I think I have messed up!
Tue Nov 10 2009 - 11:28 am
This probably sounds a little crazy but now I have lost my boyfriend I really feel as if I have lost my chance and messed up big time!
We were together for nearly 2 years and I hadn’t had a steady boyfriend for sometime. He treated me well and would do all he could to help me in any way. I liked and fancied him but wanted to take it slowly to see how it went. However, he fell madly in love with me from day 1, and came on too strong which made me keep him at arms length.
Another problem was that there were lots of things I didn’t like about him; he was massively insecure, needing constant reassurance all the time, and was constantly questioning me the whole time which I found draining and irritating. He was also very bigoted and narrow-minded, e.g. after telling him about my last relationship before him (which was a casual one that lasted 6 months where we both chose to see each other every couple of weeks and were happy with that), he said it was disgusting and how could I sleep with someone I only saw every 2 weeks and how could I live with myself. As far as I was concerned he didn’t seem to accept me for who I was. He was also jealous and possessive, always accusing me of looking at other men, which I wasn’t! I always had this feeling that he is a bit unstable, particularly when he started drinking, as the slightest thing would make him lose his temper, but he said I was the one who made him the way he is and he has never been like it with a woman before. I also felt too wary to go on holiday with him in case we were abroad somewhere and he had a tantrum over something he thought I had done and left me stranded somewhere.
As time wore on though, he understandably got fed up with it all as he wanted to move the relationship forward, and tried to walk away several times but always came back because he loved me. I also ended it many times as he once hit a male friend of mine who he was jealous about, and I thought this was unacceptable behaviour. In the end he started treating me badly which he had never done before, and he did walk away a few weeks ago, this time for good. The problem is that I feel very guilty because I knew how he felt about me, although I never led him on though or pretended I was in love with him. I also feel bad that I may have made him act the way he did.
He has contacted me since the split wanting to stay in touch as friends and he has been really nice, wishing me luck with an important meeting and asking how it went afterwards. We seem to get on better now we have split which is totally confusing me and my feelings! I can tell he is still very fond of me as I am of him.
I am now very upset, I miss him loads and realize I did think a lot more of him than I realized, and that if I had made more effort from the start he may not have acted like he did. My friends don’t agree and think he is a control freak with a nasty spiteful side and I am well shot of him and none of them liked him when the met him.
However, I can’t seem to move on in my head because I just wish I could give it a proper try with him to see if it works but I don’t think he will ever do that, as he said when we split up that he can’t put the past behind him like I can. I wish I could turn the clock back. I am not strong enough yet to do the NC as it is too recent.
Can anyone help me get my head round the fact that I have probably messed up the chance of a great relationship with this guy.
Tue Nov 10 2009 - 11:46 am
Okay, LaraLee (beautiful name, btw)...I'm waiting to hear what part of the relationship makes this guy a prince charming....sounds more like a prince harming to me at this point.
Hang in there girl...you are just experiencing the initial shock of all of those hurting/confused feelings and emotions. Read through some of the No Contact and other breakup threads...if at all possible, it would be best for you and your now breaking heart to go into full NO CONTACT mode to allow yourself some time and distance to not react from an emotional place and further damage your already aching sense of self esteem...trust me, I know from whenst I speak and I initially did it all wrong and it ended up taking me longer to get clear of what's really going on.
in your post you said, "I also feel bad that I made him act the way he did.." He may have been reacting, but he certainly wasn't acting...we can't make anyone do or not do anything...they own their own feelings and actions...
In the past I've been w/ these jealous, needy types...it only serves to wear you down and make you feel worse in the end the longer you stay in it.
I know that's not what you want to hear right now because it's all too fresh and you're still in a world of hurt, but it's gospel truth.
Soon enough, you will reach that point of acceptance. Give yourself time and space to get there..it's a process, not an event!
ps-right now YOU are re-acting, not acting. Nurture yourself. As hard as it is to do right now, take a step back.
Smerk ;}
Tue Nov 10 2009 - 11:50 am
You cannot imagine how helpful I find your story. I had an identical situation, he is madly in love with me, but very insecure, jealous, possessive and controlling. I broke up with him quite a few months ago and have not found a new relationship.
The weather is very gloomy and I was just thinking: 'Oh, he loved me so much, I should have tried a bit harder to make it work, blah-blah'. And then bang, I read your story and I could have written it myself. I realise, wow, it was SO good that I broke up with him: he is an angry, controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive, insecure, clingy, needy person and I am so lucky that I got out of it.
LaraLee, you DID NOT mess up your chance of a great relationship, on the contrary you gave yourself a chance by breaking up with him!!!
It is funny, how much clearer everything looks when it doesn't happen to us. Even if it is EXACTLY the same.
Tue Nov 10 2009 - 12:05 pm
Well said, wise. I've found myself on numerous occasions reminiscing about Mr. Wonderful (not) and the good times, etc.etc.
Luckily, I'm getting better at re-framing it and recognizing it f/ what it is. It's like breaking a bad habit...sure there were good times, etc. but in the end he wasn't fullfilling my wants/needs and it ended up being a big drain on me.
The reason we go on these li'l trips down memory lane is because we need to fill up those seemingly empty places where we used to do things w/him and give ourselves the gift of exploring activities that we truly enjoy to fill in those gaps. Also, it's a form of justification to assuage our tender little egos and justify/rationalize why we stuck it out in the first place. Don't want to look/feel like an Ejit.
That being said, take the relationship f/ the gift that it was and leave it in a place of love where you found it. Take the real gifts that you gained from it, not the li'l fun moments, etc., but the personal growth and realization that deep in your heart you know you deserve better and underneath it all, you're not willing to settle f/ crumbs. Take it as the eye-opener that you know you are an amazing woman and deserve the very best that a quality man has to offer, knowing deep in your heart, if you continue to chase after the crumbs, that's all you're going to continue to get. If we keep doing the same thing the same way, we get the SAME results. Stop walking up to that hole, you'll fall in every time. Climb out and walk around!
I've framed my angst in his moving on to another woman almost immediately after walking away f/ me this way:
If he can't handle a woman of substance such as myself (and obviously he couldn't, poor b*st*rd, then he can go right on and chase whatever boozy floozy he choozy! He he!
Wed Nov 11 2009 - 11:24 am
Laralee, you know i'm gonna jump in on this one...hehehe.
CONTROL FREAK, MASSIVELY INSECURE AND JEALOUS...and a few more red flags, eh?
Where in all this did you feel that he treated you well...EXACTLY!?!
Your friends saw it! Don't let that ego of yours get the better of you.
Every single indiviual has good sides. YES.
Honor yourself for seeing that in him.
This man has issues. We all do. This man was trying to change you.
He is not allowed to do that. He cannot do that; it doesn't work that way.
This man needs to control and change himself. That's all he's allowed to do.
------
I have a neighbor, a man who is into scientology. Hmmm!
He is smart, handy...blah..blah...blah... A CONTROL FREAK and is with a woman who has low self-esteem. She will never get away from this man.
I entered the picture when I needed his help to restore my storm door. He was a great conversationalist and we (me and my elderly tenants) praised him:) he deserved it.
THEN (ta-da) I saw that he was flirty with me:)))
He told me to call him and I SAID i don't call ANY man.
Boy, did he like that challenge...
I sensed the control issue IMMEDIATELY when I met this fiance of his.
RED-FLAG-RED-FLAG-RED-FLAG...Call the ER!!!
-----------
LaraLee,
He has an anger issue that he cannot resolve. That anger feeds him and wants to feed you...
GOOD GIRL that you got away from that - The Universe always has your best interest in mind:)
Auds
xoxox
Thu Nov 12 2009 - 06:25 pm
Hi Audrey,
It's wet and rainy in London right now, but your comment has cheered me up a lot. This guy does have anger issues that he brought into the relationship, and as you say, why should any man want to change me; no-one else does, my friends and family like me for who I am. If they don't then that's up to them!
A male friend of mine said he sounds like a 'bully' which, after I thought about it, he actually is. If he was happy about the way I was treating him or doing things the way he wanted then he would treat me really nice, otherwise he would lose his temper, storm off, or start insulting me.
As an example, I run a small business, which although does not make much money, is what drives me and is important to me. Shortly before we split up my ex said that I was 'too dopey and dizzy to run a business' which was so insulting! I thought how dare he say that! He wanted to put me down at every opportunity.
Yes he did think a lot more of me in the beginning, but I never led him on and if he was that unhappy he should have left the relationship.
This was definitely a 'dating WITH drama' relationship!
You are right, it is my ego driving me now, wanting him to contact me to ask me back so I can feel better about myself. He did that so many times but this time he is staying away. He sent a text a couple of weeks ago saying 'it was going no-where' which is precisely what it was!
I feel sorry for your neighbour, hope she finds the courage one day to leave.
Thu Nov 12 2009 - 06:48 pm
Hi Wise,
Sorry you went through a similar situation,all those things you desribe about your ex (controlling, manipulative, emotionally abusive, insecure, clingy, needy, etc.) is exactly what my ex was like.
Just like you said, the weather is gloomy and miserable here, and at certain times, particularly on a Sunday, I think back and wish things could have been different. However, I console myself that even if I had fallen madly in love with him from day 1, he would have still had those characteristics and made my self-esteem (which can be fragile at the best of times) even lower. My friends are all amazed that I stayed with him so long. The sad fact is that I didn't want to be alone, and even though the relationship wasn't good most of the time, I still miss certain aspects of him.
Hope you meet someone nice soon.
Thu Nov 12 2009 - 07:29 pm
Hi LaraLee,
Thanks! I hope you will meet someone really nice soon too. But not before you have built up your self-esteem to make sure you won't fall in the same trap again.
I have worked really hard on that, read really good books, done counseling and neuro-linguistic programming. And though I have my moments (like just before I read your post the other day), I am in a good place.
Smile, LaraLee! Very good things will happen to you, you'll see!!!
Sun Nov 15 2009 - 03:16 pm
Ha! Lara:
"'too dopey and dizzy to run a business'
Dopey dizzy Lara Lee???
When i make money, don't run to me.
He's a stup!d id!ot... the garden variety kind, Lara. Pffft!
Go to Claire's and get yourself a tiara!
Auds
xoxox
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 10:37 am
Ladies, I am having a bad couple of days, can anyone help me here?
I have been feeling a bit stronger about the break-up over the weekend and thought of many more bad times in the relationship that made me realize I should have ended it and not been so soft. However, it is all still under my skin a bit as I can’t work this out. Any ideas on this?
I know it shouldn’t matter but it does! I now haven’t heard from him for nearly 2 weeks which I find a bit weird. Up until then he was texting and phoning me almost every other day, asking me how I am, saying it was a shame the relationship got messed up, and twice forcibly asking me if I had met another man and telling me he hasn't met another woman. As he didn't approve of my past and seemed to think I jump from man to man, I told him I wasn't that shallow and that I took time to get over a relationship before moving on to another man! However, since we last spoke and had a long chat about 12 days ago I have heard nothing at all which hasn't been his usual pattern as he had even complained that I didn’t call him and he was making all the effort to stay in touch.
When we last spoke I pretended I was o.k. and told him I had taken up new activities etc. so I am now wondering if he has stopped contacting me for either of the following reasons:
(1) He now knows I haven’t got a new man, which he really wanted to find out, and his mind is now at rest.
(2) He contacted me hoping I would ask or beg to go back with him and when I didn’t and pretended I was o.k. he has thought about things and decided to stay away.
(3) Whether he has thought things over and decided to have a complete cut-off from me so he can move on in his life.
(4) He has met someone else, (even though he told me he hasn’t met anyone). Knowing him though, I think if he did meet someone he would take great pleasure in ringing me to tell he has met this ‘lovely woman who really appreciates him’!
It just seems strange it is now complete radio silence. My friends think it shouldn't matter, isn't important, and it is for the best and not hearing from him will help me move on but I don't like mysteries and would like to know why.
I think it is my ego and personal pride to an extent, because of all the times he begged me to take him back and give him another chance, he is now strong enough to stay away from me. What do you think is the likeliest of reasons?
Despite all the problems we had I am now feeling (unbelievably) as if I want him back and am sad and tearful today, yet at the weekend I thought ‘why did I stay with him for so long?’ I do think that if we could have one last try with me making more effort, (he said it didn't work because he made more effort than me which he did, but as per my earlier post his behaviour and attitude made me keep him at arms length) then it might stand a chance of working. However, I am not going to ring and ask him in case he takes pleasure in saying no and reminding me of all the things he thought I had done wrong!
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 12:25 pm
Hi LaraLee
I think you know as well as we all do that you may as well be asking 'How long's a piece of string?'. It could be any of, or a combination of, the reasons you outlined above, but whatever the reason, you have to remind yourself that in the long run, it is a good thing that this man hasn't contacted you. Distancing yourself from him is the only way to help you heal.
It is totally understandable that you feel the way you do; you can't just flick a switch and stop loving someone. Also, it's a MASSIVE slap in the face to the ego when someone no longer appears to be 'chasing' us (even when it's some complete doofus whom we don't even want!).
You are doing really well so far, so please hang in there. Give yourself lots of distractions - watch movies, eat junk food, talk to your gal pals - whatever it takes.
This is the WORST feeling. It hurts like hell, but the way from here is honestly only up x
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