I think I figured it out!
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 07:19 am
So I think I figured out one of the big keys to why my relationships don't seem to pan out, and I always end up having to break up with the guy.
In every relationship and dating scenario I've had, the guys always complain about not hearing enough compliments from me, or enough praise for what they do, or enough acknowledgment.
Now, I know guys need a lot of praise and appreciation and acknowledgment. I have always had a problem (and talked to a therapist about) an issue I have with giving, and sometimes receiving compliments. A lot of times I have doubts about compliments I receive from men because oftentimes there seems to be an agenda behind them, and they aren't sincere.
I'm not big on flattery and compliments. I will give someone a sincere compliment when I feel it's appropriate or deserved. I'm not in the business of constantly feeding people's egos. If someone looks really nice, I'll tell them they look really nice. If they don't, I won't say anything. I'm not gonna tell them they look nice when I don't think they do, because then it will be a forced compliment, and I'll basically be lying. And it's super obvious and people can always tell.
I dated a guy casually for a couple of months one time. He was CONSTANTLY telling me how pretty I looked all the time. Like way too much. He himself did not put much effort into his looks when meeting me. I think he wore the same tired old blue hooded sweatshirt literally every time I saw him.
So since he didn't look that great, I never told him he looked great.
One night that I saw him he was way over complimentary toward me. It put me off. Finally, as we were saying goodbye, he said again, "You looked beautiful tonight" and I said, "You looked great, too." He yells out, "Finally!" and then gets out of the car.
So then that made my whole compliment complex spin out of control. So had he been telling me I looked good all these weeks so that I would compliment him? Or was he so hungry for praise and acknowledgment that he actually cried out when he finally got it? Or both?
I realized that the reason I haven't been giving men I've been dating that many compliments is because if I did, they would be fake. I have had fairly bad radar in who I've picked to go out with. So I haven't felt compelled to compliment them.
I dated a guy who was a great guy, trying to be an actor. But he wasn't that great of an actor, and he didn't work very hard at his career. Therefore I didn't give him much praise. But I also didn't respect what he did. Should I have given him praise, to keep his spirits up, since I did still value him as a boyfriend? Even though I didn't respect his work?
Then there was that other guy who didn't put any effort into his looks, but I enjoyed his company. Should I have complimented his looks, even though I would have been lying, so that he would feel better about himself?
Then this last ex, that I just broke up with. He told me he was unsure that I respected what he did, because I never made any comments about it. He had me read some of his writing. I didn't like the script he gave me, so I didn't say anything about it. He also runs a business that sounded shadier and shadier the more he talked about it. He commented that he didn't think I respected his work, because I never praised his competence. But I didn't think he was that competent at it, from the stories he told. So I didn't say anything. Apparently that bothered him a lot, but I would have been lying if I complimented him.
So I think this is the solution...I have to find a man where I genuinely respect what he does. I need to find a man who actually does something worth respecting and complimenting. Then I will feel compelled to give genuine compliments more often. I want to be proud and awed and amazed at how awesome and competent my man is at what he does. I don't want to be embarrased by it. And I don't want to reward bad habits or bad behavior by pretending to be impressed by it.
Just some thoughts I had at 3 o'clock in the morning...
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 07:29 am
Brilliant observations!!! ;-)
Sometimes you'll need to look a bit harder to find something to compliment, but the result is absolutely worth it. Men like to be appreciated probably even more than we do. I won't be fake either, but I can usually give a positive comment.
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 03:25 pm
Congratulate yourself, I think this is quite an insight! It isn't even about complimenting them in the narrow sense of the word; if you are with someone you respect and admire, and then everything you do and say is a compliment: the way you look at them, the way you are genuinely interested in their opinion, your overall body language and they will pick it up and won't need you to articulate it to them constantly. You 'leak' respect towards them and this is the kind of compliment that is very difficult if not impossible to fake. I would imagine this is what men want. It is probably what we all want.
Whatever it is that is really really vital to you (doesn't matter how silly or redundant or even snobbish or superficial it looks to others), if you don't find it in your relationship, your frustration will spill over somehow somewhere and however well you try to hide it, your partner will pick it up and becomes nervous/insecure. Yes I know, it is not helpful to have too many non-negotiables, but if something is important to you, then it is important to you. At the end of the day you want to be with a partner whom you like, love and fancy, but also respect and admire; you want to wake up in the morning next to him and think 'Wow, we are so blessed to have found each other!!!'
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 12:16 pm
Hey Tiny
Great post, you are right on the nose!
Personally, I don't think one should feel 'obligated' to give compliments, and unless they come from the heart, what's the point anyway? If you overuse compliments you wear 'em out! For example, let me sketch out a scenario.
Some years ago, I went out with a guy who was *always* saying 'You look lovely tonight'. Bear in mind that I was an art student at the time and would occasionally arrive to meet in at the pub in old jeans and DMs, covered in paint and generally looking as if I'd been dragged through a hedge backwards! Frankly I used to find it irritating, because I knew I *didn't* look nice - and whatsmore, because he told me I looked nice all the time, it kinda negated the compliment when I *had* actually made an effort and put on a nice dress or whatever.
You can show your appreciation for someone in other ways. You don't have to compliment them, but you can for example show your appreciation - stuff like 'I really enjoyed this evening', etc.
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 01:52 pm
several yrears ago after mt divorce while i was working hard at over coming my shyness, i was fortunate to meet this young lady that worked in the loan dept of the bank i used. i was also experimenting with a new style and she was always very complimentary, and always noticed when i was wearing a new shirt, etc. of course i returned her complements which was not hard to do since she was very attractive and dressed very well herself. since i was seeing her nearly every day i learned quickly to go beyonf the generic "you look nice today" compliments and really look at her to see what was different about her that day or what about her that she had spent a lot of time on. well, it was a nice friendly compliment fest that went on for a while and she maybe unknowlingly reinforced these changes i was making in my life while i learned the real art of how to give a compliment, which i think is to notice what a person is most proud of about themselves.
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 01:55 pm
tiny
you are so right, you need a man you can respect and admire. :)
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 01:57 pm
wise
are you familiarwith maureen dowd? you might find this articlr interesting:
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 03:27 pm
Thanks, intothemystic, I did find the article interesting. Well, sort of, anyway. It is a bit 'this is the way things are' kind of article and slightly simplistic at that. I don't find such polemical social commentary particulalry fresh or profound.
Just out of interest may I ask what was the reason you referred me to this piece?
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 03:14 pm
Tiny,
I agree 100% about the uselessness of giving empty compliments just to stroke someone's ego or to be socially correct. I don't do this. That would be complimenting someone to increase my own status. But I do see "giving" creative genuine compliments as part of a person's attitude towards life. I find that when I am postive it is easy to find something interesting and smileworthy about someone. I just notice them more when I have positive energy flowing.
Like you, I hardly ever compliment someone on their looks unless they look exceptionally nice that day. But I have a neighbor who regularly calls to find out how my day went...."Jerry, you are such a great friend." Or telling my bf...."You know, when you say you are going to do something, by G_d, you do it. Everytime!" Or when he gives me a giant bear hug when I've had a bad day...."You know you have a great big heart in that wonderful chest." Or when my mom picks up the kids and calls me to let me know I can put a few more hours in at work...."Mom, you have no idea how much I appreciate this. You always seem to know just what I need." Or my friend in financial straights who decides to forego a salon color treatment for a do-it-yourself job...."Wow! Looks great! (It really did! she'd never had anything but a salon job and was scared to try...) The $75 you saved will pay the cable bill for 5 months now! Great idea. I'm proud of your choice." When you are postive about your life it is easy to find good things to appreciate about others.
Conversely, when I am feeling negative I am focused more on myself and my problems and have to force myself to notice the "smiles" that others are giving me. When I stop giving genuine compliments to the people around me, when I stop noticing the good that the world is offering, I know it is a sign that my attitude on life needs a little tweaking and adjustment. That is when I have to write a few gratitude bullet items on my calendar at work, to remind myself in the words of Van Morrison, to "open up my eyes so I can see."
Accepting a compliment with grace is a skill that is not natural for some (myself included,) but it can be learned with practice. Compliments are gifts given to you by another person. Some are given with strings attached. Some are given openly and freely without expectation of reciprocation (these are the best ones!) You wouldn't refuse a nicely wrapped package and hand it back to a friend. You wouldn't say, "No thank you. I don't deserve this from you." You would smile sweetly, open it with interest and say, "Thank you!" Even if it is just for the thought.
I agree with you that the above post is a revelation about your choice in men. Yes, you need to choose men you can respect and compliment freely and without strings. In the meantime, be creative and I'm sure you will find something smileworthy about everyone you meet. Everyone has something. The trick is to find it!
SZ
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 03:34 pm
Wise
i really don't give feminism any thought anymore, but i would be interested in your opinion of what the basic principle is.
i agree there are no good male role models on tv..at least not in sitcoms. i did like the show roc years ago and james on the show good times..lol.
do you think you are limited in your pool of potential mates because of your intellect? because i have gotten that impression from a couple of your posts i have read.
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 03:52 pm
,
Inspiration Story:
Connect w/ Paige
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