Dear dear Live Life,

I am so very happy for you that you moved away from this abusive petty insecure horrible little man. I am so proud of you that you are independent enough to make your own choices and make a better life for yourself and your child.

Enough IS enough, don't even open his e-mails, don't let any of this ugliness into your life. How dare he say things like that about you!!?

I know that you had feelings for this guy, so I guess there must have been something good about him, however, I am afraid it doesn't compensate for the bad. I realise that it is always hard when the relationship ends, but BOY, did you have a lucky escape!!!!!!!

Friend my friend!

You are such a beautiful person! You and your daughter deserve the very best!

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

xoxo,
Friend

I really did ...i guess ....to me..it was gods way of saying..monica if you don't have it in you to save yourself from this..im going to do it for you!

Im very nervous to move...another city..no friends or family....but i have to do something about this...i can't handle this dissapointment anymore...i just want to be happy.

I need to work on me...maybe hitting the gym wouldn't be a bad idea...but i have to be ok with myself first in order to give my heart away to the right person that is...thank you for your reply..the advice and the confidence boost is something i can use right now..

you are absolutely right....so right...that verse is beautiful. Im trying to be strong. you know i am!

XOXO back at ya my friend!

Livelife...I am so happy and proud of you! A lot of women would love the opportunity to move to a new city with child in tow with a RAISE...YOU GO GIRL!! Feel good about yourself! Feel good for your child! This is MAJOR EXCITEMENT TIME! I know you are nervous and all, but baby do YOU...LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST! I know its been 4 years (mine was 2 years and I cried a river over things that didn't happen for us) so I know yours will be harder...but think about the words he says to you...the way he puts you down..do you want your child to hear those things? No...would you want your child to put up with a man like that? No...so neither should you!

Now does he live in the same city you are moving to?

its possible....

no thank god he doesn't. He lives in the city i am moving away from. Its not cross country or anything but still a start..

Live Life,

To answer your question this is mental abuse. Mental abuse sometimes comes from a place of insecurity in a man. But with my ex husband, it came from a place of anger. It sound like this is the case w/ your ex(?)bf(?) It is a very unhealthy and destructive way to express his feelings of anger.

My ex used to call me a bag lady because I shopped at the thrift stores. He told me I was ugly, but when I dressed in nice clothes and wore make-up I was after another guy. My career (that I love) was cr@p because I didn't make as much money as he did. I was lazy because I loved to read. I was a slob because I liked to keep pictures of my kids on the mantle. After hearing this for so many years you start believing it.

This will slowly and insidiously destroy every shred of self confidence and respect that you ever had for yourself. And then you will be too weak to walk away. God sent the opportunity for you to move and become independent. He also sent these terrible words to convince you to walk away while you were still strong enough to do so.

All I can say after 17 years of marriage....

RUN. RUN AWAY AS FAST AS YOU CAN. DO NOT CONTACT HIM. DO NOT ANSWER HIM. (and the girls know I hardly ever use caps.)

Be strong. You will be just fine! Distance (another city) is the best thing for you right now.

SZ

PS. I now have a 14 year old who is beginning to treat me as my ex did to get his way. He learned the behavior to adopt when he gets angry. Move on and find a guy that will not abuse you...at least to be a good example for your child.

Wow.....

Sounds like you have been through hell and back with this guy !

I am so proud of you for taking the new job and moving ! Like a previous poster said, women would be thrilled to have that kind of opportunity !

This guy sounds horrible and in my opinion you should have nothing to do with him. I would not respond to any of his attempts to contact you, or try to contact him in any way.

Good for you for staying strong !!!

Thank you Aimee...

Everyone seems to be saying I'm strong...but inside I still hurt ya know? I guess I'm trying. He has been in my life for a long time, so letting go isn't easy....there were good times...I mean he wasn't always bad..I guess there has to be a reason why I love him.

I'm going alone to a new city, so I am nervous. I really hope I'm making the right decision. I don't want to move to get away from him, I want to move because I want to make a better me. Stronger, smarter, all the above.........any tips on self confidence boosters?

Well if you dont trust him, then maybe this is for the best, because if you cant trust him, then how can you possibly have a life with him? trust is everything

Live Life,

I know exactly what you are saying. My situation was extreme, but I stayed 17 years and it didn't start out that way. Four years is a long time, but if he is abusive now (and sometimes the abuse is so subtle that you think it is you...read up on it) it will only get worse with time.

I had good times with my ex too. And yes, it hurt when I left and I did have a part of me that loved him. But the good was all part of the cycle. Nobody would stay with these men if it were all bad. Read up on controlling and abusive relationships and you will see the cycles in a clearer way.

Controlling and abusive men (or women) look for women (or men) with low self confidence. You are right, you need to boost your self confidence! There is a thread on here that lists lots of self confidence boosters.

SZ

You are doing really well but there are some simple tricks to accelerate the process of kick-starting your self-confidence.

1. It sounds kind of trite, but write down at least 50 things that you really like about yourself. No need for any false modesty, you don't need to share this list with anyone. Read it over and over again. It is a wonderful person, isn't it?

2. Stand tall, imagine that a rope is pulling the top of my head toward the sky, and the rest of my body straightens accordingly.

3. Groom yourself. This seems like such an obvious one, but it’s amazing how much of a difference a new hairdo, facial, manicure or even a nice bath can make in your feelings of self-confidence and for your self-image.

4. Dress nicely. A corollary of the item above; if you dress nicely, you’ll feel good about yourself. You’ll feel successful and presentable and ready to tackle the world. It doesn’t necessarily mean wearing an expensive outfit, but could mean casual clothes that are nice looking and presentable.

5. Change a small habit. Not necessarily a big one, like quitting smoking. Just a small one, like writing things down. Or waking up 10 minutes earlier. Or drinking a glass of water when you wake up. Or moisturising your body. Something small that you know you can do. Do it for a month. When you’ve accomplished it, you’ll feel like a million dollars.

6. Actively put out positive vibes to the world. Smile to the shop assistant, have a quick chat with the cleaner in the building, flirt with an elderly janitor. And you will see how the world smiles back at you and your self-confidence automatically goes up a notch.

7. Be kind and generous to others, and generous with yourself and your time and what you have, is a tremendous way to improve your self-image.

8. Volunteer. Related to the 'be kind and generous' item above, but more specific. It’s the holiday season right now, can you find the time to volunteer for a good cause, to spread some holiday cheer, to make the lives of others better? It’ll be some of the best time you’ve ever spent, and an amazing side benefit is that you’ll feel better about yourself, instantly.

9. Be grateful. Keep a gratitude journal, write down the smallest things like 'I am grateful that the sun is shining' to big ones like 'I am grateful for my beautiful child', it is a very humbling activity, very positive and rewarding that will improve your self-image.

10. Exercise. It is one of the easiest and most empowering activities that will make me feel so much better about myself.

11. De-clutter your space, it will clear your mind and instantly makes you feel better. If your space starts to get messy, and the world around you is in chaos, clearing off the clutter is your way of getting a little piece of your life under control. It is the calm in the centre of the storm around you.

12. Think positive. Again sounds trivial, but that is the absolute core of improving your self-confidence. It takes some work to turn the negative thoughts around into positive affirmations. You have to learn to be aware of your self-talk, the thoughts you have about yourself and what you’re doing. Recognise and challenge any negative thoughts in a matter of fact calm manner, keep it real, be consistent and do it actively until it gets natural and easy.

Just some thoughts, but it is a start.

The advice is making me feel better already. Those tips are awesome! Just reading them and picturing myself doing those activities made me feel a ray of hope!! Thank you for all your caring advice. I appreciate it so so much...every little bit helps...

Good!

I also hope that it helps a little that all women here are so happy, excited for you and more than anything proud of you. So you can wake up in the morning look into the mirror and tell yourself: 'I am an inspiration to all these women around the world!!!'

Not too shabby, eh? :)

Wise, you are such an inspiration! I just love your positive and very affirming responses on this site. On behalf of all the women here (me included), thank you!

:)

Life Life--I can't believe a guy would say stuff like that to you. Especially that stuff about finding your belly button? What kind of crap is that? I'm sure he has a perfect body, right?! Whatevers! What a jerk!

Thank God you are moving to a new city. He is probably angry that you're leaving, and so he calls you horrible names. It doesn't matter if you've known him for years and have trouble picturing your life without him. Guess how it will probably be without him? Much happier! I have plenty of guys I've known for years that are total d-bags. It doesn't matter how familiar I am with them, they are still d-bags that I wouldn't touch with a 20-foot-pole.

Enjoy your new life in a new city - a fresh start!

Live Life said:

"Everyone seems to be saying I'm strong...but inside I still hurt ya know?"

That's really the definition of strong...to keep moving forward when you're hurting inside...to NOT let the pain stop you. You're going to do just fine!

LiveLife,

Think of the hurt as "growing pains"...that's exactly what they are...think of the pain you endured to give birth to your beautiful child...it was so well worth it..and the pain itself is just a memory now...you no longer feel it...you know you had it; know it hurt like h&ll, just a memory.

Higher consciousness/transformation time is in the works f/ you..embrace, anticipate...NO FEAR! The universe is providing.

Live Life,
It takes so much courage for you to do what you are doing!
I hope you realize that not everyone would have the courage to pick up their life, a young child and move to a strange town. Not only are you leaving the familiarity of your home, your friends, your coworkers, but also leaving behind a man that you have feelings for.

Most women I know would not have the courage to do even ONE of those things, much less all of them at once!!! (Mind you.....I am NOT talking about the women here....they are exceptional)

Please know this. When you have a moment where you feel scared or down or alone....remind yourself of how strong you are.

Bigger and better things await you.
This man does not deserve you!

xoxo
'nuts'

Oh, wow, LiveLife, I am so inspired by your wonderful move!

Thank goodness you are getting away from this horrible man, he has serious issues and speaking as a woman who suffered nearly 20 years in an abusive marriage, I know he would have only got worse.

You and your child will be much better without him.

It may feel quite a challenge now, but in a very short time you will look back and be so glad that you did this.

I am so grateful to you for posting this here as it has helped me feel stronger about my situation.

Wishing you all the best!

YOU ALL ARE BEAUTIFUL. I GUESS DIDN'T REALIZE I THE STRENGTH I SEEM TO BE GETTING FROM SOMEWHERE DEEP INSIDE OF ME!!! THANKS TO ALL OF YOU...

He is desperately trying......begging me to BRING HIM W ME! No i have had no communication with him...this has been through subject lines of his emails..i think he knows i am not opening them. For once is he the vulnerable one? Not that I care. I want this to be about me and my daughter now.

REST ASURE LADIES MY MIND HAS NOT CHANGED.

Good for you Sweetie. I am always amazed at how one's outlook can change from the beginning of a thread to the end when you have 50 pairs of eyes from total strangers all over the world looking at your problem.

Good luck and keep us posted.