Excellent, Auds, I like a bit of black humour.

The guide to your heart is not through your eyes but through the emotion you feel. Hope not for tomorrow but live for today, the here and now. If you have a connection with another and long for them throughout the day, dream of them at night and yearn for them in the morning then they have become a part of you. Perhaps without even knowing, perhaps without even planning they have opened up the desire that you didn’t know existed but has always longed to be filled.

Tors, this is a JOKES thread.

Don't be tearing my heart apart NOW.
I have had a connection and he's gone and I yearn for him and it's nighttime and I long for him.
WTF! He WAS a part of me.
You are a bad man posting on the JOKES thread...or do you just not like asking for directions... lol

JUST KIDDING:)))))

Auds
xoxox

LMAO! Auds.

That's cold!!!

COLD...????... it's again MIS-commuication.
I got a phone call from MR. Wine Guy... hehehe...
He wanted ME to know that he was "working", I duumped him- he was not upmto "my speed"...
He came 'round.. because he's screwed up!

So, you think, I'm cold.... not at all. You should know that about me, shuga.:)
Auds
xoxox

NO...The joke was COLD, not you. sheesh!! Whatsamatteryou? lol

Oh!!!! darlin' you meant the JOKE was COLD. I dunno whatsamatterme last night. Maybe it's because I had no wine in the house???? LMAO
Auds
xoxox

You're like me without chocolate!!! LOL.

Yoda
(Sung to the tune of Lola, by the Kinks)
by Weird Al Yankovic

I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
S-O-D-A soda
I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda

Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
%---------------------
-Gifts for Children -
This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
-Dave Barry, Christmas Shopping: A
----------------------
Survivor's Guide

ACHTUNG!!!
Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und vatch das blinkenlights!!!
-----------------

Commandment #12592
Oh ye who go about saying unto each other: "Hello sailor":
Dost thou know the magnitude of thy sin before the gods?
Yea, verily, thou shalt be ground between two stones.

Shall the angry gods cast thy body into the whirlpool?
Surely, thy eye shall be put out with a sharp stick! Even unto the ends of the earth shalt thou wander and unto the land of the dead shalt thou be sent at last. Surely thou shalt repent of thy cunning.
%------------------
JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
by Mark Isaak
Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL character
named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their hash table
was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices are sparse.

You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some BASICs." She
compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it to him. So
Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, he met the
traveling salesman. "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted
the salesman in high-level language. "I'm going to the market to
exchange this RAM for some chips and Apples," commented Jack. "I have
a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue there; I will swap
your RAM for these magic kernels now."

Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she started thrashing.
"Don't you evenhave any artificial intelligence? All these kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the window ...
%-----------------
THE STORY OF CREATION
or
THE MYTH OF URK

In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, Let there be
registers; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
and DEC separated the data from the instructions.

DEC called the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
and there was morning, one interrupt ...
-Rico Tudor
%---------------
Pittsburgh Driver's Test
The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light but a
steady left tail light. This means

(a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
to call the problem to the driver's attention.
(b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
(c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
(d) the driver is from out of town.

The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign
countries to signal turns.
%------------
A Severe Strain on Credulity

As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket is a practicable and therefore promising device.

It is when one considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left.

Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
-New York Times Editorial, 1920

----------------
The Five Yorkshiremen: The Next Generation

Y1: Who would've thought that we'd be on a ship that could separate
in times of battle and keep most of the crew safe? I remember
when the whole ship used to go to yellow alert every time we
entered an ion storm.

Y2: You were lucky. We had to go to double yellow alert whenever
the captain fell into an obelisk, came out thinking he was a
god, and married an Indian woman.

Y3: You were lucky. We had to go to yellowish-red alert every time
a woman came on board and stole the first officer's brain.

Y4: You were lucky to have a woman on board. We had to go to red alert
when we were attacked by a mutant salt creature disguised as a woman.

Y5: Luxury! We had to go to double red alert every time the captain
found an overloading phaser in his quarters.

Y1: Oh, we used to dream of having an overloading phaser in the captain's
quarters. We had to go to triple red alert every time the blood-
sucking gas cloud got into the ship through impulse vent number two.

Y2: You were lucky. We had to go to quadruple red alert, blow up our own
ship, steal a Klingon bird of prey (which doesn't even have a red
alert), go to Vulcan to revive the dead captain, go back in time
and get two whales, come back and crash land in San Francisco Bay,
all on a Klingon triple black alert.

Y3: And if you'd try to tell that to these young officers today, they
wouldn't believe you.

Others: Nope. No they wouldn't.
%-------------
How to tell when you are dead

1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, ants.
2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
5) Exotic birds flock around you.
6) People ignore you at parties.
7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
%-----------------
Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence

1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
bomb; use the stairs.
2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
the ground.
3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to psychological problems.
5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
staggering illegally.
9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
sanitary due to limited circulation.
10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
D-Day.
%------------
'Twas the Night before Crisis

'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
Not a program was working not even a browse.
The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
%-------------
Computer Program Virtually Eliminates Machine Errors

Spokesmen for a local electronic firm have announced a computer
program that through fresh application of an old technique - virtually
eliminates lost time due to malfunction of computer components.
Called OREMA (from latin "oremus", meaning "let us pray"), the program
offers prayers at selected time intervals for the continued integrity
of memory units, tape transports, and other elements subject to
depravity.

Basically liturgical in structure, OREMA uses standard petitions and
intercessions stored on magnetic tapes in Latin, Hebrew, and FORTRAN.
It holds regular maintenance services thrice daily on an automatic
cycle, and operator intervention is required only for mounting tapes
and making responses, such as "Amen", or "And With Thy Spirit", on the
console typewriter.

Prayers in Hebrew and FORTRAN are offered directly to the CPU, but
Latin prayers may go to peripheral equipment for transfer to the CPU
by internal subroutines.

Although manufacturer supplied prayer reels cover all machine troubles
known today, the program will add punch card prayers to any tape, as
needed, after the final existing AMEN block. Classified prayer reels
are available for government installations.

In trials on selected machines, OREMA reduced by 98.2 percent the
average down time due to component failure. The manufacturer's
spokesman emphasized, however, that OREMA presently defends only
against malfunction of hardware. Requestor errors and other human
blunders will continue unchecked until completion of a later version
to be called SIN-OREMA.
-W.S. Minkler, Jr.
American Nuclear Society, Jan. 1965
----------------------
SPRING

As I awoke this morning
When all sweet things are born,
A bird perched softly on my sill
To signal coming morn.

The bird was fragile, young, and gay,
And sweetly did it sing,
Hummed softly with a cheery song,
So too my heart did sing.

The sun gave to his feathers glow,
And as he paused, a lull,
I gently closed the window,
And crushed his little skull.
%--------------------
Theory
Into love and out again,
Thus I went and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ever sung,
All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,
Someone dropped me on my head?
-Dorothy Parker

There was a cage with several apes in it. In the cage there
was a banana hung on a string, and stairs under it. Before long an ape
went to the stairs to get the banana, but as soon as it even touched
the stairs, all apes were sprayed with water. After a while the same
ape or another one made another attempt, with the same result: all
apes are sprayed. If later another ape tries to climb the stairs, the
others will try to prevent it.
Now they took one ape from the cage and put in a new one. The
new ape saw the banana, and wanted to climb the stairs. To his horror
all other apes attacked him. After another attempt he knew: if he
wanted to climb the stairs, he would be beaten up. Then they removed a
second ape and replaced it by another new one. The newcomer went to
the stairs and got beaten up. The previous new ape took part in the
punishment with enthusiasm.
A third old ape was replaced by a third new one. The new one
made it to the stairs and got beaten up as well. Two of the apes who
beat him have no idea why they may not climb the stairs. They replace
the fourth old ape, and the fifth, etc. until all apes which have been
sprayed with water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever tries
to climb the stairs.
One day a new, young ape asks, "But Sir, why not?"
"Because that's the way we do things around here, my boy."
%-----------
You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
when I was young!
Why, what did she tell you?
I don't know, I didn't listen!
-Ford Prefect

I think we should pick a flower for:
HE DUMPED ME, HE DUMPED ME NOT

Maybe a cactus... Hmmm! -or- sonething from the ocean?
Whadya think?
Auds
xoxox

YOU AIN'T NO BOTANIST, DUDE
by Smerk

I nurtured the tender young shoot of our relationship
into full bloom for these past 6 years, and in a matter
of seconds, you crushed it under your clumsy foot, you
big oaf, you!

Poignant, huh?

SMERK - Send it to duffus for Valentine's Day, will ya?... along with the bloom, okay?

Auds
xoxox

LMAO! He'll get nothing and like it, like my friend's 3yr.old said to one of my former bo's...old soul, that li'l one is!