Aniusza,

Leave it as is. He is at work!!! As a firefighter. Maybe he IS working hard....

Bet you've heard from him by now, eh?

SZ

PS. I LOVE your new pic! A flower growing and blooming out of the dried cracked ugly mud. Great image.

hi szstudio. Thank you

no i havent heard from him yet. which is strange becouse usually he would responde by now.

leave him alone and wait. :)
thank you

"Leave him alone and he'll come home, wagging his tail behind him."

Don't push the panic button yet. Remember, man time is not the same as our time. He is a firefighter, right? And at work for a long shift (days?) then off for a few. He'll contact you. Don't be a freak out girl, as they say on these dwd boards...

SZ

now it has been one day without contact.
why do men do such things??

its killing me!!!!!!!!

still no call.
I cant deal with this anymore.
i ont think that a man should be able to come and go as he pleases.
this is not acceptable.
i have tx him this morning and waiting again for his answer. This no contact has to stop.

A good way to respond to no contact is with no contact. He is being inconsiderate. Why does he come and go as he pleases. Have you tolerated it before, if so, you have given him your permission to continue this behavior. Do you just use words to express your discontent? If so, actions work much better. Think of it like this, a young boy misbehaves, his mother scolds him verbally. That is not such bad punishment, he can take that so he repeats the behavior because he suffered no consequences. This time mommie inflicts punishment, takes something away, whatever. Now the young boy knows there are consequences for his behavior and it is not repeated. What do you take away? Why you of course.

So, he responded to my tx.
staten that his parents are coming to town later this afternoon and staying thill saturday.

i asked him what is he doing on holloween is he dressing up.

hes respone.
- NOT DRESSIG UP. DONT KNOW WHAT IM DOING. PROBABLY NOTHING.

what does he mean by that. I feel like im on the back borner i case something doesnt come out he calls me than.
if he's not doing nothing than why wouldnt he want to hang out with me.
??????????????????????????????

Guys don't see it our way. They're more "action" oriented. My son is a perfect example, his GF wants to chat on the phone every nite, and he'd rather just go into his man-cave..recharge his batteries, perhaps speak on the phone a FEW times a week and then be fully present in his FTF time with her. As NC said above. Also, they EXPECT us to want them to call us...remember...they do love the chase and unlike us when they're tired or just plain need to shut the world out f/ a while, unlike us they go into recluse mode, not talk to as many friends as possible mode. Even though they might get together with their buds f/ a beer, they're not talking feelings, etc.

I can translate that for you in manspeak. You may not like it but here goes.

I AM PROBABLY DOING SOMETHING, BUT NOT WITH YOU.

What he is thinking: She keeps texting even when I don't reply so if I do decide to do something with her, no worries, she will be there for me. She is not going anywhere so if nothing better comes up, at least I know she is available.

Yes you are back burner. A man that has you on the front burner where you belong would come back and say No plans what do you want to do and he would make sure he secured the date.

Although I know full well how you FEEL, he doesn't SEE (ie think about it) that way. He's probably already freakin that his parents will be here through Saturday and most guys don't enjoy the dress-up holiday like we do. Don't create that self-fulfilling prophecy f/ yourself...get busy putting together a costume f/ yourself and go out and find a party if that's what you're into. It's a Saturday, so there's plenty of public venues out there having parties, and since it's halloween, it'd be easier to go incognito if you're nervous about going to a club or what have you. I'm not the religious sort, but I know lots of church and other singles groups have these kinds of things, too. Mr. Wonderful will come around in his own sweet time if you don't go getting all needy and push him away...do yourself a favor and focus on you...emotionally doesn't feel right when we do this, but trust me you'll get over it and thank yourself when you do...It pays off dearly and seperates the men f/ the boys ( and the women f/ the girls ;P)

yes, but see its not like we have just started to see eachother. it has been few months.
lately he has been working crazy hours. we havnt seen eachother much.
and now he will be home for holloween and not want to spent time with me. is he crazy???????

i dont know. i just dont feel that energy, that wanting from his side. And it is killing me.

What ever.
i cant take it anymore. he drives me crazy. i need to refocuss on myself and my needs and stop worrieng about his. and i cant seem to be able to do it.

please help.

Listen to your gut. It's talking to you. You said you don't feel that feeling. I have found usually these feelings are happening for a reason.

Think about what is going to happen if you keep your focus on him. It will push him further away. Pull back, see if he follows. Easier said than done I know, but it will give you your answer.

This no contact thing can be an amazing litmus test..If we can force ourselves to stand it (I'm thinking that eventually when I'm using it when I get back out in the dating scene I may actually get to the point where I enjoy it). We're like little affirmation junkies..I've always been good at the No BS part of the man/woman thing when it comes to "you do your thing, I'll do mine" because I have a ton of interests, but I have always victimized myself by going into needy mode and wondering why "they" weren't calling..as long as I don't cave, I have always been victorious if I've waited. Goes a long way f/ the "mysterious" part and generally the guy thinks you're cool if you don't harrass him. If he's a player, this NC mode will quickly weed that out too. Still FEELS like major crapola, but it WORKS!!!

Iknow that the no contact works. And why is it here. it has a reason to show us what kind of a man we are dealing with.
and trust me i know that if i will do the NC and will never hear from him again than i know he is nad wasnt worth my time. he is my player. and if i will hear from him than he cares.

But, as stupied as i can get sometimes. (LOL). i realy like this guy. i want him. i want to keep him. Bit this is the chance that i will need to take. i will not contact him until he contacts me.

what is the limit for no contact. 4-5 days. A week, 2 weeks.
when would you not give him the chance to be with you. after how long?

Oh love, we sooooo FEEL your pain. Here's a little trick I use to help me get through the rough spots and not act on the instinct of my feelings...first off, feelings aren't necessarily right or wrong..they're feelings..usually caused as a reactive state to something we're experiencing...consciously acknowledge those feelings, even if it feels silly, say something to yourself like, okay guys, I know you're valid and I honor my feelings. Then go ahead and ACT on what you know in that wonderfully level head of yours...I think guys are our polar opposites...they get into their heads first and then their emotions kick in. It's kind of an empowering little victory for us every time we go against our oh so valid and tender hearts and ACT on our wonderfully logical (albeit unemotional brain). That gut feeling is there f/ a reason, so it's okay to acknowledge it..but it goes on autopilot...it's very useful at times and it gives us our wonderful intuitive abilities..but it's not the best tool to use when we're trying to evoke respect from our guys. If we only utilized even an iota of the power we have in this area, we'd all be ninja DWD gals!

The time frame is up to you. You really need have a time frame, you will know. I set my no contact at 30 days and told myself I would make contact after 30 days. 30 days came and went, 30 more, now its over 4 months and I have no desire to contact. I am happier without him.

we are intimate.

Should i still be dating others? keep my options open?
trust me, its not a problem for me to get a date. i just dont want to waste my time. Im not getting any younger, and i want to settle down. im soooo tired of the chase the games and all.

i think im loosing it.

That my dear goddess warrior friend is the million dollar question! Ultimately NC goes on a case by case basis...that's where once you get past the initial emotion of it...you'll want to go w/ your gut. It will never lie to you. I myself am tearing up at your very question...I'm FEELING like I'm in total deprivation mode because I'm at the beginning stage of the grief/loss process due to the abrupt ending of a 6 year relationship..and I really thought this was THE ONE! You can imagine the head trip I'm on right now :(

Sooooo, I decided to turn this into a real pain fest and get it all out of the way at once...I was smoking up to a pack a day of ciggies and decided what better time to quit...physically/emotionally I'm already going through withdrawals, so why not amp up the process...last time I was in this mode, I went from ballooning up to 180 lbs because I had fractured my pelvis in two places to becoming a nationally placed competitor in body building w/i a years time...I weighed 107 lbs of lean SEXY muscle at 35 years old. In spite of the first image that comes to mind, women can bodybuild naturally and maintain a feminine yet ripped look...we only have so much testosterone in our systems so it's really impossible to get that manned up look unless you use steroids. Pain can be a powerfully creative energy if we harness it and not go the other way and become self destructive. Been there done that on a number of occasions, too.( I was ending a long term relationship at that time and was also self employed..so both money and love were on hiatus)

okay, get out of your oh so tender heart and blurt out what your initial immediate answer f/ the gut is...that's your answer..

the answer is.
i want him, i like him. He seems great but i hate the way he treats me.
when we are togethere i feel like a million bucks.
and than when we are not together i am misreble becouse i feel like he just doesnt care.

You want someone who treats you badly? How can someone who treats you badly or inconsiderate be great? If he thought you were great as well wouldn't he treat you better?

that is what i am thinking as well.
i have been single for a while now.
and i just turned 30, have a beautifull 8 year old son from my first merriage.
i might be thinking that my clock is ticking. I want somebody to be with.
im not sure, but i feel like crying a lot latly. I know its not a good sign. It will pass. I also stoped smoking, it was killing me. so that adds up to it as well.
my life is a mess, i know what i want and where i want to be at, but i cant get it all being bymyself.
its just to hard.
:(
thats why i am so glad i have found you all, and i can spill my guts out and no one will question me.
:)

The only way you can get there is by yourself. Once you stand strong alone, you will make a much better partner for another.

but i cant get it all being bymyself. This is what you just said in your last post. Step back and take a good inventory of yourself...you are getting it all of your own volition!!! Like my girl Annie Lennox sings: "Sisters are doin' it for themselves!" Don't delude yourself, you know full well if you tell yourself you can...you CAN; if you tell yourself you can't...you CAN'T. Fortunately, that's entirely up to you to decide. Your choice. No one elses.

I'm on day 3 of no nicotine and doing it cold turkey. Physically I'm feeling a wreck from it, so if you're serious about staying quit, we can support eachother on this also. My number one reason for not reaching for that cig is because I don't want to have to go through the agony of having to quit again. I had quit smoking f/ 10+ years and then picked up a few years back when I was on vacation with smoker friends...didn't take long until I was back at it full tilt. I'm no hypocrit...I don't want to date a stinky out of shape smoker so I'm practicing what I preach. My ex was a non smoker and hated it..I think that's one of the contributing factors to the demise of our relationship since his wife had died of a brain tumor and when he first met me I was somewhat of a health nut...always was health conscious, but I have some quirky self destructive behaviors..go figure.

Perhaps your life does feel like a mess right now..but look at it from this side, the only way you can go right now is up, and it's up to you just how you decide to do it, what an exciting new adventure you're in for..enjoy the ride...that fear is just an instinctual illusion!!! Let those tears flow if need be...it's a cleansing/purging process and it can clear you out f/ some new and wonderful stuff. We've got to look f/ the pony that left that pile of crap under our tree ;)

yes, i want to be quitting buddies. Im on day 2 and had been smoking for more than 10 years.

i have it hard as im ok with it at work but when i get home (my mother lives with me) she helps me with my son, she smokes.
i know that there will be cigarrettes at home waiting for me.
that sucks.
well im trying, trying realy hard and im doing it cold turkey.

he txed me back.
since he is not doing anything for holloween? should i ask him if he wants to hang out? ( i already know the anwser - dont ask, let him ask. do your own thing) if i know all the answers why am i keeping on asking for. LOL.
Support
we need support.

Cold turkey is a tough way to go but you can do it. I know you can. I was a 3 pack a day smoker when I quit about 17 years ago. It's hard...really really hard...but after the first few weeks it gets easier. Just hang in. You can do it.

Hi Ladies,

Thought I would join this thread. Don't ask, let him to do the running and keep cool.

I have just completed my first week of no contact. I am crazy about the guy.,Want him, miss him and need him, but I need to know he feels the same way.

NC is the only way I can validate that he feels for me also. If I text him right now.,I am fooling myself. I know that he thinks I am going to make the move, but I won't.He needs to stop being a coward and chase me. He needs to make the move.

I wouldn't text back immediately if I were you. If you can find the strength., drag the text response timewise out for as long as possible and play it very cool. Do not ask him to hang out, just ask how he is day is going? nothig heavy or needy.

Daisey

My dear Ani! I feel like I'm looking in a mirror (albeit a younger version of myself!) My mother lives with me, also. She helped me raise my son...I'm on day 3 of no smokes and I'm having the DT's f/ nick...thing is the Queen Mum has been away in Ireland f/ a family visit this past month and I'm due to pick her up at the airport this Sunday...I'm kind of dreading it because she smokes, too...also she is my touchstone and I've held it together pretty well this whole time since GBNF abandoned me..don't want to cave now...actually this is my "dark hour" this is usually the time when he would call to say g'nite which he did every nite f/ the past 6+ years...I'm feeling weak and want to break NC to email him to say "thanks a lot for RAPING my heart!!!!!!!!!! Because physically that's what it feels like...my poor li'l tender heart feels like it's been raped...along w/ the mindf*cking that this has been...I feel violated on all fronts...good thing I never let him in the back door!!! (Oh! I am soooo NASTY! LOL!) Mayhaps I'll do that "born a'gin virgin" thingy....hmmmm...now there's a plan!!!

On the halloween thing...my #1 fall back plan is to put on a good mud mask under my witches hat (Mud mask makes a great scary witch face and you're giving yourself an awesome facial at the same time..) stock up on some good red wine, load the spooky haunted house CD in the CD player, put on a good sappy chick flick and enjoy the kiddies while plying them with ADD inducing sugary candy and snax..one of my fave holidays! kick back, get a li'l buzz and a good facial whilst spreading the cheer amongst the young'uns...life IS good (definitely NOT fair) but GOOD!

yes, the smoking thing is realy hard. im handging in there. he contacted me. he wants to hang out soon. i wont ask when, let him make the plan, let him ask me if i am available. tomorrow is my day with my son. i dont remember the last time i went trick o trick with my son. it will be lots of fun. :)

SMERK, I see we're in a good mood:

"I'm feeling weak and want to break NC to email him to say "thanks a lot for RAPING my heart!!!!!!!!!! Because physically that's what it feels like...my poor li'l tender heart feels like it's been raped...along w/ the mindf*cking that this has been...I feel violated on all fronts..."

Thanks for RAPING my heart along with the mindf*cking.
Grrr8t.
So, tell me and stop being so vague, how do you REALLY FEEL?

Auds,
xoxox

he contacted me last on thursday with a 3 day break and now havent heard from him yet.
what is he thinking. is he thinking that i will sit here and wait for him to call and when he will i will act like nothing ever happened. that i will jump up and down from being so happy that he finally called. Hell NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
im nobodys toy. and no matter what is gooing on these days is not hard to heep in contact. takes 5 sec to send a tx message.

Bwahhh Haaa Haaa Haa Ha! (LMAO..not crying). Luckily, all of this drama is what goes on in my mind, I'm actually a n'er let 'em see you sweat kind of gal..that really throws 'em f/ a loopy! I'm not a yeller or screamer, either...oh no..I get reallll calm..deadly calm. Himself used to say "you really scare me sometimes", because he knew what incredible self control I have over processing my emotions (let me qualify that by saying as long as I don't have a few too many in me) and I'm not uptight by any means. Most people that I encounter say I'm very "chill" and laid back; except those that are closest to me and know how deep the still waters run. Generally, I have a very calming effect on people..calming but definitely not boring. I have a wicked sense of humor w/ an eye f/ the "irony" and humor in any given situation (ya, I'm a real pisser, too). In my last place of biz, people would often just wander into my office if they were feeling stressed 'cause they knew they could hang f/ a few and leave feeling better w/nary a word. Funny, about a week ago one of our mutual friends told me that himself shared w/ her that even his mother who generally doesn't give an opinion told him that she was disappointed, she really liked me and that I had a very calming effect on him..Imagine that!

(boy, this is really starting to sound like a profile f/ the personals..)

As an aside, I had a really great day today..actually got the "tinglies"- good ones, whilst I was enroute to pick up the Queen Mum.

Serendipitiously, my fave Annie Lennox just happened to be in my CD player (thought I had lost it; my car stereo was outta commish f/ a while) and "Sisters Are Doing It F/ Themselves" was blairing f/ the speakers when I hit the button..Tee Hee!)

So what about you Divine Miss Auds..what's your M.O.?

love and happiness,

Smerk ;}

Glad to see someone here...I was beginning to wonder if it's my breath.

(and I concur w/ Robin...see part in my last post about Annie Lennox)

You ARE already strong..although you may not always realize it.

No worries, we'll keep reminding you.

love and respect,

Smerk ;)

Smerk, the more I read the more I am convinced we have known one another in another life, perhaps sisters, I don't know but whew! I read what you wrote and I thought it was my profile.

Still no contact. Now I'm wondering and trying to decide if I shoulf tx him or should I just start dating again. I hate sitting around. I feel helpless. I don't know how u belive in tarot readings but last week my friend talked me into going with her. And my reading idicating that my guy is the one. That she sees us being happy, marriade and with children. Should I belive this. What do u think. Have any one of u got a reading done before? Please tell me what r ur vies on this. Maybe I should start a new topic. :)

Still no contact. Now I'm wondering and trying to decide if I shoulf tx him or should I just start dating again. I hate sitting around. I feel helpless. I don't know how u belive in tarot readings but last week my friend talked me into going with her. And my reading idicating that my guy is the one. That she sees us being happy, marriade and with children. Should I belive this. What do u think. Have any one of u got a reading done before? Please tell me what r ur vies on this. Maybe I should start a new topic. :)

Still no contact. Now I'm wondering and trying to decide if I shoulf tx him or should I just start dating again. I hate sitting around. I feel helpless. I don't know how u belive in tarot readings but last week my friend talked me into going with her. And my reading idicating that my guy is the one. That she sees us being happy, marriade and with children. Should I belive this. What do u think. Have any one of u got a reading done before? Please tell me what r ur vies on this. Maybe I should start a new topic. :)

Still no contact. Now I'm wondering and trying to decide if I shoulf tx him or should I just start dating again. I hate sitting around. I feel helpless. I don't know how u belive in tarot readings but last week my friend talked me into going with her. And my reading idicating that my guy is the one. That she sees us being happy, marriade and with children. Should I belive this. What do u think. Have any one of u got a reading done before? Please tell me what r ur vies on this. Maybe I should start a new topic. :)

Sorry about the multiple posting. Did it through my blackberry. It kept on saving and sending. LOL

Ani-
You might just get the marriage and children but NOT if you don't let the guy take all the time he needs to miss you in his life. It could take up to 6 months of NC, and by that time you may decide you don't have feelings for him any more which is weirdly when we are most attractive to a man.

Patience is a virtue in this case...if you're always around and texting him, he will soon see you as a pest instead of a future fiancee. AND by all means, DO date others even if you don't want to...it will increase your value a hundredfold. That's how I got my ex-husband to propose (I made the mistake of stopping dating others; looking back I know I should have kept interviewing more guys for the position!). Just make sure you take enough time to be sure he is good enough for you--in dating others, you'll be able to make a true comparison.

Definition of dating: No physical intimacy with any of them (esp. NOT the guy you are interested in attracting--that's what binds you to him and he knows you're not going anywhere!) It can be just a cup of coffee, a walk, a movie--think of it as an interviewing process, even though you already know which one you want to hire!!

I wish you well. Don't be a pest--be a goddess!! Let them come to you and kneel at your feet ;-D

janaroo
thank you sooo much. Your true words truly helped me. Deep donw inside i know that i should stick to NC. But i also know that what if he never calls again than i loose him. Do i loose him? Maybe i never had him in the first place. If he is the one and he truly loves me he will call.

You're welcome from somebody who's been there and got hooked back into a Friends (no benefits) relationship with a guy who I had broken up with (he had slept with somebody else). I asked him back into my life because I missed his company (bad mistake--groveling and apologizing when you are right in the first place!! Not pretty!) Thankfully I have better boundaries now.

We stayed as friends for a year with me thinking it was going to be more, then he dropped the bomb this May that he had met yet another woman! That's when I told him it hurt too much to stay in contact with him and I had been no contact for 5 months, with the support of all the women on this forum. Believe me it hurt but it gets better and better.

Since you are actively seeing him it probably won't take months, but always give him space away from you and don't chase him. He can't miss you if you don't go away LOL.

I wish you all the best.
Jan

p.s. I just got an email from a dating advisor who met her husband after dating 29 other guys first! He was #30 and he was the winner! I guess I've been underestimating how many frogs I have to NOT kiss before finally kissing the prince charming, huh?

I can so relate to this thread as I too am going through the same process with a man I really like (and who isn't contacting me as often as I would like him to).

I went on a walk this morning and here's what I've concluded about hanging back to allow the man to be in contact (versus us making it happen):

1. Trust the process - all the good women on this site can't possibly be wrong!
2. Time and space gives a man a real chance to miss you.
3. It sorts out the men from the boys (as a man has to pursue you if he wants you).
4. It ensures a far better chance of longevity in a relationship (as you know a man isn't just pursuing you because he's needy).
5. If you want something different (eg a long term, committed and fully functioning relationship), then you have to DO something different.
6. If you're not used to this way of being, then of course it's natural for it not to feel right. But that doesn't mean you have to rush out and start contacting up a storm. Like any new behaviour pattern, it takes time to feel comfortable and to trust the process.
7. Don't rush it. There'll be plenty of time to enjoy the passion and the ardour later on. If a pot comes to the boil too soon, it soon fizzes out...

I am learning to trust the process, and to just relax...

But all the same, it is haaaarrrrd! Day 4 now without any contact from my guy...

Trace, you are doing good, keep it up! He will resurface, sometimes they do this to test us and see if we freak out. If you pass and don't freak out, he will feel safe with you. They need to feel safe that we won't turn into bunny boilers.

We know that this is the right way. Giving them NC. but, as we all know the one thing that we fear is that if we dont contact them, if we dont do something about it than they will not contact as at all and we will loose them. Now we all know that we dont want to loose them.
But, the truth is that if they dont contact us, and they dont resurface (well put Robin :) ) they are not worthy us. We better move on and find a man that will not treat us like that.

My concern is with my guy. That is exactly how i feel. I have decided that i will give him NC (going on day 5) That i will start meeting other men. But, my thing is that i have been seeing my guy for a while now, and we have been intimate a lot. How do i put that aside and start dating. What if he calls soon. Than what? do i run like a little scared rabitt or make him work for me. I would feel like im cheating on him. But than, i realy dont know where i stand with him. ???????????????? I ask questions, i answer them for myself and confuse myself a hell lot more.
LOL

need wisdom words. Need to not contact hime. Be strong.

Ani, listen to jan's words;
Definition of dating: No physical intimacy with any of them (esp. NOT the guy you are interested in attracting--that's what binds you to him and he knows you're not going anywhere!) It can be just a cup of coffee, a walk, a movie--think of it as an interviewing process, even though you already know which one you want to hire!!

FEAR - that pest, FEAR. It always ruins EVERYTHING.

"But, my thing is..." BULL
No BUTTS ABOUT IT. F.O.G. is not pretty. Draw yourself a pic of freak out girl and pretend you are HIM. What do you see? Hmmm???

Auds
xoxox

You will never earn his respect if you keep running back. That is weakness and weakness does not go hand in hand with respect. Do you want his respect or do you just want sex? If you want it to go back to the way it was with you feeling like something is not right well run back when he contacts. If you want something better whether it be with him or someone else, then stay in no contact.

QUESTION ROBIN.....
WHEN WE ARE IN NO CONTACT MODE...IS THIS "BEFORE" OR "AFTER" WE TELL THE GUY "WHY" WE ARE NOT COMMUNICATING ANYMORE?