Recently UN-engaged
Sat Jan 09 2010 - 10:50 pm
So, I was dating this guy for about a year and we had talked about marriage and I was in love with him so when he proposed to me, I said yes. We were together for around a year and a half before we broke up. There were so many warning signs I should have seen but I never caught on. He had a traumatic past which caused him to have some major psychological issues, yet he refused to see a psychologist and get help with these issues. He kept telling me that he was immune to the depression medication they prescribed for him, which I believed at first but he never tried to get on any other meds., and they have more varieties of those types of medications out now. He would have these horrible night terrors and they would scare me. I was terrified that he was either going to hurt himself or me and there would be nothing I could do about it. He kept telling me he was allergic to certain things which I think he lied to me about for attention, if fact I know he lied about one of them. Everytime I would get upset with him about something, he would always either blame it on his past or he would manipulate me and make me feel awful. He would make remarks here and there that would make me feel stupid or fat, when I am getting ready to graduate college with a GPA in good standing and I have even made the Dean's List. Yet, I fell for it and my self esteem went down hill. He always said he liked my friends, yet, he always seemed to be mad at me when he would call me and I would be with my friends. One day, I went to church with my friend and spent the day with her and he called me and I said, "I'm with Rachel right now, I'll call u back when I get back to my room." And he said, well u said you would call me at two, and I was like I'm sorry, but rachel wanted me to spend a couple hours with her and I'll call u back in a little while and then he retorted back to me and said, just call me back wednesday,and he said it because he was mad. He was always telling me, he wanted me to dye my hair a darker color. He didn't have a steady job. He had all these big dreams but yet he never put forth any effort to try to accomplish any of them.He even screwed up with college when he was getting it for free. He was also rude to my family and friends during the holidays. He never thanked them for the gifts they bought him and he laid around and slept all day and it just irritated me and was my last straw.
When I first met him, he seemed perfect. He acted like he had the same interests as me. He told me he was intelligent and a good Christian. He also told me he was an environmentalist and he wanted to start an animal rescue center eventually, like I did. Yet, once I got to know him, I realized none of this was true and he was trying to hold me back from my hopes and dreams because he kept making excuses about me wanting to get my animal rescue. We even got into huge arguments over stuff dealing with the wedding, and it was small stuff like flowers and colors. I love gerbera daisies and I wanted them to be the flowers and he told me lies like they're more expensive or places don't sell them for weddings and I looked it up and found out he lying to me. He was also engaged before me and supposedly she cheated on him. Why was I so naive? I feel so dumb for falling for everything? I'm a smart person, I don't fall for losers? He was my first real love. How do I get over him?
Sat Jan 09 2010 - 11:22 pm
Ash, it takes time. And during that time, you should be good to yourself - take yourself out, develop relationships with your friends and new people, and develop interests in different things. You obviously realize there are so many things about him that were not good - and that's great!
You remind me of me when you say "I'm a smart person, I don't fall for losers?" Do you think that perhaps you're being hard on yourself for picking such a man because you should have seen his flaws from the beginning? NO! You had limited information in the beginning and slowly you saw him for the man he truly was - and he's clearly not a good one for you. And once you realized that he wasn't right, you had the smarts to get out of the situation.
Thank your fortune that you are un-engaged. Can you imagine building a family with such a man? Can you imagine raising children with him? Your children that he would most probably try to manipulate and put down as he did with you?! Makes me angry just thinking about it!
It may seem difficult to believe now, but you'll get over him. You'll meet someone else - someone healthier for you - who'll be loving, caring and thoughtful. This man clearly wasn't that - so losing him is already a plus for you.
Tue Feb 16 2010 - 02:18 am
Ash, you should help him to out of depress condition, he need you help now. and you should do. May be he face some problem but dont worry all is well.... I want to write more but these days I am doing preparation of different online certifications and I found comptia practice tests is the best helping source which is providing 100% authentic material. I also spend my extra time in surfing internet, listening music and playing games. After my exams I would like to join your group.
Tue Feb 16 2010 - 09:35 am
You can't help someone who does not want to help themselves. I am with Cookie here. One day you are going to look back and count your lucky stars that you dodged this bullet. What you did took a lot of courage, instead of beating yourself up, you should be very very proud for being true to yourself. We have all made these mistakes. I was once engaged to a loser or should I say cheater. I got out at the last minute and never looked back.
Tue Feb 16 2010 - 03:55 pm
Nicole, about this guy:
1.He had a traumatic past which caused him to have some major psychological issues
2. He would have these horrible night terrors
3. he would always either blame it on his past or he would manipulate me and make me feel awful.
4. He would make remarks here and there that would make me feel stupid or fat
5. he wanted me to dye my hair a darker color
Do you want me to go on????
6. he was mad.
7. He didn't have a steady job.
8. He had all these big dreams but yet he never put forth any effort to try to accomplish any of them.
9. He even screwed up with college when he was getting it for free. 10. He was also rude to my family and friends during the holidays.
Anything else??? SURE...
11. He never thanked them for the gifts they bought him
12.... and he laid around and slept all day
HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.
If you stay with him, it will have to be on his terms.
You will fit into his mold long before you haved him fit into yours.
The whole idea is for you to find someone that adds to YOUR HAPPINESS - ....not into his misery.
He tried to come off so perfect at first but he couldn't maintain that facade. I do feel sorry for his struggle but he is not ready for a healthy realtionship.
Auds
xoxox
Tue Mar 09 2010 - 01:36 pm
Hi Ashnicole22 -
I know it's been a while since you've been on, but I had to respond to this post.
I am just exiting a relationship very much like this, and it makes me think that there are a few guys out there like this.
My guess it that you are probably a very nice person and a good listener - is that correct? Do you have a family that is still intact?
People like the guy you were engaged to latch on to women who have a steady background and patience, because they've often had none of these things. I have learned something from my situation which is similar to yours. When a guy tells you that he has had psychological issues in the past or is dealing with them now, and he doesn't seem to be willing to stay on meds or address the issue, it's time to back off.
My ex (and we still haven't had 'the talk', but it's inevitable, had a traumatic past, had a drinking problem due to that and god knows what else that he never revealed, and he used me as a therapist since I was kind, patient, and supportive. This guy as well tried to make us think we had absolutely everything in common, until I was hooked after 3-4 months. I was in love, and he had lied to me about having a healthy outlook on life, loving to be outdoors and exercising, listening to music, eschewing bars, etc. Only after 3 months did I realize he had a drinking problem. The longer I was in the relationship, the more I heard about his past, his father's and best friend's suicides, his father's cheating, and I ended up being nothing but a caretaker in the end. It was a complete waste of three of the greatest years of my life. I wish I had gotten out 2.5 years ago!
My ex also would get jealous because I had friends and would be upset when I would want to spend time with them. That's because he didn't have friends of his own. He had lived in the area for ten years, but couldn't keep a friend or a relationship going. He also lost his job (because he was irresponsible - most likely a result of his drinking), and for two years he collected unemployment and didn't search one day for another job. He spent weeks on end in bed feeling sorry for himself. When I tried to be encouraging, he would remind me that I didn't grow up with a family like he did, my brother wasn't a millionaire like his was, my parents were still together. I just didn't understand.... When I lost my job due to the economic conditions, instead of being supportive and possibly trying to team up to support each other since we were in the same predicament, he drank and couldn't drive to meet me. His situation was always worse. When I applied for govt help to take classes I needed at a local university and went through several meetings and paperwork to make it happen, he just said that he would never go through all of that himself - he didn't want to go back to school. And of course, he never would ask me about what I had learned or how my life was going. Basically, it ended up being a lonely realtionship, and I am probably less along being by myself.
This guy you dated seems similarly unsupportive and reminds me of a psychopath/sociopath. These people feign similarities with you and then you find out they lied and not only that, they are very unhealthy people who need to latch on to others to feel at all worthwhile. They put you down when you are doing the right thing for yourself and others and your self esteem suffers. When they are found out, they usually vanish leaving no trace. Don't be surprised if this happens. It has nothing at all to do with you, and thank God it happened before you were married and it was harder to get out of. I would not try and maintain even a friendship with this person. Get out while you can. Unless this guy finally gets the help he needs (and it will take him YEARS of counseling and support groups) he will never get over his past. Most people who really need help avoid it at all costs because it's uncomfortable for them. It's the people who are healthy that seek out help if they in fact have the resources to do so.
It took me a year and a half to get rid of my boyfriend because I felt like if I wasn't there to help him, he would be doomed. We shouldn't feel this responsible for anyone but ourselves.
I hope that by now, he's long gone and you've moved on in your life to find the one who truly deserves you.
Please stay in touch!
Beth
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