Signs of an emotionally unavailable man
Fri Nov 13 2009 - 09:44 pm
Ladies what are the signs and the red flags of an emotionally unavailable man?
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 08:35 am
Dear sp,
We use the term 'emotionally unavailable' quite flippantly and sometimes maybe also label a man ‘emotionally unavailable’ because he simply wasn't into us and, let's face it, it softens the blow :).
My ex accused me of being emotionally unavailable and though I did not believe him (and still don’t), I thought it would be a good idea to learn more about the phenomenon. So I read 'Emotional Unavailability : Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap' by Bryn Collins. I very much recommend you read the book
Emotional unavailability wears different hats and though it is easy to spot the most obvious signs, there are more subtle, yet just as damaging forms.
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 05:58 pm
When talking about the most classically emotionally unavailable individuals we are referring to what the psychologists describe as those with AVOIDANT attachment style (but this sure is not the only kind) and their common features are listed below:
1.Intense anger and loss
2.Hostile
3.Critical of others
4.Sensitive to blame
5.Lack of empathy
6.Views others as untrustworthy
7.Views others as undependable
8.Views self as unlovable or "too good" for others
9.Relationships feel either threatening to one's sense of control, not worth the effort, or both
10.Compulsive self-reliance
11.Passive withdrawal
12.Low levels of perceived support
13.Difficulty getting along with co-workers, often preferring to work alone
14.Work may provide a good excuse to avoid personal relations
15.Fear of closeness in relationships
16.Avoidance of intimacy
17.Unlikely to idealise the love relationship
18.Tendency toward introjective depression (self critical)
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 12:37 pm
.
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 12:30 pm
...myst, sounds like the classically defined "Total Package" version of A-hole to me! LOL!
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 12:33 pm
intothemystic
That is not specific enough terminology for me, I'm afraid. Nor very helpful. Also, I don't like to use inelegant language. So when you say 'a#!hole', I would say 'an individual with an adult attachment disorder' :). Potato, Potatah ;)
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 12:37 pm
Dud Spud; nay, Too good Tuber true!
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 02:13 pm
I always considered emotionally unavailable to simply mean not available TO ME for whatever reason.
In other words he could be a perfectly good guy, but just not into it. Might or might not be because of issues he has but the outcome is the same.
Did I misunderstand?
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 04:03 pm
Yes, that is how I perceived "emotionally unavailable" also theta.
wise, you just described a former bf (what piece of work!). Now at least I am armed with some good information. Thank you!
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 04:42 pm
Wise, I am just now reading "Emotional Unavailability"! It's really good.
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 05:55 pm
I think emotionally unavailable means simply that he is not available to give me emotional attention to me at this time. (ie. love, caring, listening, empathy, etc.)
A guy may be emotionally stable, but also still be in love with his ex. He's emotionally unavailable to me because his emotions are still tied up in her.
Or some guys really do have deep emotional problems. One that I have enountered a lot is anger issues. The only emotion they can show is anger. They have flash-tempers where they get really angry for a second and then it goes away (inappropriate displays of anger). These guys are not emotionally available, because they can't display happiness, joy, sadness, or any emotion other than anger.
I don't think that a guy not being into me makes him emotionally unavailable. His emotions are available, but for whatever reason, he doesn't feel it with me. He'll be available for someone else.
However, if a man is into me, but can't show it, or shows it inappropriately, or is super afraid of rejection so hides his feelings, or is so afraid of being vulnerable that he only displays anger, that makes him emotionally unavailable.
I'm still on the lookout for a stable, emotionally secure man. Any suggestions of where to look? :)
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