Why "The One" is No Fun
Tue Nov 03 2009 - 12:53 pm
Didn't write this one either lol enjoy :)
I, like many women (and men, for that matter), have an ongoing love/hate relationship with this culturally ubiquitous idea of “The One”. As if the pressures associated with dating and internet dating weren’t intense enough, now we have this additional, underlying obligation to not only be charming and fantastic in order to have fun with the one we’re with but to use almost supernatural powers of discernment to sense which of the possible mates is the perfect match to complete our souls and lives.
Wow. That’s a lot to ask. It’s no wonder so many take issue with the very idea of The One…and it’s also no wonder that so many fall in love with the rare illusory nature of the hunt to find a needle in a haystack. Who started this idea? And who allowed it to be perpetuated for so many years? And really, is it all as bad as the cynics (perhaps including ourselves) would have us believe?
To get to the bottom of this idea, I can’t help but go back. Way back, to the beginning, when dating wasn’t so much about love and compatibility as it was about families, politics and ownership. Maybe when girls were being pushed into marriages that perhaps their hearts weren’t in, they were sold on the match by being told lovely sounding fairytales about their intended husband being the one true, best person for them to be with. I mean, if that’s the case and your parents (who always know what’s best, right?) are saying, “This is THE ONE!”, well, then why not get married? Why keep looking for Mr. Right?
I know, that’s just one answer but I like it. For the sake of argument, let’s just say that’s where the notion of The One came from. It’s a logical spoonful of sugar to help the medicine of arranged marriage go down. We can forgive that. We’ve all told ourselves little lies to make peace with the situations we can’t help being in. But when we fast forward to the time when women do have options as far as who they give their hearts to and share their lives with (and even have the option to not pick anyone), why does the myth persist?
I go back and forth about this. Thinking that there’s one perfectly suited person out there, just waiting to embark on life with you, with all the understanding, mutual ambition and congruity of thought they would undoubtedly possess, certainly makes shaking off the shame after a truly terrible date a bit easier.
But at the same time, what if you fall completely in love and everything is gravity-stopping perfection…and in the end, it doesn’t work out? And what if you fall in love again? Is the first person The One, or is it the second person? Or is it someone you haven’t met? Or someone you passed up? Is it just the last man standing?
This is my most glaring issue with the whole The One thing; all of these questions. I think the most important thing in any relationship is to be fully present and enjoying every minute of it. It’s natural (not to mention, just good sense) to think about the future but panic over the cosmic, existential meaning of your love is nothing but distracting you from fully feeling your love. And that makes me hate thinking about The One.
Love is sufficient unto itself and compatibility is a bonus. If you can make a happy life with someone, just do it. Happiness is the point, as far as I’m concerned, and it’s something we should take into our own hands. Sitting around waiting for the stars to line up isn’t nearly proactive enough for the smart, modern romance pioneer.
Tue Nov 03 2009 - 02:57 pm
#2
Oh yes it can!
If you both stay true to yourselves you can grow together.
This takes a lot of confidence (resilence)for whatever happens in your life or theirs and of-course positivity - the two being inextricably linked.
If you BOTH are aware enough to look after yourselves and develop as you go then yes you will probably find identifying and meeting your 'one' and maybe even staying with them throughout your lives....
Tue Nov 03 2009 - 04:52 pm
#3
Puzzled,
WOW!
This really, really hit home with me. Brought me to tears.
I do not have a lot of dating experience since my divorce, but in the short experience I have had......I have found this to be one of the primary issues out there these days.
Maybe it is because (unfortunately) I have dated and continue to attract/be attracted to many guys that have never been married.
I think this is a huge contributer to their singlehood! This notion of "the one" instills an unrealistic fear in people. They fear that, "although I am happy and in love with XXX, maybe he/she isn't "the one" and if I "choose" XXX, then I am missing out on something better... (aka-"the one").
The part of your thread that brought me to tears:
"Love is sufficient unto itself and compatibility is a bonus. If you can make a happy life with someone, just do it. Happiness is the point, as far as I’m concerned, and it’s something we should take into our own hands. Sitting around waiting for the stars to line up isn’t nearly proactive enough for the smart, modern romance pioneer."
SO, so true!
Love is an emotion, a feeling, not a choice and not something that can be forced.
BUT..... making a life with someone that you love...committing to someone that you love...working to be the best you can be and sharing and giving that to someone that you love IS A CHOICE!!
I think once we make this choice, together, a loving couple can become "the one" for eachother.
Tue Nov 03 2009 - 05:37 pm
#4
i agree with you dwdnut totally .......sorry i didnt mean you make you cry though . oops!
Tue Nov 03 2009 - 05:39 pm
#5
No apologies!
It was a good cry!
Like a relief.....I am not the only one who thinks this way! (maybe I am not "nuts" like my name implies!! heehee!)
;-)
Tue Nov 03 2009 - 06:31 pm
#6
Well said, that love is a feeling and commitment is a choice!
Because a person needs to FEEL loved to be "in love". Reaching the romantic love threshold requires meeting the emotional needs of a person and those needs translate into what it takes for the person to FEEL loved. Once the love is felt, then the commitment comes next.
Tue Nov 03 2009 - 07:37 pm
#7
One thing I have said for years now..don't get me wrong though, only the last 5years....(since my divorce) ha!
Love is a choice....It is a decision we make....it starts off with the chemicals (as Robin is so good at pointing out) and then falls into a decision....
Tue Nov 03 2009 - 11:16 pm
#8
theta...may I ask why you don't spell out the word GOD?
Wed Nov 04 2009 - 10:27 am
#9
Wasn't sure if it was appropriate. didn't want to cross any politically incorrect lines
Fri Nov 06 2009 - 07:42 am
#10
Have you heard of Leann Rimes song: Commitment?
What I'm lookin' for
Is a love that's forever
Someone who can capture my soul in a heartbeat
And stay for all time
What I'm prayin' for
Is a match made in heaven
Someone who will worship my body
And still put his heart on the line
Commitment
Someone who'll go the distance
I need somebody with staying power
Who'll make me go weak in the knees
Commitment
And everything that goes with it
I need honor and love in my life from somebody
Who's playin' for keeps
What I'm searching for
Is a man who'll stand by me
Who will walk through the fire
And be my flame in the night
I won't settle for
Less than what I deserve
A friend and a lover who'll love me
For the rest of my life
Commitment
Someone who'll go the distance
I need somebody with staying power
Who'll make me go weak in the knees
Commitment
And everything that goes with it
I need honor and love in my life from somebody
Who's playin' for keeps
Yeah I've had promises broken
Three words left unspoken
They just left me achin' for more
But I'll fight temptation
I won't be impatient
There's one thing that's worth waitin' for
Commitment
Someone who'll go the distance
I need somebody with staying power
who'll make me go weak in the knees
Commitment
And everything that goes with it
I need honor and love in my life from somebody
Who's playin' for keeps
Commitment
Someone who'll go the distance
I need somebody with staying power
who'll make me go weak in the knees
Commitment
And everything that goes with it
I need honor and love in my life from somebody
Who's playin' for keeps
weyyyyyyy
Commitment
Fri Nov 06 2009 - 07:51 am
#11
Good Morning Auds,
Can I ask you something?
When was your last contact with Swiss Miss?
Fri Nov 06 2009 - 08:20 am
#12
G'Morning, nuts, you asked:
When was your last contact with Swiss Miss?
In the flesh....Long ago.
Spoke together over the phone... long ago.
Missed calls from him... recently.
Now, he's away again until December.
The Universe places him here when I'm out.
Places me here when he's "over there"
I don't understand that when I'm at home how I can miss his call.
But I do... then there's a phone message. Ugh!
Auds
xoxox
Fri Nov 06 2009 - 08:33 am
#13
Well....
Don't you think maybe that is a blessing in disquise?
Some divine intervention?
Even before my (idiot) I mean...."my guy" and I ended it or went NC (or whateva the F is happening here!).....I was always happy when I missed his call or text! Because my willpower SUCKS when it comes to him. I was always waaayyyy too available. I think that is why we got "here."
I seriously need to come to NY.
I usually am alone for the holidays.
last year I was with numb nuts! OMG! I think I just figured out his nickname....fits, huh? Nuts and numb nuts? Whadda ya think?
Fri Nov 06 2009 - 09:04 am
#14
Nuts...LMAO
Nuts and numb nuts, what a combo!!!
Yep, it's a PERFECT fit.
I'll agree with: "...."my guy" and I ended it or went NC (or whateva the F is happening here!)....."
I, too, don't know what-the-he!! happened. One minute HERE and the next minute...Poof!
------------
Divine intervention, eh?
So, in March 2008 he makes a 3 1/2 business commitment.
Which brings it to year one in March 2009, right?
Which makes it 1 1/2 years in September 2009, right?
That means he's "available" when?
Auds
xoxox
Sat Nov 07 2009 - 08:26 am
#15
Yes we all have the gift of free will - to do as we choose best for ourselves... and depending on how you feel about YOURSELF - this will have an impact on what you perceive as being best for yourself at any one point (ie whether you wait to be with the one or happily stay with alone and dedicate your time to other meaningful life projects or whether you 'try' to make it work with someone who doesn't quite fit you at the 'moment').
Again that is our gift... the thing is there are consequences for any choices we make in life and the closer these decisions are to what the most authentic part of our selves wants/ needs (knows should do) will have direct link to the overall outcome of our lives.
Never underestimate the importance of staying as TRUE to you as poss.
Some people might call it true to our nature, or true to our divine being, whatever it is - there is a REAL part inside everyone of us that can distinguish a right and wrong path. It's about listening to every part of you and your body (signals) as well as your mind to really focus. Yeh it's easier to flip it up in the air and say what the .... who cares - I'll just go with this path and 'make' it work for me even if something tells me it's not quite right... Oh well - it is 'your' choice isn't it? Go for what makes you feel RIGHT INSIDE - WE ARE ALL CAPABLE OF THIS!
Sun Nov 08 2009 - 10:45 pm
#16
"Buddha 2,500 years ago.... said that when we learn to accept things as they are we find happiness. When we cease to strive for happiness in the future we find it in this moment. Getting what we want doesn't make us happy, being happy with what we have does. Craving causes misery, acceptance and peace makes us happy."
Sun Nov 08 2009 - 10:45 pm
#17
"Buddha 2,500 years ago.... said that when we learn to accept things as they are we find happiness. When we cease to strive for happiness in the future we find it in this moment. Getting what we want doesn't make us happy, being happy with what we have does. Craving causes misery, acceptance and peace makes us happy."
Sun Nov 08 2009 - 10:59 pm
#18
I am communicating with some guy (just started) and he said his goal is to be married...I told him that use to be my goal and have since learned about myself and life and now my only goal is to be happy...wherever that may lead to in an exclusive relationship. He thought that was a great goal...and your Buddha's wisdom sort of reminded me of this. :)
Mon Nov 09 2009 - 08:46 am
#19
Absolutely!
I feel the same way. Marriage is not my goal. Happiness is.
Right now I am very sad because I fell in love with someone who doesn't know how to be happy with what he has and is always looking for something better.
Another one of my favorites: "Life is not a dress rehersal"
THIS IS IT!!! Enjoy today and be happy because we may not have tomorrow!
(I am not practicing what I preach at the moment though because my heart is hurtin'....)
There may be several "the One's" a person can have in their lifetime. I am not the same person I was 20 years ago - thank G-d. The perfect person for me now would be different from what would have been perfect then.
If you are lucky you find one person that grows with you, but it doesn't always work that way