When they Come look for You
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 10:43 am
Im putting my comments here under "relationships" instead of "understanding Men" like i normally do because Im really starting to understand them --
It has been said here that men respond to "distance" -- its true -- it has also been said that the partner that cares the "least" has the power -- this also is true ... RobininCarolina and other veterans here know my story -- And, i had stopped chatting here for a minute because I was "going thru" and didnt need distraction -- i had to go into myself and learn some things about Loving Self -- and I have been empowered ... Im naturally a strong willed female -- but can be very vunerable at times, particularly when it comes to me loving a man ... about a year/half ago i met this guy who is very charming, has a lot of charisma, progressive, handsome, thick, can handle his own ... and I was very attracted to him -- once we slept together and the sex was like that, this just sealed the package. However, as time went on, i realized that he is a player. What intrigues me though is that I think he's slowing down, just a little, for Me. I didnt know what a FWB relationship was til i fell into this one -- about 3 months into the relationship i really started to take notice that we didnt do anything together but sleep together -- why did it take so long for me to really figure this out, its because i was enjoying him so much and as long as I was with him occasionally, I was really ok. But after some time when the feelings really started to grow, I guess initially, just on my part -- the situation started not to feel so good -- i wasnt getting the pie, i was just getting crumbs. So, i tried to put a halt to it by telling him, that this is not working -- but the more i said it,the more adamant he was that we would continue til one day, i told him that either im your woman or im not, but the vicious cycle will stop -- yes, a year/half later -- and yes, i was tired .... I know I deserved better but i kept getting sunk in because i was falling in love w/ a player -- the last conversation we had was 3 weeks ago -- at that time, i told him, that if he feel that i dont deserve his love, then he doesnt deserve mine either; he said that was a reasonable statement -- last nite, i was "out" at a place that he knows i go to but he told me that he would never go there -- so i felt safe knowing that he would never come in there because he just didnt like the place - well, who did i see standing in the bar area of this place -- by himself -- not w/ his buddies -- last nite? yes, him, he was in a place that he claim he would never go to ... i went and spoke to him, and then went back to enjoying myself, before i knew it, he came over to me, grabbed me by my waist and started dancing with me. After the dance, I went back to where i was standing as he headed out the door, he turned to look around as if to say are you coming? I went outside w/ him but there was no sex last nite, I wanted to but he told me that he had to work today -- the only reason i wanted to is because when i get intoxicated, im very sensual ... he told me he want to see me tonite ... i told him things must change ... He said Ok. Im not starting the vicious cycle again yall, No Way -- he's got to be meaning for us to do more -- I wont go there again -- its too painful -- BTW, three weeks ago, I had to literally put a block on my phone, per his suggestion, if i wanted him to stop calling ... he mentioned last nite that i have a block on my phone, I do. When/If (HE CALLS - once i take the block off) we talk later, and we WILL talk, if HE CALLS -- I need to know his intentions ... i cant believe i was ready to sleep with him last nite, but He said No. He's never told me No when Im physically around him ... i think he was really missing me and wanted to see if anyone had grabbed his goodies yet ... -- ive already conditioned myself to let him go, so at this point, whatever happens, let it.
ps. I just finished reading a book which talks about "Your Sacred Center" it basically said, dont let no one in your Center not unless you can trust them not to hurt you, they respect you and they are willing to "pour" good things into your soul. Deep.
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 12:16 pm
Oh, you did good girl... until you let him "find" you. He is a player, right? So, you shutting him down is "game on". He came out to play and played just as he did before.
You are right to put a stop to it if he didn't have the whole pie for you. The next step is, if he is coming looking for you, he will have to move mountains, not hand you some of the same crumbs. No matter how many crumbs he gives you, even pieces of the pie, the fact is, it's not the WHOLE pie. Mountains girl, mountains.
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 01:37 pm
yep, the valley time has elasped -- he came looking for me, i didnt go looking for him ....
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 01:52 pm
Looking for you is not mountains. it's a bigger piece of the pie. Men will try coming back, just to do the same they've been doing all along. They give you time to cool off and show up to take what they want.
What is different? How is he different? We all fall for this one. We all go back expecting he is different just because he came looking for us or even at our door professing undying love. Promising everything we always wanted. It means all kinds of things: From, wanting to get even by dropping you this time, to just being horny that night and there were no other options. Until you see him moving mountains, nothing is different. Looking for you is not moving mountains. Looking for you is a game. Cat and mouse hame with not much cheese either.
You got his attention because you changed the game. Now, let him move mountains and see if he does. Then you pay attention to him and consider going back into the game. Raise your price tag.
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 02:40 pm
You don't know that he came looking for you just because you both ended up in the same bar. Did he know for sure you were going to be at that bar that night? Maybe he was hoping he'd run into you, if you happened to show up, but that is not the same as him actually coming after you (calling you directly, talking to you about what happened, trying to change your mind.)
I dated a guy like this once. He was really good at making it seem like he was pursuing me by throwing me a crumb every once in awhile, but I realized that was all I was getting. He was just stringing me along...to feed his own ego I guess.
Don't be food for his ego. Stay away from him and start up with someone new.
Sun Nov 15 2009 - 05:56 pm
I dated a player and fell into an FWB relationship. I've written about it in other postings. What caught my attention with your story and what Buits said also was....you said that he came after you but then declined sleeping with you. This seems similar to what happened to me when I told my player goodbye, then after a couple of months, he asked me out to dinner and I said yes...then he cancelled on me the night before. I wrote about it on here and even before getting feedback, I said that it felt like he did it to get back the control. He has a huge ego. Now it seems to me that is what has happened to you. He came to your territory--obviously to "get" you. Then when you fell for his lame charm and sex appeal, he suddenly was not interested because he had to work???? What man turns down sex because he has to work the next day??? In the book He's Just Not That Into You, it says even if a man is starting his new job as President of the United States the next morning at 4am, he wont turn down sex. I agree with Buit--he could have wanted to get even with you by dropping you this time. I know it's so confusing. BTW, since my player did that--cancelled on me--he did have a seemingly good excuse--he has never called back to reschedule. I havent talked to him at all other than speaking when I run into him at work occasionally. I feel like we are in some kind of power struggle. I think our chemistry is great and I really felt like he was falling for me. But with a player, how do you really ever know? I am ready for him to move mountains, but I don't think he is going to. It's been a month since the dinner cancellation. I am interested to know how this turns out for you. Buit, what do you think a player's next move is--after he turns things around and dumps you back? Is that it--game over? or are they waiting for your next move? Give us some insight?
Sun Nov 15 2009 - 06:09 pm
sunshine,
To answer your question about the next move:
I don't think he has a move. If you initiate contact, he can turn it to FWB on his terms until he gets really bored or find someone who gives him run for his money or you wise up and leave. Either way, you lose if you initiate contact. He is clearly not interested and that is not reflection on you. It could be for millions reasons and when you stop taking it personally you will stop trying to feed your ego to get him back.
Feel your soul, not your ego and dump the player.
Sun Nov 15 2009 - 06:48 pm
You are so right. I WILL get this through my head!!
Mon Nov 16 2009 - 12:41 pm
Men or women who "play" with people's emotions are mentally "sick" --
Thu Nov 19 2009 - 06:48 pm
18 months is a long time to care for someone that doesn't move mountains to be with you. Oh, he was definitely at that bar for you. He figured you would be there. My player used to do the same thing to me. After not contacting me for weeks, he would show up at this bar that I KNOW HE HATES and he knows I love and he'd always act like he'd been there waiting for me. As happy as he could be to see me, (after sleeping with me 3 weeks before and then no contact) Whatever. Its gets so old. Doesn't make me desire him any less, though. It almosts feels like I wrote the thread that you initially put in, except that my player never turned down sex. I think he lives for it. Nevertheless, you know what you have to do. RUN!!!! Do not contact him. I keep telling myself to do the same thing. I repeat in my head over and over, you want the pie, not the crumbs. The Pie. And as long as I don't go out or do the bar scene, I don't have trouble following that rule. Love yourself more than him I tell myself. Its been 18 months of this and I am no closer to him today than I was when I met him. I don't know why I obsess over him. Its been almost 4 weeks since I've been with him or laid eyes on him. In those 4 weeks, he told my friend to tell me hi(SO LAME) (which I ignored) and then on Friday nite after 3 weeks of no contact he sent me a message. It simply said "Hi. How has it been going? Again to which I didn't respond. He has no idea how much I pine for him. As far as he knows, I used to really care about him and now? But I'm trying to get over him. Its hard though. If you have already come to terms with it being over, DO NOT START THE VISCIOUS CYCLE AGAIN. PERIOD!!! IT HURTS TOO MUCH!!
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 11:33 am
Well, girls, allow me to invite myself to your elite group!
Yes, I too, fell hard for a player.
I could have written most of the above threads mysef. (except Buits's haha!!)
The comment that really struck me was
"Its been 18 months of this and I am no closer to him today than I was when I met him"
God...that is so sad. Why do we keep throwing ourselves into the fire like this? We are intelligent women! 18 months is way, way too much of our valuable time. Time that these men do not deserve. Life really is short. Let's not waste any more time!!!!
Curiosity...
He really has not done anything to show that he has changed. Too little too late. He just took the power back, is all. YOU had it when you were in NC!!! Don't take the block off of your phone!!!! That will really make him think!!!
xoxox
'Nuts'
Inspiration Story:
Connect w/ Paige
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