i think i've made a decision
Tue Oct 20 2009 - 10:44 pm
I talked to my dad today. He's a guy, and he says the best thing to do is to just give a call, or e-mail and tell mr. unsocial exactly how I feel. I told him that other people say it's best to not call at all, and wait till he does, because then you'll know he'll be commited to trying. But the thing is, mr.unsocial WAS committed, he wants to find that special girl, he just didn't feel like he was special to me. He felt like he was just another guy. Maybe no contact will help commitment phobes and guys that just aren't sure, but not guys that want more.
My whole relationship I've listened to other people.
I was told to not get completely emotionally involved untill there was marriage (rori ray)
And then Bob grant says that sometimes marriages don't work out because women do just that, they keep semi-closed and then they open up completely once married, and it freaks the guy out.
I was told never to say 'i love you' first
I was told to lay down the boundaries. which is important, but one time when he didn't phone (because he actidently just fell asleep), I figured: okay, time to lay down the bounderies. And told him I was dissapointed in him. Which really bothered him. (Bob grant)
I was told to, if something bothered me, to deal with it right away, not keep it inside (which I agree with in a way), but he was quiet for 5 days (after I had told him I was dissapointed in him) and I used I feel messages "I feel lonely, I feel disconnected, is there something I need to know? (Bob Grant). He said 'nothing' but then said he 'might' come over on the weekend. which is so unlike him, he always comes over. Bob grant tells me to deel with it right away, so I phoned again, to talk to him about what was bothering him which let to him breaking up with me when I said "if this isn't the relationship you want, then either move here or maybe I'm not the right girl for you" (matt hutson). I feel that I made a bunch of mistakes due to listening to other people
now some sources say if you want to reconsile, to NC for four weeks, and then contact, hang out, build attraction, get together again. But also to stay tough and pretend you're completely over him.
other sources say to never contact at all. which, then I figure, I will definetly lose him. Why would he go back to a girl that he thinks doesn't wants to be with him forever?
I heard a story once (from one Paige, Mirabelle, or one of them anyway) that said that deep down inside guys do want to find that girl that he wants to be with forever, they do want to be loved, ect. Anway, the story was about a girl and a guy. The girl never said she loved him, and didn't really act like it either, but she did love him. Then the ex-gf shows up, tells the guy that she loves him and wants to try again. And he leaves the girl for the ex, because that's what he wants, to be loved.
Now many ppl tell me that NC is the best route, which maybe for a while, get him to miss me. But I think I have to tell him how I feel. The reason he didn't want to move here, is because he's scared that two years from now, I'll just pick up my things and leave. Maybe for once, I should not try to be tough. Maybe for once I shouldn't listen to what other ppl say. Maybe it won't help bringing him back, but never contacting him again won't either. Maybe it is a big mistake, but then I'll learn that myself. I won't be wondering 'what if'. The way I see it, never contacting him won't bring him back. (that might work for guys that are afraid of commitment) so if not contacting him, won't bring him back, then what do I have to lose?... If it doesn't work I might be more of a mess, but I'm strong, I'll get over it. At least I will know FOR SURE contacting him did not work. I'll make my own mistakes for a change, instead of being to afraid to make them. And who knows, maybe it won't be a mistake. Maybe that just what he wants, to be loved...
I know everyone will disagree lol, but I've got nothing to lose, because I've lost him already. I'll wait a week or so, just so I know for sure. Just so I know if I'll still feel the same once my emotions are under control. But they were under control, untill dad said maybe I should just contact him and tell him how I feel. I've never taken advice from a guy. (except the relationship experts ofcourse lol, but they contradict eachother once in a while anyway. who is right, no-one knows for sure) so maybe since I'm dealing with a guy, listening to advice from a guy won't be such a bad thing. because that's what I actually want to do, tell him how I feel, open up to him...
Tue Oct 20 2009 - 11:59 pm
Dear mr. unsocial
I want to write you an honest letter about how I feel about you. No more me trying to be tough. I am in love with you. I don’t want to be without you for another day. I can, if I have to, but I don’t want to. I miss you so much and have never felt so lonely. Not even when my first boyfriend broke up with me. No, I don’t think just giving up on the relationship was for the best, I was trying to be tough lol. But I don’t feel so tough anymore, I want to be open with you. I cannot change things, if I quite school, I would be unhappy, because I don’t want to work at McDonalds for the rest of my life. I know going back to the way things were won’t work out. So what I’m asking you is to move here.
I wouldn’t ask you that if you are happy in 100 Mile House and want to stay there for the rest of your life. Then I would just suck it up and move on. But I know you want to change, meet new people, and get away from 100 Mile House. I’ll be able to be there so much more for you. I want to be there for you! I’m not asking you to quite your job, but do what you wanted to do 7 months ago, for a girl you hardly knew. Live here for 4 days and in 100 Mile House for 3 days.
This is not a 'whole mountain' but part of a mountain, little steps (learned this psychological trick from someone, same with training animals, little steps). this way i'm sticking with my bounderies, he's still the one that has to change. but at the same time i'm telling him that I want to be with him.
Wed Oct 21 2009 - 12:33 am
Crazy,
I have gone through the exact same thoughts. I even talked to other men and they wonder why I don't contact my ex and talk things through.
My issue arose when I quit working full time, went back to school and caused challenges with potential cohabitational arrangements.
You are right.
It is difficult to know what to do. I think some of the advice in the books are good. I think using too much of that advice causes confusion and inhibits us from expressing our true feelings appropriately, thus causing issues (perhaps).
I am on day 50 NC. Still totally floored that the man that pursued me so relentlessly, supposedly loved me, who was so dependable for almost 2 years, has made no attempt to contact me. I still cannot believe this has happened, even now.
I have had plenty of time to reflect about him and myself. I have been thinking of writing something that I will not rush through. Maybe I will eventually send a letter, maybe not.
Anyway......despite what you think, or I think, our relationships are broken for a reason.
I remind myself this time is for me. To get centered again. Think clearly as to what I want. That is really the point of NC.
What we do with the time is a personal decision (contact? no contact?). My guy was a sensitive type. However, he is also a determined man that pursues what he wants. So, I have chosen not to contact, even though I wonder if the sensitive part of his personality is scared of rejection.
For now, for me, I believe that NC is important.
Wed Oct 21 2009 - 02:01 am
lol, my guy is sensitive too. and doesn't always pursue. and we can turn the tables too, he can think the same thing, 'why has she not contacted me?'
he said the first few months, he wasn't even sure i liked him. i don't know if i'm gonna do it yet. maybe it is for the best. he's 28 and i'm 20. he says there is so much more out there for me. he just wants to settle down. but i want that too (THATS why my first bf left me :s). lots of ppl in my class are married. he's just gotten fustrated with living so far away.
anyway, i'm sleeping over it for a whole week. i made a promise to myself not to send it for a whole week.
but still, what do i have to lose. i lost him already, so the letter might get him to move mountains for me. who knows. if not, then i know he won't. there will be no 'what ifs'
you're right though, the relationship is broken for a reason. the sex wasn't great, he loves laying on the beach suntanning and shopping, whereas i hate both. yet we both love country music, dancing, 4x4ing, horsebackriding, quatting, and fishing, so we do have quite a few things in common lol.
I'll think more. not sending it yet lol
Wed Oct 21 2009 - 04:50 am
Horsecrazy,
If you want him to will have to accept him the way he is. Remember you will not be able to change anything about him.
Can you accept that?
That is the question either you want him or you dont.
If you do then write him the letter but be careful you could end up back on here if you dont accept him the way he is and it will have just been wasted time for you but maybe you will feel clearer in moving on.
Good luck.
Wed Oct 21 2009 - 06:38 am
Horsecrazy,
I too wish you luck, in the end you have to do what is right for you. I also went through all of those emotions and that thought process. I did as you are going to do, I wrote the most heart felt letter of a lifetime. I hope it goes better for you than it did for me. It backfired in my case. I regret the day I ever sent it. I am not trying to rain on your parade, but I too kept a lot inside and opened up too late. I hope it works for you, but be prepared for anything. I think your guy needs time to work on himself, make new friends, learn to let others in. When a person goes on a journey like this, often it is a journey best taken alone. Have you ever thought about do you love him enough to be selfless and let him go? Just a thought. YOur guy has been through a lot. He has healing to do as well. He has to work on himself, he is not whole at the moment and may not be able to love you in a healthy way yet. Timing is everything. We never know what the future holds. If it does not work for you now, somewhere down the road when he has grown and healed your paths may cross again.
Wed Oct 21 2009 - 09:37 am
I do accept him the way he is. i've never tried to change him except for him moving closer, which he wanted to do anyway.
I think your guy needs time to work on himself, make new friends, learn to let others in. When a person goes on a journey like this, often it is a journey best taken alone
that's the reason i decided to wait a week. that's the thing i'm not totally sure about. he was lonely, decided to have a gf to open up to, to change, because he wanted to do something different. he said 'i don't need friends, i have horsecrazy to go fishing with and hang out with'. i wasn't able to be there enough, and now he's decided he needs friends, lots of them. and he decided he can't have a gf in the process because he can't just go up to strange girls and guys (especially girls) when he has a gf. i don't really care though, if he wants to make friends he can. i want him to! lol
well, i can either get a yes or no answer. the no answer wouldn't hurt too bad i figure. and if it hurts more it's usually easier to get over lol. and if he says 'yes, i'll move' then i think we can do it... but like i said, i'll think more lol
Wed Oct 21 2009 - 09:41 am
hey robin, how did it backfire for you? did he agree and then said no later, or did he just say no right away?
Wed Oct 21 2009 - 11:16 am
I think I am having difficulty in making contact because that would open the wound for me if I was disregarded. I am still too vulnerable.
I hope No Show is miserable. Isn't that terrible?
The good thing is, I have lost just about all the weight I gained while dating him. I cooked man food, we drank, we ate (not so healthy food) and I plumped up 15 lbs. Now I am down 11-12 lbs which is sigmificant on my small frame.
When he sees me (if he sees me), He is going to think "Wow" she looks good. By then I may not care for him the same way anymore.
Wed Oct 21 2009 - 11:42 am
No, Sophie, that it isn't terrible to hope that No Show is miserable.
To tell you the truth, swiss miss is so private that when he broke my heart I came to this public forum and I wanted to expose all that secrecy he has.
I never ever wanted to contact the "wife". I never spoke badly about him to any of my friends. BUT being so vague and cryptic has hurt me.
So, naturally, I wanted to hurt him back.
It's quite normal. But I am not a spiteful person and I would never invade his privacy. That's why I know that he'll be back.
His wife did a background search on him and he almost lost his house,
He said the relationship was already over when he dated another woman for a year. he waited six years before he contacted me.
At first, there was a reconnection. Then, a bond and then boy, oh boy, he fell in love with me all over again. It was fantastic!
We fit together perfectly and then he got SCARED! Dumba$$.
So, now he's lost me. I'm not going down that road again unless he MOVES MOUNTAINS. I don't have that kind of time.
Whether he knows it or not, he decided not to give his heart to anyone. So be it. Be alone, (moron).
Auds
xoxox
Wed Oct 21 2009 - 12:53 pm
I really don't know why it back fired on me horsecrazy. We had already broken up, he had told me he was not ready for the kind of relationship I wanted. He had to work on his own happiness. I sent an email that exposed my entire soul to him and he reacted very cruel. It was like a slap, especially since 3 days prior he told me he still loved me, was in love and would always love me. Whatever. I guess he liked the tough girl with the walls up better. Who knows? And luckily I don't care anymore. I love me way more than he hurt me. I am done, finished, and don't even miss him anymore. Boy did he loose a good woman, poor baby.
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