deleted... tried to fix typo and it posted twice :)

Ps.... I guess the no contact thing is working though... he may not be calling to chat, but at least he's a little worried that the reason I'm not calling is because I might be pissed ! ha ha.

What was the context of his saying, "well I emailed you today"? Had you mentioned that he hadn't called in a while or said something like, "about time you called" or anything like that? Because if so THAT was your mistake. If he was calling to see if you were mad, then you confirmed it. It would have been far better NOT to answer his call or to answer cheerfully and genuinely and REALLY throw him off base.

The general tone of the call was happy and playful.... the context of the whole "email" comment was after we were chatting happily for a couple of minutes and then he abruptly said "ok babe I'll let you go" and I said "what, do you need to get back to your video game" and he said yeah it was about to start to which I replied "damn, no call in two days and I only get five minutes?" (I made this comment very jokingly though, NOT in a mad tone AT ALL) and he said "well I emailed you !" , like knowing he was being a butt head.

It was all very cutesy and not irritated sounding or anything, I swear.

And I answered with a very upbeat "hey you!".

I'm just irritated that he had been playing video games for seven hours, and it's not like the game was going anywhere.... all he could spare me was five minutes time?

Like I said, I know this is a petty gripe, but I am trying really hard to let him do some of the chasing, and after that call it just irritated me cause he was just calling to "check up". SO ANNOYING ! :)

Girlie!

Oh this sounds like someone i know, (me!!!) Just wanting a bit of time!I think what your doing is fine, and allot stronger then i would be! I totally understand your frustration... My thought would be to continue the NC as you have been... and if he thinks a email replaces a real conversation...he is wrong! I maybe wouldnt respond to the email... and let him wonder a little further... (GRAB HIS ATTENTION)and then maybe he will call. I would also stay playful, and cute with him. Let him realize it on his own. And hopefully he will!

LET ME KNOW!

Hey PG ! :)

I am trying to be tough, but it sucks when you are trying to do something to "take your power back" and you feel like he is on to you and just playing a game of his own !

I am just hoping he does not become too stubborn about this because then I am going to have to take drastic measures and I really don't want to have to go down that road....

We'll see. In the past it has taken him about a week to come around, and it is only day three :) Hopefully he'll wise up or I am going to have to start cutting out some of our weekend time.

I just don't want to get into a pattern where he thinks it's ok to not call me all week cause he knows I am going to be there on the weekend, you know? And he is fully aware of the fact that I would like (ideally) to talk to him everyday.

ugh!!

My ex used to play the dam game day or night, rain or shine, thick or thin... i was so over it! finally i took drastic measures and said... if you'd rather play your game then dont come try and "sleep" with me later.. lol drastic i know! (BUT IT WORKED)

I hate when i start to feel like "D" is playing me right back! WTF? have you ever seen the movie, 2 CAN PLAY THAT GAME? If you have its something like that... were you start to say, "im gonna call, im not gonna call" etc...

Dang it a whole week!?
Hmmmm.... I hope it dont take that long! I'd say the next time he calls... maybe cut it two 2 min although you have been waiting to talk forever!

Then do your best to stay in control and call him a little over an hour later...

What drastic measures were you thinking of?

Geesh, those games drive me nuts. My ex played WOW for months on end and would forego plans when a "mission" ended up running so late we'd miss going out. Maddening!!

It's good you're saying something about the game bothering you. Otherwise, it can become like a running joke, where he never changes his behavior at all.

I suggest trying to do your own thing and genuinely get your mind on that instead of him?? Sometimes when they sense the distance, they automatically respond to fill the void.

There is hope...about a year into WOW, my ex gave it up completely and admitted it was eating his life. So hang in there; if you keep your cool he could come around! :)

Thanks for all the support guys. When you create a habit of being the one to always pick up the phone, it's pretty hard to break.

I am having a tough time today. Just to recap:

Mon.... I left his house in the morning, later on his Mom asked me to email him something about a small family issue
Tue.... He sent me an email asking what I thought about some sheets for his bed, he called and chatted with me for about 5 minutes later that evening.
Wed....No contact.

I know it has been only 72 hours, but I am really irritated.

Also, I HATE game playing. With a passion. Did I mention I hate game playing? I do feel like this is a habit that needs to be broken though.

So here's my question for ya'll:

If I assume that when he is not calling it means that he is not interested enough to call, won't he assume the same when I am not calling him?

No, we are not in the first stages of dating or anything, and we have a standing weekend get together every week, so I guess it's not that big of a deal, but I have so much to tell him ! This man is my best friend and not talking to him feels like someone removed a limb. It sucks.

Do you guys think I am just being crazy? He goes through periods where he seems to get pissy when I am calling and then other times he seems fine. I felt like the thing to do to cure that would be to just let him do all the calling, but now I am wondering if that's the right thing to do.

Oh, and if you aren't familiar with what's gone on lately in my relationship... please read "Need Serious Help" under the relationships forum.

I am trying to "take a step back" as so many of you had advised.

Help me hang in there girls... this one is tough for me!

Aimee,

Did he call last night? How did you hold up...

Are you doing ok today!?

See above post PG... I'm hanging in there. Just getting a little unsure about this.

I guess the way to look at it is calling him = potentially bad

Not calling him = potentially good :)

And anyways, if he asks why I didn't call, all I have to do is say "oh, I assumed you were busy with your new toy and would call me if you wanted to chat " :) ha ha.

Aimee, I just finished reading your "Need serious help" post and it gave me a couple of ideas.

First of all, getting unsure about backing off is completely natural. Your instinct is to contact him, to check up on him, to get reassurance that things are still cool, that his reluctance to talk or have you come over isn't a sign of something bad.

So ignoring that instinct is like ignoring a cigarette craving. It's not going to feel comfortable until it becomes a new habit and becomes your new normal.

Now, from your initial post on this, a word that stuck out is "boundaries". This is much different from space. Not initiating contact isn't the same as respecting a boundary. For example, don't EVER use the key to his house unless he asks you to. It is a violation. Coming over when he says don't is another violation. Manipulating the conversation to the point where he says, "Fine, come over" is a violation. You aren't respecting his wishes, whatever they may be.

The thing is, his requests don't have to make sense to you. He has a reason for not wanting company--it can be personal, psychological, it can be that he has diarrhea, he wants to play games and unplug from a crappy day at work, who knows?!?! In a healthy relationship, he shouldn't have to explain himself or justify his request. Doing so will only make him feel insecure that his own reasons aren't "good enough" to get his needs met.

To feel safe in this relationship, he has to be able to trust that you will feel him when things get bad and respond in a manner that respects what he's going through.

The book I would recommend for you is "Boundaries: Where you end and I begin." It does a good job at explaining what real boundaries mean for psychological health and how people's childhoods often contribute to them having no boundaries or too many.

As long as you have boundary issues, you will never be able to deeply connect to others or feel content with your innermost self.

I completely feel where you're coming from. Everything you do comes from a loving place. But that doesn't mean what you do is being interpreted as love by your bf. So instead of doing what you do, full throttle, no apologies, you need to find out what reads as love to him and see if you can communicate THAT instead.

People are different countries, each with his or her own culture, customs and language. In order to communicate, you have to learn to speak each other's language instead of demanding the other conform to your customs and culture.

This man has gone through a lot. It sounds like he is in a low place (and the gaming is primo escapism, whereas a relationship is the exact opposite--an exposure of weaknesses and insufficiencies for the purpose of personal growth.) So his bar for personal violation is very low. You need to understand that.

Try that book, if you can. I learned SO SO SO much about how this whole thing works and how most people need to free themselves from what they learned in childhood and come up with their own rules, rules that factor in the personhood of and respect for others AND themselves.

Please keep us all posted. It does seem like you have a good thing that just needs some soul repair. Have you had a conversation about what you both want from a relationship? One of the problems that seemed to pop out from your last posts was the living situation. It's been 3 years...do you want to live together? The distance, the weekends only sleepovers, all this seems to be unsatisfactory to you. Is this how you want it? If not, can he give you what you want?

Aimee,

God, You are in the same boat as me with the computer games.

I had to ask him to leave because of them.

Only problem is he has depression.

There could be a reason why he is doing this.

The only way you will get him to cut down hours and spend time with you is by... not going to see him and show you mean it.
He will then choose. Only he can stop it.

NOT YOU.

XOXO

Marmoty- Cracking up at the diarrhea part of the post.... too funny :)

All of what you said makes perfect sense for where he is right now in his life. I am def. going to check out that book. And the video games are def. an escapism thing for him.... like curling up with a good fiction book is for me, so I can totally understand that.

I think overall we do have a good relationship, I just want to make sure I am keeping things balanced. I read a good analogy that balance in a relationship is a lot like a good game of tennis.... one person can't keep hitting the ball over the net unless the other person is hitting it back. So... I am trying not to be the only one hitting the ball.

And don't get me wrong... I don't mean to make him sound like a jerk who NEVER takes the initiative, I just think I am the one doing it most of the time and do not want to always be in that position.

I'm trying to be more respectful of his space and boundaries, and yes, I do have tendency to want to get my way.

As far as the living together thing.... I am emotionally ready for it, and yes, sometimes it's hard for me to not be making a home with him, but financially, he is not going to take that step until he has steady income.

We talk about having kids and living together and one day having a house in NY and all that stuff, so I think he assumes that once we do live together, I am going to be on the baby fast track, and whether or not that is true, he is not going to have me move in until he can financially provide for that. He has made several comments about "children being a major financial commitment" and "I couldn't support a family on income like this". I think he has admirable intentions, and I'm happy about that.

I am fine with it from that standpoint, because I was married to a man who basically just stopped working and let me be the sole bread winner for almost two years..... Trust me, I am NEVER going to put myself in that position again.

I have a great job and I am not a gold digger, but I am also not up for being the only income in the house hold. I take care of my business and I expect my man to also. So, until he gets to the point where I feel I am not potentially setting myself up for the same scenario that I was in in my marriage, then no, I am not interested in living there. Emotionally, I want to, but logically, I think it's best to wait.

ca- In all honesty I don't even mind him playing the game.... it's a good stress outlet for him and makes him more fun to be around when he's done playing.... I just have to get over the neediness on my part when he's not calling.

Update..... HE CALLED !!!

He called me just a few minutes ago to talk about bed sheets again.

I think I am doing something right ladies ! :)

(yes, I am a huge dork, and no, I don't care ;P )

The most amazing thing about men is that, just when you're at the end of your rope and swinging they'll walk by nonchalantly, eating an apple and say, "God, I love you!"

Men coming around after a complete jerk spell like nothing happened--one of life's great mysteries!!

Cool, you dont mind him playing the game.

How long is he playing it for?

Neediness, God you sound like me, I feel left out when he is playing
his computer games too.

When you go to see him. Does he still play the game?

Marmoty- I will never figure them out, but hey, that's part of the fun :)

ca- Yeah, he plays when I am over sometimes, but he's usually pretty cool afterward, like once he finishes playing he'll say "ok, now what do YOU want to do?". It doesn't really bother me about the game.... the game was just sort of a surface issue in this instance.