Have you had a conversation with regard to exclusivity? If yes, I would say very calmly, assertively and without any drama or much emotion that you noticed that he is still active on the dating site and it makes you feel uncomfortable about your relationship. Hopefully that is all that is needed. I had exactly the same conversation with my ex and it caused no problem whatsoever. He took it down, end of the story.

If it causes upset, it is a symptom that needs to be taken seriously. So in my view you have nothing to lose.

Yes we have had the conversation that we are exclusive. He refers to me as his "girlfriend" and he told me the last time we discussed the dating profiles that he was on there to look at my picture. He asked me to send him some pictures to his regular email which I did; so I was a bit surprised when I saw that he was online this morning.

He seems very much into me and very sincere. I feel secure in every other way; but had the weird feeling this morning when I saw that. I think I will broach the subject calmly with him when we chat tonight, like you said.

I have no interest whatsover in dating anyone else; and he's told me neither does he, so he should take it down right?

Thanks,
Margaret

The problem here is if you raise it with him, you'll also have to answer to him why you were on the same website. Can you handle this?

If you're feeling secure in every other way in your relationship, then unless he's given you a reason to suspect otherwise, I would be inclined to trust him, and put his being on the website as an innocent pastime.

I myself check a dating site very infrequently as I have some friends on there, and they occasionally check in with me concerning events coming up.

Men need down time when they're not with us. They'll slob around their house, eat junk food, drink beer and sometimes surf the net. It just means they're hanging loose that's all.

I am sorry, but I don't buy it. If there is a hide the profile function, he should use it.

It doesn't mean that he is not into you, but to me it is just a normal, considerate, respectful behaviour to not be active on the dating site once he has a girlfriend.

Don't make a big deal out of it, just say it very calmly, yet assertively. It is about setting your boundaries, what is and isn't acceptable to you.

Good luck!

Thank you guys! Both are interesting takes on the situation. I did bring up the subject last night and it went well. He said he tried to hide his profile a few weeks ago but it didn't work? He is not the best on the computer...lol He said he is going to hide it today and if he can't do it, he said I can help him do it this weekend when we are together. He is going to meet my family this weekend as we are having a birthday party for my Dad. I was hesitant about asking him, but decided to go ahead, and he sounded very excited. I do think that Trace is right that sometimes guys are bored and just surf the net; but I am firm that once you are committed, the profiles should go!

I will set my boundaries and stick to them. I've had trouble doing this in the past, but feel much stronger about doing it now.

Thanks!

Hi Margaret

In case it makes you feel any better, almost exactly the same thing happened to me - and just as I was all geared up to approach him about it he brought the subject up himself and removed his profile voluntarily. I now have a 'happy ever after' story, so I hope that gives you some reassurance :-)

I agree with Wise that if a guy is in a relationship he should not be active on a dating site - at least not if he is advertising himself as 'single'. On most sites it is relatively easy to hide one's profile or change the status to 'seeing someone', 'looking for friends only' or whatever.

That said, I also agree with much of what Trace has said. Guys get bored and surf the net or whatever and for some dating sites simply become a habbit, nothing more. Also, people can genuinely forget to remove or change the status their profiles. I got an email out of the blue the other day from a dating site I'd signed up for nearly two years ago and forgotten about!

Now if he were *always* 'active within 24 hours' on the site I would see that as a red flag, but my gut feeling from reading your post is that he just visits very occasionally. I have to admit that when I first got together with my man I checked into the site occasionally when I received emails from it or whatever...it was honestly just curiosity.

As Wise suggests, just bring the subject up calmly but assertively; approach it as a 'we' rather than a 'you' thing so that it doesn't come across as if you're trying to push him around (men seem to respond better when they think something's their idea lol!). You could say something like, 'Hey, I got an email from such-and-such-site coz I think I'm still registered there and it's reminded me - do you think it would be a good idea if we both removed our profiles?'

Hi Smiler 101,
Thanks for your advice and comments. It's great to hear that others have been in similar situations...and I'm sure with internet dating, this one comes up quite a bit.

Just a bit of an update.....I just went on and see that his profile is now hidden. And this should make me feel better right? But I noticed that his last login was 11 this morning and this could be that he just did it. But the other day he was on at 9 and again at 5, which may suggest that he is "active". Even though your profile is hidden, you can still go on there and talk to people, it just means others can't see your profile. I have mine hidden also, but I'm not talking to anyone.

Like Trace and yourself said, guys get bored and are sometimes just looking. I think I am now going to just forget about the whole thing and go with how I feel and how he makes me feel. Which aside from the dating site fiasco....he is absolutely fantastic! We always see eachother on the big nights (Friday/Saturday) when we don't have our kids; and anytime we can through the week. he sent me one dozen white long stemmed roses last week when I was home sick; even picked up a new bed I bought and delivered it to my house and set it up for me. Thesse are the things I am choosing to focus on!

Like my positive self talk?? lol

Hey, great news Margaret! I like the way you're choosing to be secure in yourself! I think it all boils down to how you feel about the man. If you feel a sense of security when you're with him (and when you're on your own as well), then this is what we should focus on.

I take it that you haven't yet helped him remove his profile? That will give you an extra sense of calm I'm sure.

Yes Trace it would give me an extra sense of calm if his profile was removed completely. But I'll take it one step at a time. We know guys like to be the ones to make these decisions on their own. I'm hoping it will be a natural progression and something he feels he wants to do on his own timeline.

Thanks for the words of encouragement :)

Margaret