why do guys just want to have sex with me?
Thu Mar 11 2010 - 11:32 pm
Hello ladies!
I haven't been online in a while so I don't know if something similar has been discussed recently, if that's the case I'll look for it... but I have a bad thought in my mind I cannot get off and would like your help!
Basically the negative thought is... I think men just see me as someone to have sex with, not to date/have a relationship with. I know it's wrong to think so and that by thinking so I may even attract this kind of behavior... but come on I haven't been in a serious relationship for 4 years now, and the previous serious ones were both bad ones so... I guess I am just losing hope!
In the past months I've had men flirting with me... men who were just after sex. I know because they have a girlfriend, and they still pursue me! The first one I liked him a lot, he would take me out for dinner and be splendid with me, I had a weak moment and had sex with him and I felt awful afterwards thinking of his girlfriend. Needless to say, that is what it was all about - we live in two different cities and he never ever kept in touch after that.
the second one is a guy that lives in my city and his girlfriend lives in London... they've been together a while before he had to move and she stayed there, and they don't know what they'll do, they don't have plans to live together in the near future, since she cannot leave her job and he can't either, so they are apart and keep flying back and forth. I think he is the affectionate type and is not going to be happy in this long distance relationship... I mean I think that he is the one who would break a relationship like that not because he doesn't love his girlfriend, but because he cannot handle distance. but that is just my guess, we didn't really talk about it. We've met through friends and we hanged out a lot but always with a bunch of people and one night at a friend's party he kissed me... after that he insisted a lot to see me again and i did see him, together with other friends though, and he never really addressed the girlfriend issue... but l didn't ask, either.
A friend of mine says l shouldn't think men just want sex with me... she said l am a nice woman and that's why they are after me, they have nothing to lose. But may be I should be more strict and tell them "What the hell are you doing?! what about your girlfriend?!?". I did with the first one and he said he does not want monogamy... although he loves his girlfriend, he wouldn't give up sex with other women too - he said he likes the chase, the flirting, the sex.
The more I live and see, the more disillusioned I become. Sigh.
Fri Mar 12 2010 - 12:11 am
"But may be I should be more strict and tell them "What the hell are you doing?! what about your girlfriend?!?". I did with the first one and he said he does not want monogamy... although he loves his girlfriend, he wouldn't give up sex with other women too - he said he likes the chase, the flirting, the sex."
Yeah maybe you should be calling him out on it. This statement is certainly demonstrating what a jerk he is. I feel bad for his girlfriend. Why do guys like that even have girlfriends?
Be happy he showed you his true colors now and you did not get in any deeper.
I am sorry you are getting stuck with these idiots. But they are so pathetic it is laughable. We all get idiots like this. It is them not you.
But don't lose faith. Nice guys are out there, they just aren't so much in your face
Fri Mar 12 2010 - 12:29 am
Thanks Thetababe
but you know what? there are so many men out there who show me their true colors I am so disappointed at the masculine species...
I can add a couple of other episodes on the genre:
last saturday, my friend's birthday party. She had invited her neighbor, I had never seen him before. Gorgeous guy, super chemistry, we talked a lot and danced, he was complimenting me a lot, finally he asked: "So where is your boyfriend/husband?" I said I didn't have one, he was totally hitting on me, he thought I was dating some of the guys who were at the party, I again said "No, I am not dating anyone! Now where did YOU leave your girlfriend?!". He pointed at the ceiling... she was sleeping in their upstairs apartment, his PREGNANT WIFE!!! I looked at him in despair and he felt uncomfortable and LEFT the party without even saying bye.
Even worse (at least he was honest when explicitly asked): three weeks ago my best friend's date, whom she was dating for 2 months (and I hanged out with them a lot) just stole my phone number from her phone and started text messaging me very explicit sexual invitations.
Oh gosh!!!!
Are they idiots or do I attract them somehow?
Fri Mar 12 2010 - 12:38 am
I think you are attracting them somehow.
Although I get my share of stupidity, men rarely treat me with that level of disrespect. My karaoke buddy on the other hand attracts jerks like a jerk-magnate. I don't know why. But she gets a lot of the same thing you do.
Fri Mar 12 2010 - 02:27 am
Over the years Ive had friends husbands, a guy on his stag do, random marrieds etc the list goes on, all after one thing,trying their luck. I told them all a firm NO, the groom to be I advised him not to get married for his fiancees sake- he persued me all round the City that night.
I dont dress in a provocative way nor encourage these men. They tend to ask if I am dating first then if your not, assume your desperate I think!
I haven't had explicit texts like you though - not down to that level - thats totally disrespectful
I would rehearse some put down lines so eventually it gets around you want a b/f not someone elses cheating rat!There are decent men out there so don't give up.
Fri Mar 12 2010 - 07:46 am
Leonor-
The first thing I would do if I were in your shoes is to not go out with men who have girlfriends. No dinner, drinks, etc. Then there is no tempation on either side to do more.
The second thing I'd do is not put myself in any position where I'm alone with any attached man in a place where sex is even possible. Which pretty much is the same as the first one, since sex is really possible almost anywhere.
And the third thing I'd do is say no, regardless of how much I liked and desired him.
Find new places to meet truly single men. Perhaps you need to expand your man-finding-locations!
Good luck.
Kat
Fri Mar 12 2010 - 11:37 am
Do you have any male friends that you can trust who would tell you why you are attracting this kind of attention?
I think I must have "DON'T EVEN TRY IT" written on my forehead because I really do not experience this kind of thing to anywhere near the degree you describe. Yes it does happen, but more like just random drunks or idiots.
Is there a common thread going through these encounters, like they have been drinking?
Fri Mar 12 2010 - 12:57 pm
Thank you girls for your posts!
No I don't think it has to do with where I meet men... it's everywhere. And they are not drunk. For instance, the one who has the girlfriend in London is some friends' friend and I hang out with the whole group of people a lot. I didn't put myself into the situation of going to dinner or doing stuff just me and him, there are always many more people. The married guy and future dad just met me and flirted with me at a friend's party... and my friend's date is someone she had met at a party, again, and then she introduced us because he would do everything with her all the time, so he was always around and I am one of her closest friends...
I guess I don't make it clear that I am not open for FWB stuff... and they take me being nice for an opening?
l should try the "don't even try it" on my forehead thing!
Fri Mar 12 2010 - 01:11 pm
"l should try the "don't even try it" on my forehead thing!"
That is funny. No, it is just a vibe given off, I guess. Men pick up something in me that says "forget it dude"! The downside is that I don't get anywhere near the attention I wish I did from guys, but I rarely get this kind of crap.
My karaoke buddy must have "booty call" written on her forehead because she gets it all the time. Guys hit on her, and may seem polite and friendly at first but they are asking to come home with her, are calling her late at night.
Neither of us dress in a provocative way. We are both friendly and outgoing, except she is a lot more classically beautiful where as I am more quirky cute. But that shouldn't really matter if a guy just wants some sexy fun.
I dunno....
Fri Mar 12 2010 - 05:22 pm
One of my best friends and I go out quite a bit. She always ends of with married men and wonders why... When it comes to married/taken men and me, don't even think about it! There are plenty of single men out there, why waste your precious time on someone who is cheating on his woman?
Fri Mar 12 2010 - 05:54 pm
Maybe she doesn't really want or feel she deserves a real relationship and is addicted to the drama
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