Online dating question - first date
Tue Dec 01 2009 - 10:49 pm
Hi all,
First off, thanks to everyone here for your wonderful and insightful feedback - I've been reading through the message boards for a while and find them very inspiring, and have recognized my own patterns in many of them!
I've just ventured back into the online world yet again ... and wanted to ask for suggestions on how to reply to a vague request for a first date. This guy and I have exchanged a couple of emails on a dating site, and the last one I received today ended with:
"Where do you like to meet new acquaintences for coffee?"
So, he's interested in meeting me, but hasn't asked me out directly - he's putting it back on me ... what do you all think? How do I best reply to let him know I'm interested in meeting, but not if he's being lukewarm or hedging his bets? Or am I over-thinking this??
Thanks! I'm so grateful to have found this community. :-)
Thu Dec 10 2009 - 05:15 am
Seraphina,
I am also dating from online. Personally, I like my guys to have some balls. If you want to see me, be a man and assume a little risk and actually ask me out. I find it really unattractive when a guy meekly dips his toe in the water with a question like "Where do you like to meet new acquaintances for coffee?"
I met a guy in person at a show last week, and he mentioned coffee and made me a Facebook friend, but has just been leaving these passive and kind of dumb comments on my profile, like "Hey, What's your Story? Mine's Goodnight Moon" and all this other "clever" stuff. But he still hasn't asked me out. I don't know if he's trying to snuff me out, but he won't get anywhere unless he actually asks me out and sets a time and date. And now after this childishness I don't even want to see him.
In my opinion, I think you'd be best answering that guy very directly, "I usually go to Starbucks" and end it at that. Or you can be coy and say something like "I don't meet new acquaintances for coffee. I prefer something a little less cliche." And leave it at that. He may be trying to get you to ask him out. Don't do it. You don't want a passive guy who doesn't even have the cajones to ask a girl out for coffee, for Pete's sake.
Remember there are also people online (men and women alike) who are not actually available but online for the thrill of talking to forbidden people and feeling desired by others. Some guys you email with will never even advance to a date, because they're married, or have girlfriends, or obsessed with work and have no free time, or a million other reasons. Or they make a date and then don't show up or cancel continually. I have had all of the above happen. Maybe 3 in 10 will ever advance to real dates, and maybe only 1 of those guys I will want to even see again. So that's about 1 in 10. So keep playing the odds and eventually they will turn in your favor. It's kind of like gambling. The more times you put yourself out there, the more chances you have to win. ;) Let us know how it goes.
Tiny
Thu Dec 10 2009 - 10:14 pm
I agree with tinydancer totally. What you've described is one of my online dating pet peeves. I want a guy to put himself out there and ask, not try to convince me to do the asking! It's pretty unappealing when guys do that passive "dancing around the issue" thing. (It seems to happen frequently!)
So I wouldn't give him any help. You can say you like Starbucks or whatever, but nothing beyond that! Let him pick up the ball and if he can't, you're lucky to be rid of him!
Wed Jan 27 2010 - 02:51 pm
As my Aunty says 'always but the ball back in their court' Wise words I think :-D
Thu Jan 28 2010 - 09:04 pm
I like the odds game talk sounds like a good plan.. I should of looked at that from the begining... almost like high school except older and hopefuly more mature LOL.. Hummm!! thanks ..Tiny .....I love this site...
Lynn
Tue May 04 2010 - 06:53 am
HI lovely ladies ,I so much appreciate your comments...
here is my little problem
I met this guy via facebook.we started to talk about life and all,nothing romantic ...
we are emailing each other for a month.
I am so curious about him,he seem great but I am not sure if he is looking for a gf or not .I know he is single but does not mean he is ready right?
I dont wanna look silly and ask him where is this going?
I told him I am curious about whom I am talking to ,because I am.He seem take his time ...what is quite annoying.He calls ,we talk for an hour or so ...he shares things with me about his family,his dreams ...why then he doesnt rush to a meeting???
I am afraid that if we going to meet -the chemistry will evaporate
I saw his picture ,he saw mine but what if reality we wont click?
not sure what to do especially that he calls less often,he writes less often -help
Tue May 04 2010 - 10:59 am
Roxana
You need to take a step back because you are worrying far too much about something which - for the moment at least - is nothing more than a cyber-romance.
By all means continue to communicate with him online and on the phone or whatever if you enjoy doing so, but unless or until you actually meet him in person, stop putting any more emotional investment into this guy.
Nobody can answer as to why he isn't rushing to meet you, or whether he wants a girlfriend. Sometimes guys just like the mystery of a 'cyber-romance' and have no intention of ever starting anything in real life. Who knows. And if you do meet in person and the chemistry isn't there - what does it matter? It's only a date for goodness sake!
Just take a chill pill and stop worrying.
Tue May 04 2010 - 01:24 pm
MissyMinx ,I truly appreciate your advice ...
you are right ,you see ,for the past few years he is one maybe 3 men who actually got my attention-in fact he represents all I have ever look for in a man-funny enough -he said few times that we think alike ,that is almost weird
I got email from him if I wanna meet up this weekend -wow
now I dont know ,if is me who force his action or what
I think I will spoil this cause I care way to much
where is my brain?
Tue May 04 2010 - 02:33 pm
Roxana,
we are in the same boat. my thread is under dating. no advice at the moment, but good luck this weekend:)
Inspiration Story:
Connect w/ Paige
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
Replies