should i run?
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 05:11 am
tell me if i should run? on thursday i went out with the bf. the thing is he told me that he will be leaving work 2pm. i told him that i will be leaving work at 12pm and i have some stuff to do and by that time he could pick me up and we can go out. i told him to call me when he was leaving which is 2pm. it was 2:10pm and he didnt call so i did. i ask him if he left work. he said no and he reconfirm that he will call me. quarter to three he calls and soon after he picks me up...im steaming mad bc he could have at least call. anyway...while hanging out he slip and told me that he was having an interesting conversation. my response was "oh u were having an interesting conversation while i was waiting on u for 45mins?" he realise his mistake and try to cover it up by saying he didnt want to leave work early. he felt bad about that. so therefore i caught him in his lie.
i decided to tell him how i feel and the manner he make dates. if he calls me today he wants to make plans last minute and see me that same day...i told him about it and said it made me feel like an option. he said everything was an option. if he calls me and realise that i am not available..he calls one of his friends and if he is not available he will call another pal.
i think this is a red flag in our conversation...my guy wants a bj and when i approach him about sex. he said that he felt that if we had sex things could become brutal like in the past and i would get too close in an obsessive manner. at that time in the past i was clingy and needy and emotional about everything. i told him that i understand his feelings but it wasnt fair for one person to be sexually satisfy and the other person to be deprived. he did agree about that. i also told him i felt as if i was in a friends with benefit relationship. he didnt say much on that. he said if i wanted to give him a bj that was for me to decide so i said no and that it was not fair. he agree on what i was saying. he said well at least u know that i am not using u for sex and if it was another guy he wouldnt mind having sex. (i think that was a response to the friends with benefit response) to end it off i told him that at the end of the day we have to respect each other feelings and thoughts. he agree with me on that.
i believe he is immature and dont know how to handle a relationship.
ladies what are your thoughts and what u think i should do? how to handle this situation?
PS every time he sees me he asks me when i am buying a car when he already knows that i want to buy my own home. whats up with that? he has his own car. is he an opportunist?
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 09:03 am
#2
thanks coffee
I was thinking about that same advice that u gave me before i read what u had to say and i think that is good advice.
yes i had a relationship with him in the past where i was clingy and needy with loads of sex....hmmmm i now see the pattern....
i will give him his space and time and start dating myself...
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 05:29 pm
#3
sp...the feeling I get from reading your post is that you definitely need to repave the driveway with new boundaries. I am guessing he asked when will you have a car since you are relying on him for rides?? Is there another way you could get to and from work while you are trying to get your home? Show him your independence and stick to your boundaries...I bet he will become a different person with you.
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 07:39 pm
#4
I like that u said that i need to set up boundaries and i would take deep consideration into that matter. However i do not depend on him for rides. the only time i ever enter his car is when he is taking me out..unless he feels guilty that he is working in the same area as me just last week and feel that i would cramp his style and make him feel obligated for a ride to and from work.
once again i like the setting boundaries because that day when i called him at 2:10pm and the response that i had gotten i should have left immediately for home and not wait another second. the next time things are not to my liking i will simply take action and let him be responsible for the rest of things. action speak louder than words.
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 09:13 pm
#5
He is telling you as clearly as anything that he does not want to feel responsible for you (or anyone) he is barely responsible for himself...I have learned on this site that men do not want women that are needy and I know that is an "ouch" word (been there) and what they look for in a woman is a feeling of independence and knowing that you have a full life outside of him...Make that a must in your life and you will come across as much more attractive to a man. :) Please don't take this the wrong way, it is meant to help you. Do you have the DWD book?
Sun Nov 15 2009 - 02:18 pm
#6
oh little darling i am not offended...any amount of advice that i can get will benefit me and i appreciate all that u have said to me.
very soon i will be purchasing DWD.
i totally agree with what u say but i couldnt believe that u actually grasp that he is barely responsible for himself which is quite true. lol
Sun Nov 15 2009 - 09:17 pm
#7
why couldn't you believe that!? lol
Mon Nov 16 2009 - 06:02 am
#8
i didnt realise his lack of responsibility was showing through the situation that i encountered with him. lol
Mon Nov 16 2009 - 06:48 pm
#9
SP....I know exactly where this man is coming from b/c I was that girl he don't want you to be!
I was needy and clingy and especially after sex which I initiated and wanted ALL OF THE TIME...I wanted all of him and he just wasn't ready for a real relationship...and since I was, he felt pressure and eventually backed off and took it as me being needy!
Some men would rather watch porn or get another one night stand than to have sex with a woman that cares about them when they are not ready for that! Less stress for them!
We are not together now and I know some of it was my fault but in the end...he just wasn't on the same page as me!
If I was you (which I was you)...do it now rather than later...BACK OFF and allow him to come to you wanting a real rel...stop bringing up sex and anything else! If you want to hang out with him just as friends...do that and go home...no lingering, staying the night or anything like that. Allow him to see that you have control and respect yourself enough NOT to give him a bj even if he did the "same" for you!
I cannot express this enough..I wish I knew about this sight a year ago...MAYBE..JUST MAYBE things would have turned out differently...but even if we still would have broken up...at LEAST he would have respected me unlike he does now!
Mon Nov 16 2009 - 08:21 pm
#10
hi itspossible ...u do get me...u sure as hell understand my situation and u hit the nail on its head. Before I read your post I made a list of rules that I will follow from now on when it comes down to him...here is my list:
1. Always be busy. Have something to do. Have alot of interesting plans.
2. Acknowledge my feelings and moods and stop compromising them for him. An example, if he wants me to meet him on Friday and I dont feel like seeing him but I want to see my friend Mary....hell I will see Mary and not put my feelings, moods and thoughts aside for him.
3. I will stick to my choice and decisions since he does not know the word compromise.
4. Ask for what I want. I will not drop hints.
5.I would not force any rules, demands or expectations on him
6. I would not attempt to change him but rather change myself.
7. I would not criticise and complain but try to be understanding.
8. Give him space and distance in everything.
9. Always remind myself that I am a separate entity from him.
10. DOnt give my opinions and thoughts unless he ask for it. Just ask questions to find out more.
what do u think about my rules?
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 05:58 pm
#11
SP...they sound great...but with all of your "rules" just be yourself...the RIGHT man won't need all of thes rules...b/c he will be so into you that you don't have to wait to give an opinion, etc..he will welcome whatever is on your mind!
I would just lay low and not be fake...if he calls in enough time to take you out...and you are available....GO and have fun...but stop the sex and last minute stuff!
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 07:17 pm
#12
thanks for your thoughts and advice
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 04:30 pm
#13
SP, sounds like you are on the right track. And I agree with itspossible. Don't be fake, have fun with him (only fun not sex/bj) and see where it goes. Take care of yourself first and rules are good, but sometimes you can break them. (Just not all of them at once all the time.)
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 06:29 pm
#14
From all the advice given I can clearly say that he is not interested in a relationship but only in dating...IF he knows how to date that is...However based on what everyone said on this thread I decided to back off from him and give him his space.
Besides I have plans to take this Friday to myself, pamper and catch up on some reading. I know that he will call On Friday to make plans but I just dont feel like talking to him right now(is that ok?) and next week Friday I have a project to present. From now till Next week Friday I am booked. Now I want to see if I am invisible to him for the next couple of days. I am not putting any energy and efforts on his communication..call, text, email.
I have put my interest at the back burner far too long... I have decided to reactivate my love for yoga and decided to build a better practice, do alot more reading, exercising, get serious with my weight loss program, look at different classes for the new year, spend time with friends and have some alone time to myself.
My questions to you is "Does the good times outweigh the bad?" "Can you see the relationship moving forward (and do you want it too?)"
He seems like he might need to grow up but the whole no sex is weird. I never met a guy who wasn't willing to have sex. And him saying "things could become brutal" confused me. Did you have a relationship with him in the past where you were clingy and needy with loads of sex?
Honestly, it doesn't sound good. It sounds like you are an option, maybe his first option but still an option. If you want to keep seeing him, you could but my advice is not to wait around for him to make plans. Make plans with your friends and coworkers, join a gym, get a hobby and when he makes a date, take it only if you are free. (Okay, that's in Paige's book, but it's great advice!)
Good luck!