Is it mental abuse or his own insecurities?
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 06:38 pm
So my last thread was titled Less Faith Less Dissapointment. If you've read that then you know my whole story......things have taken somewhat of a different direction since then however...
I commute back and forth to work everyday..about 45 min....! Lately it has got pretty hard on me and I brought up the conversation of moving in and getting a place with the person in my life that claims he is ready to make a committment with JUST me.....Well this has been going on forever..and everytime i bring it he makes an excuse to not do it....
I am so tired of his empty promises(like i said this story will only make sense if you read my previous post.) He claims he wants to be with me and only me and is ready to show me whatever i need in order to know how serious he is.
Well of coarse history repeats itself and he keeps draggin his feet..keep in mind we are walking on eggshells as it is. I keep telling him if he cant take care of me emotionally or mentally like i need then i am going to have to do things for myself and make myself happy. Told him, im ready to grow up ..have a life...make a home...a family.....
I know in my heart the reason he cant decide is because he is still talking to someone else....but for me he has been in my life for so long its so hard to picture it without him. Do i trust him? ABSOLUTELY NOT! NOTHING. ZERO.....but i try to see the positive rather then the negative. Fault on my part i guess.
Well recently...an opportunity was placed in front of me....my employer offered to move me there...all expenses paid...with a raise...!!!! I told him about it. he wasn't happy. but to me everything was happening for a reason....
Well i found a place i love! Keep in mind me and him have not been seeing eachother or really talking...i decided i needed to take things into my own hands and take care of myself. If someone is ready to be with me and really love me then it shouldn't take that much convincing right? and who has time for that anyway? I signed a lease yesterday. Made that seperation after all that time!! 4 years... i finally found it in me to take a step without him. He has hurt me so much...you think it would of come sooner.
Well this morning i found an email in my inbox. it was him...he heard through a family member i was moving for good. He emailed me with not so nice things to say(which by the way seemed to be a growing part of our relationship) things like hope your happy with your new place...ps...suck it in(he knows after having a little girl im self concious about my body....im 127 btw) not perfect...by any means...but he proceeded to say when im busy packing my things maybe i should look for my belly button because he couldn't find it on me...! Also, he does business with my boss(which I introduced him to...) anyway..he also mentioned...."if she lost ten pounds and got a boob job she would be hott" "ask your boss about that one". horrible things. Calls me a Fat B****...and other things i don't want to mention.
He has done this for awhile.....it use to really bother me..like to the point where i went to a real life coach to get some advice...but now ..idk...it still hurts but i can't help but wonder why he says these hurtful things. When we are good and happy he tells me he loves me...my body..everything...wouldn't change anything....but then he says the opposite...
it hurts...anyone out there have some advice on what to do? Should i care...and if not how do i not let it hurt me?
ONE GOOD THING AT LEAST IS IM STILL INDEPENDANT ENOUGH TO MAKE THE DECISIONS THAT I FEEL ARE BEST FOR ME AND MY DAUGHTER! IM MOVING AWAY. IM FINALLY DRAWING THE LINE IN THE SAND. IM DOING THINGS FOR MYSELF FOR ONCE...ITS BEEN 4 YEARS..I THINK ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 06:51 pm
Dear dear Live Life,
I am so very happy for you that you moved away from this abusive petty insecure horrible little man. I am so proud of you that you are independent enough to make your own choices and make a better life for yourself and your child.
Enough IS enough, don't even open his e-mails, don't let any of this ugliness into your life. How dare he say things like that about you!!?
I know that you had feelings for this guy, so I guess there must have been something good about him, however, I am afraid it doesn't compensate for the bad. I realise that it is always hard when the relationship ends, but BOY, did you have a lucky escape!!!!!!!
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 06:55 pm
Friend my friend!
You are such a beautiful person! You and your daughter deserve the very best!
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
xoxo,
Friend
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 06:55 pm
I really did ...i guess ....to me..it was gods way of saying..monica if you don't have it in you to save yourself from this..im going to do it for you!
Im very nervous to move...another city..no friends or family....but i have to do something about this...i can't handle this dissapointment anymore...i just want to be happy.
I need to work on me...maybe hitting the gym wouldn't be a bad idea...but i have to be ok with myself first in order to give my heart away to the right person that is...thank you for your reply..the advice and the confidence boost is something i can use right now..
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 07:00 pm
you are absolutely right....so right...that verse is beautiful. Im trying to be strong. you know i am!
XOXO back at ya my friend!
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 07:06 pm
Livelife...I am so happy and proud of you! A lot of women would love the opportunity to move to a new city with child in tow with a RAISE...YOU GO GIRL!! Feel good about yourself! Feel good for your child! This is MAJOR EXCITEMENT TIME! I know you are nervous and all, but baby do YOU...LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST! I know its been 4 years (mine was 2 years and I cried a river over things that didn't happen for us) so I know yours will be harder...but think about the words he says to you...the way he puts you down..do you want your child to hear those things? No...would you want your child to put up with a man like that? No...so neither should you!
Now does he live in the same city you are moving to?
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 07:09 pm
its possible....
no thank god he doesn't. He lives in the city i am moving away from. Its not cross country or anything but still a start..
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 07:25 pm
Live Life,
To answer your question this is mental abuse. Mental abuse sometimes comes from a place of insecurity in a man. But with my ex husband, it came from a place of anger. It sound like this is the case w/ your ex(?)bf(?) It is a very unhealthy and destructive way to express his feelings of anger.
My ex used to call me a bag lady because I shopped at the thrift stores. He told me I was ugly, but when I dressed in nice clothes and wore make-up I was after another guy. My career (that I love) was cr@p because I didn't make as much money as he did. I was lazy because I loved to read. I was a slob because I liked to keep pictures of my kids on the mantle. After hearing this for so many years you start believing it.
This will slowly and insidiously destroy every shred of self confidence and respect that you ever had for yourself. And then you will be too weak to walk away. God sent the opportunity for you to move and become independent. He also sent these terrible words to convince you to walk away while you were still strong enough to do so.
All I can say after 17 years of marriage....
RUN. RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN. DO NOT CONTACT HIM. DO NOT ANSWER HIM. (and the girls know I hardly ever use caps.)
Be strong. You will be just fine! Distance (another city) is the best thing for you right now.
SZ
PS. I now have a 14 year old who is beginning to treat me as my ex did to get his way. He learned the behavior to adopt when he gets angry. Move on and find a guy that will not abuse you...at least to be a good example for your child.
Thu Nov 19 2009 - 01:05 pm
Wow.....
Sounds like you have been through hell and back with this guy !
I am so proud of you for taking the new job and moving ! Like a previous poster said, women would be thrilled to have that kind of opportunity !
This guy sounds horrible and in my opinion you should have nothing to do with him. I would not respond to any of his attempts to contact you, or try to contact him in any way.
Good for you for staying strong !!!
Thu Nov 19 2009 - 01:15 pm
Thank you Aimee...
Everyone seems to be saying I'm strong...but inside I still hurt ya know? I guess I'm trying. He has been in my life for a long time, so letting go isn't easy....there were good times...I mean he wasn't always bad..I guess there has to be a reason why I love him.
I'm going alone to a new city, so I am nervous. I really hope I'm making the right decision. I don't want to move to get away from him, I want to move because I want to make a better me. Stronger, smarter, all the above.........any tips on self confidence boosters?
Thu Nov 19 2009 - 02:39 pm
Well if you dont trust him, then maybe this is for the best, because if you cant trust him, then how can you possibly have a life with him? trust is everything
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