Try understand this one......!!??
Mon Oct 26 2009 - 08:47 pm
Hi All
I'm currently seeing a guy who is showing all the signs of being very very interested. He texts me every morning, calls me every day and also goes online on the nights I don't see him. He is very attentive, tells me I'm pretty, beautiful, etc, enjoys my company, loves talking to me and loves spending time with me. Admittedly, he is busy as he has a full time job and also has his own business, however he does make time for me. His actions definately speak louder than his words and I have told him on many occasions that I don't pay too much attention to what he says. lol We make each other laugh and we also push each others bounderies, thereby making our time together very stimulating. We held off sleeping together for about 3 weeks and when we did, we took each other to heaven!
Now, I know this sounds almost perfect, hey? lol Heres the catch....he's attached. Now, before everyone says DEAL BREAKER! (which I know full well it is), I need to let you all know that I am comfortable with this and he knows that when I am ready to walk away, I will. I have not opened my heart to this guy for that very reason alone. Geez, if he wasnt attached, I would have given him my love on day 1.
I don't have rose-coloured glasses on with regards to this guy. Admittedly, I have been watching his body language, the way he looks at me, listening out for lies etc and so far he has been completely upfront with me. I have put it to him that what he is not getting at home, he is getting from me eg kindness, affection, attention, fun, respect etc. He said that he wasnt looking for that when he met me and he didnt know that it would go this far. He was just wanting to meet someone to chat with online and become friends with. uh huh! lol He is slightly guarded when it comes to discussing his current relationship, which is understandable, and I never push the subject. He is the one who broaches the subject first. From what I can gather, she is co-dependent, can only identify herself with him, calls 20 times a day, accuses him of doing exactly what he is doing with me - lol - and is rude and disrespectful. The rudeness I have listened to first hand when he took a call on speaker from her while I was with him. To be honest, you wouldnt talk to your dog the way she spoke to him. Of course, I then asked why he wont just break up. He said he can tolerate alot -compartmentalise. Fair enough, most guys can. What is bizarre is that he refers to her as 3/4, meaning that the partnership is not 50/50. He gives her everything she asks for to his detriment most times - rewarding bad behaviour (just like I am) lol He says he will not leave her - he cant. It took me awhile to get it out of him, but I believe the reason he wont is purely financial. He measures his self-worth by his material assets. I am starting to see cracks in him. All of a sudden, he is a little more moody, talking a bit more about his other relationship, is now dis-satisfied with his job etc, tells me I am a roller-coaster ride, that I make his heart hurt and on Friday he told me "I think I do (love you), but I can't" That came out of the blue!! I truly believe that he needs to be wanted; needs to be needed; and needs to feel worthy and manly again and apparently I make him feel that way.
So, thats a bit of background for you. My question is - what the hell is he doing with me, besides having a bit of fun?? Is he falling for me?? Is it worth me standing by him while he works out what he wants?
Mon Oct 26 2009 - 09:43 pm
You say you're comfortable with this...but the question isn't if you're comfortable...but how comfie do you think his wife is or would be with the knowledge of her husband's infidelity?
Are you really comfortable taking something that doesn't belong to you? Walk away. Not for you. Walk away because it's actually the RIGHT THING TO DO!
Just because he makes you cum and you love the sex doesn't make this right.
Mon Oct 26 2009 - 09:51 pm
Thanks for your imput K203. I am aware that this is the wrong thing to do, and he is aware of it as well, hence the "rewarding bad behaviour" comment. At the moment, I am putting aside the right and wrong of this liaison, as it is a separate topic of discussion, in order to find out how his mind is working and why is he doing this? Oh btw, he isnt married.
Mon Oct 26 2009 - 10:52 pm
My question to you would be, why are you playing sloppy seconds? In my opinion, I would want to be the one that he was invested in 100%. You're settling for less and in doing so, he will never feel the need to walk away from the other woman. He can have his cake and eat it too!
What you do is up to you, but I would put a stop to it ASAP. You are allowing him to treat you as second best.
Mon Oct 26 2009 - 10:53 pm
Shilo,
I don't think you are going to find anyone here on this forum interested in figuring him out for you. I don't know of anyone that supports his behavior or yours. What both of you are doing is wrong.
Who cares what he wants or why he is acting a certain way? Hopefully it is because he knows that he is a cheating coward. I don't care how financial secure you are in a relationship, if you are miserable you get out! You don't cheat...the gf or wife (whatever she is) knows what he is doing and is probably treating him like a dog because that is what he is...I am sure you are not the first for him and if you are I can guarantee you that you won't be the last..
Sorry for the directness here, but I have been in the other woman's shoes...Trust me, there is no respect for you or him.....
The other important factor that plays into this that maybe you need to look at. IMO, there is not a women on this planet that will have an affair with married man (or taken) that has self respect.
Tue Oct 27 2009 - 12:04 am
Strong, thanks for your comments. I appreciate your bluntness and its probably what I needed to hear.
I have been telling myself lately, if he leaves her for me, he would probably do the same to me.
Yep, I think I need some more time to work on my self respect.
Tue Oct 27 2009 - 12:11 am
I don't want to come off as rude here, but I was married for a very long time to a man that cheated on me and probably did the things that this guy is doing with you. The woman on the phone that you heard probably knows that something is going on but cannot prove it, you know woman's intuition, hence the tone in her voice.
First off, you need to have respect for yourself. Even if this guy leaves, he is a cheater! Once a cheater always a cheater. He will get with you and after a while when the excitement wears you will wonder...
My ex of 20 years left me for my best friend whom I have known since I was 15. Can I tell you I introduced them and she stayed in my house(Came in for sister-in-laws funeral)... and paraded their relationship in front of my children and family members when we were not even divorced yet. I have 0% respect for this woman. I was 100% faithful to my ex and bent over backwards for him (still trying to figure out why, because frankly I am so glad the B**** got him) I am happier than I have ever been so, you can take on her misery or you can walk away feeling good about yourself. There are plenty of emotionally available men out there and you don't need to be a home wrecker to get one. I totally agree with the woman above that "there is not a woman on this planet that will have an affair with a married or taken man that has self respect" VERY WELL SAID!!!!
Tue Oct 27 2009 - 12:26 am
Shi- sounds like you know full well this is a HIGH RISK situation...it's a big gamble with the odds being in favor of your getting hurt...badly...I know you don't want to hear that and that you're a big girl...but trust one who knows. My recent ex and I had a rich, wonderful (for the most part) relationship f/ over 6 years. The problem was, when I first met him, he was "newly" detached, meaning he was recently widowed. Although I made a firm commitment to proceed w/ caution, he and I got deeply involved. I loved him w/ my whole heart. He was a good man. But I know full well that the grief loss process can take a good 5 years..I went into this with this full awareness. In the end, he really didn't want to fully commit. Although he loves me, he would have been perfectly happy continuing indefinitely w/a committed/monogomous "dating" relationship. To me that ain't commitment. Now I know your situation is a bit different. You're in the "infatuation" stage..and OMG, does that ever feel soooooo yummy...very tempting and hard to give up - but hard as it is, try and not delude yourself, essentially romeo is a "cheater"..if he's still in a relationship w/ someone else, yet sleeping w/ you, what's to say he wouldn't do the same to you down the road...do yourself a favor and put the brakes on until you get an official green light...or your in f/ a world of hurt! Trust me, I'm an expert on the whole re-bound thing...last one lasted 6 years! Believe it or not, I'm not the least bit "bitter", just really heartbroken and really feeling vulnerable...and that's what you are right now..vulnerable...don't ever forget...the double standard is was and always will be out there and applies: "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk f/ free". Sorry to sound so preachy, but be prepared.
Tue Oct 27 2009 - 12:31 am
Amen, JS! "Cheaters'n'Beaters" is the #1 NO EXCEPTIONS deal breaker!
Tue Oct 27 2009 - 12:37 am
Smerk, thank you so much. I am so so aware of what is happening is so so wrong. You have pinned it down - I am vulnerable. I think he truly wants to "fix" me (not sexually, though) as it is something he mentions a bit - that he has had a "dramatic" impact in how I feel at the moment about myself. I keep telling him to pull his head in!
I guess I am torn at the moment in having "fun" until something better comes along and growing a conscious. Right now, I think my conscious will win. The fact that Im even sharing this with you guys and deep down knowing what kind of response I would get proves that my conscious is winning.
Wish me luck! I'll be back, no doubt, in tears!
Tue Oct 27 2009 - 05:07 am
I'm going to take a different tack than the others.
I think you need to think about yourself. He is responsible for his actions, why should that be up to your conscience if he is freely deciding to spend time with you?
Think about the risks and disadvantages to yourself. If he is becoming moody and offloading his problems onto you, do you really want to mother him? If this disrespectful girlfriend is going to make your life hell - and believe me, she will find out - are you ready to deal with her? What are your choices, and do the advantages continue to outweigh the disadvantages? Remember, as long as you are in this situation, you are putting off your own chances of meeting someone who will commit fully to you.
I wish you luck and clear thinking.
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