5 Reasons Why Ultimatums DON'T Work

Hey Girlfriend,

Lately, I've been getting a lot of emails from readers asking me about ULTIMATUMS.

Specifically, whether I think it's a good idea to issue an ultimatum to your boyfriend when he won't do what you want him to do (make a commitment, ask you to marry him, break a bad habit, etc).

The short answer to that question is: NO.

And in this DISH I'm going to explain exactly WHY I'm not a fan of giving ultimatums.

Hint: It's NOT because I think you should let him get away with unacceptable behavior - it's because this approach is not going to get you your desired results.

And it's YOUR happiness I'm looking out for here!

Instead, I'm going to offer a healthier, more EFFECTIVE alternative that allows you to get your needs met without playing mind games, having to compromise your self-respect or your self-esteem!!

Sound good?

Great! Let's dig into the DISH...

DRAMA OF THE WEEK:
"Should I Give Him an Ultimatum?"

Here's an recent email from a reader:

"Dear Paige,

Thanks for your emails, they are great!

What if you are dating someone for an extended period of time in a committed relationship (over a year) and want to get engaged or at least have some idea of when you'd get married - and he says 'I don't know and I can't tell you when but I do want to marry you ...SOMEDAY'?

That works is both people are okay with it but not if the woman wants more information.

I know that a lot of women are in this situation - the ultimatum type situation.

Might help if you addressed that one sometime.

Thanks again,
Joley"

PAIGE'S DATING DISH TIP:
"There's a Better Way Than 'My Way or the Highway!'"

My Response:

Good topic, Joley! I think a lot of women out there are able to relate to your question.

In fact, beyond your example of wanting to get married, there are a number of reasons why a woman might consider giving an ultimatum. Here are just a few:

• She's been casually dating her boyfriend and wants a serious commitment
• She's unhappy with her man's behavior and/or habits and wants him to change
• She feels unappreciated and wants him to wake up, be more romantic, and stop taking her for granted

Before I tell you why I don't think ultimatums are a good idea, I do have to say that I very much appreciate the IDEA behind them.

In order to even CONSIDER giving one, you have to have enough insight to come to two very important conclusions:

1. The man in your life isn't meeting your needs.
2. You deserve to be treated better.

THIS I applaud, because it means that you're listening to yourself and acknowledging that your happiness is important. (I reinforce this over and over again throughout 'Dating Without Drama')

HOWEVER... I strongly believe that the APPROACH of issuing an ultimatum is a futile one that will lead to more heartache.

Here's why:

The American Heritage Dictionary defines ultimatum as follows:

ul·ti·ma·tum: "A statement that expresses or implies the threat of serious penalties if the terms are not accepted."

In layman's terms, that translates to:

"It's my way or the highway."

And while laying down the law in such a dramatic way might feel empowering while you're doing it, the truth is that in doing so, you are really giving yourself the FALSE ILLUSION of power.

In other words, you are trying to FORCE a decision out of someone when you are actually powerless over the outcome.

You can't ever change another person or make their mind up for them. The only decisions of that really "take" are the ones that a person makes for himself.

In fact, the more PRESSURE you put on him to do what you want, the more likely you are to DRIVE HIM AWAY. (Even Dr. Phil would agree with this!)

Here's an analogy to help you think about this:

You're shopping for a pricey item. (Let's say it's a fancy dress for a special occasion.)

Even though it's gonna cost you a major chunk of change, you know you need it and are committed to buying it (and looking forward to owning it).

You walk into your favorite department store and are delighted to see a stunning red dress that seems perfect.

But just as you pull the first dress from the rack to take a closer look, a nosy sales associate comes popping up out of nowhere.

"Hellooo there! Can I help you today?" she chirps.

"Um, maybe in a minute," you reply, trying to be polite. "I just need some time to look around."

"Well I'll just get a fitting room started for you then!" she says as she yanks the hanger out of your hand.

You try to grab it back, pleading, "But I'm not even sure if that's the right size for me --"

"Oh, it's definitely your size," she says sternly, "And it's the last one in stock too! You'd better not walk out of the store today without it or you'll lose it forever!"

At this point, one of two things usually ends up happening.

1. You get annoyed that the sales associate won't give you some space and time to make up your mind. Frustrated, you think, "Well, the dress isn't THAT great - I can find another one I like just as much somewhere else" and you leave the store immediately.

or

2. You feel pressured, nervous and anxious. You're not even sure that this is the right dress for you, but you don't want to upset the saleswoman, make her lose her commission, and worst of all, miss your chance to have the dress. Somewhat resentfully, you purchase the dress, if only to buy yourself some time to think.

In fact, the second you walk out of the store, you're already wondering whether you should return it.

I know you've been there (so have I)! Personally, I usually choose to run out of the store without the dress!

You can probably see where I'm going with this.

When a man feels like he's been PRESSURED to make a decision -- even if it's about a topic (like marriage) he'd previously been thinking about on his own -- he starts to feel like his back is up against the wall and this "choice" you're giving him isn't really his choice at all.

Even if he goes along with what you're asking, chances are slim that you'll be happy with the outcome.

Here are 5 reasons:

5 REASONS WHY ULTIMATUMS DON'T WORK

1. It might not be a decision your boyfriend would have come to on his own and he may end up resenting you for pushing him into it.

(Example: You say, "Marry me or I'll leave you." He isn't ready for marriage but he doesn't want to lose you, so he proposes. A few months down the road the uncertainty begins to bubble up inside of him and he starts feeling angry that he had to make his choice under duress. This resentment can cause major problems and even contribute to the eventual downfall of your relationship.)

2. You'll never be sure that he really wants what you want.

(Example: You tell him to quit talking to his ex-girlfriend or you'll break up with him. He promises to cut off all contact, but you're not sure you believe him. After all, if you hadn't FORCED him to make this decision, he may not have done so. You're filled with suspicion, checking his cell phone for outgoing calls and text messages. The trust you once felt has eroded.)

3. You shouldn't have to force someone to give you what you want, and you'll feel bad that you had to resort to threats to get your needs met.

(Example: Which sounds more romantic: Being surprised by your boyfriend when he drops to one knee, sparkly engagement ring in hand, and says, "I love you, and I can't imagine spending my life without you,"
- OR-
after a big argument, hearing him say, "You want to get engaged? Fine! If that will stop you from nagging me then, fine - whoopee!- we're engaged!"

'Nuff said.)

4. You can't change someone or have control over their actions.

It's a simple fact - one that will save you a lifetime of frustration and heartache if you can learn it now. Even if he accepts the terms of your ultimatum you have only TEMPORARILY MANIPULATED the situation, not PERMANENTLY CHANGED the way he thinks or acts. The problem you are experiencing now WILL come back to bite you in the butt later on. Guaranteed.

5. There's a good chance he'll call your bluff.

You might threaten to leave him if he doesn't comply with your ultimatum... but have you considered the fact that he might choose to let you walk rather than give you what you need? Before you open your mouth, ask yourself, "if he calls my bluff, am I ready to be alone? Or am I asking for a broken heart?"

 

* * * * * * THE ALTERNATIVE TO AN ULTIMATUM * * * * * *

SO... am I saying that if your boyfriend won't commit (won't work on his anger issues, won't stop gambling online, won't spend more time with you... or whatever it is that you want) you have to sit there and TAKE IT?

That you should ACCEPT HIS BEHAVIOR and just DEAL?

No way!

Your wants and needs are extremely important and should not be neglected!

So instead of issuing an ultimatum, I recommend you try the healthy alternative:

Calmly explain your needs and expectations.

Yup... that's it.

It may sound simple or even trivial, but stick with me here for a moment.

To show you why it works, I'm going to use an illustration from my own life.

Years ago, before I met my husband, I dated a very nice guy. He had a lot of the qualities I was looking for, but one habit that was a major problem for me.

He was a smoker.

Now this may seem like an inconsequential habit, but my father died from smoking and since then it has been a dating deal breaker for me.

I COULD have said, "Listen, I like you, but you have a choice: the cigarettes or me," but I knew that throwing down an ultimatum like this would have immediately put him on the defensive.

From what I hear, it's hard enough to kick the habit when you're committed to doing it for yourself. So I can't imagine it would have worked out if my crush went cold turkey while wrestling with feelings of resentment that I had forced him to do so against his will.

Instead, I explained my own personal needs, just as they related to ME.

I said, "I think you're great and I really enjoy spending time with you. I do need to let you know that since my dad passed, I made a promise to myself that I won't get seriously involved with a smoker. It's just too hard for me. So please understand that I am not asking you to change for me. I'm just letting you know that this is a decision I have made for myself and whatever you decide to do with that information is up to you."

Do you see the difference in the approach?

It allows you to stand up for your beliefs and let the other person know what expectations you have...

BUT it allows the other person the dignity of making THEIR OWN CHOICE based on the information you give them.

Hopefully, he'll be smart enough to realize how amazing you are and will gladly do anything it takes to rise up to meet your needs and expectations.

But even if he isn't able to, then you have peace of mind knowing that you never lowered yourself to the level of threatening or groveling. You simply made him aware of what you needed, and if he can't meet those needs then it's his problem and HIS loss!

Are you with me? All right!

So how would this work for the commitment situation?

Well (provided that you've got a fairly solid foundation from dating for some time) you could say something like this:

"I really love what we have and I enjoy every moment we spend together. I'm not sure what your thoughts or plans are for the future, but personally, I'm no longer interested in open-ended dating just for fun. At this point in my life, I am looking for someone I can share my life with - get married, have kids, etc. I'd like to start a dialogue about this so I know where you stand. That way, I'll be clear on whether we're on the same page or I should consider dating other people who are open to the idea of settling down."

I guarantee that will be more productive than saying "There'd better be a ring on my finger by Christmas or I'm OUTTA HERE!"

Need another example?

Ok... let's say your guy has a really nasty temper.

Which sounds like the more effective approach:

"You'd better calm down and start treating me with more respect RIGHT NOW or you'll be sorry!"

- OR -

"In order to be in a relationship with someone, I have to feel safe, be respected, and have a voice. Your anger makes it difficult for me to feel this way with you. Please let me know if this is something you plan to work on so I know whether I can continue to date you."

Saying things the first way will only cause him to blow up. But by keeping the focus on yourself and your own needs, you give him the power to choose his next move... all while keeping your own self esteem in tact.

Hopefully, he will choose to get his act together. But if not, YOU have the choice to say goodbye and move on to someone who WILL meet your needs.

So next time you feel unhappy or unsatisfied in your relationship, before you throw down the gauntlet, I urge you to simply state your needs and expectations first.

If he's worthy of being your man, he'll step up to the plate and willingly do whatever it takes to make you happy.

If you're reading this right now and want even MORE romance tips on how to be a smart, savvy, SUCCESSFUL dater, I can help!

In my eBook "Dating Without Drama," I'll teach you how to IDENTIFY THE SOURCE of your dating dilemmas...

And you'll also learn how to OVERCOME the challenges you DO have and learn healthy, confident behaviors that will help you become a drama-free dater from this day forward!

Download your very own copy (and be reading every piece of valuable advice in a matter of minutes).

Gotta run - I'll write you again soon!

Your friend,

PS - Know someone who's at the end of her rope and about to give an ultimatum? Send her this article now before it's too late!