im a mess, and dont know what to do
Sat Oct 31 2009 - 12:48 pm
i need some advice here, which is difficult as i appreciate no-one can ever fully know a situation.
i am 27, almost 28.
i have been involved with a man, 27 also for a long time. although we are not together right now, we have been on and off for about 8 years- all the time i have been at college in another state and coming home for holidays.
we both dated others whilst i was studying, and when we were both single and i was holidaying back home, we got together. we had both said a LDR would kill us as we both need someone around us and that whatever happened, happened. we continued to speak, pretty much every day for 8 years, have "dates" (we would put the same film on at night at the same time despite being 800 miles away from eachother and be on the phone throughout it) and were good friends nay- more than friends but not in a relationship. you get the idea.
this last year and a half, we have been going through a period of strain to say the least. we both hated me being away but now im finished and living back at home, it seems (to me at least) that the arguements are one after the other. we havent been intimate in the time i have been back and he has had 2 short term (2-4 month) relationships in that period, which is fine, im slightly jealous, but happy for him if thats what he wants and ok with it as i have been throughout the years ive not been here.
i dont know. i guess i had this romantic idea that when i come back, we will finally be together and everything will be hunkydory.... not so.
we have been more distant with eachother over this time, than ever before.
we had an arguement in may last year as i was coming home, and there was still tension between us from that when we had our second argement in october. we didnt speak again until janurary, and things didnt start feeling ok between us until feb. we slowly started spending more time with eachother and were getting back to "normal", (hanging out, speaking regularly etc) when we had another arguement 2 months ago which that died down quickly and was followed by another last month.
im at my wits end.
i love him. i would do anything to make this work if i only knew WHAT!. people ive asked advice off of, ask me if i can see a future with him.... i say YES. i can see myself marrying him, and having his children and being happy. he isnt perfect, but i accept him and his faults and love him despite them.
the problem is, i am very aware that he has been the comfounding man in my life for this whole time... the others i have dated i fell "in love/lust" with, but never loved. they were short relationships, just as his seem to have been over this period.
i guess i know that my feelings for him held me back from giving myself to another man fully/ loving them fully. or maybe they were just plain wrong for me.
i cant go on like this though, and i know that. trying to talk to him about this just ends in me hitting a brick wall head on. he doesnt want to talk about it. just expects us to apologise and things be ok. well they are not.
as i said, im 27/28. every woman knows what this means. i have to think about myself and what i ultimately want- a family. then i have decide to stay or go based on a gamble of if this situation will ever improve, and if i am doing the right thing by trying to improve it. i dont want to miss out on having kids. i know id make a great mother and cant see kids not being in my future. i just dont know if trying to make things work with the man i love is the right thing to do.
this may sound utterly STUPID, but i had my had read when i was little (12) by a family members friend id never met. i remember her telling me that i would experience a life changing event around 20 and would have a period of ill health that lasted from around 15-16 for about 10 years. when i was 16 i was in a very serious car accident, and have had operations yearly since to reconstruct my pelvis, leg and arms. my father died 2 weeks before my 21st birthday and it changed my outlook on life completely...... some might say coincidence..... i say i dont know.
this person visited again last year- she lives overseas. and read my palm again- she said on my right hand- the emotional side (what you want and desire in life) she saw 2 kids- (ive always wanted a boy and a girl. one of each). but on my left hand- the hand that your life is supposed to follow- she saw no children. she also said she saw a long standing relationship that started when i was around 20 and will continue throughout my life, (i met the above when i was 18 and we were both instantly attracted, though it took years of flirting to get moving) however that there will be another relationship running along side this from my 30's onward. when i asked if she meant love relationships, she said that she didnt know, but these relationships have a huge impact in my life no matter what type they are and as that is the case i should be wary of having an affair....affairs i dont condone and cant see myself doing, but you never know whats going to change.
i know its pathetic to beleive anything like this, but some part of me does. and that makes me very unsettled. i dont want to waste years trying with someone who it may not work out with, and sacrifice having kids by doing exactly that, but love him so much i feel i need to try and make this work at the same time.
if anyone can help me or give me some advice/ insight, please reply
Sat Oct 31 2009 - 01:25 pm
#2
thank you for answering,
as i said this past year has been difficult, we have been distant with eachother and for that reason i have to answer no, he isnt acting as if he loves me right now. hasnt since our arguement before i left college. things have been strained and i have hated it. he has showed huge signs of jealously in this time though when i have been talking about male friends of mine, and when he has seen me interacting with males out and about. his hugs hello and goodbye still are filled with the same warmth they always were, and he has opened up a couple of times over this period when we have had long chats and told me how much he has missed me and "this" as in the hanging out spending time talking etc as we used to do all the time. then he would clam up sraight away again. ive needed him a couple of times and he has been there, though ive sensed him keeping a distance where he normally would have been closer. maybe this is him being there as a close friend and not wanting more. i dont know.
i know i am scared. ive had a happy situation with this man for 8 years, but always wanted more when it was impossible to have it. now there is not 800 miles between us, im scared of getting involved with him and c*cking up so badly that i loose him forever. maybe it has all been fantasy and moving home has brought that into reality. i really dont know.
my gut says he is confused. still loves me but the years of this have taken its toll and when faced with things, he is scared as the past,waiting, missing, some of the arguements, are just too much to deal with and things have gotten complicated-(even though they are uncomplicated by no distance). i think he is feeling how i am to be honest, that this is not working right now, and it is draining. that its gone on too long and he doesnt know if he wants to stay with it or go. but i really dont know.
at the moment it is me who is doing most of the contacting following this last arguement. he has been distant and even said he cant do this anymore. ive been trying to remedy this and make things ok. which hasnt worked. it has been 50/50 most of the year up to this point.
before this, i can say yes he did act as if he loved me. he was contacting me continuously whilst i was away and sharing all his news/ views, everything with me. as was i. when i was home he was spending time with me, we were going out and about doing things socially or staying in for the night. its never been just about sex with us. we spoke about how difficult it was wanting to be with eachother but not being able to be around eachother, and he made sure to tell me how much he missed me each time. we did argue when i was back, but the distance seemed to be the underlying factor each time- having to work to a timescale each time i was visiting.
there really is too much to go into to cover how he has made me feel over 8 years, but needless to say i have felt loved by him, but having been so far away from him, and not with him over this time, i know i havent had "full love" from him nor has he from me..... does that make sense?!?
a part of me wants to go back to college as things seemed better between us when i was there and coming back for a couple of months over summer and over easter and xmas.
Sat Oct 31 2009 - 01:46 pm
#3
OK, it is complicated, but let's make it real simple. I would imagine you have read DWD. If you have not, please do. As your relationship has been so complicated far, start treating it as if you had just met. Press the reset button! Let him initiate all the contact, chase you for a change and see if he starts to treat this relationship differently. Give it some time. If it doesn't work in x months (give yourself, not him, some timeline), make a choice to move on from him. You don't want this to drag on for ever. My opinion is that if you play it right, you can still turn it around and end up with the man you love. If not, you will close this chapter of your life and start afresh and find a man and give him all your love without holding on to your past.
I wish you all the best of luck!
Sat Oct 31 2009 - 02:07 pm
#4
thank you wise, you have given me some very sensible advice. i have read DWD and am trying to change my ways and live drama free but it is very hard! he is a bit of a drama addict himself, this last arguement was over nothing substantial at all, he couldnt meet me when he said he would but he had known that all day, and when i said i would have appreciated a bit more notice as i am already on my way to meet you like we planned and thats not good for me, it ended in a full blown arguement with him saying i was being out of order. at the moment he is not talking to me, ive had 2 responses through texts and they were very brief. ive tried talking sense into him but its not getting anywhere.
il take your advice and not contact him though i desperately want to call him - (ive only been texting so far as he told me to leave him alone and not call 4 weeks ago) and see if this can be remedied as it seemed so over the top!
can i just ask, would you give yourself x months to see if things improve, or work out to be in a relationship?
and if you were in my shoes, how long would you give yourself in each of these cases..... i know they are person specific, but id appreciate your opinion?
Sat Oct 31 2009 - 02:35 pm
#5
I personally would give myself maybe 6 months or up to a year to see whether there is any positive change in your relationship.It really depends, if once you don't contact him at all, all communication dies down, you have your answer and you will not need to wait for that long.
It will be your stress test widely used in medical field :).
Sat Oct 31 2009 - 03:06 pm
#6
that makes sense, thanks.
i just have to be strong enough not to contact him now.
xxx
Fri Nov 13 2009 - 07:29 am
#7
ive been keeping my end of the bargain and not contacting him at all.
last night i was worried about today as it has a special emaning for the both of us. some people have songs, we have the friday 13th films and hence the day has meaning too.
its been a ritual of ours to watch the films each friday 13th although we have not been together watching them. we had discussed watching the films together for this date a few months ago, and i knew today would be hard to resist contact. i prepared myself last night and asked a friends to be on standby if i needed to vent to stop myself contacting him.
low and behold this morning i get a text... the first contact initiated by him since the last arguement over 7 weeks ago saying "happy friday 13th".
im happy. it means he is also thinking about me today and i guess this is his way of letting me know we are ok but he needs space? or not?
i sent him a message back saying "you too hon x". a bit upset i havent heard back, or that there wasnt a "x" on the end of his message, but i cant ask for everything can i. the sheer fact he has contacted me after telling me he wants nothing more to do with me when he was angry says alot i think.
any comments welcomed.
xx
Fri Nov 13 2009 - 08:09 am
#8
"i dont know. i guess i had this romantic idea that when i come back, we will finally be together and everything will be hunkydory.... not so.
we have been more distant with eachother over this time, than ever before."
Purps, in your own words..YOU had the romantic idea, and being a pro-active woman, you're of the mind that YOU can make it work out, if you work hard enough at it...puts you in the position of being the "Convincer" (and him as "Resistor") re: Christian Carter. You've set up this expectation f/ yourself, he doesn't share it. Sucks, but true. Don't wear yourself out "trying" to make it work. I know f/ whence I speak. Try to release any expectations and just "let it be"
Go w/ the flow. Sounds like he is in essence, a very dear friend and touchstone in your life. But "let" the planets align on their own, go w/ the flow...be open. Don't try and force your own agenda. If he's truly your "one and ONLY", it'll manifest naturally. What we want deep in our li'l hearts ain't always whats best f/ us...but we have a tendency to put our blinders on and try to force it to work out that way. Let go and trust in the process...all things work our f the best if we just "let" them...I know...I'm a prime offender when it comes to "trying" to make it work...you nuture something and then put the expectation out there that it should work out a certain way because you have pre-conceived notions of it...if you can let go and make your expectation to "expect the "un"-expected...then all things work out f/ the best. Say this prayer/affirmation, "this or something better f/ the greater good of all concerned" and then strive to internalize it. RELAX!
"i dont want to waste years trying with someone who it may not work out with, and sacrifice having kids by doing exactly that, but love him so much i feel i need to try and make this work at the same time."
Again, don't "try", just let it be. Don't waste those years trying. Again, I know f/ whenst I speak...I did exactly that and had closed myself off f/ other possibilities that the universe had continually presented m/with.
"Denial" is a long and arduous river. At the end is a barren desert. "Acceptance" is an ocean of opportunity that lends itself unto many unimaginably fullfilling adventures and beautiful vistas.
Your choice. Row like h$ll and leave yourself exhausted w/ naught to show f/ it, or set your sails, go w/ the flow, and enjoy the ride. It's all in the journey, luv!
A lot of different issues here! I would put some of these (your urgency to have a family and your confusion with regard to the palm reading) aside for just a minute and focus on only one. Your relationship with this particular man.
Please give more information on your relationship with him. How are things at the moment? Who contacts whom? Is there anything in his behaviour that suggests that he loves you? Not as a close friend, but in a way you want to be loved? Be brutally honest to yourself when answering. If he does not show the signs of being interested in a relationship, the all the talking in the world, won't make him want to commit to you. If it is just a friendship, you have to accept it and go into no contact at least for a while to help you move on and really really move on so you can find what you are really looking for.