New to this site, kinda confused/first date, don't know what/if it went wrong?
Fri Jul 31 2009 - 02:26 pm
I was talking to a guy from a popular dating site since April. We connected very well through IM and e-mail. He flaked on calling me a couple times, said he lost his phone, said he lost my number, and finally we went out last week after me getting his number and initiating texts and such. Now, I'm not the type to initiate things because I'm shy. I sense that he was VERY shy. Not only that, but nervous to even talk on the phone.
So back to the date: we met after work at a nice bar, sat in the back where it was quiet. No handshake, hug, or anything. But we laughed and talked and made eye contact the entire 3.5 hours we were together. We literally talked about everything. It left a lot to my imagination because he's extremely intelligent. So, we have to leave because he needs to be at the beach later that night for a vacation. He was telling me his plans for the summer as we were leaving.
I swore he said something like "we should definitely do something again sometime, I'll be around..." but I was on such a high, I thought everything was great. He then wished me good luck with getting into a program and said he had to walk home. I said 'you can't walk home, I'll drive you'-we get into my car, he asks what music i'm into, we talk some more about random stuff, he seems pretty comfortable. I take him to his house and no handshake, no hug, no kiss. Just "if you get lost give me a call". And I think he said something like "we'll be in touch". So now, a week and some days later- he's going to a party or something this weekend and I haven't heard from him once since the date. I should add that I texted him the next morning said I had a good time. I left it short.
All in all: Why didn't he call? It went well to my knowledge. And how do I know when a date is so bad? I've had bad ones before! This one wasn't bad. It is just that he's super super shy???? Busy???? Really slow???? All the signs of attraction were there-except the kiss or hug!
Any and all advice would be great! Thanks!
Sun Aug 02 2009 - 06:52 am
#2
Hi,
I agree with Gretel.
I don't think he is that in to you. I don't think he is into anyone at the moment. You said he lost his phone, and misplace your phone number. This was all before you met him. He is dating but he is really not focusing on it. You text him, told him you had a nice time, and he didn't respond that not shy that's rude. It is always better to pick out those red flags early, so you won't waste your time.
Next the mother-side of me: Don't you ever get in a car with a man that you just met. You may have had a good feeling about this guy, but unless you are batting a 100 % on you impression of people, don't do it.
Sun Aug 02 2009 - 05:30 pm
#3
this mommy seconds that!!!!!
Wed Aug 05 2009 - 05:38 pm
#4
Unfortunately, I think that sometimes dates go well, and you get along, but sometimes the other person interprets it differently than you did. I've had this happen to me. And I've done it too. Sometimes my thought process is--this is a really great guy, and I enjoy talking to him, but do I feel a physical chemistry? Would I want to have sex with this person? If I'm getting too much of a "this guy could be my brother" or "this guy would be a great buddy" feeling, I usually won't go out with them again. If I think there might be an attraction, but it needs time to grow, I'll go out with them again.
Guys, I think, are a lot more cut and dried about it. If they can't envision themselves having sex with you, they are not going to go out with you again. Or, if they're not getting any signals from you that you're interested, they will assume you're not into it and never call you again. Or some guys are only about sex, and when they realize that they're not going to get it from you right away, they don't call again. And other guys are not about sex at all, just like to spend time with and get attention from women, and have no intention of ever getting into a relationship with anyone. I've dated that guy too.
There's so many guessing games on these first dates, which makes it so frustrating. All I know is, a guy who is truly interested in you will NOT leave you wondering. He will be coming around regularly to ask you out. Not late night texts, not calling every couple of weeks to hang out. He will be calling you regularly to TAKE YOU OUT.
Guys who do any less are not interested enough to want to be your boyfriend.
Thu Aug 06 2009 - 05:49 pm
#5
Hmmmmm, this makes me think A LOT. But why did we have such great conversation and eye contact the whole time? Also, he said he'd be in touch, I guess that was pure b.s.
I am contemplating e-mailing or IMing him to say "hey, haven't heard from you in a while, how's it going?"
What's the census on that?
Wed Aug 12 2009 - 07:13 am
#6
Hi HappyFrogs
You can have a great conversation, eye contact, etc., but that does not necessarily mean that there is chemistry from his point of view, or that he's particularly into you. It's sad (and annoying), but men often say things like 'we must do this again sometime' without really meaning it.
Reading back from your post, it appears as if you have innitiated most of the contact. Okay so he lost his phone - but if he was really interested, why couldn't he have asked for your number via MSN or email? Losing the phone sounds suspiciously like an excuse.
One of the main DWD 'rules' is: DO NOT CHASE a guy - let him chase you. Men tend to prefer to play the role of pursuer so chasing a guy can put him off, but also - and this is particularly relevant in your case - the only sure way you can tell whether he's really interested in you or not is to sit back and wait for him to contact you. If he wants to see you, he will contact you, but if you have to innitiate everything then it's not a good sign.
Sat Aug 15 2009 - 05:50 am
#7
Yeah, i second that! Don't chase him!
I went to a wedding one weekend and stayed at a friends house who had multiple guests staying there also. I got into a conversation with a nice, really cute guy and we talked for ages - long after everyone else went to sleep. I felt really good about myself for managing a conversation with a guy (I didn't have much confidence at all at that stage in my life) and was surprised when he didn't even speak to me the next day!! I couldn't believe it! But it happens:)
Wed Aug 26 2009 - 03:12 pm
#8
If you have to phone a guy this early on to initiate some contact, then you blow any chance of a potential relationship from happening right there and then. Chalk this up to experience, lean back a little more on the next date and just let the man come to you. Try to avoid motherly type of actions like offering to drive him home, or texting him after the date to say thanks for the date the next time.
To me, his non committal "we'll be in touch" tells me he wasn't keen on following up.
Thu Aug 27 2009 - 12:46 pm
#9
And I've seen people write about the "I lost my phone" thing on this message board 100 times. Do people really lose their phones this often? I don't think so. Guys will often say anything to "spare your feelings," not realizing that the lies are probably more hurtful than the truth (ie. he lost interest, someone else came along, he's already seeing someone, etc.). It hurts especially if it's a bad lie--I've gotten those too.
Fri Aug 28 2009 - 12:17 pm
#10
Seems a bit strange.
So what was this program he wished you luck getting into? Might it have something to do with what scared him off?
Mon Aug 31 2009 - 07:25 pm
#11
Happy Frogs:
Lots of guys can fake a connection and really have no interest in continuing to see you. He sounds like he is already involved with someone or just not available.
At any rate---see the movie, "He's Just Not That Into You!" Very eye-opening!! It will all make so much more sense once you've seen it.
Fri Sep 04 2009 - 10:40 pm
#12
The movie sucked. Greg's book was way better than the movie.
Wed Sep 09 2009 - 03:17 pm
#13
Curly:
I liked 'em both, but the book seemed too short (read it in one day).
Wed Sep 09 2009 - 05:13 pm
#14
They don't lose their phones, really. Think about it, I lost my phone, (now I know I am a woman and all), at the beach, I drove 60 miles to the closest dealer and forked out about $100.00 bucks because I did not want to wait for one to come via warranty. In today's society, we don't go without our phones, we feel lost.
Hi there!
We don't know why he didn't call but the 'rule' is, is that if he doens't call then he is not into you.
Don't obsess about if you can but by all means do a little analysis:)
Here's what I picked up on:
'he can't walk home and that you'd drive him' - this isn't a good idea. I realise that it was likely a natural thing for you to offer and I'm sure it's exactly what you would do for any of your FRIENDS. Do you want to be this guys FRIEND? NEVER do a new guy any favours for 'nice' things. It takes away the effort of pursuit.
Try thinking of it this way too: going on a date is exciting yet a bit of an exercise in nerves for both parties - given that there was no physical contact on meeting it's likely he was a bit nervous or at least felt some pressure as did you(?). We as women want to 'hold on' to this great guy and never let him go! But I think the guy wants to relax after the date and to be able to walk away and think about you (that long walk home and all that thinking!) probably would have been better for both. Men respond very well to distance and space - you have to let them miss you and given that your date went for 3.5 HOURS you enjoyed his company for a really good measure of time!
There was probably nothing wrong with your txt the next day but remember - SO MANY women do that - they write about it on this site! If EVERY other woman this guy has dated does that how are you different? Plus if you txt and get no kind of reply can you handle that? You've just given up your power! If you are the one waiting for a reply THEY are the one with the power.
I hope that helps!