Divorce Court.

Q-What was the first thing your husband said to you this morning?

A- He said " Hi Cathy"

Q- And why did these simple words upset you?

A-My name is Susan

A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They’re both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives.

The poor man says to the rich man, “What’d you get your wife this year?” He says, “A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring.” The poor man says, “Why’d you get her both?” The rich man says, “If she doesn’t like the ring, she can take it back in her brand new car.” The poor man says, “OK… that works.”

The rich man asks, “Well what did you get your wife?” The Poor man replies, “A pair of slippers and a dildo.” The Rich man thinks for a moment and says, “Why’d you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?” The Poor man says, “If she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fek herself!”

LMAO! :-)

OK, I've got one...(most people don't get this one:
Knock, knock.

Who's There?

Control freak. Now, YOU say Control freak who.

Auds

Control freak who?

Recession humor-

"Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?" George Carlin

;o)

;o)

;o)

Come on Wickedsoul,
Don't just sit there snickering....Cough up a another good joke!
SZ

wicked....LOL LOL LOL!

Audry...are you hitting that wine bottle again!?????? lol

love george carlin, brilliant guy!

ok...why is a man like a snow storm??

because you never know how many inches your going to get or how long it's gonna last! HA! That's the only want I can't forget!!! Go figure.

More George Carlin (one of my favs too)

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Oh Little Darling,

Just what is that WANT that you can't forget? Does it have anything to do with that man in a snow storm? Hee hee!

Audrey,
You were right, nobody got your joke, you control freak!!! : - ))

sz

LOL!!! touche'

Q... Whats white & wiggles across the dance floor?

A... Come dancing

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.

The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget"

Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sitting next to each other on a trans-Atlantic flight.

Suddenly, the plane plummets out of control. In panic, the woman turns to the man, tears off her blouse and cries,

"Make me feel like a woman one more time!"

Rising to the occasion, the man tears off his shirt and says "Here, iron this."

Too Funny wicked!! You're a good joke teller. LOL!

LMAO ladies. I am almost crying. Will try to come up with some too. :P

A friend of mine told me one the other day. It's funny, but kind of sick, too! Lol :-)

Ok, so this girl gets in a car wreck & needs a blood donor to give her some blood to survive because she has lost so much in the wreck.

Her boyfriend is a perfect match for her blood type, so he donates his blood to save her life.

Several months later, the couple breaks up and all of a sudden, the guy wants all of his donated blood back.

The(Ex)girlfriend just looks at him & smiles & says, "OK". Then,she goes into the bathroom.

Five minutes later, the door opens up slightly & the girl hands the guy a tampon, shouting out at him, "Here, Asshole! Monthly payment!" Lol :-P

Two old men were stting on a park bench talking.

One old man said to the other one in a rather sad tone,"Well Bernie, yesterday was my 85th Birthday & all I got from my wife was an SUV".

Bernie said,"Gee,Ralph. Why are you so down then? I would love it if my Wife got me an SUV! That sounds like such a great gift!"

Ralph turns to Bernie and says, "Yep. Good old SUV. Socks, Underwear, and Viagra." :-P Lol.

LOL !!!!

Ha! Ha! Good stuff here!!!!

so WHY did the chicken cross the road????

O Lil Darling,
In reference to our other post re. jealousy and trust....

A young guy walks into a post office and sees a middle–aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and sprays scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the best of him, the guy goes up to the man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, “Guess who?”

“But why?” Asked the young guy.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the bald man replied.

Men often brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very
moment for their call. Who are these women?

Women who answer 900 numbers

Here's an oldie and I'm giving it to my new guy tenant JACK as a housewarming gift:

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says: "You don't know Jack Schitt."Now you can intellectually handle the situation:
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc.

They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The Deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents objection, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were still living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe ****t Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens Wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Daawg, Byrd, Hoarse and Bull.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", You can correct them!

"Listen not only do I know him I know his whole family"

Auds xoxoxox

Oh my! Love this one Auds! You know me and my word games. This one gets sent to the separate folder for safe keeping. Hee hee!

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry."
Rita Rudner

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Audry I'm laughing so hard that tears are welling in my eyes making my makeup run and mascara in the eys which are now BURNING!! That is priceless!!! Thank you!

Great jokes too STD! (I'm just having fun with your name, but if you don't find it funny...please tell me) ;)

Audrey, that was funny as schitt. :) Thanks for making me laugh.

very witty cyclingchick lol

Cyclingchikie- "Audrey, that was funny as schitt. :) Thanks for making me laugh."
Now, I'm the one laughing...LMAO...GOOD COMEBACK!!!
So, now we're "in competition", eh?... you're ****t is better than my ****t???
Auds, too funnnnny!

SZ, darlin and all, YOU ARE VERY WELCOME for MEEE bringing tears to your eyes (+) rather than HIM bringing tears to your eyes.
P.S. Now at LEAST we know chicken sh*t's geneology!
P.P.S Sorrrry;( for makeup burning, bet you look like...you guessed it...SCHITT....LMFAO!!!
Period. Adieu... Mwah!
Auds

From Understanding men thread....
Wedding Fairy
A married couple in their early 60's were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant....
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands. The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will n ever come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!....the husband became 93 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.....

Girl in a bar....hilarious!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rSB4Klz3BfQ

Marcianne, that was too funny! Fairies, lol..

Auds, that was the first thing that popped into my head; I was laughing my a*@ off. :) I'm glad you liked my comment; it's fun to laugh together. :)

Chris, Matt, Tork, where are your guy jokes? Don't have any, I find that hard to believe!!!

okay here is two........
did you hear about the midget psychic who broke out of prison?
the paper the next day had the headline "a small medium at large"

and.......

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

laisydaisy30 LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Love #10!!

ha ha thought you would enjoy that joke!

Q: Did you hear about the morning-after pill for men

A: It changes their blood group

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride and said: "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers," she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the one who wears the trousers in this relationship."

With that she flipped him her knickers and said: "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your knickers!"

She replied: "That's right... and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" she says.

One of the Japanese men replies: "We are all very hungry."

The waitress asks, "So how is jerking off in this restaurant going to help the situation?"

A second businessman replies, "Because menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED."

OOOOH! NOOOOOO! I can't believe that one!!! LOL!!!!!!! Wicked, you 've got some real winners. p.s. I responded to your post (where you sent me the you tube link), and would like you to read it when you get a chance. :)Loved the link!!!!

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out..
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''

Words with two Meanings

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.......Any part under a car's hood.
Male.....The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female....Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male....Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female..The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with someone.
Male....Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female....A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.....Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female...A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.....Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female....An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male......A source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.

7 . REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female....A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male....A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND:

He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . .You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . . . Turn sideways and look in the mirror and you can see for yourself.

He said . . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . . We don't know. It has never happened.

He said . . . Why are marriedwomen heavier than singlewomen?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed, and go to the fridge

Job at the FBI

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews
And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed
Him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
Quiet for a bout 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another.. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet.. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
Beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them