Sat Aug 08 2009 - 09:32 pm
okay here is two........
did you hear about the midget psychic who broke out of prison?
the paper the next day had the headline "a small medium at large"
and.......
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Sat Aug 08 2009 - 10:19 pm
laisydaisy30 LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love #10!!
Sun Aug 09 2009 - 03:40 am
ha ha thought you would enjoy that joke!
Mon Aug 10 2009 - 02:08 am
Q: Did you hear about the morning-after pill for men
A: It changes their blood group
Mon Aug 10 2009 - 02:18 am
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship."
With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!"
She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."
Mon Aug 10 2009 - 02:17 am
A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.
"What the hell do you think you are doing?" she says.
One of the Japanese men replies: "We are all very hungry."
The waitress asks, "So how is jerking off in this restaurant going to help the situation?"
A second businessman replies, "Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED."
Mon Aug 10 2009 - 11:16 pm
OOOOH! NOOOOOO! I can't believe that one!!! LOL!!!!!!! Wicked, you 've got some real winners. p.s. I responded to your post (where you sent me the you tube link), and would like you to read it when you get a chance. :)Loved the link!!!!
Mon Aug 10 2009 - 11:31 pm
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out..
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''
Mon Aug 10 2009 - 11:33 pm
Words with two Meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.......Any part under a car's hood.
Male.....The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female....Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male....Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female..The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with someone.
Male....Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female....A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.....Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female...A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.....Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female....An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male......A source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.
7 . REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female....A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male....A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND:
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . .You wear pants don't you?
He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror and you can see for yourself.
He said . . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . . We don't know. It has never happened.
He said . . . Why are marriedwomen heavier than singlewomen?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed, and go to the fridge
Mon Aug 10 2009 - 11:36 pm
Job at the FBI
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews
And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed
Him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
Quiet for a bout 5 minutes.
The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another.. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet.. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
Beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL:
Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
Inspiration Story:
Connect w/ Paige
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
Replies