fab,

you are simply between positions.

"I know I am a good person. I have some temp work (...), I volunteer, I am bright, educated, hard-working and knowledgeable."

You are all these things you mentioned and more...you have abundance and riches beyond measure...you have YOU (and us!). Monetary wealth is only a small example of wealth...true wealth lies within....

You are so much more than any employment would define you as! Keep dating! You don't have to come f/ a place of "lack" and unless you are in a relationship w/ a man, there's no reason they need to know any details of your position other than those you care to share...also, it's how you frame it...i.e. instead of saying "I'm out of work" or "I'm unemployed" you could say, "I'm actively pursuing new prospects..." or whatever suits your needs...Enjoy! As I keep re-iterating, Hold your nose, open your eyes and ears and keep looking f/ the beautiful pony that left the pile of poo on your doorstep!

Love and light ;}

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time.

My advice is to try and focus on something (e.g. a hobby or volunteering, it doesn't really matter) that is guaranteed to make you feel better. Dating is a funny one and can work both ways (as we all know), so try to choose something that makes you feel that you are able to catch your breath and you get your footing back.

I posted some very simple ideas how to boost your self-confidence on a thread 'Is it mental abuse or his own insecurities?' (under Relationships)

And most importantly: YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!!!!! Unfortunately I don't know you well enough and I don't know whether I am able to convince you as you could easily go: well, she doesn't know me, she is just trying to make me feel better.

Too right I am trying to make you feel better, but that doesn't mean what I am saying is not valid!!!

The sense I get from this site is that you are an intelligent, fun, sensible, gutsy, beautiful woman, a survivor, a fighter. That is not how I would describe a failure. But then again, I don't believe in failure. I believe that life is made up of cycles, good and bad and that is how everyone's life is, however glossy it looks on the outside. Don't compare yourself with anyone else, compare yourself with yourself. Today I smiled more, today I woke up 10 minutes earlier, today I helped an elderly neighbour, today was more successful than yesterday!!!

Do some of the tips that I referred to above (in another thread) and consider all the different skills you have, maybe try to think more laterally about your career, maybe you can even try a different sector.

As for dating and what to tell men about your present work situation. You don't need to tell the men you are dating too much. Just say that you are currently doing (whatever you are doing) but are interested in moving into (whatever it is you are moving into). You are not lying, but you do not need to go into a lot of detail at this stage.

I wish you all the very best: there will be sunshine after rain, you know ;)

Thank you Smerk, thank you!

Your words are so helpful and I am so glad I posted about this as it has been troubling me so much.

You are right, true wealth is definitely to be found within our hearts and not at the bank!

Oh, Wise, you are so aptly named!

I popped over and read that thread and I feel empowered just seeing that wonderful woman taking charge of her own situation so well.

Your self-esteem boosters are perfect too - I am doing most of those, but will address the ones I have neglected.

Thank you so much for your help, I really appreciate it. This forum is so full of wonderful women, I am so glad I found you all.

Hi 48andFab

Okay - first thing: from reading your few posts on this forum, I have to say that you come across as articulate and intelligent - and hey, you can spell properly and know how to use punctuation! :-) This may not seem like a big deal, but having just spent the entire morning with my boss reviewing resumes/letters of applications - many from people who claim to have a master's degree - and being astonished at how bad they are, the fact that you can at least express yourself coherently is a big plus. I honestly think you'll find a decent job soon enough. It sounds like such a cliche but the reason you've been unsuccessful so far is because the right job simply hasn't come along yet.

A couple of years back I was in a similar situation. Okay so I had a job but I felt like a failure in most other areas of my life - divorced, broke, living in an a dive, driving around in an old bomb (still do!). I did as wise suggested and focussed on my hobbies and on voluntary work, and it really helped build my self-esteem.

I wouldn't give up on the dating. There's a total difference between someone who's out of work because of a bad luck and someone who justs sits on their jack and does nothing. Any man worth his salt will see that you're a go-getter and respect you for who you are not whether you have a permanent job - and if not well he's a snob who doesn't deserve you anyway.

Hang in there x

It

Fab, I am in exactly the same boat as you. I am finishing off a temp assignment which ends next week...maybe. I hope I will get another assignment but the money? who knows. I am getting $13/hour at my current position. I am working full time hours. I remember when that was good money, but I am operating at a $200 monthly deficit and I am drowning financially.

It is hard to feel alluring and sexy when you are stressing about money. 2009 has been like that all year.

I was trying to put off my life till I got my finances handled but I was watching my life go on without me. After years of false starts I am trying to get an acting career going. I have had more paying acting jobs this year than ever, but it is still pretty tight.

I have a specific situation in that my "job" has to be flexible enough to accomodate my career. Not easy even in a good economy.

I agree with the above posts in that you sound like you have a lot going for you. Keep at it. You are not a failure unless you quit.

As far as what you tell men, I focus on my acting. If your volunteer work and other pursuits are things you are passionate about talk about those.

But don't put off dating. That is like saying "I can't have a man in my life till I lose weight" Ridiculous. Besides, you never know when you will meet a guy who knows a friend who knows a friend. It is all networking.

Good luck Hun!!

48andFab, I hear you. I am 38 and have been looking for full-time work for nearly two years, since finishing my master's degree. I have only been able to find freelance and part-time positions, and I have a ton of student loans to pay off. I've felt a bit the same about dating -- sometimes I feel so insecure in terms of work/lack of work -- how do I talk to someone I'm just meeting and not come across as insecure about where I am in life, when I AM a bit insecure?

But a friend told me, we are all in transition, all the time, if you think about it. If we put off dating until we have everything "together" in our lives, we might put it off forever!

I think that the kind of guy you want, the one who's a keeper, will be able to see beyond your life situation into who you really are. That's what you want, anyway!

I know what you are going through because I went through the same thing. it took me quite a while to find a job but it's just to pay the bills while I figure out how to get work I really want to do.

anyways, I meditated and it helped to deal with things. it's been painful for lots of people. I don't know what the key is but meditation was it for me

Hi Fab,
I, too, am in the same boat.
I have been laid off 3 times in the last 18 months.
I personally have decided that I do not want to date right now. My self-esteem is pretty nonexistent at the moment.

As all the loevely ladies have stated, this does not define us, nor does it mean that we are failures.

Keep your head up and do what feels right. Dating IS just like interviewing, ya know! Except YOU are the one doing the hiring! You've got the Power!!!

Good Luck!
xoxox
'Nuts'

48 and Nut,

Please don't decide not to date because you are feeling somewhat insecure right now...dating can definitely be an ego boost! You're not dating f/ someone to validate you...you're dating to have fun! Go on w/ your bad selves!!!!

I'm not dating just yet out of purely selfish reasons...I just don't want to put out the effort to spend time with men right now...I'm totally into dating myself for at least a little while...really need the me time; important people in my life (present company included) are requiring some serious TLC at this point and I'm happy to oblige!

That being said, I'm flirting shamelessly every opportunity I get ;}
I feel the need to get my dance on, so I've gone ahead and arranged to go out w/ my SouthPhilly princess friends next Weds (thankgiving eve..one of the biggest "go out" nites of the year) to do just that.

I've been seriously considering finding a li'l pub that has Karaoke on one weeknight where I can go sing as if no one is listening :)

Someone else on the threads had mentioned how she expresses her inner Diva-tude via Karaoke and it resonated w/ me...

...'tings dat make ya go hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

smerk ;}

Yes, SMERK, karaoke is the best!!! thetababe is a pro, I am a very happy amateur.

48, tell me:
How can you feel a failure when you are HERE WITH US.
This makes NO SENSE.

Whadya need?
MONEY - WE GOT THAT... A PLAN FOR YOU
What do you do? Look who's on board, hook up...blah...blah..blah
LOVE - LOVE YOURSELF FIRST AND ASK FOR WHAT YOU NEED...
LISTENING? Ha! We are pros at THAT.
FRIENDS? You've got 'em here, for sure.
ADVICE - Come on...don't make me laugh:)))

48 - teach a man to fish is much better than giving "him" one,
Doncha think?

love,
Auds
xoxox

Aw, thanks everybody, I really am feeling a lot brighter about it now. Sometimes the constant job-hunting and interviews and subsequent rejection letters do get me down. But I do know that there are a lot of other excellent people out there in the same situation as me with their skills going unrewarded and unused. It is a very frustrating time for many.

I have taken all of your advice and feel a lot better about things, I am looking for a man with a good heart rather than a fat wallet as I already know where happiness lies.

Thanks so much for your excellent advice!

I can so relate to how you feel 48and Fab! I took the big leap into self employment earlier this year, and although the business is going well, financially, things are pretty tight just at the moment! And yes, like you, sometimes I start feeling a bit down to it. But then I try to remember, it's not where I am at present, it's where I'm heading!

You're a wonderfully, bright, switched on lady, so I have absolutely no doubt you will - like Phoenix rising from the ashes, be back on top! Cos you're a winner!

Concentrate on the future, visualise where you want to go, try to go easy on yourself and surround yourself with people that love and support you. For every little "doubting dennis" thought that goes on in your head, everytime you catch one of those, just gently replace it with two or three positive affirmations. This will keep you on track, and also help to keep your spirits upbeat for when you're out dating.

I think it's great you are reaching out for support here. We love ya anyway!

Hear hear all. The recession has hit people pretty bad so it would be a pretty petty small minded person who would judge you for being between gigs

Someone else on the threads had mentioned how she expresses her inner Diva-tude via Karaoke and it resonated w/ me...

Ya I guess that was me--I mean I have mentioned that I am a karaoke princess.

There are a couple of great online sites where you can sing your heart out and post your songs:

www.redkaraoke.com

www.singsnap.com

come visit me on my I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours thread on the DWD Friends catching up forum and show us your stuff

Theta,

I've saved the links you just posted. I'm at work ATM; I'll check em out and share w/ you later...thanks!

48/wise/smiler/theta/pandora/funny/nut/auds-

"As all the lovely ladies have stated, this does not define us...."
(courtesy of Dnut)

We are all such multi-faceted beings! What we do/how we earn our daily bread is such a miniscule aspect of who/what we are!

I for one don't give a rip what you do to keep a roof over your head and food in your mouths; I'm more concerned w/ that you DO have a roof over your head and enough food! Anyone who would focus and judge you on "how" you take care of yourself is taking a shallow view and simply not worth your time...bottom line - you ARE taking care of yourself! You are independent and autonomous! You are beautiful and whole right at this very moment!

Thanks Smerk...
Actually that was not a 'direct quote' (you left out my typo ;-)

I keep tryin'!!!
Just like the Christmas Special....
"Put one foot in front of the other..."

xoxox
'Nuts'

New pic is much better Nuts!!!!!!!

You will be fine. I feel it in my heart. Maybe we need to start a jobs forum on here. You could be in charge.

Last year I had to completly change ocupations. I went from being a wholesale sales rep for a tree farm to an accounting/purchasing assistant. I did not think I could do it. My computer skills were nil and I haven't balanced my checkbook in years so accounting??? It has worked out very well. A friend of mine told me I had to learn to think outside of the box.

Saying a prayer for all of you that you are employed by the end of the year. xxxoooxxx

I am saying that prayer too so we can all meet in Toronto in the spring. See thread in DWD Friends section

Hi I'm new. Darlin told me about how great this website is.

I got laid off this spring and I had just decided to get back into the dating scene a few months prior. I noticed my self esteem took a beating and I felt I was no longer worthy of dating since I was in the poor house and unable to chip in for dates.
I also wondered that most men might freak over the fact that I didn't have a secure job and would view me as a potential gold digger or some chick looking for a man to take care of her.
I barely managed to survive the summer by taking on a temp. job and money was tight. I got a full time job in the Fall though, not as well paying as I was used to but better than nothing I guess.

Hi bes...so glad you can join us here! I'll be looking out for your posts! You can always find me at the "Margarita" thread. :)

Hi Bes and welcome.

3 Cats I know money is tight all around. Congratulations on getting work though.

I know it is easy to say you shouldn't define yourself by how much money you make, but what is important is the ability to take care of yourself financially. Though some financial circumstances are beyond your control and you can find yourself between gigs through no fault of your own, just remember that is a far cry from being a gold digging wench just using a guy for money.

Any guy with 2 brain cells to rub together should be able to look at a woman's work history and man history and tell the difference. If he can't then he is the one with issues.

One would hope so but people do tend to jump to conclusions sometimes without checking out the facts.
One guy at my new job marvelled over my "nice" car and the fact that I owned my own home and then he asked if I was divorced. I didn't immediately make the connection but he incorrectly assumed I got the house and car from the divorce. That hurt a lot, to think that someone would think that. The fact that I got a divorce almost 20 years ago and I took nothing other than my personal possessions and struggled for many years, the fact that everything I have today has been through my efforts and mine alone was totally destroyed by someones incorrect assumptions about me. He automatically put me in a box that he labelled "contempt". He went on about how his ex wife ruined him financially and just assumed I had done the same to some poor man. I set him straight but wondered how many people he had told I was a gold digger.

This guy obviously doesn't have 2 brain cells to rub together.

Foolish idiot man! hang on to your pride, you deserve to be proud...who cares what he thinks and further more, maybe the others can deduct that he is a bitter man.

Hi Bes, welcome to the forum - it is a blessing and I am enjoying being a newbie too!

And 3blackcats, that man sounded like a bit of an idiot - you are better off without him.

Fab, I just got laid off of my temp job and the agency hasn't called me for a new assignment. It is just before Christmas and I gots nothing!! This sucks.

Actually, I am very glad I am not crushing out over some dude right now. I realize the value and power of being able to take care of yourself financially. I even feel bad when my girlfriends have to loan me money or pay when we go out. I know they are trying to help, but it does take it's toll on your self esteem.

I do hope Santa brings me a new job for Christmas. Then maybe a new man for my birthday in March--or Valentines day, which is a mere 6 or 7 weeks away. sheesh!

Hi Fab,

Sorry to hear about your plight, hug.

I went to a little Christmas party last night, had a great time but as I reflect today, I was thinking about how I was feeling during the night, not the worse person, not the best person, but a person with a heart who wears it on my sleeve at time. What I noticed about last night and other times I have been in a group of people, that little nagging voice that normally tells ya you can do better, look at so and so, see her over there, if only my legs were longer, that little voice. I noticed she isn’t around much as of late because I have gotten to the point of not listening to the little voice and I barely know its there (practice, practice, practice), or it doesn't surface as much as it used to, I think I am getting closer to accepting myself for who I am, with short legs and a goatee (joke) even when the chips are down, I try not to beat myself up or stay in a bad/negative mental place although it appears bad now it could be worse and I know if I keep on pressing on it has to get better somehow.

We all go through that, experiences that make us question if it is all worth it, to me it has to be because of the light at the end of the tunnel which we know is coming. So I feel it is ok to question your worth, or struggle with self esteem issues, those factors should motivate us more which is a part of life, a part of growing and improving.

Besides we are analytical by design, we solve problems, we work them out, if we didn't have any problem we wouldn't get the opportunity to see the areas in which we can improve. This sounds like one of those times for you, a little rearranging as we do furniture and our closets, maybe it is the time to pull back from dating for a few weeks, take a breather, clear your head and refocus on what you need to do in order to be in a better place or get to the next level. You have a computer and the library, start snooping around seeing what you can find, something which might make the light bulb switch on over your head giving you inspiration.

Remember this is the hardest time of the year to find a job the holidays, they are mostly filled by college student who will be going back to school after Christmas break, something could open up for you in a few weeks.

Stay strong and keep the faith, because you have come way too far to turn back or give up now.

Keep hanging in there!

Aw, Theta, I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard time at Christmas as well. I still have my (poorly paid) temp job, but to add insult to injury, my volunteer work may dry up soon as two branches will be merging. This not being financially self-sufficient really does suck! Hopefully, we both will be in new jobs in January. (((Hugs)))

And EJ, you talk such sense and your encouragement is so helpful. Yeah, I am pinning my hopes on something coming up soon. Thanks so much!

Ya thanks EJ.

Thank goodness I do not have much to buy at Christmas. I don't have kids or grandkids. Just one niece and she already has so much stuff it isn't funny.

My parents are elderly and don't need much. That leaves my sister and brother-in-law. 5 presents. that's it.

Still, the cats eat better than I do.

Fab, it sounds like Santa needs to bring both of us a new career for Christmas

I hope you don't mind me resurrecting this thread again. Although the dating is going well, I am having sleeplness nights worrying about my job situation/finances etc. I am so stressed!

Part of me wants the holiday season to hurry up and be over, so I can scour the job adverts again.

How is everyone else doing?

pretty much the same over here. In fact I am scouring the net as we speak. I need a job BAD.

Me too - nothing new since last week - things are so scarce up here - getting a bit freaked out now!

I really hope we both report success very soon.

Fab, I found my biggest enemy is procrastination and indecision. I know what I want to be doing and what I need to do to get there, but because I don't decide on a course of action, I don't take action till I am under the gun. This happens over and over and is a NY resolution to break this pattern