should I stay or should I go now.....???

Hi and welcome!

I'm anxious to see what the other ladies have to say, but here are a couple of things that struck me about your post.

One thing I notice is that it seems there is still love there; all the cons of your partnership that you described, being different people and resenting the differences, was just as true on the day you got married as it is today. So that alone isn't necessarily a sign that things are bad.

Sometimes when the sh@#! hits the fan, those little differences can feel enormous, suffocating and reason enough to leave and start over. And it can be that way for months and even years when accidents and misfortunes happen one after another...so it seems wise for you both to be in counseling. His going with you is a great thing, and 6 weeks actually isn't that long in "counseling time" so there's still a lot of growth that can be done there if you're both patient.

Do the best you can in counseling. Try to understand where he's coming from, especially with all the drama that's gone on in his life this past year. Try to make your individual life, including cheer, wine and friends, as rich as possible in the meantime...it will help take the edges off the bad times. And trust me, when you've done all you can and leaving is the only true and authentic option you have left, you will magically sense it, without any doubt, and will know what you have to do.

That's my 2 cents. I wish you the best in figuring out this part of your journey and welcome you to this awesome site. You will meet many great people here with loads of advice and experience!

Oh thank you Marmoty! Very sweet to help me :) I'm seriously at that point where I'm almost ready to be done. Just not sure if that is the right decision. I think I love him still? I'm just not positive. If you would have asked me that over a year ago I think I would have known for sure. Now, I question it. I come home and we barely talk. He watches TV and I talk on the phone or get on the computer. Our communication is very little. I feel uncomfortable coming home with wine. I do not get to the point where I am bad, but he has no tolerance for it. I feel all alone in my own home. Is that common among anyone else? He really doesn't want to make any real effort to be friends with mine and doesn't like my mother. My 12 year old is now showing the signs of the anger that her dad has and it scares me. I feel like I need to make a real decision. I am almost 40. Can life begin again? or do I suck it up and make it work somehow?

A comment my girlfriend made after many years of a toxic relationship..."you hurt me more than I loved you".

Girl, you've got quite the situation on your hands and I have a lot to say as usual. First of all, I will say that my parent's have been married for over thirty years. And when I was between the ages of 12-17 (around the time you have been married) I wished that my parent's would divorce, because it was going so badly.

Now, my parent's, both in their sixties, are happier than ever and best friends! I am so glad that the divorce never happened. But as a teenager I wished it would and was waiting for it.

I know all of the unmarried ladies here might find it hard to believe or may think that there life will be different. But marriage is one of the most challenging commitments any person can ever make in life. It takes a whole lot of compromise, maturity, and dedication. It's not like school, which takes those things too, where you dedicate yourself to achieving success, which is difficult and all women who have college degree's deserve pats on the back. But with marriage, you have another person involved, whom you have vowed to stick with through "sickness and health." Most people are too selfish for it, which is why most marriages fail.

I suggest that you send him to counseling. I also suggest that you talk to him about it. I read a book recently about men and dating that had a great chapter on communication, which is why I bought it. I can't remember the title. And I don't know where it is at this point. My own family has been in upheaval because we had a house fire. So finding things right now is a little difficult. But here is some good info on approaching men you want to communicate with:

#1 Pick a good time. Tell him what you think without drama. Sit next to him or beside him so that you are not facing each other in challenge. Tell him at the end, "I know I just said a lot right now. I don't expect you to have an answer for me right away. If you could get back to me by such and such time that would be greatly appreciated."

Give him a chance to work through his feelings. Give him a chance to define what he wants and needs. Consider the fact that you are 15 years into it with children. Trust that sometimes life gets hard and the men in our life do not always respond the way we want or expect. But to be honest it sounds like you have a pretty good marriage. I don't think you should give up on it. And my parent's are the perfect example of a couple that I felt wouldn't make it and did.

If he rejects counseling. Ask him why? Ask him what he sees as ways to improve himself or the marriage. If he is totally disengaged then you know that he is not in the marriage for you or the compromise it takes. Say good riddance.

But really I hope after 15 years you can work it out!

Good luck!

#2 Understand how men operate
In this book I learned that men don't like to respond right away, because they need to "mull over" things. Due to society and the way men have been expected to be leaders and have all the answers at one time, giving a guy time to "mull it over," is a complete benefit to you and takes the pressure of the conversation and situation that you are in. If he loves you enough, he will be willing to give you an answer that suits your needs.

#3 Tell him what you think about his particular situation and experience in life
He is the son of an alcoholic. It had obviously affected him. There are support groups out there for children of alcoholics. If he is not interested, ask him to at least consider the idea of counseling.

#4 If he is not interested in counseling. Ask him what he thinks he needs to make the relationship work. This will not only catch him off guard, but it will cause him to think about what he wants/is looking for and whether he believes you fit that criteria.

If you don't fit the criteria, don't be offended. A man who has issues because of the alcoholism in his family, and is not willing to work through those issues, is not really worth your time and energy.

Most likely, as I was raised by an alcoholic father too, I guess that he is great on co-dependency. And does not know how to operate outside of it.