Sex and attraction
Mon Nov 02 2009 - 06:26 am
So I've had a boyfriend now for 2 months. He is a total gentleman, and treats me like a queen. He cares for me deeply and is totally in love with me (as he tells me and shows me all the time.) I'm really lucky to have found a guy like this.
The problem we have is with sex.
My main issue is a wavering attraction for him on my part. As in, sometimes I find him attractive and other times I kind of don't. I don't find him UN-attractive in the least, but I don't have that visceral gut-level attraction where I'm wanting to pull his clothes off like they always say you should have at the beginning of a relationship.
He always has to initiate sex because it's just not on my mind with him all that much. He's a good-looking guy, but I really value being fit and in shape, and he is somewhat overweight. He's not huge by any means, but he does have a sizable gut that hangs over his pants. I'm a very petite girl, and his gut kind of gets in the way when we're doing it and kind of turns me off. It's impossible for him to lay on top of me because he totally smooshes me!
He's mentioned several times that he needs to get in shape, but he doesn't take any steps toward it. He has a job where he sits at a desk all day, and his hobby is writing (again, seated.) He drinks soda all day which just piles on extra sugar and calories right in his belly. He also has a bum knee so he isn't very active in general. It totally affects his energy level and he's pretty sedentary altogether. He doesn't have many friends so if we're not hanging out on a night, he's at home on the couch watching movies. He is going to be 36 soon, so he's 7 years older than me, but I would say he seems more like a 44 year old guy than a 36 year old guy in terms of energy.
It makes sex not-so-exciting because his energy level is generally low and he doesn't really seem to have much passion. It's like, kiss for 5 seconds and then he has to rest. Kiss for 5 seconds, stop again. There's no momentum to get me excited enough to have sex. There's no "making out." This morning, I had to make him kiss me with some passion behind it. It's quite frustrating.
Today, we had a talk about it. He said that he thinks I don't find him attractive (he must have picked up on how I'm feeling.) He said he doesn't feel like he pleases me sexually. I told him about my issues with the start-stop thing and he says he does that so he doesn't ejaculate right away. I said, you ejaculate from kissing? He basically doesn't have a whole lot of staying power, so he says. He has to start and stop so as not to get too excited. I said, well, I can't get going enough if you do that, you can at least kiss me for more than 5 seconds. We made a little progress when we messed around today, but we didn't actually have sex.
He also said that because I am so small and tight down there, he is afraid of hurting me, which makes him more timid and less passionate. I told him, because he's so timid and doesn't seem to want to put much effort in, it makes me unable to get sufficiently aroused and so that's why sex is sore and uncomfortable when we do it.
It's like a Catch-22.
I also have issues with dryness from taking the birth control pill, and it takes a lot of work to get me rearing to go for sex. I have tried every brand of pill and finally found one where the side effects aren't too terrible, but there's still some dryness. It frustrates him because he thinks I'm not attracted because I'm not as aroused as I need to get, but a lot of it is from the Pill. So we have to use artifical lube and it kills the mood a little bit.
My question is: how essential is that gut-level attraction thing to a lasting relationship? Does it need to be there from the start, or can it develop over time? I've had unbelievable chemistry with guys before, who ended up being total jerks, liars, and nutcases. And this guy treats me like gold but the physical attraction is iffy. I keep wondering, well, if he lost weight, the attraction would probably grow. I'm pretty positive that if he were in shape I would be much more up for having sex (I'm a pretty visual person.) But how do you spring something like that on someone? That's not a nice request to make. But at the same time I don't want to hide my feelings and then ultimately lose him because I don't have much desire to have sex when he's the size he is now.
Am I being shallow? Should I be brutally honest with him next time he asks? Or should I spare his feelings and hope that my attraction to him grows as we get more comfortable with sex?
Mon Nov 02 2009 - 10:42 am
Hey Tinydancer
I sympathize - on both issues as it goes!
Okay, firstly one of the 'practical' issues. With regards to avoiding the mood killer thing, one of my 'tricks' is to sneak to the bathroom to apply the necessary stuff to the nececssary places - and emerge wearing nice underwear (secrect 'stash' of it hidden there) so it looks as if the purpose for the sneaking off was to change into nice underwear :-) Perhaps you could try something similar - even just briefly nipping to the bathroom with a quick 'be right back' might do it.
WRT the second issue, for me personally as long as there is a decent amount of sexual attraction I don't believe that the rip-his-clothes- off passion is necessary. However, I can see where you're coming from regarding the oversize belly etc. as this IS a massive turn off. My ex-husband was like that and it actually reached a point where I found him physically repulsive (one of the many factors in us splitting up), so I don't think you are necessarily being 'shallow' on this issue. I can see that you're kind and thoughtful and don't want to hurt his feelings, but on the other hand you can't force yourself to see a fat belly etc. as attractive, and perhaps saying something very tactfully at the beginning might prevent more hurt/arguments later on.
Could you suggest taking up a form of exercise - be it walking/swimming/going to the gym/playing badminton or whatever - that you guys could do together? This would not only be a good way of spending time together but it would also be a more tactful means of bringing up the excercise issue rather than seeming as if you're nagging him to go to the gym. In addition, perhaps you could persuade him to switch to diet soda.
I'm sure some of the other ladies have some better ideas, but I hope this helps a bit. Keep us posted x
Mon Nov 02 2009 - 03:27 pm
I don't think you should be brutally honest, the operative word being brutal.
Approach it from the health angle. There is plenty of good-quality evidence to suggest that abdominal fat is associated with increased risk for cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes etc. Say that you are worried about his health and suggest an activity together that is good at raising the fitness level and would not further hurt his knee. Swimming is perfect for people with joint problems. Also, make good suggestions with regard to the diet. You would be surprised how quickly he would lose weight just by dropping the soda!
So if you emphasise the health and fitness issue, rather than the attractiveness issue, you may get somewhere and you won't hopefully make him feel insecure and unsexy.
good luck!
Mon Nov 02 2009 - 04:43 pm
I have made suggestions to him about the soda. I bet he would drop 20 pounds if he stopped drinking it. I gave up soda many years ago and am better for it!
He said (on his own, without my mentioning it) that he wants to stop drinking it, because his dad developed diabetes. He did cut down on it for a few days, and then went right back up to drinking 3 cans a day again. He's a 36 year old man and sort of locked in his ways.
Another problem is he snores extremely loudly in his sleep. We can't sleep in the same room. He says he doesn't know how to stop it, but that his dad (who has a huge belly) had sleep apnea, but lost weight and it went away. I casually told him that belly fat is linked to snoring and sleep apnea (which it is), and once one loses belly fat, the snoring/sleep apnea tends to lessen considerably. He says he doesn't think that applies to him (??) So it applies to his dad, but not to him. Makes no sense, right. I think he's in a bit of denial.
I do want to suggest exercise. I'm trying to find a way to do that. We live about 45 minutes apart and he works very long hours starting early in the morning. I don't know how to suggest that we start exercising together...maybe ask him to be my exercise buddy when I see him on the weekends? Like tell him I want to get stronger and so will he exercise with me on weekend mornings so I will have motivation to keep doing it?
What do you guys think??
Mon Nov 02 2009 - 04:49 pm
Also, smiler, that is a great idea about sneaking off to the bathroom beforehand and preparing there. Thanks!!
Mon Nov 02 2009 - 04:55 pm
Of course his snoring is linked to his obesity. It is so lame when people just deny the obvious. And he is very likely to develop type 2 diabetes if he continues this way. Has he been to his doctor recently to check his blood presure and cholesterol levels?
Starting exercising together is a great idea. Also pay attention to your diet when you are together. Don't nag him, but maybe you can at least revisit this 3 can soda habit. I wish you luck, be patient, he has to want to do it himself, unfortunately there is no way you can make him.
Mon Nov 02 2009 - 05:20 pm
Tiny:
I hate to be the bad guy here, but I don't know why you are with this guy and already trying to force a sexual attraction to him that you don't really feel. I've been in the same place with a guy who wasn't in shape (and lacked hygiene in certain ways) but was extremely nice to me, and he eventually picked up on my lack of interest and started seeing another woman behind my back. Of course by then I missed him and then started thinking I really did love him, especially after he did finally get in shape but then it was too late.
What was my point? Oh yeah, the fact that you are sleeping with this guy you really aren't that in to. Why not date other people and not sleep with him at all? The only thing that is going to make this guy lose weight is the threat of losing YOU..maybe. In the meantime, even if he doesn't lose weight, you might meet somebody who really turns you on. The weight/diabetes thing is really frightening. Imagine him at age 56--do you really want to be tied to him for life? Think about it.
I think your lifestyles and values are too different. Maybe you should hang out with people who are active outdoor healthy types and quit trying to fit a square peg (!) into a round hole LOL.
Good luck!
Jan
Tue Nov 03 2009 - 02:50 am
So I asked him if he would be my workout buddy, and he actually said, "no." And that he would be "uncomfortable with it." He said that he has to work out on his own, because he gets really sweaty and he's self-conscious about it. I said, "Well, what about going for a walk or a hike or something on the weekends rather than sitting in front of the TV all day?" So he agreed to go hiking with me sometimes.
So much for the exercise to curb the beer belly idea.
Then he was kind of upset because he thought I was mad at him.
This is a thing that is another turn off for me. He has all these "picadillos." For instance, I asked him if he would like to go to Fright Fest at Six Flags with me a month and a half ago. He says yes. Fast forward to an hour before we leave for the park: "I don't like rollercoasters. I get vertigo." WHAT?? Why did you say, yes, I'd love to go to Six Flags? "I didn't think the roller coasters would be on this time of year." Hello...we're in California...the park doesn't close down. So I was kind of upset that he waited until right before we were about to leave to tell me he didn't like theme parks. So we ended up going and then left early...I wasted a whole free ticket on him.
Then I asked him if he would like to go to this costume party I got invited to for Halloween. He says yes, and we even spend a day costume shopping for him. Then fast forward to the day of the party: "I don't like costumes. I don't like dressing up and going to costume parties." WHAT? I ask him why he says, "I don't like being not myself." I said, the whole point of Halloween is to not be yourself. That's why it's fun. So he didn't dress up, and then wasn't very social at the party (he is usually not social at all...he stands back and observes the party but does not participate.)
Then today he wouldn't be my workout buddy because he "sweats" too much. He told me that he works out intensely by himself 5 days a week. He does? I sure haven't seen the results of this. He must eat like a pig at work, drinking a gallon of soda every day to counteract working out so furiously five days a week. He says he doesn't want to exercise on the weekends because those are his "days off."
I'm starting to think that maybe we're not a good match. I don't know though, because we have so much in common. We both do sketch comedy (he writes, I perform), we have the same values, politcal views, we are both from the same part of the country. It is VERY hard to find a good man, anyone will tell you that. He is a good man. He values family and commitment, and cares for me very much. I did the math and over the past year I have been on 100 dates. I have not found ANYONE who comes close to him as far as treating me well, caring for me, and having things in common. 99% of guys I've gone out with have been selfish, liars, jerks, only after sex, or clearly gay and trying to hide it.
However, I don't like his low energy level (he is always falling asleep by 10pm every night, but often with our work schedules we can't see each other until then), all of these particulars that he keeps throwing out of why he can't do this or that, the denial he's in over his weight and how it affects my attraction to him, his awkwardness and lack of particpation in public, and his lack of friends.
I also don't like how he keeps kind of asking me if we're going to have sex. We made plans to see a movie tomorrow night, and he asks me, "Are we going to make out?" What, are we 12? I think that's code for, "Are we going to have sex afterwards?" Like he wants to ensure going to the movie will be worth it and guarantee we'll have sex afterwards. Now I really don't want to have sex with him afterwards. I asked him to stop asking me and just do it. If he wants to make out or have sex, just do it. Stop asking me ahead of time to give you some kind of a guarantee. Pressure sucks all of the sexual drive out of me.
I'm sorry, ladies, I don't mean to rant. I'm just upset and it's late and I can't call anyone. And I need unbiased opinions. I don't want to make any rash decisions. It is very hard (especially in LA) to find a man who will treat you well, and I don't want to let this one go until I am 100% sure that it is not worth salvaging.
Any advice help is appreciated. Thank you.
Tue Nov 03 2009 - 05:06 am
You know the answer to your question: you cannot unfortunately be with somebody just because it is hard to find a man who treats you well. ESPECIALLY, if you have been on 100 dates! You didn't go through all this to settle with a man who isn't your match, not sexually, not socially, not life-style wise; he is clearly getting on your nerves big time, your frustration is palpable through the screen. Yes, there are a lot of positives about this liaison but one thing is missing: YOU ARE NOT THAT INTO HIM.
I have been to over 50 dates so far and have found quite a few men who I sort of like and who are crazy about me and do everything right and treat me like a queen, but I am just not that into them. And sometimes I am thinking: what am I, a Goldilocks? :). But it IS better to be on my own than with someone that isn’t JUUST RIGHT.
Have faith in yourself. Have faith that you will find someone you love and who loves you and with whom you will have an authentic relationship that you truly deserve.
Tue Nov 03 2009 - 09:28 am
I am with Wise on this. It's better to be alone than with someone who you are not that into. There are men out there that will treat you good. He is not the only one. Men treat you like you allow them to treat you. Treat yourself well and they usually follow your example. If they don't, well it's next!
My last now ex would spend a lot of time in his recliner watching tv. Sundays would be an all day event with sports. That's all fine and well, but I like to do things, go places, a walk, have lunch, or meet somewhere in the afternoon outdoors for cocktails. He was so set in his ways that this was not an option for him. In hindsight, I could not have spent a lifetime with someone like that. The sex part was great, but that too was on a time schedule and never spontaneous. What fun is that.
My point is, he seems rigid and set in his ways. Get out now before your resentment really starts to build. There are other men out there but if you have an attitude that there is not, well then you won't find them. You create your own life with your own thoughts and I am living proof of that.
Tue Nov 03 2009 - 01:51 pm
Tiny Dancer, the things you have in common are circumstantial. The chemistry you lack usually comes when people have a good internal connection. Wow, she thinks my job is exciting! Wow, he thinks the way I snort when I laugh is sexy! The initial sexual attraction gets you in the sack, but the internal connections keep you there.
So inasmuch as these things are missing from your relationship, you will be unattracted to him. I honestly think, gut and soda aside, if he'd gone to Six Flags and that party with you, you'd be more into him and more willing to look past his faults.
It just doesn't seem like a good match. He's already communicating that the things you like "just aren't him". And you're communicating even more clearly that this isn't clicking for you.
That's ok. You are perfectly natural for wanting to "want" someone. And you have every right to keep looking until you've found just what you want!
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