New Guy and I'm Not wanting to Play Games
Sat Dec 19 2009 - 09:07 pm
Ok, I have been doing DWD for over a year and love the advice and all the support. My thoughts are it gets so confusing to just be yourself when you read that you are supposed to not do this and not do that. I am not good at lying and pretending to be someone I'm not. I really think the last relationship I screwed up because I was not being completely honest about how I was feeling. I know if a guy is not quite up front with me I can "sense" that something is not right and it sends red flags. I think guys can sense the same thing so I am not going to play any games and be completely open and honest with this new guy and see what happens.
We met online and have been talking for about a month. Great chemistry on the phone. We went out on our first date last Friday. Great chemistry in person. Had a great time. He asked me to watch the football game on Sunday with him, which we did. It was really great. We get along great, it feels very comfortable. We have so much in common. We have great talks about past relationships, about how we both believe in honesty and communication, etc. We had a date last night which was again great. He spent the night because we were drinking wine and talking, but I made it clear I wasn't ready to have sex and he was fine with just cuddling. He told me that he only joined the site after he saw my profile so he could e-mail me. Well, I only joined the site so I could e-mail him back. We have talked openly about how we both are the type of people that don't date around if we meet someone we are intersted in. Clearly, we are interested in each other. He made a point to tell me that he has put his profile unsearchable because he was not looking. I did the same.
He has kids and has his kids tonite. I have a great group of girls that I hang out with and plan on continuing to do my girl things, even though I really don't want to date other people until I see where this goes. Tonite I was supposed to go out with the girls, which he knew. Both girls backed out because they have so much to get done for christmas. Which was fine with me because I have a lot to do too. He just texted me and said "Have a great time with the girls tonite."
I have a girlfriend that is really into the playing hard to get and she says to NOT let him know I didn't go out and to make him think I did. What are everyone's thoughts on this? Surely, if I want an open honest relationship I should be open and honest right? I don't want to pretend to do something I did't do just so he will "keep interested." Won't he appreciate the honesty? And if he's only going to stay interested because he thinks I'm out - won't he lose interest eventually?
Thoughts anyone???
Sat Dec 19 2009 - 09:43 pm
Casunbunny...I am the same way. I want to treat others like I want to be treated. Don't play games with me and I won't with you. Now the thing is, we can't make the men stop thinking the way they do and that is they love a challenge and to hunt. If they think we are a prize and that we are well sought after, the more alluring and exciting we become to them. But if we act ourselves and let them see that we are not out partying every weekend night and we are not always so freaking busy that we can't think straight and that we could care less that he didn't call us, then WHO THE HELL ARE WE?
I think that women should be BALANCED! And that is to say...we are not always busy, we aren't out kicking it everyweekend and we do want male companionship...HELL IF NOT, WE WOULDN'T BE ON HERE TO LEARN HOW TO KEEP, MAINTAIN, AND TREAT THE MALE SPECIES! Show him that you DO have a life and that doesn't always mean staying at home by the phone waiting on him to call, but you are always open to the idea of going out on a date with him if he ask in a timely manner!
I am up to hear more advice....
Sat Dec 19 2009 - 09:50 pm
I think it should be a natural thing not a pretend thing. I am home tonite not because I have nothing else to do, but because I choose to stay home and get stuff done in my house instead of going out. I am busy with stuff, and I am perfectly happy being home instead. So I'm not going to pretend that I'm out when I'm not. I'm naturally not a needing person and actually enjoy my time to myself. So I don't need to "pretend" to not be needy. Like tonite I am looking forward to doing all my beauty treatment stuff you can't do when a guy is here - lol. I just thought my girlfriends response was worth throwing out there to see what everyone thought about that.
Sat Dec 19 2009 - 09:58 pm
I would text him back and say something like...thanks but my girlfriends postponed our girls night out to do a lot of their Christmas errands and shopping, but it turned out great...I now have time to do some things for me. Enjoy the kids...chat later!
This way you are not playing games with him but he also knows that you are not trying to see him or just sitting there doing nothing but waiting on him! So you are genuinely busy and enjoying yourself!
Sat Dec 19 2009 - 10:08 pm
That is basically what I did. I know he doesn't think I'm waiting to see him because he has his kids and we just starting seeing each other so way to early to meet the kids.
Sat Dec 19 2009 - 11:23 pm
well that is good! glad you are doing your thing and not MAD about doing it by yourself!
Sun Dec 20 2009 - 03:41 pm
I love your attitude. I am straightforward too. If I am busy, well I am busy, but if I am home, cleaning or spending important time on myself or studies/paperwork, I am not ashamed to admit it.
Good luck with the new guy, sounds like you are off to a wonderful start!
Sun Dec 20 2009 - 05:23 pm
Thanks Fab! I think that guys find an honest girl refreshing, and the fact that you can say hey - I'm home cleaning and I'm ok with it only refinforces your security in yourself. Especially any guy that I am going to want for long term would have to like that part of me. But I do know there is a balancing act the first few months and that's where I think it gets tricky. So I did exactly as I said and after he got his kids to bed he called and we talked for a while. I had plans on the plaza with a friend for brunch which he knew about so after I got done, I texted him with a done at the plaza and headed home. Hope your day is going good so far. That way if he's giving me space and not wanting to interfere with my plans he'll know its ok to call now.
Thu Dec 24 2009 - 04:39 pm
An update - since I just left my thoughts on another post, I thought I'd post an update as I am trying to follow my own advice.
So after his weekend with his kids last weekend, he called and wanted to know if I wanted some company after he dropped his kids off. So I said sure. He came over and actually spent the night and yes we were intimate. When that attraction and chemistry is there it is sooo hard to not. So we will see what happens now. Since then, I have seen him twice this week and he is coming over tonight and I am fixing dinner as he drops his kids off and has the night and tomorrow morning free until he gets them again.
Am I a little anxious since we haven't really had the talk? Well, yes but I have decided to not put too much into it this time. The last two relationships I was in, we talked being exclusive before sex and all that and well, it didn't help the relationship progress any.
I am holding out that just enjoying the time to get to know him and not being stressed out about where the relationship is going will make a difference in us moving toward a relationship. wish me luck!
Thu Dec 24 2009 - 04:41 pm
Cas,
Just relaxing and getting to know him will make all the difference. Just be yourself and don't worry about where it's going.
Sat Jan 02 2010 - 01:38 am
Well since my last post, things have taken a turn. We did spend Christmas Eve together and pretty much every other night since Chrismas. He leaves his showering stuff here and has given me every reason to believe that he is not pursuing dating other women. We were intimate just recently. Last night NYE we had plans together. I fixed dinner and we had a great night - until actual midnight. We watched the countdown on tv. At midnight he did nothing, no kiss, no happy new year - nothing. I was floored. In fact, he said he should probably call his kids and got up and called them. Afer he got off the phone, he said well are you ready for bed now. I was pissed. Now I will tell you that I have gotten a few weird vibes the last couple of days, but decided to let it go and not put too much drama into it.
So we go up to bed and I of course, had to tell him I was upset. I told him why - I said we just spent a nice NYE together and you didn't even acknowledge me at NY. He said he was sorry it upset me but didn't think it was a big deal. I said well, it made me feel like you weren't romantically interested. Which started a whole conversation about us. Basically he told me he cares about me, enjoys spending time with me and likes what we have now, but doesn't know what he will want in a month from now. He is pursuing other people by dinner etc. But he assured me if it progressed to the point where he wanted to be physical with someone else, he would tell me first. WTF - so basically he is telling me, I want to see you and have sex with you but I'm going to be pursuing other people to see if I can find someone I like better. Well I of course told him, I was not ok with that. I was ok with dating and us each dating other people (and he assured me he had no problem with me dating other people), but that I would not have sex with him while he was dating other people. I mean how crappy is that. So we left it at that and he got up this morning and left because he actually was moving today, but we didn't talk about anything. I feel awlful. Oh well, I guess the moral of the story is if they don't tell you you are exclusve - you are not. I see the mistake I made was getting intimate before that talk happened. When will I learn. I really feel like he changed him mind just recently. I could tell something changed. I guess if there's a good side, at least I found out early.
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