If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me???
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 05:42 am
Well I have been with my boyfriend for 5 months now and it has all been great however, there has been one blip, I messed up (bit of a misunderstanding and he was very insecure as a result), he took me back after we briefly split for a week. It then took two months to get back to a place where I felt we were both really happy in the relationship as he was distant with me due to lack of trust. I believe I have gained back his trust now though. Things are going well between us but recently I have been feeling insecure because before me he was a huge player and never really settled with anyone just went out with lots and lots of girls etc. It for some reason is now making me anxious that he is going to cheat on me. The other reason as to why I'm feeling insecure is that he isn't always very loving and doesn't tell me he loves me although he has said it a couple of times in the last month but once was during sex. He comes from a very different background to me, he was bought up in Kingston Jamiaca until he was in his 20's then moved to London, he's now 34. He has been in gangs and many fights growing up and didn't have hardly any love. He has scars on his head from his mother hitting him as a child. He says he finds it difficult to show love as he has never been around it before and he was brought up with a mentality of kill or be killed, he is very very tough but I know there is a very soft side to him as it has shown itself to me a few times in the five months we have been together. I show him lots of love and I can see how much he likes it but I wish he could show me more love as that is all it would take for me to stop feeling insecure sometimes. I have a very full and social life, a good job, car, house etc and I definitely don't focus just on the relationship so I know it is not that thats making me feel a little insecure, I know it is to do with being with someone so different from me and not getting the love, compliments etc and being made to feel special that I would like. Some advice on how I tackle this would be very very helpful. Thank you
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 09:55 am
You may very well be in for the ride of your life.
Human beings are creatures of habit. I don't know this man, nor can I judge him personally. I do know that people tend to fall into behavioral patterns. Someone with the background you have described may very well resent you for taking away his freedom, especially if you nag him to get him to be more emotional or open with you. This may take the form of him cheating on you, it may take the form of emotional or even physical abuse. He already has the scars to prove he was raised to believe that it's ok for people who love you to also strike you.
You may want to reconsider continuing in a relationship with someone who is from such a different worldview with a completely different set of experiences to guide him than you have grown up with. Having similar values is very important to maintain harmony in any relationship.
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 10:14 am
Hi Londongirl
I can see this from two sides.
On the one hand, one gets the impression from your post that this is in fact a decent guy who's simply had a tough life.
On the other hand, I have to agree with much of what Xpuffy has said. I was married for a decade to a man from a totally different background. With hindesight I now realise that I went into the relationship secretly hoping deep down that he would change certain things about himself. I wonder if deep down you are hoping the same?
It really comes across in your post how you like to be shown love/affection, and although on the surface this may seem like a minor point, it can actually be a major 'deal breaker'. For example, I was involved with a man who treated me well but showed me no affection or love whatsoever. Now I'm not the soppy kind who needs sweet nothings whispered in her ear every ten seconds, but I am tactile and a bit of a romantic, and after a while the total lack of affection started making me feel empty. This was one of my main reasons for ending the relationship.
In your situation there is no harm in giving it a go. He may indeed be the Bad Boy Come Good, if he doesn't cheat, he continues to make you happy and treat you well then great. But always bear in mind that although a person can change outwardly, there are certain things that can never change - including the ability (or lack of) to give or receive love. If you decide to stick with him, just be sure that you are sticking with the 'real' thing and not with the idea that you will change the things you don't like about him.
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 11:51 am
Thank you both Xhris and Smiler for your posts. I understand and realise that I must not try to change him or nag him for more attention at all as this will just push him away. However, not having someone tell me they love me etc on a regular basis is quite strange as all previous boyfriends have done that and shown me their love lots so I feel alittle bit in unfamiliar territory. I do know though that he cares about me as it comes out in other ways, for example yesterday I missed work because I have had a kidney infection and was feeling exhausted however, I should really have gone and I spent the whole day feeling terribly guilty and fretting about my job as I had been off ill over the summer as well and instead of reassuring me that it was fine and that it was ok to take the day off even if I shouldn't have done he actually got quite cross and said that when I have such a good job as I've got then I should really cherish it and work my hardest and not mess about and that he really really doesn't want to see me lose my job and he will be very annoyed with me if I let that happen. At first I was a bit put out that he wasn't sympathising with me and making me feel better about it but then on reflection I realised that it actually showed he really cared about me. There have been several other times when it has come out in funny ways like that, I just wish I knew how to let that be enough and to trust him and accept him the way he is. He certainly is very tactile sometimes when we are lying bed so I guess I just have to fully appreciate those moments. I do really really hope he doesnt cheat and I know I need to trust him but how do you do that when you know someone has been bad like that in their past?
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 05:19 pm
hoo boy...where to begin.
LG, you sound like a rescuer. Difference in background to me means different religious, socio-economic or racial differences. I don't want to judge this man because I don't know him of course. He may be a good guy, but he is scarred emotionally and physically. You are trying to save him. You can't. You can't change him. You can't fix him. He has a criminal background.
Has he put that completely behind him? Is he gainfully employed? Is his past going to rise up and bite you?
You don't say what happened that made him lose his trust in you. Nor do you say what he has done that is making you so insecure. But what I do get is that he is not the most stable guy in the world. I think that Mr Puffyfish hit it right on. He has massive issues that I would not take on myself in 10 million years. He may well be basically a good guy but he has to work these out by himself. If he is still involved with gangs, drugs or other criminal activity, you should really reconsider the attraction for you here.
He has already been taught as Xhris says that it is ok to hit someone you love.
Tread carefully and good luck
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 06:49 pm
LondonGirl,
You can "accept him the way he is", but YOU are the one who may not be happy and content later on, not having your basic needs met. Be realistic and fair to your own needs too.
The problem with learned bad behavior is that it is often what a person falls back on when the going gets tough. It's what they are comfortable with. Unfortunately, if he was bad before, you can almost expect he will be bad later.
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 06:57 pm
Does Mike Tyson ring a bell?
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 07:29 pm
I'm concerned that you appear to be walking on eggshells a bit around him. You're also in fear (for example, fear that he'll cheat). You say he does not give you the support or the attention you desire - at least all of the time. To my way of thinking, it would have been completely normal for a man to have looked after you and given you unconditional support when you were ill and worried about your job. I really don't like the sound of him berating you at this time. It comes across as him feeling you were causing him bother and putting him out when really, he needed to have given you comfort.
Frankly, these signs all worry me as they can - if allowed to continue, be signs of an emotionally abusive man. Given his background with gangs and violence, this also leads me to think "uh oh".
Just be careful! Notice the times you feel upset or feel unsafe, and particularly notice if the episodes of fear, insecurity or just plain feeling "bad", on your part increase. Also notice how often you make excuses for his behaviour. Certainly all of us need to compromise in a relationship, however when we constantly justify poor behaviour, this can be a sign we're being manipulated and controlled.
I certainly don't wish to alarm you, but I'd rather see you safe and aware. Getting in touch with how you feel, and noticing your emotions is always a good first step.
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 09:42 pm
Exactly my thoughts Trace...he comes across as controlling and it's all about his feelings, not hers and so much of a violent past, not to mention by the one person who should love and protect him...it's sad, but this man doesn't sound healthy or well balanced. I would fear his unpredictability when confronted with certain crises. He's in need of balance in his mind and spirit and you cannot give that to him. Be careful with this one.
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 09:43 pm
Trace, I believe some people actually do need to feel alarmed to grasp the point. She's too close to this situation and needs a bell to go off and you provided that for her. :)
Tue Nov 24 2009 - 07:31 am
Hey girls thanks for all your comments and your concern. It is amazing the support that I have felt from you all on here.
I am weary of my situation because I really do want to be happy. This man does make me happy and I love him but there are some things that I am concerned about hence why I started this thread. He has never treated me badly or spoken to me in a bad or rough way however, I have heard him speak to others badly. He knows that if he ever spoke to me like that I would not take it, I told him this after I overheard him speaking to someone disrespectfully on the phone the other day and I mentioned that if he ever spoke to me like that he wouldn't see me for dust!
To answer your question thetababe about what is making me insecure, I believe that it is his unusual living situation, he lives with his wife, they are not together and haven't been for 2 years. They have two children also. He lives with her because he is waiting for his residency to come through, he currently holds a visa and has to wait a year and a half for the residency. He has to live at that address with her. She is happy for this as he pays all her bills etc. She does know about me. He does come and stay with me quite alot and I love it when he does however I am definitely struggling with the fact he lives with his wife. It is making me insecure. I think though I would probably have to be superwoman not to feel insecure in some way about my boyfriend living with another woman like that.
We had a arguement on Sunday night and it was a horrible experience. I think it was mainly my fault, I told a small lie and then told the truth about 2 mins later. I gathered from the argument that we are actually both insecure in the relationship. He doesn't 100% trust me as and he gets quite jealous and I am insecure about his past and also his living situation. Apart from those things I would say the relationship is great, we have fun together etc. I want to know how we can get past these issues and for me to feel 100% secure and him too. Can anyone give me advice? Also I know some of you are concerned about perhaps my safety with a man like this but I do trust him never to be aggressive with me, the moment this changes then I know I have to re think things but at the moment I do feel safe with him.
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