What to Do When He Acts Like a Jerk

Hey Girlfriend,

How many times have you heard a woman say this:

"ALL men are jerks."

Call it an occupational hazard of being a professional dating coach, but almost every day, some woman feels compelled to make that statement to me.

Well, I'm writing to tell you that (good news!) nothing could be further from the truth.

Now I realize that women with this opinion have probably had some bad experiences with guys they've had the misfortune to date.

(And let's face it - most of us have.)

But the reality is, there are so many fabulous guys in the world - kind, friendly, respectful men who are looking for the right woman to fall in love and spend their life with.

Over-generalizations like "ALL men are jerks" are simply unfair. (Just think how annoyed WE get when people say "ALL blondes are dumb" or "ALL women are psycho!")

I just wanted to state that up front before we get into the DISH...

That's because the theme of these DRAMAS OF THE WEEK just happens to be MEN BEHAVING BADLY!

But please don't let these stories of bad boys' behavior get you down!

Instead, I encourage you to be open minded and optimistic about men and dating.

Truthfully, everybody's capable of being a little jerky from time to time.

And if your guy's being MORE than a little jerky, well, just remember that you have the power to decide that he's just not worthy... and then get out there and meet one of those fabulous guys I mentioned above!

For an action plan on how to handle it when "Mr. Perfect" turns into "Mr. Perfectly Jerky," read on...

DRAMA OF THE WEEK #1:
"What Happened to my 'Wonderful' Boyfriend?!?"

"Dear Paige,

I have been dating this guy for about two months now and at first he was so wonderful, thoughtful and sweet and I thought 'man, where has this guy been all my life?!'

Well it seems like as soon as he knew I was falling for him the 'real him' must have come out or something because the sweet, thoughtful guy seems to be gone.

He hates his job and his life right now and it seems every chance he gets he takes it out on me. Which in turn has made me feel like I'm doing something wrong, which in turn makes me ask a lot questions like, 'Do you really want to be with me or what?' which in turn seems to drive him crazy.

Lately he wants to spend less time with me and apparently even less time talking to me. Just when I think things are going better he turns back into this jerky guy saying mean things.

I deal with self-esteem issues and I don't want to be that girl anymore. I told him tonight on the phone I think we should stop seeing each other if he's going to continue to treat me this way and he said he didn't care, he was tired and all he wanted to do was go to bed.

What can I do to make him see I don't deserve this treatment or is it too late to make him see he's screwing up a good thing?

Sincerely,
Jaime"

PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP #1:
"The Best Way to Prove You Deserve Respect is to Respect Yourself"

My Response:

"Hi Jaime,

Okay... I've got a little tough love to dish up to you here, but first a little dose of sugar:

I'm really proud that you had the insight to recognize that your boyfriend's unkind and unpredictable behavior is affecting your self-esteem. I also commend you for having the strength to bring up the possibility of breaking up.

However, I have to ask you a tough question...

When you said 'I think we should stop seeing each other if you're going to continue to treat me this way,' were you actually prepared to follow through with your threat?

Or did you make that proclamation hoping that he would snap out of his nasty ways and say, "oh my goodness, Jamie, I've been such an idiot! I'm so sorry. I don't want to lose you. I'll change. Immediately!"?

Because the icky truth is, he DIDN'T respond that way - instead he told you 'I don't care.'

It probably took a lot of courage for you to ask him for what you need and deserve. And for him to dismiss your feelings so coldly as to say 'I don't care' ... well, that's exactly the kind of treatment that you just told him you wouldn't stand for.

So I strongly recommend that you follow through and get out of this relationship IMMEDIATELY if not sooner!

You asked me, 'What can I do to make him see I don't deserve this treatment?'

Frankly, Jamie, the one person who needs to be convinced that you don't deserve this treatment is YOU!

The best way to prove that you deserve respect is to respect YOURSELF and not to stand for abuse of any kind.

You asked me 'is it too late to make him see he's screwing up a good thing?'

My answer: YES, because he's already screwed it up, and he couldn't make himself any clearer as to how he feels about it than to say 'I don't care.'

Cut your losses now and save your precious heart for someone who will care so much he would never dream of hurting you.

Good luck, Jamie. I'll be thinking of you!"

DRAMA OF THE WEEK #2:
"We Fought and He Left...Is it Really Over?"

"Dear Paige,

I just happened across your website in search for answers about my current relationship. I don't know if it is really over.

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. To make a long story short, he made me so upset two weeks ago that I cried for an hour.

He left me and we haven't had any form of communication since then.

Well Saturday was his 40th birthday and I didn't budge to give him a call. I miss him like no other and have also been dreaming about him since my upset.

Please Please Please give me some woman to woman advice or at least tell me if he is feeling as bad as me. I appreciate any response you can offer.

Thanks Kindly,
Jalisa"

PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP #2:
"Only You Can Decide if He's Worth Fighting For"

"Hi Jalisa,

I am so sorry to hear you in so much pain!

Relationships can be really complicated and confusing, but I hope you can take comfort in knowing that the sadness you feel now won't last forever.

I don't know all the details of what happened so I can't say for certain, but I'd be willing to bet after being together for two years, he is feeling as badly about this as you are (maybe even more so!).

Most men hate to see a woman cry, and he may be beating himself up for causing you so much hurt. He may be embarrassed and not sure how he can face you or if you even want to see him again.

I don't know what it is that he did to make you so upset two weeks ago, but before you do anything, take some time to answer this question honestly:

'Can/should I forgive him and move past this?'

If he was physically or emotionally abusive, trust me, the answer is 'NO' and you are far better off without him. But if it was another kind of issue, are you willing to try to work it out?

If so, then reach out to him. Make that phone call. See if he is willing to get together to talk things out. Only until you have another, more calm conversation will you truly know where your relationship stands.

I have some helpful guidelines for effective communication in my eBook Dating Without Drama (Chapter 10: Fighting - A Necessary Evil That's Not So Evil After All), specifically the section on 'The Tool Kit For Effective Communication'.

It's far too elaborate to include in this email, but it's all there in the book. Check it out - I really believe you'll find it useful for your situation.

Jalisa, I wish you the best and hope that, whether you decide to get back together with your boyfriend or move on with your life, you get the outcome that brings you the most happiness. You deserve it."

DRAMA OF THE WEEK #3:
"He's Wanted Me For Years... Now That We Can Finally Be Together, Why is He Seeing Other Women?"

Hi Paige,

I enjoy reading your emails. Knowledgeable and enlightening - Thank you!

I have a Dating Dilemma!

I've been friends with a married man for 18 months, we have both dealing with a strong mutual attraction. And being a woman of integrity, I never allowed anything to happen, and just continued with my life, dating and career.

His unhappy marriage has been over for 8 months. I stayed away for 4 of these months and we struck up the friendship again.

I know he is attracted to me even more, that he likes me wants to spend time with me etc... I can read his body language and sense the attraction in him, (as well as me).

It's just that I want to be sure he has dealt with his issues because I want him for keeps!

Then I learn he has got a 'lady friend' as he calls her. I've read about 'revenge dating' - having a woman and using her for sex to get back at his wife for ending the marriage, and 'transitional relationships' where a relationship allows the wounded party to work through their baggage, wake up one morning and realize they're not in love but healed and ready to move on.

I have three choices.

1) Go with the flow, have a relationship and trust in the fact that we have already a good grounding to work on.

2) Enjoy the physical side of a short lived relationship and take the consequences when he wakes up and moves on.

3) Walk away and move on with possibly some regret of what might have been.

What should I do?

-Samantha"

PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP #3:
"You're Not Just One of His Flings, So Don't Settle For Less Than the Real Thing"

"Hi Samantha,

Thanks for writing!

Wow, this IS a dilemma! Ok, let's dig in and see what we can figure out here...

First of all, you should feel really good about the honorable way you conducted yourself in such a delicate situation. I know it must have taken an incredible amount of restraint not to act on those strong feelings, and it shows that you have a lot of self-respect. You certainly ARE a woman of integrity, and I'm proud of you!

Now from the details you provided me, it seems like he has strong feelings for you, but is just acting out after his divorce.

From what I can tell, he may see you as not just someone he's physically attracted to but actually 'the whole package.' The way in which you acted while he was still married commanded his respect; you let him know by your actions that you are not someone to just have a fling with.

And now that he's officially single again, one of three things might be going on:

1) Because you 'stayed away for 4 months,' he may have mistakenly gotten the signal that you're actually not interested in him beyond friendship.

or possibly...

2) He might have some sort of hang-up where he wants what he can't have, and was attracted to you while he was married and you were 'off limits,' and now that he has a real chance with you he can't handle it.

But more likely...

3) He is afraid of what it would mean to get together with you. You said it yourself - you want him for keeps, and he may very well feel the same way about you. So either he's being deliberate by getting all of this meaningless physical stuff out of the way with other women before he gets serious with you (and I'm not excusing this behavior, mind you, but it's something guys do), or he is just terrified of getting involved with you because you represent such pure potential for something wonderful and he's scared he'll screw it up.

I actually talk about this concept in my eBook, 'Dating Without Drama.' Believe it or not, it's a physiological (chemical) response to the idea of commitment...

When a man feels himself getting in deep with a woman (even if he's sure he's crazy about her), he sometimes will get overcome by fear and pull back for a while.

Now mind you, this is his fear of the CONCEPT of commitment, not fear of a commitment with YOU. Given his history (failed marriage), he's probably using that experience as a frame of reference (i.e. 'marriage might mean I'll be hurt or rejected'), so now that he actually has a shot with you, he might be worried that he'll screw it up.

The truth is, it's probably going to take him a while to sort through his confusion and fear about what's next for his life.

Have you two ever talked about this stuff? Does he know you're interested? If he does and is still choosing to have 'lady friends,' you definitely should not settle to just be one of them.

Just because he's got baggage to work through does not mean YOU should feel responsible to take it on.

You listed the three choices you thought you had, but I'm going to suggest a fourth. If it's possible for you, I think that you should be open to dating other men while he works out his issues, and when he's ready and willing to pursue a HEALTHY, COMMITTED relationship, see where you both stand at that point.

Good luck and please let me know how it goes!"

To sum up...

When it comes to jerky behavior, it's not always black and white. There's a whole spectrum to consider.

MINOR: He's stressed and makes a snarky comment that hurts your feelings. (Worthy of forgiveness)

MAY BE TROUBLE: His unpredictable mood swings have you feeling on edge in the relationship. (Need to evaluate the relationship. If he's not open to talking through it/working it out... move on!)

MAJOR: Emotional and/or physical abuse, compromising your safety, your spirit, or your self-esteem. (Get out immediately!)

So -

Whether the guy you're seeing is starting to show that he's got a major jerk streak ...

Your normally wonderful boyfriend has pulled an uncharacteristically jerky move...

Or you're single and have found yourself saying, "I'm done with jerks... Where can I meet a NICE guy?"

Help just a click away!

In "Dating Without Drama, I'll share 8 Creative ways to meet GOOD GUYS (Chapter 3).

I'll teach you How to FIGHT FAIR and communicate effectively (Chapter 10).

You'll learn 12 ways to tell if he'll make a GREAT BOYFRIEND (Chapter 7) ... And so much more!

If you haven't downloaded your copy yet, just follow this link:
http://www.datingwithoutdrama.com/datingdish/archive/download/

Thanks for DISHING! Have a drama-free day!

Your friend,

PS - Got a friend who's a jerk-magnet? Forward her this page - she'll owe ya big time!