What does he want now???He dumped me but doesn't seem to want to let me go!!
Mon Nov 02 2009 - 10:59 am
I have asked several questions regarding one particular relationship over the past two months, I must say the advice has been stellar..
I had lunch one month ago, at his request, so that he might return my mink coat to me (after trying for several months since he broke it off, to accomplish this)during the last 30 days I have had NO CONTACT...until today.
I have a house key of his, so I sent an email telling him I'm going to be returning it, the email was on the light side, nothing heavy, just short, sweet and to the point, asking how, in his expert opinion we should accomplish this task...He called me in moments, first on my cell, then on my house phone, this was at 8;30 a.m. I may be reaching here, but he did not have to respond so quickly and could have just sent back an email...I have had this key for months, never once did he ask for it, and yes, I kept it for a reason (no, not to break into his house)
Was it okay to make contact?? He seemed very happy to talk to me..as far as I know, he has a girlfriend, that he has never told me about.
Any opinions on this?
Smartblonde2 is puzzled in Toronto...
Mon Nov 02 2009 - 11:19 am
Hi Smartblonde
You have entitled your post "He dumped me but doesn't seem to want to let me go!!", but re-read your post from an outsider's perspective. Notice anything?
I am possibly missing some stuff here, but it comes across more as if you are the one who is not wanting to let go of him rather than /or as much as the other way round? Come on, be honest! :-) (And that's not a judgement, just an observation. We've all been there so you're amongst friends!
He indeed responded to your email immediately - BUT - remind yourself who initiated the contact in the first place? And also, how come you didn't just send the key back to him (secure delivery) with a polite note rather than emailing him to ask? If you imagine how you'd act with someone you definitely didn't want to see, I'd be willing to bet you'd have just put it in the mail and had done with it.
So - in answer to your question - yes, it's perfectly fine for you to contact him, but if your motives are (deep down) because you hope to get back together with him - then you know the rules: he will come back of his own accord (without any prompting over lost keys or whatever) he he really wants to...
Mon Nov 02 2009 - 11:34 am
Yes, I do realize what my question reads like...Obviously, I have not completely let go...he also, did not have to respond in a couple of minutes to an email that did not require immediate attention.
I asked him how he wants the key return accomplished, an option to send it in the mail in a multitude of secure ways, he doesn't go for any of these, instead says, 'I'll get in touch with you and we could get together for lunch..' I won't do lunch with him again. It means nothing.
The smart thing for me to do, to make a very strong point would be to send it to his work place, I thought he would suggest this, he did not, it is the perfect option. I did not suggest this, because I wanted to see what he would say.
No, I don't hope to get back with him, HONESTLY I don't, do I still have feelings, YES but I'm moving forward in my life, one of the reason I sent an email. To get him and his key out of my life!
SB2
Mon Nov 02 2009 - 11:37 am
Lol! :-)
In that case, take the bull by the horns and send the key back to his workplace. Job done, game over!
Mon Nov 02 2009 - 11:53 am
SB,
First off - do you owe me any dosh? ;-)
This new data, i.e. it's style, is very revealing. Basically, he is receptive whenever you make a move/serve. And disproportionately high compared to the actual incoming stimulus. Analogy: "Would you like a piece of cake?" / "Oh, my God - thank-you so much, thank-you-thank-you-thank-you... Here - have a Rolex as my way of saying Thank-you!"
You are, you must admit, very cool. I've sampled you. Cool, calm, over-controlled, seemingly underreactive on the outside surface. Inside = storm raging.
That phonecall he made right after lunch: Were you cooler than he was during it?
Are you too cool for him??? Does he feel overly vulnerable and precarious because of this?
Actual question: Are you "too cool" for any male ego? Or is this HIS particular ego problem (due to baggage)?...i.e. he needs extra-big and -bold Green Lights before he'll dare drive through the intersections? RSVP.
I now think this girlfriend (working on the assumption she's anything of the sort) is him settling - 'better than constant non-reciprocation and heartache yet better than nothing/no-one'.
Whatever else you want to call it, IMO that reaction of his proved MAJOR PANIC. Panic over the signal 'You are about to lose me for good'. The housekey is his symbolic tie from you to him (just as your coat was), and you'd just threatened to sever it.
You could say he just had a conveniently free moment. But were that the case then the mobile message would have sufficed. No - he wanted to get hold of you in order to damage-limit properly and fully.
Because note how the hand-over of the coat wasn't made to include the key when that would have been the logical action of a couple who were in full agreement to break up for good? Forget - did ya both, eh? ;-p
You need to honestly answer that above question.
xoxo
Mon Nov 02 2009 - 12:35 pm
Soulmate,
Wow do you get me!!!I am a very collected calm woman, however, I can assure you I'm not too cool, I have been very receptive, warm and engaging with him on every level, with every encounter...He is a very confident man, he goes after what he wants and is not in the least shy about it. When he wanted me...it was a relentless pursuit, with lovely words, actions, gestures. So, I'm not too cool for him or we would never have gotten together in the first place.
As far as the girlfriend, I think you are correct, he is settling in a way, she is, I'm sure very sweet, nice, safe and someone to be with rather than be alone. He knew her from before we met, had her listed as a friend on facebook from before he and I started seeing each other, if he had wanted to date her before me, he would have. She was convienent and available and knows a good thing when she sees it.
The KeY, of course I knew I had the key, so did he, I never mentioned at our meeting last month, he never asked.
His response this morning, was astoundingly quick, he called from the Court House, where he has been selected to possibly do jury duty, so he had some time on his hands..I was just a filler, don't you think, although, he always sounds upbeat and happy when he talks to me and you are right, I make a move, ask a question and he responds, I would like him to make his own move first. He said he'll call me re arranging the RETURN of The KEY..so many ways to do this, but it sounds like he wants to meet again....
SB2
Mon Nov 02 2009 - 01:02 pm
I am a very collected calm woman, however, I can assure you I'm not too cool, I have been very receptive, warm and engaging with him on every level, with every encounter...He is a very confident man, he goes after what he wants and is not in the least shy about it. When he wanted me...it was a relentless pursuit, with lovely words, actions, gestures. So, I'm not too cool for him or we would never have gotten together in the first place.
You answered me too quickly.
But - "warm" instead of "hot", noted.
Honeymoon exacerbates and exaggerates, particularly when it presents a relief-giving contrast to what was suffered beforehand in terms of ex-relationship. Getting together in the first place is not the same as maintaining togetherness. Did you over-exaggerate your ardour (or, rather, let loose the tigress within due to temporary abandonment) and then slink back to Default You (image-consciously over-cool) once the shock and novelty wore off?
Were or are you compatibly hot by your standards only? Or is "warm" your leaked subconscious confession????
Did you, only in/during your abandonment, match his confidence as expressed via heat, but were unable to sustain that as normality took over once again? Think again, and harder, glasshopper.
I say this because you're cool and collected here where you don't even have to be.
As far as the girlfriend, I think you are correct, he is settling in a way, she is, I'm sure very sweet, nice, safe and someone to be with rather than be alone.
If she is safe then that suggests you aren't (as equally as Being Alone isn't). Gotcha ;-) Tell me how you are/were unsafe.
He knew her from before we met, had her listed as a friend on facebook from before he and I started seeing each other, if he had wanted to date her before me, he would have.
Bravo, Holmes!
She was convienent and available and knows a good thing when she sees it.
Or she's a very helpful friend (wanna bet on it? ;-)).
The KeY, of course I knew I had the key, so did he, I never mentioned at our meeting last month, he never asked.
No. Ha..ha..ha. What a pair of pretenders. ;-p He ain't THAT confident, then, is he, eh?
His response this morning, was astoundingly quick, he called from the Court House, where he has been selected to possibly do jury duty, so he had some time on his hands..I was just a filler, don't you think,
Nope. A little filler is given the chance to phone/text back because a little filler holds no importance thus urgency.
although, he always sounds upbeat and happy when he talks to me and you are right, I make a move, ask a question and he responds, I would like him to make his own move first.
You sure he hasn't???? Have a cleverer thinkipoos, Mrs Mink ;-)
He said he'll call me re arranging the RETURN of The KEY..so many ways to do this, but it sounds like he wants to meet again....
Oh, so now he has to make another call in order to arrange the arrangement he could have made there and then???? PMSL!!!! :-D x 100.
But I'm not going ahead in any direction until you have that longer think. And I want this: "I swear on my mother's life that I'm not repressing my natural passion and effusiveness and therefore coming across too measured by ANOTHER'S STANDARDS, particularly a Once Bitten Romantic Partner, which is possibly being interpreted as Not Keen Enough = Unsafe".
'Ard enuff?
xoxo
Mon Nov 02 2009 - 01:40 pm
Soulmate, you are one brilliant individual, I like your style, of thinking and writing...There is one area in which he thought I was unsafe, you are not going to like this, you may even think him very shallow after I tell you this...
He and I had been seeing each other about 4 months. He, right from the beginning knew some aspects of my life were less than perfect, I never pretended otherwise. He, when we first met did some research online re, my late husband...My husband was in the broadcasting field and well known, it was also well documented that my late husband was a heavy duty gambler. All this was public knowledge. In the beginning my guy was very reassuring about facing any challenges I had together, he was always going to be there for me, etc., blah, blah, blah...
I believed him.
At the four month mark, he had some questions about my finances, as I had told him I was going to sell my house, this raised a red flag for him, whereupon we had a conversation in his car one Sunday afternoon, when he expressed his concern for my financial situation, more for himself than me me...he said, and I quote, " I'm disappointed, I was hoping to be with someone who is financially secure and with whom we could meld our things and have a nice life from here to the end.""
And that, my dear Soulmate, marked the beginning of the end....he gradually pulled away from me, a week later he said, his feelings had changed and he didn't know why, and that he wanted to miss me.I went along with his request for space every weekend for 6 weekends,
had him over to dinner at my home and then realized as another weekend loomed, that I should just end it, and so I did, it was what he wanted.
Months have past, took months to get the coat. Never a question about his house key being returned.
Sounds like neither of us will admit it to the other, but we have not let go, I realized a long time ago, I had not but what about him.
I think he just likes to know I still like him and he could probably get me back if he wanted me. It's a an ego stroke for him don't you think that's all it can be..
Are you telling me, I should in anyway tell him how I feel about him? Don't you think he knows, I still like him, or why would I give him the time of day....??Does he need to hear it straight out. How would you suggest that be done? He is involved, if he really wanted me, he knows how to do it....especially, if he believes I still like him...come on...toss me a bone here!!!
Mon Nov 02 2009 - 02:17 pm
You haven't made that statement yet. Nice dodge attempt, tho. :-)
xoxo
Mon Nov 02 2009 - 03:20 pm
I can so relate to all of this. It takes time to let go (and yes, hanging onto the key is part of that) but let go you must.
There were reasons why you broke up, and only time and distance will heal that part in you which is still hurting, and that which misses being in a relationship.
I encourage you to double your efforts to build your new life. Now is the time to start some new projects which will keep your mind (and heart) active and focused.
You ask whether it would be wise to have a chat with him about how you feel, and having been down this track personally with a man I was very in love with (and like your man, was also involved with another after we broke up), I can tell you, this is not a good idea.
Yes, he knows how you feel - there is no need to spell it out to him. He knows if he wants to, he can return, however, he's choosing to be with another. You need to accept this. And I think you deserve so much better as you're a classy, strong and together woman!
Act with strength and dignity now as you forge a new life.
A book I've found very helpful in letting go relationships that are no longer working has been "The Language of letting go" by Melody Beattie. I read that like my bible when I was letting go my fellow, and it helped me stay with my strength and my dignity.
Wishing you well...
Mon Nov 02 2009 - 03:24 pm
Thank you Trace, I will check into the book...
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