Dating Advice

I'm inviting you to take a little peek inside my in-box...

That's because this article features not just one "Drama of the Week" but THREE - count 'em - THREE of some of the most popular questions I get asked by readers!

If you're ready to learn:

How to handle the sticky situation when your man is friendly with his Ex...
When you should call a guy (and how to respond when HE doesn't call YOU in a timely fashion!)...
And what to do when your boyfriend wants to "take a break"...

Then read on for this very juicy DISH!

DRAMA OF THE WEEK #1:
"My Boyfriend Still Talks To His Ex!"

"Dear Paige,

I am not sure about my boyfriend. He keeps talking to his ex-girlfriend and I think that they are getting closer every day.

What can I do about this?

I don't want him to cheat on me but it seems like this girl will do anything to get him back. Please give me some advice.

Love,
Jacqui"

PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP #1:
"When You Make Your EXPECTATIONS Clear, He'll Make His CHOICE Clear"

My Response:

"Hey Jacqui,

Ok, I'm not gonna sugar-coat this. The whole ex-girlfriend thing can be tricky.

I personally don't think it's appropriate for your boyfriend to be talking to an ex, but then again, I don't really know the whole story.

The truth is, we never have control over anyone else's actions but our own, so the best that you can do is decide for yourself what boundaries you are comfortable with and let your boyfriend know what they are.

For instance, you may decide that you don't want him to be talking to her on the phone, emailing/instant messaging, etc, but that you're okay with the idea of the two of you going out in a group if she's there (if she's part of your circle of friends, that is).

But you should let him know that in order to be in a healthy relationship with you, these are your expectations.

Now here comes the tough part... Whether or not your boyfriend will agree to the boundaries you've set is up to him. He may even get angry and say, 'you can't tell me what to do - I can talk to whoever I want.'

Remind him that you DO trust him and that you're not trying to control him, but that your relationship doesn't have enough room for a third party, and him talking to his ex is only inviting trouble.

If he still doesn't see the light, I suggest that you end it and find a guy who will give you 100% of his attention!

Good luck!
Paige"

DRAMA OF THE WEEK #2:
"Help Me Play By The REAL Calling Rules!"

"Hey Paige!

A couple of quick questions for you...

1.) I know that I shouldn't call a guy when we first start seeing each other, but how will I know when the time comes when it's OK for me to call him? What if he says something like "give me a call on Monday" should I do it or wait for him to call??

2.) What if 7 days passes and he never calls and I dismiss him, and then he does call... how do I let him know that it's too late without being a b!#@h??

Thanks,
Hannah"

PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP #2:
"When it Comes to Phone Calls, YOU Call the Shots"

My Response:

"Hi Hannah,

Ah, to call or not to call... that is the question!

Here are my thoughts:

1. Each relationship is different and has its own unique timing. The 'don't call him' rule I discuss in my book is really in place when you're just beginning to date a new guy to ensure that you're not the one taking on the role of the pursuer by making all the effort. (A major turn-off for the guy, as I explain in Chapter 6 of my eBook 'Dating Without Drama!')

But I certainly think it's fine for you to call him when he specifically asks you to call on a certain day. (MUCH different than if he'd said after a first date, 'That was fun. Call me sometime,' which could be guy code for, 'I'm not interested, but I'm too chicken to come right out and say it.')

Once you've been dating for a few weeks, with him calling you to ask you out (and you simply returning phone calls but not initiating them), it should be perfectly acceptable for you to call him.

Personally, when I was on the dating scene, that point would usually come for me when the guy and I got into a dating rhythm... when it was pretty much assumed that we had a standing date every Saturday night.

(FYI: Saturday nights are PRIME dating real estate, and if he reserves his for you, that's a clear sign that he's really into you! Which means that he'd be thrilled to hear from you if you called.)

2. In 'Dating Without Drama,' I recommend giving a guy a 5 - 7 day window after a date to call you. If he doesn't call you after a week has passed, I say ditch the dude. You are a hot commodity and he should be anxious to get another date with you on his calendar. If he's slacking off already, in my opinion, this is not someone worth pursuing a relationship with.

HOWEVER, you're asking me what you should do if the 7 day window passes and THEN he calls... a bit of a borderline situation.

My answer: it kind of depends if you want to try to work things out with this guy or not.

If you've TRULY dismissed him, as in, "I'm SO over him. Next!", then I don't think you even need to let him know it's too late. If he didn't give you a good explanation why it took him 7 whole days to get off his lazy butt and call you, then he doesn't deserve for you to waste your breath on an explanation as to why that's not acceptable to you. He screwed up and he should know it. I would just say, 'Oh hi. Thanks for calling but I don't really have time to chat. Life is really busy for me right now. Take care!'

That doesn't leave a window open for him to think that you'll be talking again, and should send the message that he blew it without having to get into details.

BUT... if you think this guy COULD have potential if he'd only learn some manners, then I'd try this last-ditch effort: When he calls and asks you out on a date, be straightforward. Not emotional or accusatory, but honest.

Try saying something like, 'Wow, [insert slacker guy's name here] , I've gotta be honest. When you didn't call for a week I kind of assumed we weren't going to be hanging out again, and I've booked my calendar up with other stuff. So no, I can't make it to dinner on Friday, but if you want to try this again, give me a call next week."

This sends the clear message that you haven't been waiting around for his call, your life is busy and full, and if he REALLY wants to see you again, he's gonna have to get his act together and WORK FOR IT!

Remember, you deserve someone who's going to put forth some real effort!

Since 'The Calling Game' is so confounding, I devote an entire chapter to it (yes - I cover email too!) in my eBook "Dating Without Drama" (Chapter 6 'Post-Date Drama: Waiting for the Phone to Ring').

Check it out and me know how everything works out for you, Hannah!"

DRAMA OF THE WEEK #3:
"My Boyfriend Wants to Take a 'Break!'"

"Hi Paige,

Just wondering if you can help me with something...

I starting seeing someone a couple of months ago and it all started off really well.

Just recently he has become sick and tired but is still going to work and now wants a 'few weeks break' so he can get better. He said not to read into it the wrong way and that he will still stay in contact but he only seems to ring once a week and he is generally not very happy.

Is he stringing me along and too chicken to break up with me or do you think I should wait patiently?

Thanks,
Lacey"

PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP #3:
"Take a Break Withthout Breaking Down, Then Decide if You
Want to Break UP"

"Hi Lacey,

As difficult as it may be, I recommend giving him the time that he asks for as cheerfully as possible. That way, if he actually DOES need the break to assess how he's feeling about your relationship, he won't sense added pressure from you.

Now I'm not saying that YOUR feelings don't count in the matter - they do (and of course I'M rooting for YOU in this situation) - but the truth is that putting pressure on him or trying to force him to talk things through when he's not ready is only going to work against you, whether he needs this break for the reasons he says he does or otherwise.

The important thing is for you to take the next few weeks and use them to YOUR advantage as well (really thinking about what you want and need out of this relationship, spending fun time with your girlfriends & family, etc) then it won't be wasted time.

Of course I wouldn't let this go on FOREVER...

If he's still being strange and elusive in a couple of weeks, you absolutely have the right to confront him and ask him for honesty. He owes you that.

And at that point, you probably won't WANT a boyfriend who rarely hear from or see (and when you do is 'generally not very happy'), so YOU might be the one who wants a break... Permanently.

I hope this helps.

Hang in there, Lacey!"

Your friend,