because a relationship between two human beings, each with
their own flaws, is bound to have problems to work through and
challenges to overcome.

Partners in a drama-free relationship don't place unrealistic
expectations on love. (I'm sure John Gray himself would agree!)

I recently heard a wise saying: "unrealistic expectations are
planned resentments."

In other words, when you expect something impossible from someone
you love (e.g. perfection), you're bound to end up resenting them
for letting you down.

So here's the TRUTH: Love is a CHOICE, not always an EMOTION.

I'm going to say it one more time because it's so darn important:

Love is a CHOICE, not always an EMOTION.

As I say in "Dating Without Drama" (Chapter 14, "How a Drama-Free
Relationship Works"
http://www.datingwithoutdrama.com/datingdish/archive/download/ ) :

"In a relationship that lasts, each partner wakes up every day and
actively CHOOSES to love their mate whether they feel the 'warm
fuzzies' or not on that particular day.

Yes, of course there should be romance and passion and excitement,
but not every moment is going to feel like a honeymoon in paradise.
That's not the way life goes.

When you adjust your expectations accordingly, you'll find that your
satisfaction with your relationship will increase.

Sure, you will get annoyed with one another. You WILL fight. You
WILL struggle sometimes to figure out where the relationship is
headed. But you'll realize that it's normal to do so and that
knowledge will give you the strength you need to work through it
rather than throw a hissy-fit (drama!) - or worse - throw in the
towel."

I can speak from personal experience on this.

My husband is my favorite person in the world, and my relationship
with him is better than any I've experienced in my life, and
despite this fact, I still don't always feel that "loving feeling"
(as you described it) every day.

When we first started dating, we were together non-stop. We couldn't
get enough of each other. My heart skipped a beat every time he
walked in the room. Every joke he told was hilarious, every thought
he uttered was brilliant. In my eyes, he could do no wrong.

Now here we are several years later and life has gotten a little
more, well, REAL.

Sometimes he just gets on my nerves (and I KNOW I get on his!).
Sometimes we get in a silly disagreement and it takes a day to
shake off that icky feeling (I call it a "fight hangover").
Sometimes I just need a break - a little alone time to read a book
or meet my girlfriends for coffee, and that's ok.

That doesn't mean that I don't love him with every ounce of my
being.

(The next time you find yourself asking, "Is it love," remember this:
It *IS* possible to LOVE someone even when, at the moment, you
don't LIKE them very much!)

When this happens, I know that those feelings of irritability or
boredom will pass. And all it takes is connecting through a great
conversation, a romantic date-night, or some other reminder of just
how amazing our bond really is for that so "in love" feeling to
come flooding back in.

One other important point that I want to bring up is that this
"floating-on-Cloud-9" feeling that many of us associate with love
is actually a result of a chemical released in our brains during
the first few months (or years, depending on the scientific study
you refer to) with a new partner.

This is called the "infatuation" phase. I explain it all in Chapter
11 of "Dating Without Drama" (It's really fascinating - check out
"Getting Serious," page 116
http://www.datingwithoutdrama.com/datingdish/archive/download/ ).

When you get into an established, long-term relationship with
someone, a different chemical actually kicks in. One that makes you
feel calmer, more secure and connected. This is a GOOD thing - it
means that you can actually come down from your whirlwind of
can't-sleep-can't-eat-all-I-can-think-about-is-HIM and begin to
build a solid relationship based on who you really are as
individuals and rooted in reality.

The downside is that those initial butterflies and excitement will
subside quite a bit once you've hit this phase.

It's completely normal and, frankly, unavoidable.

The good news is that you can get a lot of that exciting feeling
back. It just takes a little effort (on your part AND his!) Here are
some romance tips:

Plan special dates. Take a little getaway (even a spur-of-the-moment
weekend trip will do the trick). Do something spontaneous, like
leaving a note in his briefcase that says "Come straight home
tonight - I have a surprise for you" and greet him with a home
cooked candlelight meal. If you're involved in an office romance,
send him a flirty email during the day (just be sure to use your personal,
not work, emial account!). All of these things will help to bring the
butterflies back ... and keep them lasting long after your special
moment is over.

Lori, you ask me if I think you should break up with your boyfriend.

Unfortunately, I can't answer that for you.

You need to ask yourself 2 questions:

1. "Is this man truly right for me?"
(For help, refer to the evaluation checklists in "Dating Without
Drama" in Chapter 7 - "Is He Boyfriend Material?" and Chapter 17
"Is he 'The One?'")

- OR -

2. "Am I placing unrealistic expectations on love?"

If the answer is "No" to #1, then you probably should break it off
so you are free to find someone you're more compatible with.

BUT, if you answer "Yes" to #2, I have a hunch that as soon as you
stop focusing on why you're not feeling "in love" with your
boyfriend and start putting some effort towards reconnecting with
him, your problem will solve itself.

I hope this helps, Lori. Please write me back with an update and
let us know how it all works out!"


* * * * * * * * * * * *

{!firstname_fix}, if you're tired of the love LIES and are ready to
learn the REAL TRUTH about relationships -- truth that will help
you attain the fulfilling, satisfying, happy love life you've
always wanted -- then you've come to the right place!

In my eBook "Dating Without Drama," I tell it like it REALLY is...

...AND provide concrete strategies to help you find the man of
your dreams - or make it work with the one you already have!

But you don't have to take MY word for it. Here's what a reader had
to say recently:

"Dear Paige,

THANK YOU for being the Ultimate Neutral Friend in always giving
the BEST advice ever. I purchased your book a little over 6 months
ago, and I'm a living example that this should be sold as a
DATING BIBLE.

I started dating this truly nice person not long after I started
listening to your advice. We were both ready and absolutely aware
of what we wanted. We were lucky to find each other, our love is
still growing.

You have been the biggest backbone for my blond brain to enjoy
dating without feeling awkward or stressed, and to feel confident
about what I should and should not do.

I took your advice in being my honest self and you helped me to
understand how men think. (You still do). The toughest challenge is
separating emotions and intellect! But it sure saves a lot of
headaches!

Even though it has been 6 months I still feel the tickle in my
belly when I think of him or when he is around. I don't want these
moments to stop, no matter what future brings us. I want both of us
to enjoy time we spend romantically together (or as a big happy
family with all 4 kids we have between us!)

Thank you for your support! That's why I keep you around!
Cheers,
Zora
Malmo, Sweden"

To get your very own copy of "Dating Without Drama" instantly
(and start applying it to your life TODAY), go here:

http://www.datingwithoutdrama.com/datingdish/archive/download/

Thanks for DISHING! I'll talk to you soon.

Your friend,

PS - Help your friends learn the truth about love! Forward them
this email.

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