Where are the butterflies??
Thu Sep 24 2009 - 06:01 pm
I've known my boyfriend for two years; we've been together officially for just over 5 months. He's loved me from the start. Back when we first met, I got the most incredible feelings in the world! Butterflies filled my stomach every time I neared him. About 6 months ago, we held hands for the first time, and it was like the Fourth of July! It was what I imagine a perfect first kiss would feel like.
But when we did share our first kiss a week or two later, I felt almost nothing. I haven't felt the butterflies or fireworks I used to get ever since we first held hands (although he constantly talks about how much he loves how I give him butterflies). It's almost like the electricity was all used for that Fourth of July.
Don't get me wrong, he definitely turns me on. There's no doubt about that, but that's a totally different feeling than butterflies. I love being with him and talking to him. I can talk to him about virtually anything. He's a joy to be around. He is sweet, funny, exciting, loving, respectful, and so many more things. Everyone likes him.
He wants to marry me and have kids with me. I can see us being married, and I've had those dreams about us having kids and me being pregnant with his kids. In those dreams, I'm usually the happiest I've ever been. There was only one dream I had where I wasn't happy about it, and it was a dream of him leaving me when I was pregnant. I know he would NEVER do that to me, so I don't know where the dream came from.
I feel like I almost love him. But there's something getting in my way. I'm not sure what it could be other than the fact that I don't feel I could ever completely love a man without having the crucial butterflies and fireworks most of the time.
Please tell me what's happening here. Why don't I feel the spark anymore? And how can I get it back?
Jessica
Fri Sep 25 2009 - 03:36 am
#2
May I ask how old you are??
Fri Sep 25 2009 - 07:04 am
#3
Hi Jesse,
Those 'butterfly' feelings are feelings of lust. That doesn't mean it's a bad thing either. That feeling - as far as I understand - will subside and be replaced by a real attachment to another person. Love is often a choice - it just becomes more evident that that is so once the butterflys fly away. You wouldn't expect to be feeling butterflys if you are arguing with your guy would you? The more you expect things like that to continue the less satisfied you will feel in the long run.
There is more to love and relationships than the good feelings that make you giddy. I used to feel electricity when my ex used to hold my hand and even though it was years ago now I still recall it clearly. With my current boyfriend I don't feel that so much (maybe because I'm more cynical now!) but I do feel so much closer to him and loved by him than my ex. I can wake up each morning and be glad that I've chosen him because I feel good around him generally not just fireworks with certain things.
I'm guessing your fairly young?? In a nutshell - don't worry that the butterflys aren't there all the time - consider if this guy is good for you.
Wed Sep 30 2009 - 05:09 pm
#4
I'm 20.
Wed Sep 30 2009 - 05:15 pm
#5
Also, I've been fighting the thoughts of "I Love You" in regards to him. I often think the words to myself when I'm thinking about him or looking at his pictures. But I always fight myself, "I can't love him, because ..." and I always seem to have a reason. I don't know if I keep reneging the statement because I truly don't love him, or if it's because I'm afraid to love him. Any thoughts??
Sat Oct 03 2009 - 02:51 am
#6
Could be both! You'll figure out so much about life through your 20s. I'm 28 and there is a LOT that has happened over the last 8 years for me! Learn about yourself, build your self-esteem, learn what you need in a relationship and don't think to yourself that this current guy is the be-all-and-end-all. If you have the opportunity to date many guys then you really will learn SO much:)
If your gut feeling is telling you that something is wrong with this guy then you need to listen to yourself.
Sat Oct 03 2009 - 10:41 pm
#7
I'M SORRY BUT I JUST HAVE TO ASK THIS ONE QUESTION:
EVENTHOUGH SOMEONE ON HERE SAID THAT THE "BUTTERFLIES" FEELING EVENTUALLY GOES AWAY IN TIME, WHAT IF IT NEVER DOES GO AWAY, BUT INSTEAD, THAT PERSON MAYBE JUST STUFFS IT DEEP DOWN INSIDE SOMEWHERE?
THE REASON I ASK, IS BECAUSE I HAVE A GIRL FRIEND NAMED "APRIL". APRIL HAS BEEN IN LOVE WITH THIS GUY FRIEND WE HAVE KNOWN FOR YEARS NOW, NAMED "BOBBY".
BOBBY IS MARRIED TO SOMEONE ELSE, BUT I THINK DEEP DOWN THAT HE HAS A REAL THING FOR APRIL.HE JUST WON'T ADMIT IT. I SEE THE STRONG CHEMISTRY EVERYTIME THE TWO OF THEM ARE TOGETHER. APRIL HAS BEEN IN LOVE WITH BOBBY FOR AS LONG AS I CAN RECALL. THEY ARE ALWAYS HANGING OUT & DOING FUN THINGS TOGETHER, ALMOST LIKE A REAL COUPLE.
APRIL TELLS ME THAT EVERYTIME SHE GETS AROUND BOBBY OR TALKS TO HIM ONLINE OR ON THE PHONE, ETC..., THAT SHE GETS THAT BUTTERFLIES IN THE STOMACH FEELING. SHE SAID THAT AT FIRST, SHE THOUGHT IT WAS JUST A CRUSH AND THAT THE FEELINGS SHE HAD WOULD EVENTUALLY SUBSIDE.
HOWEVER, IT HAS BEEN OVER 15 YEARS NOW, AND APRIL SAYS THOSE FELINGS STILL HAVE NOT DIED DOWN!!! SHE TELLS ME THAT EVERYTIME SHE SEES OR TALKS TO BOBBY, THAT IT ALWAYS FEELS LIKE THE FIRST TIME THEY MET AND IT SEEMS TO REALLY CHEER HER UP AND MAKE HER FEEL ALL WARM AND FUZZY INSIDE!!! BESIDES THE OBVIOUS, I WAS JUST WONDERING WHAT THIS MEANT?
15 YEARS IS PRETTY GOOD I GUESS, BUT IT IS A LONG TIME TO HAVE FEELINGS LIKE THAT FOR SOMEONE. HOWEVER, I CAN'T SAY TOO MUCH BECAUSE I AM IN A VERY, VERY SIMILAR SITUATION. LOL. ANY ADVICE???
Mon Oct 05 2009 - 03:13 am
#8
I'm not certain but it may be a case of wanting what you cannot have.
Mon Oct 05 2009 - 04:34 am
#9
Randi, I can understand that "butterfly" feeling that you have after even after 15 years. Even if the guy is married to someone else.
What this may mean is that there is some "unfinished business".
It always works out the way it's supposed to. The trick is to stop obsessing over it. To keep moving forward because right now he is emotionally unavailable.
Auds
xoxox
Sun Oct 11 2009 - 06:57 pm
#10
I agree Auds, but it's not me! lol It's my friend who is going through this now! :-) I admit that I have been carrying a HUGE torch for my best guy friend 4-ever as well ( can't ya' tell by all of my millions of other posts on here? lmao)
Anyway, I know how she feels. And... what do you mean by having "Unfinished Business" with them? I'm Just curious to know. Unlike my friend, I am trying to get out in the world and date other people.
Also, you say that things always work out the way they are supposed to. So, are you saying that if we get on with our lives and date other people and do what we want to do in our lives, that these guys will finally notice usfor who and what we are and want to date us??? :-P
Hi Jessica
An important thing to bear in mind is, the 'thunderbolt and lightening' - the absolute swinging-from-chandaliers-thunderbolts-and-lightening-passion type thing - always fades eventually; it's different for everyone but 'experts' reckon it lasts about two years max. Trust me, been there and done that and I bet other ladies here will tell you the same. If you've known your boyfriend for two years and been together for five months then the gradually fading of the 'butterflies' is a possibly just a natural progression.
Another thing to bear in mind is that everyone has different needs or expectations - you have to work out what your own specific needs and expectations are. For example for me personally, although a certain amount of 'spark' is definitely important - (no actually important is the wrong word, a spark is vital, if there's no spark it just doesn't work!) - the 'butterflies and fireworks' thing is not a necessity. I've grown to feel that truly loving someone comes out of a combination of factors (a spark of attraction, love, sharing, friendship, respect, companionship, etc etc.) I have the most wonderful man in the world, we never had the 'thunderbolts and lightening' thing but I love him more every day and wouldn't be without him.
Conversely, I do know other people who by their own admission have simply 'settled' (little or no spark whatsoever) and are reasonably happy. I also know people who won't settle for anything less than thunderbolts and lightening...
You say 'I feel like I almost love him.' Well the fact you're dreaming about having his children is a really, really good sign (that's how I know I've met The One!), but I guess the only way to tell is to give it a little longer and see if you grow to love him.
There's a line in the movie the Matrix which goes something like, '...it's like being in love, no-one can tell you when you're in love, you just know.'