Sad, Suspicious, Sleepless.....basically depressed and all of the above. PLEASE HELP!!!!
Sat Dec 26 2009 - 01:23 pm
Hi guys! Been a long time since I came on here to post anything though I have been dropping by from time to time to read new posts. Basically I am feeling pretty lonely, confused and depressed and need some uplifting from you guys. Here is my story - and I will try to keep it as short as possible:
(1) Met a guy last January - he lives a 2.5hour plan trip away from me.
(2) Fell head over heels within a month of our meeting ...he is just awesome and has inspired a lot in me - brought me out of my shell and made me feel good about myself etc etc.
(3) Went through some angst early in the piece with him but then I got into DWD (got the eBook) and started to calm down, live my own life and generally feel ALIVE.
(4) Went a bit too much in the opposite direction with him (ie acted TOO cool) and had the drama where he came back from a 6 week holiday and then didnt seem to want to see me (you guys were right - I had been way too cool and he thought I wasnt interested....there is a post about that situation somewhere on this site)
(5) So we are rolling along and really enjoying each others company WHEN we see each other - which isnt often because of the distance but that is ok ..."Quality not Quantity" and I am trying not to push for anything else. I am patient.
HOWEVER
I just found out something that has me reeling and I dont know what to do. What did I find out? Well he runs his own company and just out of interest the other day I ran what is called a "company search" and saw that the place he SAYS is his home (ie where I go when I stay with him) is NOT the place that is listed as his home address in the government business registration site.
I am trying not to over-react. I am trying to think of reasons for this - maybe he was living at this other address [before January] and just hasnt got around to changing it in the registration site?
I wish I hadnt gone looking now but - as the saying goes - once you open Pandoras Box you can never go back. And now, I am sitting here all alone .....I am not seeing him over this Christmas break and he didnt even call me on Christmas Day in fact it is at least 4 days since he called me last ......and my mind is working overtime.
So then my mind gets to thinking and there are some things that have happened [and are happening] during our time together that are making me think that he is (a) already in a relationship and/or (b) seeing other women. Things like:
- He doesnt phone me very often but when he does it is always from his car
- I have phoned him but he doesnt tend to answer (though he usually phones me back ...but from his car)
- Once when I went down to his city for work - I arrived on the Sunday morning at 8am thinking that we could spend the day together. He knew I had arrived and we spoke at about 11.30am BUT he didnt come to see me at my hotel until nearly 10pm.
- Another time when I was down there [work again] I was staying in a hotel in the city and he came out to have dinner with me but then dumped me at the hotel at 8.30pm saying he had a headache (and I then didnt see him again for 6 weeks as he went away on his holiday)
- He almost always pays for things in CASH (eg: when we go out for dinner).
Question is ....do I confront him? And if I do...HOW do I do it? Is he going to think I am needy/suspicious/wrong for checking up on him?
Sorry for dumping this on you all but I have nobody else I can talk to about this. Please help.
Sat Dec 26 2009 - 04:57 pm
Catwoman: Depending on the state he lives in, it could be an old address. Some states don't always update the info in a timely manner.
The other stuff you've listed I see as red flags. Like only calling you from his car, not coming to see you until really late, dumping you at your hotel early, etc.
The cash thing though could go either way. Some people just work better off cash rather than credit cards. My b/f tends to pay for many things via cash, but that's also due to his job. He is an independent contractor and a lot of his jobs pay him cash vs. a check he can deposit into his account.
As for confronting him, my personal belief is that I would try to find a good time to ask him about it in as calm a manner as I can possibly muster because not finding out would eat me alive. I would rather deal with the anger of "who the hell are you to ask me such stuff and don't you trust me?" rather than have that nag at me and eat me alive. I would though be ready to know if I asked the question it could easily mean that I would not like the answer I get and that would mean moving on and giving up on any hope of a relationship with the guy.
Now, that is me, that is what I would do. That is only MY opinion. Others here and you yourself might want to do something different.
Sat Dec 26 2009 - 10:04 pm
Catwoman..I see all of these as red flags! Sorry! If you all never really talk while he is at home and he calls from the car, then he either lives with a woman or he is married (my opinion). Also, do you have a home phone number? If not, that COULD be another red flag...the reason I say could be, is a lot of people are getting rid of their home phones, b/c people only use their cells for the most part! Him paying with cash (unless like Mistyk said above, he does better with cash) I would see this as a sign of covering up his trail and not using a credit card to pay for anything could be a sign that he is married! I dated a married man before and that was ALL HE DID WAS PAY WITH CASH...or the wifey would find out that he was cheating!
The way you can ask is to say..hey babe, I will be in your city on Jan. 15th for only 1 day and the company is paying for one night at the hotel, but I wanted to know if you would like to hang out for another day and if its ok with you, I would prefer to stay at your home to save on money? Or you can say, I would like to cook you a nice dinner while I am there, so can you pick me up at the hotel and I can cook at your home, etc....or say, hey..sometimes when I call your cell phone doesn't go thru, what is your home number, etc...see if he will comply or give it to you, or take you to his home...if he makes an excuse...then just tell him how him not giving you a home number, dropping you off at the hotel and always talking in his car makes you feel. If he still gives excuses or doesn't come thru for you..then you should just do the no contact and move on! He is hiding something!
Sat Dec 26 2009 - 11:13 pm
You guys are just so wonderful. I honestly didnt think anyone would get back to me so soon - it is the holiday period after all. This is just eating me away so I am so glad to get suggestions of how to handle it.
God I so hate this time of year. I am sure I am just stressing and getting depressed about this because being alone at Christmas is just the pits (we didnt spend Christmas together and he didnt call me on Christmas Day - nor the day after nor today either yet). I dont have any family so yes Christmas has not been fun at all.
But enough of feeling sorry for myself - the issue is that it APPEARS that he has two places of residence. The one that I know about - I will call that his "shag pad" and there is this other place that is listed on the Business Register - I will call that his "residential address"....on top of this issue are the other things that I am now recollecting and it is all adding up to make my suspicions worse.
Just some further notes in response to queries from itspossible:
(1) He has given me his "home" number - it is the number of the shag pad. I have only once called that number and that was because he asked me to.
(2) I do very often stay down for longer than work requires - and have stayed in the shag pad (we dont stay in the shag pad all the time but have done quite a few times).
(3) I dont cook - and he wouldnt let me anyway - so the suggestion about cooking a meal, though a good one, wouldnt work. LOL. I know what you mean though - get SOME excuse to try to find out where he might really live???
I know I have to confront him but jeez....how to do it? Do I admit that I did a company search a saw that his place of residence is not the shag pad? Misty suggests to face up to any possible anger of "why am I checking up on him" .......but I am so bad at confrontations. I know I will get emotional and upset.
Sat Dec 26 2009 - 11:32 pm
Catwoman, I know it's going to be really hard to talk to him about this. But you are going to have to do it. You can tell him that you've been doing some thinking and want some clarification on some things.
I wouldn't say anything about the shag pad vs. real home. We don't know for sure if that is his shag pad only. And we don't want to give away that you went a-snooping just a tad.
There are enough other red flags though that I would ask him about though like:
1. Why do you always call me from the car?
2. Why do you always pay for everything in cash? Don't you own credit cards?
3. How come you couldn't be bothered to call and wish me Merry Christmas?
4. Anything else you are recalling that is striking you as suspicious.
Sat Dec 26 2009 - 11:53 pm
Thanks Misty - there are so many things now that are springing to mind....like when he went away for the 6 week holiday and then didnt want to see me the week he returned. At the time he gave me several excuses ....he was with his son, he was sick, air fares too expensive and then when I did confront him about this because I offered to go down to see him - he said he got annoyed because I had seemed so "distant" and that it felt to him like I wasnt interested any more. I took that as the reason at the time ....but now I am thinking that maybe ....god this is killing me.
There are times when he "disappears" for days (like right now in fact) and then when he calls he doesnt give me any reason and I never ask.
So you are right - maybe start with the stuff that is bugging me and see what he says. The issue now though is that I probably wont see him for some while - though we may speak on the phone. I just hope I dont blurt stuff out over the phone because I think stuff like this is best done face to face isnt it?
Sun Dec 27 2009 - 12:00 am
It is definitely better done face to face, however, if you think he's avoiding meeting you but still calling you, then do it over the phone as a last resort.
You can't go on like this anymore. The longer this gets put off, the worse you will feel.
Believe me, you deserve a guy who really wants to be with you. And trust me, they are out there. Nice guys who will treat you like a queen.
Let's put it this way: My guy is at his parents house for the holidays. He is really busy with all the family and old friends that are coming to see him because he hasn't been "home" in a year. He STILL took the time to be the first one to wish me Merry Christmas at 5 mins past midnight his time on the 25th.
Sun Dec 27 2009 - 12:24 am
CATWOMAN...THIS MAN IS EITHER MARRIED OR WITH SOMEONE...HIS SIGNS AND EXCUSES ARE FAR TOO MANY AND FAR TOO SUSPICIOUS! I WOULDN'T BRING UP THE SHAGPAD EITHER...JUST TELL HIM THAT YOU AREN'T FEELING REALLY COMFORTABLE ABOUT YOU AND HIM AND TELL HIM THE REASONS WHY...I CAN PRETTY MUCH GUARANTEE YOU, THAT HE WON'T COME CLEAN AND HE WILL GIVE MORE EXCUSES AND EVEN TRY TO GET UPSET ABOUT YOU ASKING AND NOT REALLY TRUSTING HIM (THE BIGGEST SIGN THAT HE IS HIDING SOMETHING)!!! IF HE DOESN'T COME CLEAN AND REALLY TRY TO EASE YOUR MIND, YOU SHOULD JUST TELL HIM THAT ITS NOT WORKING OUT FOR YOU AND THAT YOU NEED SOME TIME TO SEE IF THIS RELATIONSHIP IS WHAT YOU WANT!
Tue Dec 29 2009 - 08:40 pm
Hi guys. I havent been on here for a few days - in fact havent really been on the computer for a few days. Decided I was obsessing too much about all this and better to keep myself occupied so I have been out visiting friends and generally being busy.
I did phone him on Sunday and surprise of surprises he actually answered ...but I got the distinct impression that he had been waiting for a phone call but not from me.....OR am I just getting so suspicious now that I am imagining murky things behind everything? Anyway, it was a very short conversation and not one where I could confront him. I still think it has to be done face to face.
So what I am doing is going out and about and am most certainyl not sitting around waiting for him to decide to come visit. I have things to do and people to see. Happy New Year everyone xxxx
Wed Dec 30 2009 - 11:10 am
Catwoman:
Glad you kept yourself busy. And yep, going out and not worrying about him is the best thing you can do for yourself.
Happy New Year to you too! :-)
Sat Jan 02 2010 - 10:37 am
Happy New Year!!!! This post is just to let you know that I am still waiting to confront him ie because we are still yet to see each other since before Xmas (last saw him on Dec 18th).
I have spoken to him just twice - once on Sunday 27th when I phoned him and he called me on New Years Eve (early in the afternoon though - not at "prime time" midnight).
He was none too happy wth me on NYE - when he got me I was driving over to my friends house and then we were going into the city to party!!!!
The thing is...the more time that passes since I found out what I did...the less angry I am OR is it because I am diverting myself into other areas and he no longer is taking precedence in my life???? LOL
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