Hey Tinydancer

I sympathize - on both issues as it goes!

Okay, firstly one of the 'practical' issues. With regards to avoiding the mood killer thing, one of my 'tricks' is to sneak to the bathroom to apply the necessary stuff to the nececssary places - and emerge wearing nice underwear (secrect 'stash' of it hidden there) so it looks as if the purpose for the sneaking off was to change into nice underwear :-) Perhaps you could try something similar - even just briefly nipping to the bathroom with a quick 'be right back' might do it.

WRT the second issue, for me personally as long as there is a decent amount of sexual attraction I don't believe that the rip-his-clothes- off passion is necessary. However, I can see where you're coming from regarding the oversize belly etc. as this IS a massive turn off. My ex-husband was like that and it actually reached a point where I found him physically repulsive (one of the many factors in us splitting up), so I don't think you are necessarily being 'shallow' on this issue. I can see that you're kind and thoughtful and don't want to hurt his feelings, but on the other hand you can't force yourself to see a fat belly etc. as attractive, and perhaps saying something very tactfully at the beginning might prevent more hurt/arguments later on.

Could you suggest taking up a form of exercise - be it walking/swimming/going to the gym/playing badminton or whatever - that you guys could do together? This would not only be a good way of spending time together but it would also be a more tactful means of bringing up the excercise issue rather than seeming as if you're nagging him to go to the gym. In addition, perhaps you could persuade him to switch to diet soda.

I'm sure some of the other ladies have some better ideas, but I hope this helps a bit. Keep us posted x

I don't think you should be brutally honest, the operative word being brutal.

Approach it from the health angle. There is plenty of good-quality evidence to suggest that abdominal fat is associated with increased risk for cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes etc. Say that you are worried about his health and suggest an activity together that is good at raising the fitness level and would not further hurt his knee. Swimming is perfect for people with joint problems. Also, make good suggestions with regard to the diet. You would be surprised how quickly he would lose weight just by dropping the soda!

So if you emphasise the health and fitness issue, rather than the attractiveness issue, you may get somewhere and you won't hopefully make him feel insecure and unsexy.

good luck!

I have made suggestions to him about the soda. I bet he would drop 20 pounds if he stopped drinking it. I gave up soda many years ago and am better for it!

He said (on his own, without my mentioning it) that he wants to stop drinking it, because his dad developed diabetes. He did cut down on it for a few days, and then went right back up to drinking 3 cans a day again. He's a 36 year old man and sort of locked in his ways.

Another problem is he snores extremely loudly in his sleep. We can't sleep in the same room. He says he doesn't know how to stop it, but that his dad (who has a huge belly) had sleep apnea, but lost weight and it went away. I casually told him that belly fat is linked to snoring and sleep apnea (which it is), and once one loses belly fat, the snoring/sleep apnea tends to lessen considerably. He says he doesn't think that applies to him (??) So it applies to his dad, but not to him. Makes no sense, right. I think he's in a bit of denial.

I do want to suggest exercise. I'm trying to find a way to do that. We live about 45 minutes apart and he works very long hours starting early in the morning. I don't know how to suggest that we start exercising together...maybe ask him to be my exercise buddy when I see him on the weekends? Like tell him I want to get stronger and so will he exercise with me on weekend mornings so I will have motivation to keep doing it?

What do you guys think??

Also, smiler, that is a great idea about sneaking off to the bathroom beforehand and preparing there. Thanks!!

Of course his snoring is linked to his obesity. It is so lame when people just deny the obvious. And he is very likely to develop type 2 diabetes if he continues this way. Has he been to his doctor recently to check his blood presure and cholesterol levels?

Starting exercising together is a great idea. Also pay attention to your diet when you are together. Don't nag him, but maybe you can at least revisit this 3 can soda habit. I wish you luck, be patient, he has to want to do it himself, unfortunately there is no way you can make him.

Tiny:
I hate to be the bad guy here, but I don't know why you are with this guy and already trying to force a sexual attraction to him that you don't really feel. I've been in the same place with a guy who wasn't in shape (and lacked hygiene in certain ways) but was extremely nice to me, and he eventually picked up on my lack of interest and started seeing another woman behind my back. Of course by then I missed him and then started thinking I really did love him, especially after he did finally get in shape but then it was too late.

What was my point? Oh yeah, the fact that you are sleeping with this guy you really aren't that in to. Why not date other people and not sleep with him at all? The only thing that is going to make this guy lose weight is the threat of losing YOU..maybe. In the meantime, even if he doesn't lose weight, you might meet somebody who really turns you on. The weight/diabetes thing is really frightening. Imagine him at age 56--do you really want to be tied to him for life? Think about it.

I think your lifestyles and values are too different. Maybe you should hang out with people who are active outdoor healthy types and quit trying to fit a square peg (!) into a round hole LOL.

Good luck!
Jan

So I asked him if he would be my workout buddy, and he actually said, "no." And that he would be "uncomfortable with it." He said that he has to work out on his own, because he gets really sweaty and he's self-conscious about it. I said, "Well, what about going for a walk or a hike or something on the weekends rather than sitting in front of the TV all day?" So he agreed to go hiking with me sometimes.

So much for the exercise to curb the beer belly idea.

Then he was kind of upset because he thought I was mad at him.

This is a thing that is another turn off for me. He has all these "picadillos." For instance, I asked him if he would like to go to Fright Fest at Six Flags with me a month and a half ago. He says yes. Fast forward to an hour before we leave for the park: "I don't like rollercoasters. I get vertigo." WHAT?? Why did you say, yes, I'd love to go to Six Flags? "I didn't think the roller coasters would be on this time of year." Hello...we're in California...the park doesn't close down. So I was kind of upset that he waited until right before we were about to leave to tell me he didn't like theme parks. So we ended up going and then left early...I wasted a whole free ticket on him.

Then I asked him if he would like to go to this costume party I got invited to for Halloween. He says yes, and we even spend a day costume shopping for him. Then fast forward to the day of the party: "I don't like costumes. I don't like dressing up and going to costume parties." WHAT? I ask him why he says, "I don't like being not myself." I said, the whole point of Halloween is to not be yourself. That's why it's fun. So he didn't dress up, and then wasn't very social at the party (he is usually not social at all...he stands back and observes the party but does not participate.)

Then today he wouldn't be my workout buddy because he "sweats" too much. He told me that he works out intensely by himself 5 days a week. He does? I sure haven't seen the results of this. He must eat like a pig at work, drinking a gallon of soda every day to counteract working out so furiously five days a week. He says he doesn't want to exercise on the weekends because those are his "days off."

I'm starting to think that maybe we're not a good match. I don't know though, because we have so much in common. We both do sketch comedy (he writes, I perform), we have the same values, politcal views, we are both from the same part of the country. It is VERY hard to find a good man, anyone will tell you that. He is a good man. He values family and commitment, and cares for me very much. I did the math and over the past year I have been on 100 dates. I have not found ANYONE who comes close to him as far as treating me well, caring for me, and having things in common. 99% of guys I've gone out with have been selfish, liars, jerks, only after sex, or clearly gay and trying to hide it.

However, I don't like his low energy level (he is always falling asleep by 10pm every night, but often with our work schedules we can't see each other until then), all of these particulars that he keeps throwing out of why he can't do this or that, the denial he's in over his weight and how it affects my attraction to him, his awkwardness and lack of particpation in public, and his lack of friends.

I also don't like how he keeps kind of asking me if we're going to have sex. We made plans to see a movie tomorrow night, and he asks me, "Are we going to make out?" What, are we 12? I think that's code for, "Are we going to have sex afterwards?" Like he wants to ensure going to the movie will be worth it and guarantee we'll have sex afterwards. Now I really don't want to have sex with him afterwards. I asked him to stop asking me and just do it. If he wants to make out or have sex, just do it. Stop asking me ahead of time to give you some kind of a guarantee. Pressure sucks all of the sexual drive out of me.

I'm sorry, ladies, I don't mean to rant. I'm just upset and it's late and I can't call anyone. And I need unbiased opinions. I don't want to make any rash decisions. It is very hard (especially in LA) to find a man who will treat you well, and I don't want to let this one go until I am 100% sure that it is not worth salvaging.

Any advice help is appreciated. Thank you.

You know the answer to your question: you cannot unfortunately be with somebody just because it is hard to find a man who treats you well. ESPECIALLY, if you have been on 100 dates! You didn't go through all this to settle with a man who isn't your match, not sexually, not socially, not life-style wise; he is clearly getting on your nerves big time, your frustration is palpable through the screen. Yes, there are a lot of positives about this liaison but one thing is missing: YOU ARE NOT THAT INTO HIM.

I have been to over 50 dates so far and have found quite a few men who I sort of like and who are crazy about me and do everything right and treat me like a queen, but I am just not that into them. And sometimes I am thinking: what am I, a Goldilocks? :). But it IS better to be on my own than with someone that isn’t JUUST RIGHT.

Have faith in yourself. Have faith that you will find someone you love and who loves you and with whom you will have an authentic relationship that you truly deserve.

I am with Wise on this. It's better to be alone than with someone who you are not that into. There are men out there that will treat you good. He is not the only one. Men treat you like you allow them to treat you. Treat yourself well and they usually follow your example. If they don't, well it's next!

My last now ex would spend a lot of time in his recliner watching tv. Sundays would be an all day event with sports. That's all fine and well, but I like to do things, go places, a walk, have lunch, or meet somewhere in the afternoon outdoors for cocktails. He was so set in his ways that this was not an option for him. In hindsight, I could not have spent a lifetime with someone like that. The sex part was great, but that too was on a time schedule and never spontaneous. What fun is that.

My point is, he seems rigid and set in his ways. Get out now before your resentment really starts to build. There are other men out there but if you have an attitude that there is not, well then you won't find them. You create your own life with your own thoughts and I am living proof of that.

Tiny Dancer, the things you have in common are circumstantial. The chemistry you lack usually comes when people have a good internal connection. Wow, she thinks my job is exciting! Wow, he thinks the way I snort when I laugh is sexy! The initial sexual attraction gets you in the sack, but the internal connections keep you there.

So inasmuch as these things are missing from your relationship, you will be unattracted to him. I honestly think, gut and soda aside, if he'd gone to Six Flags and that party with you, you'd be more into him and more willing to look past his faults.

It just doesn't seem like a good match. He's already communicating that the things you like "just aren't him". And you're communicating even more clearly that this isn't clicking for you.

That's ok. You are perfectly natural for wanting to "want" someone. And you have every right to keep looking until you've found just what you want!

I agree with what marmoty, robin and wise have said.

If I were in your situation, TD, what would have irritated me personally was not so much the fact that he doesn't like the stuff you do but the fact he appears to be lacking in assertiveness/the ability to be forthright. For example as you say, if he doesn't like rollercoasters then why on earth did he not say so in the first place and suggest an alternative place to go instead of dropping that in right at the last minute?!

He does sound overall like quite a nice guy, but my gut feeling is that you're not really 'into him'; maybe you could ease things off a bit and see each other as friends?

Robin, Wise, Marmoty, Smiler...they know what they're talking about!! As my mother used to say (ah--wish I'd listened to her!!).."Don't sell yourself short!" This guy is OK as a friend but don't waste your beautiful self on someone who's going to limit your life and your potential.

I notice you are in your 20s--my daughter is too. She is a beauty but is settling for some old ordinary guy she's not sure about because she thinks she can't do any better, so it hurts to think that you also don't expect much for yourself at such a young age.

Keep a positive outlook--I just read something that says there are more single men than ever in the history of the world. Next time though, keep the "cookies" on the top shelf until you find somebody who deserves physical intimacy from you, and get to know them first. This guy just sounds like such a disappointment--no fun, etc--AND having sex with someone you're not even attracted to because you think nobody better will come along? Ugh. Just ugh.

You can do better. Keep a smile on your face and start looking with a new attitude!!

Hugs!
Jan

Hi agree with the girls Tiny Dancer.

Don't settle for second best. I actually believe that sexual chemistry is really important part of the relationship. Your BF sounds just like my x husband. He put on so much weight (over 4 stone) and I couldn't even bare to think of sex with him. We are divorced now.

I hope one day to have a boyfriend where I can have a great sex life and share things with. A relationship with OK sex is only a partial relationship (although there are women will say otherwise) for me sexual chemistry is as important as communication, trust and commitment.

It is one of the ingredients to a perfect relationship and a better you.

Daisey Belle

Thanks, ladies. We had plans so we went to a movie, and he kept all holding my hand and biting my ear and all this stuff, and I kept subconsciously shrugging him off. He picked up on it and eventually curbed it, and then I felt bad.

It makes me sad because he really is a good man. I guess I just don't have a strong pull to be physical with him. I did feel chemistry during our first couple of weeks of dating, so I'm wondering, where did it go? I think I felt chemistry with this guy who seemed totally together, and really easy-going and carefree, (first few date nerves probably made me more excited too), but as I have mentioned earlier, this guy is not the carefree guy he made himself out to be. He's fairly rigid and set in his ways.

I think I realized tonight what it really comes down to. You know how people say there's your actual chronological age, and then your "real age?" Like your real age based on heredity, health, energy, diet, physical activity, etc.? I'm 29, but my "real age" is probably more like 24 in terms of activity, energy level, etc.

To me, my guy's real age is probably about 45, even though he is only 36. He seems about 10 years older than he actually is. So that's over a 20 year difference in "real age." His energy level, mannerisms, health, way he talks, walks, and carries himself is a lot more reminisicent of a middle-aged man than a man in his 30s. At first, his "older" wiser essence appealed to me, especially after dating so many douchebags in their 20s.

But then it became something akin to that feeling you have when you realize that your dad is getting old and can't do all the things that he used to do. I got that sad feeling when I discovered that he doesn't like things like theme parks, isn't physically active, won't exercise with me, doesn't like dressing up for Halloween, won't socialize at parties, really has no friends, walks with a limp because of his bum knee he won't fix, and can't dance because of the bad knee either. He has a sense of humor for sure, but it's more of a dry, ironic sense of humor...and I need someone I can joke around with. He's so worried about offending me (he's scared to lose me, so he has said), that 99% of the time when he jokes with me I have no idea it was an actual joke. He just has a very serious, contemplative way about him, and he doesn't smile very much.

And when I hang out with him, I feel older, and don't want to feel older. I want someone I can "grow young" with.

And the essence he gives off is not one of youth, but of slowness and heaviness. A lot of our conversations are very heavy (about political stuff, beliefs, etc.) Although I love having conversations like that, I really need to have light, jokey ones as well. I don't mind a little lighthearted teasing or ribbing. I need some back and forth banter.

He also walks with a heavy limp, and he's heavy and stiff on top of that, which makes him walk very slowly. He also talks slowly, and it takes him a very long time to get out what he's saying...there are often LONG pauses on the phone that didn't used to be there, simply because I think he has nothing to say. It's not a good sign to run out of conversation after 2 months.

He also drives EXTREMELY slowly (like usually about 20mph even in a 30-35 speed limit). It takes him a very long time to get ready. He's just SLOOOOOOOOOW.

Even sex is SLOOOOOOOOW...there's just not much heat and passion going on there. There was in the beginning, again, it's like where did that go??? I think it was that he asked me to be his girlfriend too early, after only 2 weeks. It's like he wanted to skip the steps and get straight to commitment. I wasn't really ready to be his girlfriend, but I said yes. We got physical about a week later. I think the whole thing is on the road to comfortablity way too fast. With my ex, I still had butterflies with him for a good year. With my current guy, the butterflies are already gone. Probably not a good sign.

I think I have also been attracted to him because we work in the same industry, and it's refreshing to have someone I can talk to what I do with. He understands and can see things from the behind-the-scenes angle and that is SO nice to be able to share what I do with him, and for him to understand and give advice. But that's stuff a mentor could probably do. I guess I liked the idea of having an older mentor right there, but it doesn't do any good if I am not as attracted as I need to be.

I'm gonna sleep on this and really give it a lot of thought, and then go with my gut. Thanks for all of your thoughts, ladies!

Hi Ladies,

Actually, I love slooooooow, passionate sex.,But I guess the key word is 'passioneate'.

As I said before, passion and chemistry it is a real key issue for me.

Daisey Belle