Valentine's Day
Tue Feb 16 2010 - 01:34 pm
Hi, I'm new to the message boards and hope you can help me.
I'm in a LDR with a guy 800 miles away. We just had awesome weekend in Florida. Complete with kids, if you can believe that.
The problem is, no flowers for Valentine's Day! Nothing! He says he ordered them to come Saturday a.m. at my house (I worked Friday and Sunday. He has been to my workplace.) I had car trouble Saturday and was home all day. No flowers! He was aware Saturday afternoon they did not arrive! He had gone out of town and says he did not have the info with him to staighten it out. He did nothing! No flowers on Sunday at my work either!
By Sunday night I was furious and very, very hurt. I informed him in no uncertain terms that he had really hurt me and no flowers on Valentine's day is a deal breaker for me. It tells me I am not important. Am I over-reacting? Our relationship has gone well up until this point. We have had a few issues but no dragout fights. We've been seeing each other since last October.
There is one more thing. I feel silly even posting it because I know what you all will say. He is married. At a get-together 16 months ago (when we weren't dating, I had another boyfriend who has since died) he announced he was going to get a divorce and move back to where he grew up. Well he hasn't done that yet. He was separated for a while but his wife moved back into the house because of finances. He says he's not sleeping with her. I think I believe him but I really cannot stand waiting any longer for him to leave her. He says he doesn't have the money for the lawyers.
I can feel it, the "dump him" vibes coming from all of you. Well it would have been smarter not to get involved. And I knew the score when I did. But I thought he would be motivated to file for divorce. He is kind, thoughtful, handy, travels to see me, and loves my kids, especially my two year old whose father died last year. So it is really hard to walk away.
Please, please help me. I really need it.
Tue Feb 16 2010 - 10:21 pm
Hi countrygirl.
I'm not going to comment on the married thing - just looking at where you wrote "it would have been smarter not to get involved".
As for him not sending you flowers and you telling him it was a deal-breaker for you, it sounded like you meant it.
Your whole post sort of screams 'help me out of this mess' so you should continue to consider ways to remove yourself from the situation.
It wouldn't be the worst thing ever if you don't have a man for awhile or at least don't get together with him. Meanwhile you are getting involved with other things and getting to know other people that you don't have to be embarassed about. Compare this to dating a guy that says he and his girlfriend that he lives with broke-up but they are still living together for financial reasons but you can never go there or meet her. I'm sure you've already considered how this could only be a transition relationship for him with you and how you shouldn't put on all eggs into one basket anyway.
As for walking away, join the crowd when it comes to it not being easy!:) You can read more on this site about that for sure. It's a process. You have to decide who you are and what you want and if you are going to settle for less. I'm glad you are seeking to do the right thing.
Blessings, Lexy
Sat Feb 20 2010 - 10:01 pm
"his wife moved back in to his house because of finances"...BULL! You need to move on and forget about the flowers...he gave them to his wife! I'm sorry if that seems cold, but I think you need some cold water splashed on your face so you can see things more clearly. This is why I will never even consider seeing a man if he is separated. Just too much pain. Games.... Good luck. :)
Sat Feb 20 2010 - 10:44 pm
U must never get involve with married men esp. when they claim they are getting a divorce...
Thu Feb 25 2010 - 01:40 am
Oh countrygirl my heart goes out to you. Some years ago I dated a married guy for FIVE years (yeah wasnt I the stupid one). He and his wife still shared their home and he said it was because of "finances". He kept saying he (a) didnt love his wife (b) wasnt sleeping with her and (c) was going to leave her BUT it never happened in 5 long years.
What made me move on was that a friend of mine also met and fell in love with a married guy but HER guy left his wife within a few weeks of meeting my friend. It was a kind of wake up call for me.
Yes, I know dating married guys isnt the thing to do and I am not condoning it - in my case I didnt know he was married until a few months into the relationship (god I seem to have a penchant for men with secrets ...lol)but honestly, we keep seeing it time after time on this site ....if a man wants to be with you HE WILL.
Sat Mar 27 2010 - 06:44 am
Hey CG
I'm sorry you're going through this pain...really sorry. To be honest, you don't really need our advice, because it's clear you already know what you need to do, but you just haven't quite found the courage yet to do it.
Here's the question - if he lives with his wife, but they are really seperated/getting a divorce, does she know about you? I'd bet she doesn't! In which case, he is having an affair and sadly, you are extremely unlikely to ever be the winner in that situation. He's spinning you a line...if he'd spent money on flowers and they'd not arrived, he'd have phoned them up straight away and dealt with. What 'details'? All you need is to remember the name of the place or website you ordered them from....it's not THAT difficult to remember!
If you want a long-term, fulfilling relationship and someone who can become a dad to your kids, then as much as it hurts, you're going to have to get out of this. Just be straight with him and be strong...tell him that you cannot continue and will not have any more to do with him, unless he turns up at your door with a divorce certificate in hand. Nothing less will do. If he loves you, that will be the surest motivation in the world - the thought of losing you. At the mo, he has zero motivation at all...he's got a 'wife' at home and 'fun' with you. He has no reason to change the situation.
I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through! Please give us an update!? :)
Fri May 14 2010 - 04:23 am
Thanks for all your comments. I am ashamed to say it has been three months for me to have the courage to read them! Well I am still in this screwed up relationship and I am so embarrassed. I love him and want to marry him but all he has done is talk to his lawyer on the phone. He has not filed for divorce. He has not moved.
My birthday was two days ago. He took me to dinner on the weekend when we got together for a car show. I got food poisoning and wound up in the Emergency Room! He was very attentive in the E.R. but that was it. No mother's day card or gift. No card, gift, or flowers for my birthday until I complained and said I needed these things and dinner when I got food poisoning (and had to ride herd over my unruly three year old) was not enough. Well he sent the flowers several hours later but by then I was so upset that I had to prod him I did not call. I tried to call the next day, he did not answer his phone, and mailbox was full so I could not leave a message.
We are supposed to get together this weekend for an important event. My previous boyfriend was an organ donor and we are supposed to go to reunion that one of the recipients will be at. I do not want to go to this alone. I cannot reach my boyfriend. I hate it when he is unreachable. I have been reading some of the other posts about what is appropriate need for communication and I need it everyday! I do not think that is too much to ask! I am at my wit's end. I really thought this relationship had potential but I cannot stand feeling like I do now. Please help.
Fri May 14 2010 - 04:55 am
countrygirl, you wrote:
My birthday was two days ago. He took me to dinner on the weekend when we got together for a car show. I got food poisoning and wound up in the Emergency Room!
---
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONTH! You are over your food poisoning! You still have the rest of the month ALL OF IT to celebrate.
You also wrote:
We are supposed to get together this weekend for an important event. My previous boyfriend was an organ donor and we are supposed to go to reunion that one of the recipients will be at. I do not want to go to this alone.
I had a similar situation years ago and I was told I have choices:
1. You do not have to go to this important event. Period.
2. If you choose to go then ask a family member, neighbor or friend.
3. You can also just stop by for a short while.
For every problem there is a solution.
Don't be so hard on yourself when you are already so down!?!
When you are less emotional you can explain what you need in a relationship - that you do not want to have to "prod" him to send flowers.
Explain the reason that you did not call to thank him for the flowers but do not apologize even if his ego was hurt.
He did not answer the phone after you called afterall.
From what you write, he is not meeting your needs.
Auds
xoxox
P.S. I did NOT NOT read your first paragraph;)
Fri May 14 2010 - 07:17 am
The donor recipient reunion is out of town, the plane tickets are nonrefundable, and I made arrangements to meet the recipient of my deceased boyfriend's liver. I am not going to back out on that.
My previous boyfriend and I had a very stormy relationship. He beat me up for two years and had a massive stroke while beating me up. That is how he died. He and my current (married) boyfriend were longtime friends. Honestly, there is nothing like putting this in black and white to show how ridiculous it is, is there? I don't think there has been a man in my life who has met my needs. Why is it too much to ask? No amount of stating my needs seems to do any good, it is like talking to a wall.
Fri May 14 2010 - 07:24 am
Country Girl-
Then you're talking to the wrong wall.
In a truly loving relationship (and they DO exist, and ARE possible), there is no "stormy"ness, aka beating. There is no other woman. And there is a recognition by both parties that needs, desires, thoughts, of both people are important, and that respect for each other is critical to the success of the relationship.
I feel horrible that you had to go through the beatings with your last boyfriend. And for years. Wow. You seem to have come quite a way since then in terms of the fact you are a strong woman. I admire that.
But... You are still not with the right man. He's married. He's not available. He's not attentive enough for you. He's not meeting your needs. He never will because he's not free to be just with you.
I wish you the best!! I think you should ask a friend/relative to go with you to the donor event. And get your mind around what your next steps should be in terms of your current boyfriend.
Good luck!!!
Kat
Fri May 14 2010 - 07:39 am
I know. I know I need to leave him. I have tried two times. In every way he is loving and attentive. He spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's with me, my oldest son's birthday, my employer's annual ball, etc. I really thought he would come around and want to be with me. It is just so crushing. I also adore his parents. I was friends with them before him! How screwed up can this get?
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