Self Esteem Gone AWOL
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 07:48 am
So, another job rejection letter arrived yesterday - I am 48 years old and struggling to find permanent work. I am feeling such a failure. I know I am a good person. I have some temp work (not particularly well paid), I volunteer, I am bright, educated, hard-working and knowledgeable. Yet I have no home of my own, crap job prospects and a terrible work record (my abusive marriage took its toll). In a decent economy I would be in a job by now, but after a year of applying, applying, applying for jobs, going for endless interviews, I still get knocked back.
I am worried all this is coming over when I date as my self-esteem is taking a battering and I have worked so hard to build it up again after the awful marriage.
Should I hang back on dating until I am work-sorted or am I right in going out and meeting people?
When should I tell them about my lack of wherewithall/bad job situation?
Help!
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 08:05 am
fab,
you are simply between positions.
"I know I am a good person. I have some temp work (...), I volunteer, I am bright, educated, hard-working and knowledgeable."
You are all these things you mentioned and more...you have abundance and riches beyond measure...you have YOU (and us!). Monetary wealth is only a small example of wealth...true wealth lies within....
You are so much more than any employment would define you as! Keep dating! You don't have to come f/ a place of "lack" and unless you are in a relationship w/ a man, there's no reason they need to know any details of your position other than those you care to share...also, it's how you frame it...i.e. instead of saying "I'm out of work" or "I'm unemployed" you could say, "I'm actively pursuing new prospects..." or whatever suits your needs...Enjoy! As I keep re-iterating, Hold your nose, open your eyes and ears and keep looking f/ the beautiful pony that left the pile of poo on your doorstep!
Love and light ;}
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 08:37 am
I am so sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time.
My advice is to try and focus on something (e.g. a hobby or volunteering, it doesn't really matter) that is guaranteed to make you feel better. Dating is a funny one and can work both ways (as we all know), so try to choose something that makes you feel that you are able to catch your breath and you get your footing back.
I posted some very simple ideas how to boost your self-confidence on a thread 'Is it mental abuse or his own insecurities?' (under Relationships)
And most importantly: YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!!!!!! Unfortunately I don't know you well enough and I don't know whether I am able to convince you as you could easily go: well, she doesn't know me, she is just trying to make me feel better.
Too right I am trying to make you feel better, but that doesn't mean what I am saying is not valid!!!
The sense I get from this site is that you are an intelligent, fun, sensible, gutsy, beautiful woman, a survivor, a fighter. That is not how I would describe a failure. But then again, I don't believe in failure. I believe that life is made up of cycles, good and bad and that is how everyone's life is, however glossy it looks on the outside. Don't compare yourself with anyone else, compare yourself with yourself. Today I smiled more, today I woke up 10 minutes earlier, today I helped an elderly neighbour, today was more successful than yesterday!!!
Do some of the tips that I referred to above (in another thread) and consider all the different skills you have, maybe try to think more laterally about your career, maybe you can even try a different sector.
As for dating and what to tell men about your present work situation. You don't need to tell the men you are dating too much. Just say that you are currently doing (whatever you are doing) but are interested in moving into (whatever it is you are moving into). You are not lying, but you do not need to go into a lot of detail at this stage.
I wish you all the very best: there will be sunshine after rain, you know ;)
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 09:10 am
Thank you Smerk, thank you!
Your words are so helpful and I am so glad I posted about this as it has been troubling me so much.
You are right, true wealth is definitely to be found within our hearts and not at the bank!
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 09:15 am
Oh, Wise, you are so aptly named!
I popped over and read that thread and I feel empowered just seeing that wonderful woman taking charge of her own situation so well.
Your self-esteem boosters are perfect too - I am doing most of those, but will address the ones I have neglected.
Thank you so much for your help, I really appreciate it. This forum is so full of wonderful women, I am so glad I found you all.
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 10:54 am
Hi 48andFab
Okay - first thing: from reading your few posts on this forum, I have to say that you come across as articulate and intelligent - and hey, you can spell properly and know how to use punctuation! :-) This may not seem like a big deal, but having just spent the entire morning with my boss reviewing resumes/letters of applications - many from people who claim to have a master's degree - and being astonished at how bad they are, the fact that you can at least express yourself coherently is a big plus. I honestly think you'll find a decent job soon enough. It sounds like such a cliche but the reason you've been unsuccessful so far is because the right job simply hasn't come along yet.
A couple of years back I was in a similar situation. Okay so I had a job but I felt like a failure in most other areas of my life - divorced, broke, living in an a dive, driving around in an old bomb (still do!). I did as wise suggested and focussed on my hobbies and on voluntary work, and it really helped build my self-esteem.
I wouldn't give up on the dating. There's a total difference between someone who's out of work because of a bad luck and someone who justs sits on their jack and does nothing. Any man worth his salt will see that you're a go-getter and respect you for who you are not whether you have a permanent job - and if not well he's a snob who doesn't deserve you anyway.
Hang in there x
It
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 12:12 pm
Fab, I am in exactly the same boat as you. I am finishing off a temp assignment which ends next week...maybe. I hope I will get another assignment but the money? who knows. I am getting $13/hour at my current position. I am working full time hours. I remember when that was good money, but I am operating at a $200 monthly deficit and I am drowning financially.
It is hard to feel alluring and sexy when you are stressing about money. 2009 has been like that all year.
I was trying to put off my life till I got my finances handled but I was watching my life go on without me. After years of false starts I am trying to get an acting career going. I have had more paying acting jobs this year than ever, but it is still pretty tight.
I have a specific situation in that my "job" has to be flexible enough to accomodate my career. Not easy even in a good economy.
I agree with the above posts in that you sound like you have a lot going for you. Keep at it. You are not a failure unless you quit.
As far as what you tell men, I focus on my acting. If your volunteer work and other pursuits are things you are passionate about talk about those.
But don't put off dating. That is like saying "I can't have a man in my life till I lose weight" Ridiculous. Besides, you never know when you will meet a guy who knows a friend who knows a friend. It is all networking.
Good luck Hun!!
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 02:41 pm
48andFab, I hear you. I am 38 and have been looking for full-time work for nearly two years, since finishing my master's degree. I have only been able to find freelance and part-time positions, and I have a ton of student loans to pay off. I've felt a bit the same about dating -- sometimes I feel so insecure in terms of work/lack of work -- how do I talk to someone I'm just meeting and not come across as insecure about where I am in life, when I AM a bit insecure?
But a friend told me, we are all in transition, all the time, if you think about it. If we put off dating until we have everything "together" in our lives, we might put it off forever!
I think that the kind of guy you want, the one who's a keeper, will be able to see beyond your life situation into who you really are. That's what you want, anyway!
Sat Nov 21 2009 - 08:49 pm
I know what you are going through because I went through the same thing. it took me quite a while to find a job but it's just to pay the bills while I figure out how to get work I really want to do.
anyways, I meditated and it helped to deal with things. it's been painful for lots of people. I don't know what the key is but meditation was it for me
Sat Nov 21 2009 - 09:06 pm
Hi Fab,
I, too, am in the same boat.
I have been laid off 3 times in the last 18 months.
I personally have decided that I do not want to date right now. My self-esteem is pretty nonexistent at the moment.
As all the loevely ladies have stated, this does not define us, nor does it mean that we are failures.
Keep your head up and do what feels right. Dating IS just like interviewing, ya know! Except YOU are the one doing the hiring! You've got the Power!!!
Good Luck!
xoxox
'Nuts'
Sat Nov 21 2009 - 10:11 pm
48 and Nut,
Please don't decide not to date because you are feeling somewhat insecure right now...dating can definitely be an ego boost! You're not dating f/ someone to validate you...you're dating to have fun! Go on w/ your bad selves!!!!
I'm not dating just yet out of purely selfish reasons...I just don't want to put out the effort to spend time with men right now...I'm totally into dating myself for at least a little while...really need the me time; important people in my life (present company included) are requiring some serious TLC at this point and I'm happy to oblige!
That being said, I'm flirting shamelessly every opportunity I get ;}
I feel the need to get my dance on, so I've gone ahead and arranged to go out w/ my SouthPhilly princess friends next Weds (thankgiving eve..one of the biggest "go out" nites of the year) to do just that.
I've been seriously considering finding a li'l pub that has Karaoke on one weeknight where I can go sing as if no one is listening :)
Someone else on the threads had mentioned how she expresses her inner Diva-tude via Karaoke and it resonated w/ me...
...'tings dat make ya go hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
smerk ;}
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