Pregnant and dating
Wed Mar 10 2010 - 08:07 pm
I am eight months pregnant, been through a rollercoaster of emotions and circumstance since the beginning of my pregnancy. The father is no longer a part of my life and, while I am not fully ready to date, I have met someone who I have been seeing and getting to know for the last few months. We have grown so close that I can consider him one of my best friends. Someone who i can call, crying in the stairwell at work from stress (true story) and someone I can talk to about ANYTHING! He also confides in me TONS and has invited me into his life more than he lets most people. We support each other, maintain our own lives and share honest, stimulating conversation. So where does the insecurity come in? He and I have become such good friends, and although we've talked openly about our sexual attractions to each other and the prospect of sex after I give birth (and heal), I wonder if he is sleeping with or dating other women. I feel as though this is just me being paranoid, especially since he's been so open about his sexlife and he's always open about his own spare time away from me and how it is spent. But I want to know for sure! Basically, we've discussed that our relationship potential has to be put on hold since diving in head first with so many changes on the horizon (in his life as well) would be un-wise for both of us. In the mean time though, I am obviously not dating or having sex with other people. How do I find out about him? And is it even my place to know? How do you become exclusive when you are not even ready for that yourself?
Maybe I'm just asking to have my cake and eat it too, but I'm worried that in the next couple of months, before we know if we can procede with a relationship, someone might slip in and take him from under my nose.
As I write this I think I am coming to an answer for myself, but feedback would be appreciated.
Wed Mar 10 2010 - 08:27 pm
R...if I were you...I would seriously just think of this guy as a true friend ONLY! I mean you are pregnant with another mans baby (even though he is no where around) and about to give birth...not trying to be insensitive or harsh..BUT do you seriously need to be thinking about another man?
I know that you will want his friendship now and maybe forever...but you need time to heal emotionally, physically and mentally with all you have gone thru. That is not fair to him nor you!
If its meant to be and he sticks around say a year from now after you have given birth and the father of the child doesn't rear his head...then go for it....but in the meantime...I would suggest that you both get thru your hurdles as close friends and see where life takes you two!
Thu Mar 11 2010 - 01:03 am
once the baby comes along yes your life is going to be very different and priorities are gonna change too...
im glad you have someone like him to be with you during this very important time
but as Itspossible says mayb it is best to be friends for now and see how it goes once enough time has passed for things to settle down surrounding you
i wish u all the very best, may u have a healthy baby an easy delivery and may god bring u all the happiness in the world...
Sun Mar 14 2010 - 01:34 pm
I totally agree with Itspossible! Not trying to be harsh either but you have WAY more important things to be thinking about than another guy. I also dont think that right after you give birth (and "heal") you should be jumping into a sexual relationship with this guy.
I'm sure you are going through a lot right now. You are on your own and about to give birth but I really think your priorities should be you and your baby... not trying to fit a new man into the picture. If he proves himself by sticking around for a while after you give birth and get settled in with your baby, that's one thing but to be placing so much emphasis on him before having even given birth yet is not the way to go.
Maybe this is just me and please do not take offense but from what you wrote, it sounds like you met this man while you were pregnant and you havent know him for a long time (ie before you got pregnant). The reason I mention this is because I ifnd it a bit odd that a man would be interested in dating a pregnant woman who wasnt carrying his child!? and then talking about having sex with her after she gives birth... I just find that....different...for lack of a better word.
I would do exactly what Itspossible suggested... do not have sex with him right away and see if he sticks around for a while after you give birth and really proves that he want sto be part of you and yoru child's life... then maybe consider being romanticly involved with him after he proves himself. For now, it's all about you and your child... you've already been hurt by one man (the child's father) you dont need another coming into the picture and then hurting you again... proceed with caution!
Wed Mar 17 2010 - 03:56 am
I just wanna address something first, because a lot of people assume that pregnant women are somehow alien creatures who should spend every waking moment planning for their babies and staring at their bellies for nine whole months or something. Although I am a pregnant woman, I am still a woman. My pregnancy has altered my life drastically and pushed me onto a much different, more productive path than before. However, I have not stopped feeling, loving, needing, enjoying life, caring about my appearance, thinking about my goals and aspirations, I could go on... The point being, I am still me, developing, growing, changing and loving my life (while making wiser choices and adding a very important element, namely my child:)
I have not leapt into the dating world again as, I agree, I am not quite ready for that. But I have met someone casually and accidentally. We are quite connected and have pursued a friendship I will value always since I have been able to learn so much from this man among other things. Our sexual attraction is also something I have no control over, but acting on it is something I can control (as can he). We have not acted on this aspect of our relationship for physical reasons as well as reasons pertaining to emotional connection and the perpetuation of a relationship that isn't quite wise to pursue at this time. He has been getting to know ME, pregnant or not, this is me, my personality. Not to trivialize my condition by any means. I have not put the pregnancy on the back burner, I've simply let someone into my life who I am slowly coming to know and trust and vice versa and who coincidentally, I am also interested in romantically for the future. I am not relying on him to become a surrogate father to my child or to fill some void in my life. I know that this topic is controversial and hard for a lot of people to understand, especially since most women would chose to stay with a man who was the father of their child. Circumstances have led me to strongly believe that this was not a good choice for me and my child. Being a single mom has been the best way for me to ensure my child's safety and in the future I will be looking a lot more diligently before I leap into the arms of any potential mate (including the one in question).
All that being said, I do agree that waiting is the best thing for me to do. I am not in any hurry, but the topic of sex has naturally come up and I'm happy to discuss it with him as we talk about a lot of different prospects for the future. I don't think that's strange, I think it's smart. We are learning each other's wants and needs before jumping into a relationship.
However strange and foreign this entire dating while pregnant thing is for people to grasp, I do see several valid points in your responses. "Proceed with caution" I will! And have been taking this opportunity to do so. And you're right, if he sticks around through the next phase of my life as I adjust to motherhood, and he adjusts just as well to my life changes then we'll see where things go from there. If he cops out in one way or another, then I haven't lost anything that was already mine. And I've definitely gained a friendship.
Sorry for the rant, there's a lot of strong opinions on this topic, but there's a lot more to baby River and me than most people can understand without first experiencing something very similar.
Thank you for your responses (and as for having an "easy" delivery sheshe, I don't think that's possible, but I'm definitely up for the challenge of this birth). :)
Wed Mar 17 2010 - 06:52 am
The thing is...when you are pregnant it IS NOT about you. A woman is still a woman, granted, but when you're pregnant is the time to begin to put this other human being (you know, the one who didn't actually ASK to be conceived and born) FIRST as you will be doing so for the next 18 to 21 years or so. This is NO LONGER about YOU. It's about a baby who, even now, relies on you for his/her life. Dating is a selfish activity and one that you realy need to suspend for a little while because everything you do from here on out is going to have an effect on that little one.
Wed Mar 17 2010 - 10:19 am
Riverandme
I think it is good that you have found a "friend" during this time. I also think that maybe the pregnancy has somehow created a safe distance for the two of you to get to know each other and apparently you have gotten very close.
I disagree w the other ladies about dating being "selfish".
I am sure that it is nice to not have to go through this alone. :)
Wed Mar 17 2010 - 10:34 am
I disagree too. I think that you have to be happy to be a good mom, if you don't take care of your own emotional needs what example is that to set? I was very single and pregnant too and it gets very very lonely and scary. It's nice to have someone to share this with, regardless of the outcome. Good for you, been there, done that!
Even after my daughter was born, although I sacrificed a lot, I did not sacrifice my own happiness. I left her in good care a couple of times a month and went out and lived. I did not date much, but not because I didn't want to, because I did not meet anyone to really date until she was a toddler. Then I still choose wisely, but I did choose to date.
Yes it is about the baby too, but it's equally about you. Just like with the men anyone in our lives, we can't stop ignoring our own needs. It is very important to self growth, the more you grow as a person, the better off your child will be with an emotionally healthy parent, you!
Wed Mar 17 2010 - 02:32 pm
Thanks guys for the support. It's hard for women who have not experienced something similar to understand the importance of a mother's happiness and the impact on the little life that depends on me.
I remember the respect I found for my own mother when she finally started to put her own happiness first. Growing up she always seemed so small until she turned that page in her life. Now I turn to her when I want someone to look up to.
Wed Mar 17 2010 - 09:39 pm
Who said I didnt understand or havent been there? I also know many other women who have been there and everyone is different. I find that type of response to be an excuse anyway.
You will obviously do what you want, so be it. In my opinion, you have a lot more important things to think about than a guy who you havent known that long... in my opinion, it's about your baby and you right now. Of course you can have a life and be a single mother. I'm just surprised that right now this is so important... Anyway, I stand by what I said before but I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.
Thu Mar 18 2010 - 02:56 pm
I am with Carola...Now I have never been pregnant...but I would think you would be more concerned with the health of your child, taking care of your child (by yourself) and your emotional status with it just being you and your child...b/c this new guy is not promised to be with you!
I do understand you like him and he says he likes you too and you all have developed a getting to know you stage...but I just wouldn't think that an intimate relationship should be one of the most important things right now.
Also, I am not saying that a real and true relationship cannot grow "just because you are pregnant"...because it can...it just shouldn't be on the forefront of you mind.
Take it slow, really get to know him and appreciate him being a friend during this time.....but slow down, b/c what you don't want is to have been intimate with him, and then after the baby comes, he leaves and you are an emotional wreck in conjunction with taking care of a newborn and maybe post partum blues! NOT A GOOD COMBINATION!
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