keeping a simple commitment...
Sun Jan 17 2010 - 07:02 pm
Hi everyone,
I think most of us can relate to this one, I just like to share and see what transpires here.
I have been seeing this man that I met online for about three months now, completely platonic still...we chose that way until we decide if we are moving forward to a relationship.
Here it is my dilemma- He can not keep a simple commitment as to 'get together' or calling back when he says he will. He has cancelled on me innumerous times and it really upsets me the fact that he does it with no regards all the time. I brought to his attention many times, the last time I simply said that either he step up to the plate or just 'stay away from me' because I can not take this kind of behavior anymore. Not sure if there is anything else to do besides removing myself from the situation for good.
I suggested that maybe there is something else going on and if that is the case he should come forward and tell me. His response was- there is nothing to come forward about but he acknowledges the fact that he has a problem with keeping plans and he apologizes for it.
Not good enough at this point..... but I really like him, reason why I keep giving him chances....
would love to hear some input!!
N.
Sun Jan 17 2010 - 07:15 pm
Neptune....my situation was a little the same as yours. The guy I met online couldn't keep his promise to call me back when he said he would...now his visits were as promised except around Christmas but that was a another issue in itself and I don't count that one.
I just told the guy that this wasn't the type of relationship that I wanted either but I did the freak out thing and left several messages on his phone and text and email!!! So when he finally text me back...he just said he JUST heard them and needed to absorb everything before responding! I asked him could we talk and he said that he was watching the game with some friends. In 24 hours..I went from the hey babe to this!!!!
I hate how I acted and wish I could have waited to hear from him and talked to him like adults!
Sun Jan 17 2010 - 07:15 pm
I know you like this man, but believe you me, there'll be plenty of others. By choosing to place all or a lot of your emotional energy into this one man, you prevent others from coming forward. Plus you act with a scarcity mentality when you just focus on the one man who isn't doing it for you.
Three months is more than enough for this man to have come forward. He hasn't, which means he's lost out on the prize that is you that's all. Try to think of it a bit like a race. He keeps scratching himself from the race, which means he is unfortunately disqualifying himself.
You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink!
Yes, you're right, a true Goddess would simply and calmly move on. Without further fuss or explanation.
Sun Jan 17 2010 - 07:19 pm
It sounds like he is a just an online affair and will never meet up with you, for many reasons, shy, scared, married, has girlfriend etc...
I actually broke off a meeting someone today, I am just not that into him and really don't care about meeting him, but he still keeps calling me all the time for the past 3 wks.. not 3 months, that is a really long time...
I would just backoff from him, be less available, maybe it will spawn him into actually meeting you, give it a couple of weeks trial and if he doesn't step up and meet you then completely break all ties with him and move on to someone who wants to meet you in person.
Sun Jan 17 2010 - 07:23 pm
A favourite saying of mine (which I am unfortunately using a fair bit with men at the moment) is to say (with a smile on my dial) "I'm sorry, this doesn't work for me"...there is no more powerful feeling than a woman calmly and matter of factly (without drama) stating what her needs are, and then turning away like the Queen Mary.
Visualise yourself as Queen Mary Neptune - hold your head up high, throw your shoulders back and just say what it is you want (or are not wanting anymore) in one or two sentences max. Then walk away! A good woman like you deserves so much more!
Sun Jan 17 2010 - 08:06 pm
Thank you all for the responses,ut just to clarify I have met him already and we do see each other from time to time. The problem is he cancels most of the time and always last minute. But I know I do have to put it all into consideration and keep my grounds.
I have not lost it, or left him nasty voice mails, or texts, but I was clear in voicing it out to him that behavior will not keep me there.
Lets see what he will do, and if nothing changes.... I guess I am the one to remove myself from scene!!!
N.
Sun Jan 17 2010 - 08:21 pm
Neptune,
Just because you like him doesn't mean you have to suffer thru his non committal behavior. You told him numerous times how it makes you feel, now you have to show him how it feels. Just say no the next time he invites you out, explain to him his past record speaks for itself and you cannot waste time on a man who doesn't value your time.
Make plans without him, even if it is just to sleep, let him know you are not sitting around waiting for his little call to go out, perhaps this will put him in gear.
Mon Jan 18 2010 - 04:28 am
Hi Neptune,
You seem to like this guy, I assume he is very charming and fun. And I suppose he is the type who has been conditioned to get away with this type of behaviour. Because, let's face it, we women are very forgiving lot :).
I completely agree with EboneeJones: you need to recondition him by showing that it doesn't work. Words are cheap. If you tell him, it doesn't work, yet still put up with this, he won't get the message.
If your reconditioning exercise doesn't work, I am afraid there isn't much there that can be done.
I hope you will be able to successfully 'train' him :).
Mon Jan 18 2010 - 02:01 pm
I am just devastated.... after spending three months he just told me he just wants to be FRIENDS! I just don't understand why he wasted so much time if is was not there for him.... and kept just giving me excuses after excuses.....I should not be, but I am very very upset!
I grew some tender feelings for him and it just plain hurts!!!
N.
Mon Jan 18 2010 - 02:12 pm
Aagggh, I feel for you Neptune. So that's why he kept breaking dates - he was doing that 'pull away, pull away, pull away, hope she gets the message, then end it' thing.
That's really horrible and puts you through all kinds of mental contusions while you try and work out why (in your case why he kept cancelling dates) but he's finally told you the truth now so that's something I guess.
If it makes you feel any better - I doubt it will - he probably spent 3 months with you because there was a lot about you that he liked and he was torn about whether or not you had a future. As time went on he became more convinced that you didn't, and that's when he pulled away.
I only say this because I dated a guy for 3 months last year and then ended it. I liked him, a lot, but there wasn't that 'click' there. I kept working on the relationship, hoping it would come but it didn't. We were too different and he just wasn't the right man for me and I ended it. Unlike your situation I didn't pull away and pull away I just made the decision one day and called him to let him know. He was really shocked - he thought things were going well - and told me he'd change, he'd be more laid back and spontaneous, like me, but I had to say sorry, no. It doesn't make him a bad person just not the right person for me. Same with you. There's nothing wrong with you, nothing you can fix, nothing you did wrong you just weren't the right person for the guy you dated.
Maybe your guy thought he was 'letting you down gently' by cancelling plans so you'd start to think something was up rather than him ending it abruptly when you thought it was going well (like I did to the the guy last year).
I'm so sorry you're hurting. It's his loss and you will find someone who'll treat you well.
Mon Jan 18 2010 - 02:37 pm
Neptune, you asked for input on:
I suggested that maybe there is something else going on and if that is the case he should come forward and tell me.
His response was- there is nothing to come forward about but he acknowledges the fact that he has a problem with keeping plans and he apologizes for it.
---
PROBLEM IDENTIFIED: he has a problem with keeping plans
YOUR SOLUTION: the last time I simply said that either he step up to the plate or just 'stay away from me' because I can not take this kind of behavior anymore.
He apologized.
You? NEXT...
Neptune, you have learned what you want in a person that you are having a relationship with.
EJ and wise said it:)
Daisy said: It doesn't make him a bad person just not the right person for me.
Use this time to look in the mirror and reflect on what makes you a better person or what you need to change to become a better person.
Learn to know who you are.
Once you do that then you can better identify the red flags in the man that is wrong for you.
Cry all you need to. Once the shock and hurt and anger wear off then you will be able to date again.
The NEW YOU may emerge and you might reconnect or not.
Here's the myth that people refer to ALL THE TIME:
GIVE IT TIME.
They tend to forget:
NO! If you don't change, all the time in the world will still keep things stagnant.
You need to find yourself as I am in the process myself.
Auds
xoxox
Inspiration Story:
Connect w/ Paige
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