Hi petunia

I think your suggestion sounds like a good one.

The best thing you can do for the time being is draw back. If you try and push things, you will push him further away.

I don't know who ended the relationship (him or his ex-girlfriend), but if she ended it he may still have unresolved feelings. Even in the most amicable/mutually agreeable break-ups, it's always harder for the 'dumpee' than the 'dumper'.

To try and continue seeing him right now as purely 'just friends' would be too difficult; while it's good to be amicable, you can't just flick a switch in your head then wake up the next morning and see him as nothing but a friend - and coming to terms with the fact that he's back with his ex will be even more painful.

If you can psychologically put him to one side - keep him filed away somewhere in the back of your head but in the meantime keep as busy as possible, then you could arrange to meet up in a couple of months' time and 'test the water'. By that time, you could have met someone else, he could have broken up with her again and/or upon seeing you realised how great you are and decide that it's you he wants...or you can simply both decide to be friends.

Good luck!

OK I hope someone out there has advice for me. I just signed up so I am new to this. My story is a long one so I'm sure I may leave something out! anyway I met this man in December, I wasnt ready or looking for anyone. He charmed me, said all the right things, and really made me feel good. The first month was weird, he would only see me for like 10 minutes a day stopping by. Never on the weekends. I knew there was a reason but he always had an excuse. As we grew closer he told me he had just gotten out of a 6 yr relationship with a woman. She gave him an ultimatum in October either marry me or I'm gone. (she lived with him also) but moved out. This woman is a total whack job herself but that's a whole other story. She basically wanted a father to her 9 year old son, who she had with an affair while she was married to her ex. He told her he would not marry her so she moved out (now she didnt even have her son living with her at his house) She doesnt even want the poor child and dumped him on her ex husband. Anyway I will get back to my story. So he was seeing me and her in the beginnning which I didnt know which makes sense that he didnt want to see me all the time. At that time he never invited me to his house. Anyway I fell for him really hard. He is a charmer in all kinds of ways! I began spending more time with him and now at his house. He does drink a lot which I know if bad but I thought I could help him, lol which I know now I cant. We would sit and talk for hours and he would talk about her and I would be a friend and listen which was very hard. She had a new boyfriend which he figures she found when she gave the ultimatum which was eating him alive. Well needless to say we had ups and downs every 2 to 3 weeks. He would call and say he couldnt see me anymore then 2 days later here we go again. I know this sounds crazy but I fell in love with this man. I feel like I love him more than I have ever loved anyone. When we are together we are so much alike, we laugh, have fun and get along so well. As time went on I could always tell when he was thrown into a tailspin. I did a big no no and checked his phone. He talked to her daily and texted her constantly. On those days he would be drinking so I knew this had happened. He told me he still loves her but not in that way. He said she cheated on him and just cant get over why and is very hurt that she did this and broke up with him. It's very unresolved. I thinks it the male ego that has a lot to do with it. I told him I loved him early on which was stupid I know. He didnt say it back and always said, dont say that. We got closer of course and I spent a lot of time with him seeing him almost daily. We went on trips together. He met my parents who live out of town. Now I never have met his family. Well to make a long story short, last friday night at 2 am we are sleeping at his house and all of a sudden I hear a "Hello??" well he didnt have his door locked and she walked in. He went in there and took her outside. I had a bad feeling he would make me leave. I was very calm about the situation which I cant believe. He came back in and said he told her to leave he was with someone else which she seemed very surprised. She left crying. She wants him back now. This week he has been seeing me almost everyday he says he doesnt want her back because he could never trust her again but still loves her but not in that way because they had been together for 6 years and been through a lot. She doesnt want to work and only wants someone to take care of her. She's a basket case in the head. I just cant go on like this. Last night I stayed with him. He was stand offish which I knew something was going on. Well her told me her current boyfriend changed her number so they cant talk anymore. I said you need to let her go but I just dont think he can obviously. I told him I could no longer do this anymore. I told him to get back with her maybe he will be happy. He said he didnt want to. I'm so tired of this roller coaster ride. I told him I waas going to block his number so I wouldnt be able to communicate with him. He begged me not to do it. He cried. I know he loves me but he never says it unless he is drinking. I have a huge heart and a lot to give but I need it in return. I love him so much and my friends are getting sick of hearing all this over and over. I left, I kissed him goodbye and we both were in tears. I know if I dont block him then he will be calling me and it will be starting all over again. What should I do? I know he loves me because I can feel it. I dont think I can help him get over her. I really dont thinnk he wants her back but he cannot let go. Please advise........... I need help bad!

It's me again, by the way, I am 47 and he is 53 so we arent children even though he acts like one sometime!

Hi Ladybugtina

Hi and welcome.

Would you mind posting your question on a new thread (just copy and paste it)? That way, your question will get more attention, and people will be able to use this thread to respond to the original poster's question.

Q - "What do you do when he goes back to the old girlfriend?"

A - Let him. Wish him the best with a smile on your face, let him go, Do NOT call him. Next! ;)

Simple as that. You are wasting your precious life-force energy to try to convince a man of anything different than what he is telling you he has decided to do. Why would you want a man who wants someone else anyway?

Treat yourself like you would treat your own best friend. Love yourself and work on your own self-worth. Ask yourself how you can get to the point of truly believing that you deserve a man who loves, adores, respects, and cherishes YOU. :)

Go Love YOU! :)

Petunia,

I agree with Chloe Blue Eyes -muster your dignity, hold your head high and gracefully bow out. You cannot remain friends with this man while he's with another. It's too hard.

I can appreciate you sometimes wonder about the other man from 12 years ago. You acted well, and with dignity here. The fact that he still asks about you just means you exited with style and grace. If you remained as friends, you would not have been able to achieve such a positive outcome.

You are a wonderful woman, with Goddess like qualities. Keep on being a goddess!

Sending you heaps of care and strength...

Petunia,
I really have sympathy for you. Hang in there. It is so hard to try to do the right thing and only end up hurt from it. Who wants to be the equivalent of the nice guy finishing last all the time? I guess I don't really have any advice, just want to say hang in there. Eventually, looking back, you will feel good knowing you did what was right.

Lock the door behind him!

you know i went through what you are going throgh just this past summer.i tried to be just friends with the guy i was seeing that went back to his ex of 3years .it did not work so good .he said he would always be there for me if i wanted to talk and that it was nothing that i did it was just that he was not as over the ex as he thought he was..i tried calling and thing but that just semed to make things worse for me as it made me miss him more .in the end i just tiied to fogret about him .tried to move om with my life .i decided that i was going to try to do things for me for a while .try to figure out what i always do wrong in relationships here. i discovered that you know i do not really need a man in my life to be happy .that i am just as or even more happy being single.i got used to not having a man in my life and for the most part things were good as for the first time i really like my self and my life.then just 4 months ago i meet someone .was not sure if i was ready to start over but decided to go out with him and see how things go and so far things are going good i think if i had of stayed friends with the ex this new guy would not have come along for me.so breaking all tied from the ex i think is best or you may just be missing out on the right guy for you if he come alone thanks for your time

Hey sweet.things50

Good for you girl! x

Dear Petunia,

God, I am sorry to read your story. You seem to carry yourself in a very cool and gracious manner and that is always the best way to handle anything, good or bad.

Definitely move away completely for now. For everyone's peace of mind, mainly yours.

I understand your main query is how to proceed from then on.

Firstly, try to move on as much as possible. Who knows, universe may play one of her lovely tricks and grant you with someone even better. I know you find it difficult to believe right now. But you sound really great and like attracts like.

Secondly, if in a few months time despite your best efforts you still want to try the 'just friends thing' (really? or see where he is at?), it is all about timing. My real advice would be NOT to go there, but I fully understand why you may choose to do it anyway.

So only do it when you are absolutely strong enough to meet him accepting fully that he is not going to come back to you, a very short and sweet e-mail just asking how he is ('I hope you are doing well'}, saying a couple of words about your life (keep it as neutral and short as you can) and a casual suggestion to meet up for a coffee. I wouldn't do the semi-apologetic 'I don't know what the protocol for Just Friends is...'. Also, when you contact him, don't be so open about your feelings, don't give him the 'you know I have tried to forget about you and I ...and I haven't been able to ...' speech. The fact that you want to see him again speaks for itself. He does sound like a lovely guy, but he DID choose to leave you and ultimately hurt you, so you shouldn't, in my view, offer your heart so easily to him this time around. Be gracious, pleasant, friendly, maybe slightly flirty, but nothing too dramatic.

Hope that helps.

I genuinely wish you strenght, love and happiness,

Wise_until_it_happened_to_me

Thanks so much for taking the time to write - your advice is 100% right on... I am a pleased to report in the months that have followed I have not contacted him at all - no phone calls, no emails...nothing ...in the interim, I've been working, bought a house, writing a book and making new friends. I tried Spanish classes but didn't have enough brain cells left over at the end of the day to focus! Trying to think about dating - doing the match.com thing with mixed results - there are definitely some strange people out there.

Should he ever be 'part of the plan' he's going to have to figure that out on his own. I am sure she is a nice lady, and who knows who broke up with whom (he and I had much more interesting things to talk about) ... but one can always hope that someday you'll open your email or get a phone call and you hear a voice you still miss a lot.

Anyway appreciate the advice!

I don't mean to be rude, but this guy sounds like a complete waste of your time. I wish there was rule for guys like this - maybe a sign around their neck that says "Don't bother."

Listen I don't know you but I am sure you have many wonderful traits, and you deserve a whole better. That I know.

Also might I give you this tidbit of advice - Never tell you a guy you love him first. Even if you are spending lots of time together - it's a great little test to see how long it takes him to say it. Three simple words while they seem simple can send the greatest guys packing if they aren't ready. In fact when they say it, may I suggest you wait a while before you say it back, unless you really really love the guy and you just can't contain yourself a moment longer? I promise you I can think of three girlfriends who struggled with the same issue - great, smart, accomplished women and the guys would never say "I love you" back and there was always some excuse ... none of these women are with these men now.

I wish you the very best - and yes block this fellow's number and get on with a life with a guy that isn't a complete emotional basket case with a drinking issue and a wacko x-girlfriend that no matter how hard you try and no matter how much he enjoys his time with you is going to keep popping up. You just don't deserve that, don't need that, don't want that...

Thanks so much for the very nice note. One has to have faith, but I admit I keep hoping one day I'll see his email in my in box... In the meantime, on with my life ... with the exception of this setback, is a pretty excellent life to have ;>0 Best of wishes in your dating ...

WOW, thank you!

There are definitely days where being a woman of grace is not easy, but I can't think of anything I'd rather be. :>)

If nothing else an experience like this makes you want to help other women going through relationships that are not working - like just last night I got to help a girlfriend who was really hurting ... so what goes round comes around.

Thanks again!

Your note made me tear up a little - I thought I was done with all that!

You are so right - he is a good guy and I will go to my grave knowing he never meant for me to be the rebound girl, it just happens ...

But you are right - no contact - not necessary...and you are right don't want to do that unless you are 500% sure you could do it with a sincere smile on your face and no expectations. As a result of this I've written a book that is on its way to a publisher now - a Christian Eat, Love and Pray if you will about a traditional girl trying to live gracefully in a modern world and some days are funnier than others - Bridget Jones style ... I plan to send him a copy when it is published ... I don't have to say a word - he'll see where he influenced it ;>) (all good things by the way.) Maybe I will say Thank You A for making this book possible. Warmest, me. What he chooses to do after reading it will be very telling ... and if nothing, that's ok too.

Petunia-

One more word of encouragement. What happened to me back in the early Spring was almost identical. He went back to the ex. I didn't realize it then, but he did me a favor. I made up my mind I was going to move on w/ my life. With that new attitude, 6 months into this relationship, I am with the most wonderful man I could have ever met. We had been acquainted for 10 yrs. We finally went out & clicked like we never have before. I approached this from the start using the D w/o D principles w/ great results. Our future looks so bright & things are amazing. It can happen!