What to Do When He Acts Like a Jerk

Hey Girlfriend,

How many times have you heard a woman say this:

"ALL men are jerks."

Call it an occupational hazard of being a professional
dating coach, but almost every day, some woman
feels compelled to make that statement to me.

Well, I'm writing to tell you that (good news!) nothing
could be further from the truth.

Now I realize that women with this opinion have probably
had some bad experiences with guys they've had the
misfortune to date.

(And let's face it - most of us have.)

But the reality is, there are so many fabulous guys
in the world - kind, friendly, respectful men who are
looking for the right woman to fall in love and spend
their life with.

Over-generalizations like "ALL men are jerks" are simply
unfair. (Just think how annoyed WE get when people say
"ALL blondes are dumb" or "ALL women are psycho!")

I just wanted to state that up front before we get into
the DISH...

That's because the theme of these DRAMAS OF THE WEEK
just happens to be MEN BEHAVING BADLY!

But please don't let these stories of bad boys'
behavior get you down!

Instead, I encourage you to be open minded and
optimistic about men and dating.

Truthfully, everybody's capable of being a little
jerky from time to time.

And if your guy's being MORE than a little jerky, well,
just remember that you have the power to decide that
he's just not worthy... and then get out there and
meet one of those fabulous guys I mentioned
above!

For an action plan on how to handle it when "Mr. Perfect"
turns into "Mr. Perfectly Jerky," read on...

* * * DRAMA OF THE WEEK #1:
"What Happened to my 'Wonderful'Boyfriend?!?" * * *

"Dear Paige,

I have been dating this guy for about two months now
and at first he was so wonderful, thoughtful and sweet
and I thought 'man, where has this guy been all my life?!'

Well it seems like as soon as he knew I was falling
for him the 'real him' must have come out or something
because the sweet, thoughtful guy seems to be gone.

He hates his job and his life right now and it seems
every chance he gets he takes it out on me. Which
in turn has made me feel like I'm doing something wrong,
which in turn makes me ask a lot questions like,
'Do you really want to be with me or what?' which in
turn seems to drive him crazy.

Lately he wants to spend less time with me and apparently
even less time talking to me. Just when I think things
are going better he turns back into this jerky guy
saying mean things.

I deal with self-esteem issues and I don't want to be
that girl anymore. I told him tonight on the phone I
think we should stop seeing each other if he's going
to continue to treat me this way and he said he didn't
care, he was tired and all he wanted to do was go to bed.

What can I do to make him see I don't deserve this
treatment or is it too late to make him see he's screwing
up a good thing?

Sincerely,
Jaime"

* * * PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP #1: "The Best Way to Prove
You Deserve Respect is to Respect Yourself" * * *

My Response:

"Hi Jaime,

Okay... I've got a little tough love to dish up to you
here, but first a little dose of sugar:

I'm really proud that you had the insight to recognize
that your boyfriend's unkind and unpredictable
behavior is affecting your self-esteem. I also commend
you for having the strength to bring up the possibility
of breaking up.

However, I have to ask you a tough question...

When you said 'I think we should stop seeing each other
if you're going to continue to treat me this way,'
were you actually prepared to follow through with your
threat?

Or did you make that proclamation hoping that he would
snap out of his nasty ways and say, "oh my goodness, Jamie,
I've been such an idiot! I'm so sorry. I don't want to lose
you. I'll change. Immediately!"?

Because the icky truth is, he DIDN'T respond that way -
instead he told you 'I don't care.'

It probably took a lot of courage for you to ask him for
what you need and deserve. And for him to dismiss your
feelings so coldly as to say 'I don't care' ... well,
that's exactly the kind of treatment that you just told
him you wouldn't stand for.

So I strongly recommend that you follow through and
get out of this relationship IMMEDIATELY if not sooner!

You asked me, 'What can I do to make him see I don't
deserve this treatment?'

Frankly, Jamie, the one person who needs to be convinced
that you don't deserve this treatment is YOU!

The best way to prove that you deserve respect is to
respect YOURSELF and not to stand for abuse of any kind.

You asked me 'is it too late to make him see he's screwing
up a good thing?'

My answer: YES, because he's already screwed it up,
and he couldn't make himself any clearer as to how he
feels about it than to say 'I don't care.'

Cut your losses now and save your precious heart for
someone who will care so much he would never dream
of hurting you.

Good luck, Jamie. I'll be thinking of you!"



* * * DRAMA OF THE WEEK #2:
"We Fought and He Left...Is it Really Over?" * * *

"Dear Paige,

I just happened across your website in search for answers
about my current relationship. I don't know if it is really
over.

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years.
To make a long story short, he made me so upset two weeks
ago that I cried for an hour.

He left me and we haven't had any form of communication
since then.

Well Saturday was his 40th birthday and I didn't budge
to give him a call. I miss him like no other and
have also been dreaming about him since my upset.

Please Please Please give me some woman to woman advice
or at least tell me if he is feeling as bad as me.
I appreciate any response you can offer.

Thanks Kindly,

Jalisa"

* * * PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP #2:
"Only You Can Decide if He's Worth Fighting For" * * *

"Hi Jalisa,

I am so sorry to hear you in so much pain!

Relationships can be really complicated and confusing,
but I hope you can take comfort in knowing that the
sadness you feel now won't last forever.

I don't know all the details of what happened so I can't
say for certain, but I'd be willing to bet after being
together for two years, he is feeling as badly about this
as you are (maybe even more so!).

Most men hate to see a woman cry, and he may be beating
himself up for causing you so much hurt. He may be
embarrassed and not sure how he can face you or if
you even want to see him again.

I don't know what it is that he did to make you so upset
two weeks ago, but before you do anything, take some time
to answer this question honestly:

'Can/should I forgive him and move past this?'

If he was physically or emotionally abusive, trust me,
the answer is 'NO' and you are far better off without him.
But if it was another kind of issue, are you willing to try
to work it out?

If so, then reach out to him. Make that phone call. See if
he is willing to get together to talk things out. Only until
you have another, more calm conversation will you truly know
where your relationship stands.

I have some helpful guidelines for effective communication
in my eBook Dating Without Drama (Chapter 10: Fighting - A
Necessary Evil That's Not So Evil After All), specifically
the section on 'The Tool Kit For Effective Communication'.

It's far too elaborate to include in this email, but it's all
there in the book. Check it out - I really believe you'll
find it useful for your situation:
http://www.datingwithoutdrama.com/datingdish/archive/download/

Jalisa, I wish you the best and hope that, whether you
decide to get back together with your boyfriend or move on
with your life, you get the outcome that brings you the most
happiness. You deserve it."

* * * DRAMA OF THE WEEK #3:
"He's Wanted Me For Years... Now That We Can Finally
Be Together, Why is He Seeing Other Women?" * * *

Hi Paige,

I enjoy reading your emails. Knowledgeable and enlightening
- Thank you!

I have a Dating Dilemma!

I've been friends with a married man for 18 months, we
have both dealing with a strong mutual attraction. And being
a woman of integrity, I never allowed anything to happen, and
just continued with my life, dating and career.

His unhappy marriage has been over for 8 months. I stayed
away for 4 of these months and we struck up the friendship
again.

I know he is attracted to me even more, that he likes me wants
to spend time with me etc... I can read his body language and
sense the attraction in him, (as well as me).

It's just that I want to be sure he has dealt with his issues
because I want him for keeps!

Then I learn he has got a 'lady friend' as he calls her. I've
read about 'revenge dating' - having a woman and using her
for sex to get back at his wife for ending the marriage, and
'transitional relationships' where a relationship allows the
wounded party to work through their baggage, wake up one
morning and realize they're not in love but healed and ready
to move on.

I have three choices.

1) Go with the flow, have a relationship and trust in the fact
that we have already a good grounding to work on.

2) Enjoy the physical side of a short lived relationship and
take the consequences when he wakes up and moves on.

3) Walk away and move on with possibly some regret of what
might have been.

What should I do?

-Samantha"

* * * PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP #3: "You're Not Just One of His
Flings, So Don't Settle For Less Than the Real Thing" * * *

"Hi Samantha,

Thanks for writing!

Wow, this IS a dilemma! Ok, let's dig in and see what we
can figure out here...

First of all, you should feel really good about the honorable
way you conducted yourself in such a delicate situation.
I know it must have taken an incredible amount of restraint
not to act on those strong feelings, and it shows that you
have a lot of self-respect. You certainly ARE a woman of
integrity, and I'm proud of you!

Now from the details you provided me, it seems like he
has strong feelings for you, but is just acting out after
his divorce.

From what I can tell, he may see you as not just someone
he's physically attracted to but actually 'the whole package.'
The way in which you acted while he was still married
commanded his respect; you let him know by your actions that
you are not someone to just have a fling with.

And now that he's officially single again, one of three
things might be going on:

1) Because you 'stayed away for 4 months,' he may have
mistakenly gotten the signal that you're actually not
interested in him beyond friendship.

or possibly...

2) He might have some sort of hang-up where he wants
what he can't have, and was attracted to you while he
was married and you were 'off limits,' and now that
he has a real chance with you he can't handle it.

But more likely...

3) He is afraid of what it would mean to get together
with you. You said it yourself - you want him for keeps,
and he may very well feel the same way about you. So either
he's being deliberate by getting all of this meaningless
physical stuff out of the way with other women before he
gets serious with you (and I'm not excusing this behavior,
mind you, but it's something guys do), or he is just terrified
of getting involved with you because you represent such pure
potential for something wonderful and he's scared he'll
screw it up.

I actually talk about this concept in my eBook, 'Dating
Without Drama.' Believe it or not, it's a physiological
(chemical) response to the idea of commitment...

When a man feels himself getting in deep with a woman (even
if he's sure he's crazy about her), he sometimes will get
overcome by fear and pull back for a while.

Now mind you, this is his fear of the CONCEPT of commitment,
not fear of a commitment with YOU. Given his history (failed
marriage), he's probably using that experience as a frame
of reference (i.e. 'marriage might mean I'll be hurt or
rejected'), so now that he actually has a shot with you,
he might be worried that he'll screw it up.

The truth is, it's probably going to take him a while to
sort through his confusion and fear about what's next for
his life.

Have you two ever talked about this stuff? Does he know you're
interested? If he does and is still choosing to have 'lady
friends,' you definitely should not settle to just be one of
them.

Just because he's got baggage to work through does not mean
YOU should feel responsible to take it on.

You listed the three choices you thought you had, but I'm
going to suggest a fourth. If it's possible for you, I think
that you should be open to dating other men while he works
out his issues, and when he's ready and willing to pursue
a HEALTHY, COMMITTED relationship, see where you both
stand at that point.

Good luck and please let me know how it goes!"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

To sum up...

When it comes to jerky behavior, it's not always
black and white. There's a whole spectrum to consider.

MINOR: He's stressed and makes a snarky comment
that hurts your feelings. (Worthy of forgiveness)

MAY BE TROUBLE: His unpredictable mood swings
have you feeling on edge in the relationship.
(Need to evaluate the relationship. If he's not
open to talking through it/working it out... move on!)

MAJOR: Emotional and/or physical abuse, compromising
your safety, your spirit, or your self-esteem.
(Get out immediately!)

So -

Whether the guy you're seeing is starting to show that
he's got a major jerk streak ...

Your normally wonderful boyfriend has pulled an
uncharacteristically jerky move...

Or you're single and have found yourself saying, "I'm
done with jerks... Where can I meet a NICE guy?"

Help just a click away!

In "Dating Without Drama, I'll share 8 Creative ways to meet
GOOD GUYS (Chapter 3).

I'll teach you How to FIGHT FAIR and communicate effectively
(Chapter 10).

You'll learn 12 ways to tell if he'll make a GREAT BOYFRIEND
(Chapter 7) ... And so much more!

If you haven't downloaded your copy yet, just follow this
link:

http://www.datingwithoutdrama.com/datingdish/archive/download/

Thanks for DISHING! Have a drama-free day!

Your friend,

PS - Got a friend who's a jerk-magnet? Forward her this page -
she'll owe ya big time!

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