Men Opening up
Mon Mar 15 2010 - 01:40 pm
I need to understand why mean will risk losing such a great women because they are scared of opening up.
The guy in question is the guy that i have been dating for two months going on three. I had posted here a few weeks ago explaining my situation.
I know he has been burnt in the past ( was cheated on) after being married for 6 months.
I know he is interested but it kind of feels like he is almost afraid to come out of his shell and show any type of affection,c ommunication and that he is just plain interested.
I know he thinks about me bc he will send me texts (kisses, hugs, good morning beautiful) but verbally won't express it, it's like he shuts down.
why do guys shut down????....I want to send him a text now that says (thinking about you...miss you a little something) we havent seen each other in a week. But i dont want to come across as clingy or needy or however guys may think.....do you think i should ?
The other thing is...which i can understand can be a big insecurity, is that we met online. I still go on to check and delete emails ( i get about 5 a day), when i go on, he's on, but i notice he logs on then off.
I questioned his wanting to date others bc if he does we can't be intimate anymore. So he mentioned i see you on there all the time too, but i told him my purpose( which he probably thinks is BS) but its the truth. But then went on to say "he's not doing that" ( i guess not dating others)
So yesterday he called me to wish me a happy bday,In his call he said lets do somethig this week. Call me. I didnt call him back bc i have been taking steps back bc i dont know exactly how he is feeling about me ( i feel he should be making an more effort). So i never called him yesterday to thank me for bday call. I logged on to site last night to read emails and apparently he was on and sent me an email. However, when i saw his email last nght i didnt open it (for fear it was bad and ddidnt want to lose sleep). So this morning i wake up and text him.
Good morning, thank you for bday call. my bday wkend was crappy, with rain and being sick it wasn't much fun. Anyhoos, yes, lets get together this week. call me"
When i got to work..i opened the mail from last night...which ssid "i called you to wish you a happy bday, i see you're on here just like i thought...again, happy bday".
I havent replied....now i even feel more confused than ever. Is he interested , is he not..is he upset that i still log on, was he upset that i didnt call....I dont know....ughhh.
I dont know how to correct this !! These self help books say dont contact, but then i think there are instances where we should override the rules and go with how we feel.
HELP !!
Mon Mar 15 2010 - 01:50 pm
It takes time for a man to feel safe enough to open up to you. I know all these rules are very confusing. Apparently it bothers him that you are still on the site. In a relaxed moment maybe you should bring it up non confrontational. Explain you are confused. Explain why you feel this way and simply ask him "What do you think?" Then be silent and listen.
Mon Mar 15 2010 - 01:51 pm
Your behavior and how you handle things also dictates a lot of what makes him feel safe. Missing you text does not really accomplish this. It's more about acceptance, acceptance of him as a man.
Mon Mar 15 2010 - 02:09 pm
so how do i explain the no call back last night and then seeing me online ?
I don't want to say the wrong thing. He can tell the email was read so i do have to acknowledge it. I want it to be the right way...so please help
Mon Mar 15 2010 - 02:24 pm
Me personally, I would just call him back when you know he is relaxed and bring it up, but how you bring it up can make or break it. He will respect you more if you acknowledge it, if you don't again he will not feel safe with you. The line "Just curious" is a good opener. Just curious, maybe you meant nothing by your comment about me being online again, but it sure did not feel that way, so what do you really think when you see me online? Let him answer and go from there. Be silent when you ask, first one to speak looses. No emotion, just calm, like his answer is not going to get you all emotional. Don't let it. Calm and in control of yourself.
Mon Mar 15 2010 - 02:38 pm
I wonder if you have changed your online profile to say that you are no longer looking? I mean, if you don't want him to date others, you should also be okay about changing your profile so it is clear that you are not interested in dating others. If you don't want to advertise that you are seeing someone exclusively, then maybe you need to ask yourself if this guy is the one for you or not. You don't sound terribly keen on him, to be honest.
Mon Mar 15 2010 - 02:44 pm
ok, so I will reach out to him tonight. To many hours have passed by anyway to acknowledge the email i think. I should have done it when i read it..but i felt kind of stupid, busted and panicked and didn't want to write anything before thinking.
Not only that, but for him to notice i'm online ALOT he has to be on it ALOT himself......oye
I will tell him to if he were to ask me, that it does make me a little insecure about where we are going....it's being honest and not dramatic...right ????
Mon Mar 15 2010 - 02:58 pm
Cheelez,
This is the perfect segue! In answer to his e-mail, " i see you're on here just like i thought..." I'd let him know him the rules (as you have always understood them) of online etiquette for dating sites is to leave your profiles posted until the two of you decide to become exclusive. Just say that. Don't ask if you are exclusive in this email.
If he mentions you being on line again, either in conversation or by e-mail ask him if he considers the two of you exclusive. That you don't remember talking with him about that.
If he wants to be exclusive (and you too, of course,) then buy a good bottle of wine, sit down together and delete your profiles with a toast. If not...your profile stays up until his comes down.
Them there's the rules from Miss Manners. Don't outright tell him, but if he wants your profile to come down he needs to step up to the plate, declare he only wants to date you AND take his profile down too. That last part is very important.
Take it from me and follow the rules. Otherwise you will be standing on opposite sides of the 'match.com maginot line' until someone blinks. This is a HUGE source of relationship insecurity that does not have to be....Make a joke about it and maybe it will go more smoothly for you than it did for me.
SZ
PS. Perhaps he's online a lot checking to see if you're online a lot checking to see if he's online. See? Stupid, eh? Oy, I've got a headache!
Mon Mar 15 2010 - 03:01 pm
LOL SZ.....your PS are my thoughts exactly..
Truthsayer..I am keen on him. But it's just that he so stuck behind this wall that it's hard for me to tell if he is interested, which in turn prevents me from doing what I do. Which is being expressive about how i feel about a person, i like to hug, kiss, show affection. I feel he holds me back from doing those things because i cant tell if he is into me or not.
It's super frustrating. I want to explode and just pounce on him..but i don't want to come across ass overly affectionate if he doesnt like me.
Part of me says do it do it...but the other part is scared !!!
Mon Mar 15 2010 - 03:02 pm
SZ,
What you said about making a joke about it to bring up a delicate subject is totally on the spot. When I want to bring up a subject with my boyfriend, that is exactly what I do...it makes it a light moment and I usually get a straight answer unless he's in a sarcastic mood in which case I get a silly and funny answer.
Regarding your PS...I've always wondered that too...and why do women get all upset to see a guy still having his profile online but don't think anything about *their* own profile being online...sounded rather hypocritical to me but since I don't do online dating, I never said anything about it, not knowing all the ins and out of dating sites and stuff like that.
Mon Mar 15 2010 - 07:14 pm
Yeah Misty,
The least they could do is to 'hide' their profiles while checking up on me. But that means nobody else could see them either, how you going to pick up chicks when they cannot see you. But if they are out in the open they can tell you they aren't hiding anything from you, not sneaking around.... (Said in jest!)
Do the ceremony. Easy. Done.
Then realize you've gotta trust them. Anyone who is coerced to remove a profile before they are ready can just change the screen name and pics and move it to another dating site. There is no controlling who goes on where and you'll drive yourself insane if you troll for them. (And there's always the chance that they will discover you are out there too.) It's easier to trust until they give you reason to not.
Cheleez,
Show him how you feel about him with your actions, not your words. Let him take the lead and give him encouragement when he does lead, but match his attention. Don't go overboard too soon.
SZ
Inspiration Story:
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