What's he after?
Fri Jan 29 2010 - 04:37 am
I'm a bit mystified with this one - concerning a man I met online recently. We had a great first date (coffee) and he asked me out again straight away. I accepted. Again, the second date was great (we met for drinks after dinner). Conversation flowed, he was attentive and there were some nice kisses at the end of the night. He said he'd like to see me again but did not specify a time and place.
Then there were two weeks of no contact. Naturally I didn't initiate anything. I was surprised then to hear from him. He didn't give a reason for the no contact and I didn't ask. He asked me out again, and I said yes. (Although I put him off for a week as I'm genuinely busy).
He's a naturally open and flirty type of guy, and right up until the time he met me, and also during the initial first couple of dates period, he was texting madly. Some of the texts after the dates became a bit sexual, but I decided to just relax and go with the flow, so I flirted back (without losing my dignity as a woman). One text was too suggestive and I let him know that by saying I thought he needed to change his sales approach. To which he agreed and he apologised.
There has only been minimal texting from him after the request for a third date.
He was online last night and so I sent him a message saying hi. During the e mailing, he shares with me that he thought I was amazing, he's very attracted to me, rah rah rah. He was quite specific in the e mail - said he finds me sexy and also he likes my intelligence - said he was so tempted to do more than just kiss. (To which I replied "I think a lady should always get a say in that don't you?") I let him know I was looking forward to seeing him soon.
However I'm just a bit mystified as to where he's coming from. Because of his overt sexuality, and his flirting, one would usually assume someone like this would normally only be be interested in a casual sort of fling, or for sex only. Yet, he's made it clear to me the process of getting to know someone takes time, and he doesn't believe in rushing it. He also let me know one of the things he likes about me is that I'm independent and I have a life. He also left things a couple of weeks which would rather suggest to me he's not simply after a booty call.
I am assuming he is just a very expressive sort of guy (his profile says this as well). He has a lot of female friends. But what's everyone's views here? Player or for real? Obviously I'll go on the date and see how things go, but I just wanted a heads up from the Goddesses here!
One thing that made made me uneasy was that as part of a story about him telling me about a beach house he once rented in his younger days, was that it was a "babe attraction". (Yuck).
We have quite a few things in common - both being professionals and interested in business. He is quite a bit younger than I. We discussed this and that is not an issue for either of us.
I am finding it a challenge continuing to be friendly, fun and flirty, without giving the wrong impression I'm easy. He challenges me on a communication level as I have to find exactly the right balance betwene sexy/fun and woman of standards.
Fri Jan 29 2010 - 06:45 am
Hi Trace
Bit difficult to say...there are signs that say 'player', but on the other hand perhaps he's just highly sexual.
I think the way to go is to continue as you are, as you seem to be handling it well. I don't think being prudish is the answer (as I don't think you are anyway so it wouldn't suit you), but perhaps the way to deal with his 'advances' is to keep doing as you are doing - make it clear that you're not a pushover and 'dismiss' his 'advances' but in a friendly/flirty manner; respond in such a way as to hint that, when the time is right for you, you *might* just give in but you're not just going to jump. For example 'Nice thought, but could we get back to talking about XYZ now?', and 'Well of course you want to do a lot more than kiss, I know you're a man and I know I'm hot ;-)'.
For the time being, I'd try and ensure that you stick to dates in public places, and if you do end up going to his house for dinner or something make sure you're driving or have booked a taxi back home and stick to it, don't fall for the 'you can stay over in the spare room' trick.
If the guy isn't a player and is genuninely into you then he might get a little frustrated, but ultimately he will respect your boundaries.
Fri Jan 29 2010 - 09:35 am
Some people are more sexual and suggestive than others. That will not change as he has shown you already two things:
a. That he thinks its ok to disappear for two weeks (I am becoming less inclined to say this is beginning of dating stuff unless they give an excuse. Usually then the disappearing gets longer, not shorter, but that is my experience.)
b. He is flirty and overtly sexual
You can't change people, and if that is not ok for you, you should stop seeing him instead of trying to mitigate it on your end. He may be interested in more, he may not, you won't know. But since you are asking, I am thinking this is not the man for you. The first dates are to fun and to show you small red flags, not ones that are totally against who you are.
You can decline seeing him, or you can keep your boundaries. You should be prepared that he may jump ship because of your boundaries, but I would say in this case, that means you did the right thing for yourself, not the wrong thing. Just don't get attached until you see some of the things you want to see - consideration, respect, etc....
Good luck!
Fri Jan 29 2010 - 09:38 am
Also, stop emailing him/IMing him. That is pursuing. Period. The data you got from that conversation is data that he would not have given you had you not contacted him, so take it with a grain of salt.
Let him do the work. I do not know you, but I am concerned at this dynamic.
You may want to see if you like this guy, but you know he is not right for you, but you like the attention. Only you know in your heart if that is what you are doing. That is a dangerous road.
M.
Fri Jan 29 2010 - 09:47 am
Trace,
This guy could just be highly sexual...that's how my guy is. And trust me, my guy is NOT a player.
Fri Jan 29 2010 - 10:51 am
This guy is not for real. If he were for real, he'd pursue *you* more, and not get super sexual. Just because a person is 'highly sexual' doesn't mean they're not capable of acting with some respect and decorum. But the BIGGEST sign for me that he not in this for anything remotely serious is the minimal effort he's investing in your dates together.....coffee? Fine. But then drinks after dinner (i.e. no dinner)? Seems fishy. I bet you he tries to make the 3rd date somewhere private, because he's hoping to lure you.
Also, the "I like your intelligence/independence/blah blah sounds super nice and those are things men should appreciate in us, BUT, its no skin off him to hand you these compliments to "prove" to you that's he's not just in it to win it, i.e. using you.
Oldest tricks in the book, Trace! Be wary.
Fri Jan 29 2010 - 10:58 am
That's true Barnowl...he did disappear on her after the 2nd date. And now there's minimal texting after asking for the 3rd date. That was and is not the case with my guy who is highly sexual but not a player. Jammy pursued the heck out of me for the first 2 months. Naturally the crazy calling/texting we were doing in that time had to settle down to more of a routine which is where we are at now.
Fri Jan 29 2010 - 11:18 am
My take, Trace.
This guy is how old now?
You said that in his younger days he rented a beach house that was a "babe attraction".
My EX fiance was defintiely a player UNTIL he met me.
---
You are older than he is. This guy is how old now?... Hmmm.
You've been on two dates and when you saw him online you initiated saying HI and then he responded ...blah..amazing...blah..intelligent.
DO NOT INITIATE NEXT TIME, k?
You told him to change his sales pitch. He apologized.
This guy is how old?
----
Many men like to try everything once and being with an older woman or having a three-some is certainly something a "player" wants to try
Those are my thoughts until I have more info.
Auds
xoxox
Fri Jan 29 2010 - 04:56 pm
Thanks everyone, I admit I'm kinda interested to see where this goes. I agree, the third date will be interesting.
The drinks after dinner date for date 2 worked well for us both as we were both extremely busy that week at work, and as he was keen to see me, (and I him) catching up at this time worked perfectly - we met at a nice bar overlooking the water. In New Zealand, we have a far more relaxed dating culture as well. Dating here tends to be more laid back.
Before I got into DWD, and understood that in the early days a man can sometimes wait for up to two weeks before making contact again, I would have assumed the no contact for a fortnight meant the man wasn't all that interested. And I wouldn't have given the man the time of day if he did call after two weeks. Now I suppose the only thing I can say is that I'm keeping an open mind. I admit though, like you Tallgirl, I struggle with this concept a bit.
I've only initiated the one message ever, and it was very informal. And I plan to keep it that way as I agree, the right approach is for a man to come to the woman, and for the woman to respond. (Not the other way around).
Auds, you're right about the older woman thing. This man does genuinely like older women and I know there are some men like that. He is also quite mature. He's travelled a lot and displays far more of an understanding of world affairs than other men ten years his senior. However I'm also aware that many younger men choose an older woman because underneath they lack confidence. Sometimes these men can be a bit lazy, and all they want is for the (older) woman to do all the work. I am aware of all this and so am mindful. (Gee, hope I don't sound overly cynical here!)
Yes, there are some signs he's a player, but yes, there are also signs there might be more.
I do find him a challenge as I said from the communication point of view as he keeps me on my toes in responding to his texts in a fun and flirty way without ever demeaning myself by coming across as loose and "up for a good time". At the same time, I don't wish to come across as a prude either! He told me that he's had comments from other women that his forwardness and sense of humour can be off putting. I haven't found it so - as I quite enjoy the banter, but I understand what he's saying as he comes awfully close to the line on ocassion. Maybe that's his way of testing me? Who knows?
If anyone sees any other possible red flags, I'd sure be interested to hear that. Thank you everyone for your comments, they are all very helpful.
Fri Jan 29 2010 - 05:23 pm
Very useful info, Trace:
He told me that he's had comments from other women that his forwardness and sense of humour can be off putting. I haven't found it so - as I quite enjoy the banter, but I understand what he's saying as he comes awfully close to the line on ocassion. Maybe that's his way of testing me? Who knows?
He likes older women b/c HE IS MATURE, TRAVELS ALOT and the above comments that he has made to you...
Trace? If you two don't work out, can I date him??? LMAO
Auds
xoxox
Fri Jan 29 2010 - 05:23 pm
My gut feeling is that he is a player...but maybe trying to grow out of that...and maybe doesn't have experience with a woman of your caliber.
My friend was not a player and he disappeared for 3 weeks after asking me to be his friend, so even non-players can disappear. But these disappearing guys might also be afraid of commitment. Oh, by the way, my friend is also considerably younger than me too, yet came across as very mature.
"However I'm also aware that many younger men choose an older woman because underneath they lack confidence."
Exactly my friend, and now I think that's why he's afraid to let himself fall in love with me.
"Sometimes these men can be a bit lazy, and all they want is for the (older) woman to do all the work."
Oh my gosh, this is not cynical. It's true. That's what happened with my friend and I, until I finally showed up in person again and then he must have panicked and then I realized that I was GIVING too much to make things work.
I love a challenging man. But that is also a problem for me because then I tend to do the pursuing as I like to get what I want. The more the challenge, the more the interest, even if it is not reciprocated.
These are just my experiences that may help shed light on your dilemma.
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