Struggling With this Circular Dating Thing
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 05:45 pm
So, I have 3 guys on the go at the moment, still at the early stages of dating (2nd and 3rd dates) and absolutely no intimacy.
Here they are in order of who I met first:
No.1 is the cute Highland guy who I really fancy like mad, but he is hopeless at arranging dates and a bit pressed for time (he teaches and is studying for a masters too). I am also not convinced he is over his marriage break up and he misses his estranged kids. He doesn't spend a lot of money on dates and is very geeky. His Highland accent is totally lovely as is his softly spoken voice. I heart hugging him! He is only a year older than me.
No.2 is the Irish kayak guy who is also rather sexy, in an older, plumper sort of way. He lacks confidence and won't do any chasing. Some of his conversation is a bit off, inuendo wise and he made some odd remarks about sexism in the workplace that makes me think he has issues. I keep forgetting about him and struggle to keep momentum going as he doesn't put much effort in. We had a massive misunderstanding earlier on when we met about who phones whom and then had difficulty getting together. He is 5 years older than me.
No.3 is the spiritual yoga guy (teacher and p/t medium). A total gent, always proactive, seems most trustworthy (I think), fit and healthy, sense of humour, yet isn't a looker. I mean slightly sticky out ears and crooked teeth sort of looks, but nice eyes. I want to find out more about his relationship history. He is 7 years older than me.
I did have a No.4 who was the local gallery guy, who I spoke with on the phone, but he seems to have disappeared on me. I probably shouldn't be dating him really as he is suing a friend of mine (he doesn't know of any connection) Oh, well.
I am giving them all a go, but you can tell which one I like best, can't you?
Seriously, it is so difficult getting to see them all, especially as my working week is so busy and the weekends just aren't long enough, lol!
How do you other circular daters manage?
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 11:10 am
#2
Glad you brought this topic up on it's on thread, we have it stung out everywhere here. This was my last reply on the subject on another thread. You are not alone in this juggling act.
The trick is to mostly still date yourself. Date you more than any of them. I do create distance. I don't always answer the phone and I don't always accept dates. This keeps them spaced and me on pace. If they get impatient with me, well then they are free to go. If they are truly interested they will be the ones hanging on for a change instead of me.
Funny thing though, when there is competition, often it piques their interest. It's way to early to lay the cards on the table with any of them. Wait and let him play his hand first and you follow suite. If you play first, well he wins
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 11:55 am
#3
How do you meet all these guys? Online? If so, which sites?
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 03:09 pm
#4
LOL thetababe! My questions exactly!
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 03:31 pm
#5
Really, I see several Goddesses on these boards that always have some guy, or several guys on the go. Where do they come from?
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 04:03 pm
#6
LOL, Sp, you are spot on!
Thanks so much Robin, you make a very valid point about making time for myself - that is so important and probably why I am feeling a bit harrassed. Thanks for that.
and Thetababe, they are all on Match.com - I am fairly new on there so being contacted by all the men that think they smell new blood. Been stung before so not as naive as they think, lol.
Tue Nov 24 2009 - 07:02 am
#7
Me again, update on the circular dating thing.
After thinking earlier on this week, that I was down to two guys and feeling rather relieved about that, the other two have contacted me again. Drat, but good, I guess.
So, for me really there are the two contenders (they both have the same firstname, which curiously is also the firstname of my ExDH):
Cute Highland Guy (CHG)
and
Spiritual Yoga Guy (SYG) (the medium)
CHG and I have had more dates together, and they are really rather wacky dates, involving a lecture at the uni, great walks, an arthouse movie, that sort of thing. We are sort of at the kissing stage (although I held back when he tried, dopey me). We have a lot in common, but I do feel that he is a tad self-obsessed and intense.
SYG and I have had two great dates, where we do lots in one date, coffee, movie, walk, meal and he is very thoughtful and sensitive about my needs. Our conversations are very interesting and he seems a really nice guy. I had a moment when I looked into his eyes and the ice around my heart melted. For a moment, lol.
Now this is great and all, I have two guys that I really like wooing me. After meeting with them I feel so happy and good and, ok, slightly loved up, lol, but I am also worried. Worried that I won't be able to choose, worried that I will hurt one of them, worried about the other two guys who are in the sidelines.
I know I am probably worrying needlessly, that things will become clear as time goes on, that perhaps I do need to distance myself from both of these guys or I will get sucked in too soon.
All this is so alien to me that it feels uncomfortable, what to do?
Tue Nov 24 2009 - 09:55 am
#8
Why are you worrying about this at this stage? Relax and enjoy. No one said anything about exclusivity. How do you know they aren't seeing other people too?
Chill. Who knows, a 3rd may come out of the blue. Seriously, when the time comes to choose, you will know. Maybe it will be neither of them.
Tue Nov 24 2009 - 10:57 am
#9
I am fretting cos I am a worry merchant, LOL. I suppose in a way I feel like I am doing wrong, I forget that they are probably dating others too.
Thanks for the reassurance, I think I just needed that!
Tue Nov 24 2009 - 11:48 am
#10
Hey Fab!
Stop worrying about them. The goal here is to get them to worry about you!
Understand that they are going to come and go. More than likely you will be kissing a lot of frogs. My lips are soar, sometimes I just take a break like now. Any offers for the next 10 days are going to be told I am booked up.
Tue Nov 24 2009 - 12:07 pm
#11
Fab,
Once again we have something in common.
I stink at the rotation too. I have gotten better, but you do have to remind yourself that they are probably doing it too. And also, we are not getting any younger, so really, who wants to waste any time being exclusive only to find out you wasted all your good stuff on a frog????
Keep rotating till you're sure it's your Prince!
Tue Nov 24 2009 - 12:16 pm
#12
Remember, your goal is to go out, meet new people and have fun. You are not interviewing for Mr. Right--well, not on the first few dates. You don't have to sleep with all of them. Just allow them the glory of your fabulous company
Tue Nov 24 2009 - 03:39 pm
#13
I glad to hear that I am not the only one that has a difficult time with this dating thing. I live in a small area, as apposed to where I used to live. Twice in the past two weeks I have almost had both guys in the same place at the same time. I keep trying to venture out to new places but we always seem to end up in the same one. Then of course, there are the mutual friends. I have not had the nerve to ask if one knows the other because I am pretty sure they do.
And the other problem is, my best girlfriend has a boyfriend of several years who knows both guys, likes builder boy best for me but works with lawn mower man and always tells him what we are doing.
suggestions???
Tue Nov 24 2009 - 03:52 pm
#14
I know it is hard in an area where everybody knows everybody else, but as long as you are honest and above board it really isn't anybody's business. You are just dating. Keep your head up and don't feel guilty or be apologetic to anyone. You aren't doing anything wrong
Tue Nov 24 2009 - 07:08 pm
#15
Thanks Robin, I like the idea of a break already, lol!
And DWD, I am glad it does get better/easier, so will hang in there. It just feels weird to me. You are right about the not getting any younger issue!
Theta, you are so right, I am doing that thing where I think ahead of myself again. Just dating. OK, gottit!
And MStanek, I live in rural Scotland and have the same issue. I don't do any public hugging or kissing and won't until it is at the exclusive stage anyway. So if I am seen then I could be with a relative, friend or colleague for all they know.
Thanks everyone for helping me - I have so much to learn and a long way to go!
Thu Nov 26 2009 - 10:11 pm
#16
and POF! ;)
Fri Nov 27 2009 - 09:53 am
#17
Right D--when in doubt, go fishin'
Fri Dec 18 2009 - 11:49 am
#18
I struggle too, I find it so confusing and they are both great guys. eventually i just told both 'just friends!' to get space. really didn't know how to handle it lol. problem now is, no more real 'dates' either. no dinners, and the guys basicly just 'wait' and we hang out as just friends. which is fun in a way too. i go over to cowboy man's house and we watch a movie and i enjoy it.
I'm gonna have more me time in the meantime. i would like to go to australia, so i'm gonna start saving lol
Fri Dec 18 2009 - 06:00 pm
#19
Sounds like probably neither were "the one" anyway, otherwise you would have found yourself drawn to one more than the other.
Saving for a trip to Oz sounds a great idea - think that is a much more worthwhile investment, lol!
Still, perhaps after Christmas you can get back on the horse again (sorry for the bad analogy, considering your username!).
i think that ure into guy no 1. I like him as well if i had to choose but at the end of the day its how u feel and if u will be comfortable. Dating is suppose to be fun and if ure busy ure busy....dont compromise yourself