what should I do
Sun Nov 15 2009 - 03:14 am
Hi,
my 1st time here, seemed like may be helpful to join because I am tired of trying to figure my problem out on my own and am also willing to give my advice to others. Well here it goes: I am in a 11 month long relationship, in love he says he loves me also, but in the last few weeks has admitted to me cannot tell his ex about us (they have children and he says she may not let him see them if she knows he's over her). He says she's bi-polar so he's scared of what she may do. They've been separated for 2 yrs, she left him but lately has been trying to tell him they should get back and he just told he'd have to think about it and couldn't give her a straight answer.
He apologized for telling me all this and said is very upset for letting her control him. I suggested we break up because not healthy to lie to her and hide our relationship. But he didn't want to break up and He almost begged me and said doesn't want to lose me because we have a great relationship and is in love with me and very hard to find true love. So at this point I am so confused because he says he wants to marry me and I am the one he wants to be with. So I don't know if I should believe him and be patient with him or just leave him so he can get back with his ex., yet he says he cannot go back with her because no love there.
Please advice.
Sun Nov 15 2009 - 03:35 am
If his ex has bipolar and it's unmanaged, don't hold his not wanting to tell her about you as a slight on you or a sign of disrespect. He's probably just trying to save himself f/ alot of unnecessary drama. Don't let your ego get in the way on this one. He's not dealing w/ a balance individual via his ex.
On the other hand, you yourself need to do some soul searching and decide whether you are willing to have the inevitable drama that this woman may one day bring into your lives together since he does have children w/ her. Know YOUR boundaries.
Perhaps you should try and be empathetic and get some history on the situation from him. You need to know what you're dealing with here..but don't let the idea of "if he truly loved me, he'd tell her about me" idea here. He's not dealing with a balanced individual at the moment.
Sun Nov 15 2009 - 03:33 pm
Thanks so much for your words of advice. You're so right about my boundaries, thats one thing I've been trying to do, figuring out how much I can put up with her affecting our relationship. I've been patient and plan to continue having open communication with him so that , like you said, I may know what exactly am dealing with. But I know eventually I will only tolerate but so much. I just hope all this doesn't take another 11 months and then my sacrifice goes down the drain.
I wish this wasn't so complicated. My love for this person can be open-minded and willing to understand but it's just that sometimes I feel insecure that she may convince them to get back together.
Thanks again.
Sun Nov 15 2009 - 11:51 pm
It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it, too. I do not doubt that he and his ex are having issues, and she may even be threatening him with regards to the children, but for some reason my gut tells me that this is not the entire story. I think he may have been the one to leave the relationship with her, and now he is trying to maintain ties in both situations -- yours and hers -- until he figures out exactly where he wants to be.
It has been my experience that every time a man claims his ex is crazy and/or suffers from bi-polar, it is usually because he has done something to hurt her and can't take responsibility for his actions.
I say get out of this relationship now, and when/if he is honestly and truly ready to resume things with you, then he will come and find you. The longer you remain in this situation, the more you will expose yourself to his drama. And isn't the point of reading Paige's book to learn how NOT to be in a dramatic relationship?
You telling him that you wanted out of the relationship, in my opinion, was your gut response to this situation. I think you know that he is not telling you the truth; and yet, you are not ready to let this relationship go due to eleven months of "happiness." It's definitely not worth it. There are too many men in the world for you to be stuck on this one.
Good luck.
Mon Nov 16 2009 - 01:41 am
To TropicalSunshine: I truly appreciate your input. You seem so right that I was actually scared to admit my fear but you just nipped it. I will definitely have to do some serious changes.
Thanks guys. About the book I haven't read it but you've inspired me to do so.
Inspiration Story:
Connect w/ Paige
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