Brilliant observations!!! ;-)

Sometimes you'll need to look a bit harder to find something to compliment, but the result is absolutely worth it. Men like to be appreciated probably even more than we do. I won't be fake either, but I can usually give a positive comment.

Congratulate yourself, I think this is quite an insight! It isn't even about complimenting them in the narrow sense of the word; if you are with someone you respect and admire, and then everything you do and say is a compliment: the way you look at them, the way you are genuinely interested in their opinion, your overall body language and they will pick it up and won't need you to articulate it to them constantly. You 'leak' respect towards them and this is the kind of compliment that is very difficult if not impossible to fake. I would imagine this is what men want. It is probably what we all want.

Whatever it is that is really really vital to you (doesn't matter how silly or redundant or even snobbish or superficial it looks to others), if you don't find it in your relationship, your frustration will spill over somehow somewhere and however well you try to hide it, your partner will pick it up and becomes nervous/insecure. Yes I know, it is not helpful to have too many non-negotiables, but if something is important to you, then it is important to you. At the end of the day you want to be with a partner whom you like, love and fancy, but also respect and admire; you want to wake up in the morning next to him and think 'Wow, we are so blessed to have found each other!!!'

Hey Tiny

Great post, you are right on the nose!

Personally, I don't think one should feel 'obligated' to give compliments, and unless they come from the heart, what's the point anyway? If you overuse compliments you wear 'em out! For example, let me sketch out a scenario.

Some years ago, I went out with a guy who was *always* saying 'You look lovely tonight'. Bear in mind that I was an art student at the time and would occasionally arrive to meet in at the pub in old jeans and DMs, covered in paint and generally looking as if I'd been dragged through a hedge backwards! Frankly I used to find it irritating, because I knew I *didn't* look nice - and whatsmore, because he told me I looked nice all the time, it kinda negated the compliment when I *had* actually made an effort and put on a nice dress or whatever.

You can show your appreciation for someone in other ways. You don't have to compliment them, but you can for example show your appreciation - stuff like 'I really enjoyed this evening', etc.

several yrears ago after mt divorce while i was working hard at over coming my shyness, i was fortunate to meet this young lady that worked in the loan dept of the bank i used. i was also experimenting with a new style and she was always very complimentary, and always noticed when i was wearing a new shirt, etc. of course i returned her complements which was not hard to do since she was very attractive and dressed very well herself. since i was seeing her nearly every day i learned quickly to go beyonf the generic "you look nice today" compliments and really look at her to see what was different about her that day or what about her that she had spent a lot of time on. well, it was a nice friendly compliment fest that went on for a while and she maybe unknowlingly reinforced these changes i was making in my life while i learned the real art of how to give a compliment, which i think is to notice what a person is most proud of about themselves.

tiny

you are so right, you need a man you can respect and admire. :)

wise

are you familiarwith maureen dowd? you might find this articlr interesting:

http://www.nytimes.com/2005/10/30/magazine/30feminism.html

Thanks, intothemystic, I did find the article interesting. Well, sort of, anyway. It is a bit 'this is the way things are' kind of article and slightly simplistic at that. I don't find such polemical social commentary particulalry fresh or profound.

Just out of interest may I ask what was the reason you referred me to this piece?

Tiny,

I agree 100% about the uselessness of giving empty compliments just to stroke someone's ego or to be socially correct. I don't do this. That would be complimenting someone to increase my own status. But I do see "giving" creative genuine compliments as part of a person's attitude towards life. I find that when I am postive it is easy to find something interesting and smileworthy about someone. I just notice them more when I have positive energy flowing.

Like you, I hardly ever compliment someone on their looks unless they look exceptionally nice that day. But I have a neighbor who regularly calls to find out how my day went...."Jerry, you are such a great friend." Or telling my bf...."You know, when you say you are going to do something, by G_d, you do it. Everytime!" Or when he gives me a giant bear hug when I've had a bad day...."You know you have a great big heart in that wonderful chest." Or when my mom picks up the kids and calls me to let me know I can put a few more hours in at work...."Mom, you have no idea how much I appreciate this. You always seem to know just what I need." Or my friend in financial straights who decides to forego a salon color treatment for a do-it-yourself job...."Wow! Looks great! (It really did! she'd never had anything but a salon job and was scared to try...) The $75 you saved will pay the cable bill for 5 months now! Great idea. I'm proud of your choice." When you are postive about your life it is easy to find good things to appreciate about others.

Conversely, when I am feeling negative I am focused more on myself and my problems and have to force myself to notice the "smiles" that others are giving me. When I stop giving genuine compliments to the people around me, when I stop noticing the good that the world is offering, I know it is a sign that my attitude on life needs a little tweaking and adjustment. That is when I have to write a few gratitude bullet items on my calendar at work, to remind myself in the words of Van Morrison, to "open up my eyes so I can see."

Accepting a compliment with grace is a skill that is not natural for some (myself included,) but it can be learned with practice. Compliments are gifts given to you by another person. Some are given with strings attached. Some are given openly and freely without expectation of reciprocation (these are the best ones!) You wouldn't refuse a nicely wrapped package and hand it back to a friend. You wouldn't say, "No thank you. I don't deserve this from you." You would smile sweetly, open it with interest and say, "Thank you!" Even if it is just for the thought.

I agree with you that the above post is a revelation about your choice in men. Yes, you need to choose men you can respect and compliment freely and without strings. In the meantime, be creative and I'm sure you will find something smileworthy about everyone you meet. Everyone has something. The trick is to find it!

SZ

Wise

i really don't give feminism any thought anymore, but i would be interested in your opinion of what the basic principle is.

i agree there are no good male role models on tv..at least not in sitcoms. i did like the show roc years ago and james on the show good times..lol.

do you think you are limited in your pool of potential mates because of your intellect? because i have gotten that impression from a couple of your posts i have read.

,

Hi Tiny, great post! I have also given this some thought now and again, just never put on paper such a comprehensive assessment.

I dated someone once who was so incredibly complimentary, and with such seeming sincerity that I wasn't certain whether it was rote for him or he truly was over the top about me. The fact that he was in sales probably made me wonder a bit also. Until I noticed he started now and then to throw out the compliments about how wonderful I looked before even glancing over...and other signs that as nice as it was to hear he might have said the same thing to the painting on the wall. After that his compliments didn't mean a thing to me, even became a bit of a downer.

I agree that in the long run it's detrimental to say things you don't truly feel...so if you don't respect someone's profession or don't see their talent you certainly shouldn't say you do.

Still there is likely some things you could find to compliment each of them on...if they didn't have some qualities you liked and respected I'm sure you wouldn't kept them around long enough to need any reinforcement lol.

And when you do find that guy...he won't ever need to seek compliments because he will be getting them...whether or not you say the words, it's just as Wise said, they'll be getting the vibes. The exes could tell that you weren't really feeling it, that was probably feeding their need for reinforcement.

Smiler I've had to really wonder sometimes...seems I get more compliments and attract more attention at the strangest times...coming off the tennis courts in 100 degree heat, with my hair in a ponytail...running real quick to the store in sweats with no makeup and a hat...there's no tellin'!!!

It's true, when I used to go the gym and I'd be unshowered, sweaty, and disheveled, I'd get more attention than when I put on a cocktail dress. Whatevers!

Yes, there are probably more things I could have found to compliment my exes on. And I did compliment them on things, I certainly did. Not to the degree that they did me, but I did praise them. The problem is, when they wanted praise in the particular area that I didn't respect, then there was an issue. And it usually comes down to, they spend so much time building their career, and that's where they want the most acknowledgment and praise. However, if I don't respect what they're doing with their career, I can't give the praise they're seeking.

Herein lies the premise of my post--I need to find a guy whose work I respect, so that the praise comes naturally.

And I totally agree with the above post about people who give compliments off-handedly (telling you you look beautiful without even having looked at you.) I knew a guy once who gave compliments like that to his children. He would always tell them that he was proud of them, but at inappropriate times when it wasn't warranted. One time, his daughter was coming down the stairs. This guy was running up the stairs, and in passing said, "Kelly, I'm proud of you!" This girl had the most disturbed, bewildered look on her face, because all she was doing was walking down the stairs. You could see it really bothered her that his praise didn't hold any water, and so now she won't believe his praise in the future when she really does need it.

I also read the article that intothemystic posted. Interesting, but depressing. It was a lot about smart, successful women having a ton of trouble finding a mate, because of the [generalized] feeling that men have that they want to be the successful ones with more power. Hence they marry their secretary, not their boss.

I can see how this is true in general. My problem is, I'm a smart, fierce multi-tasker. Everyone has a talent, and my talent is that I am fairly good at a whole myriad of things. I can get more accomplished in a day than some people do in a month. Not to toot my own horn, but I'm quick about getting stuff done, and on top of things. My friends back home used to call me "Martha Stewart" because of the number of things that I am able to do.

However, this doesn't work to my advantage with men. I think some guys find this a turn-off. One guy I dated was a comedian. He told me he wasn't sure he could date me because I'm funny. He'd never dated a funny girl before. HE wanted to be the funny one. One day he said I was funnier than him. Soon after that, we weren't hanging out anymore.

With my most recent ex, he was reading some of my writing (I write comedy) and told me he was genuinely in "awe of how my mind works." He wasn't sure I felt the same about his writing. In my opinion, his writing is alright, but he's only had me read one script, which was an okay pilot that I wasn't that wild about. He also had me view a video sketch he wrote, which wasn't good at all. So I said I need to see more examples of his work in order to give him a solid opinion. I mean, how do you follow "I'm in awe of how your mind works?"

This stuff happens with all guys I date. They start to get annoyed that I'm too "perfect." It's not that I'm perfect, not in the least. I just happen to be really good at figuring things out quickly and then doing them. I don't need a whole ton of help or coaching.

I guess I need to find a guy who is secure enough to not have his ego threatened by the fact that I'm good at things. Or find someone who does something I have no knowledge of whatsoever, so he can be the expert in his field and I'll be the layman. Either way, I don't want to have to dumb down what I can do in order to make a man's ego feel more secure.

And I feel like that's what I do sometimes. I pretend I need help with something when I don't. I pretend I don't know the answer to something, so that they can give me the answer and feel good about themselves. I'll ask advice on something I don't need advice on. I'll pretend I don't know directions on how to get somewhere when I know directions 5 times better than most men I've ever met. My friend Dave calls me a "Walking GPS."

Is this a way to live? Does it mean I have to be lonely because I'm smart?

I guess the solution is to find a guy that I really respect, who is knowledgable about things that I'm not, and vice versa, so that I can truly learn. I'm not attracted to younger, inexperienced guys. I'm attracted to guys who are older or more experienced who can actually teach ME something instead of me having to guide some inexperienced guy around like a puppy. I think I need someone who can be a mentor figure as well as a romantic partner.

Problem is, older guys tend to be very inflexible and set in their ways, and have little interest or energy to go out and do things like I do. I've found the older guys get, the more they want to come home and sit on the couch and that's not how my lifestyle is.

I'm also big into the spiritual teachings of people like Eckhart Tolle, who talk about letting ago of the constant need to feed the ego and live in the present moment. I really believe in letting go of the ego as much as possible. So when I start dating guys, and it's all about their ego, I get really annoyed because I don't want to have the obligation forced on me that it's my job to feed it. I don't need mine fed 24 hours a day, once a day is enough. That's why I get annoyed by constant flattery and compliments.

So let's say only maybe 2% of the population of the US actually follows what Eckhart Tolle has to say.

And I need to find an energetic, active, slightly older guy, who's career I respect so I can compliment him naturally, but don't know much about, so I'm non-threatening and he can teach me and feed his own ego, and I can learn and not feel like I'm dumbing myself down all the time. Oh, and he needs to not be trapped in his ego all the time.

Boy, has my dating pool now shrunken.

tinydancer2009,

Please don't worry about this shrunken dating pool. You are not looking for a whole army of men, just one who is compatible with you. You have articulated to yourself what you are looking for and what you are not looking for. And you will find him, mind my word. It may take some time, a lot of patience, good humour, common sense and, let's face it, just a bit of good luck as well and bang! You will find someone with whom it will just be easy.

I believe it for you; I most certainly believe it for myself (though intothemystic appears to think I have no chance, LOL). It is all about finding a man who is happy with himself and secure and isn’t intimidated by how incredibly indescribably cool we are :). On the contrary, they recognise it, are proud of it, support it and frankly cannot believe their luck. And we will feel exactly the same in return. I have had this kind of a relationship in my life for 15 years and I know I will find it again. And so will you, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!!!

hey tiny

you seem to be figuring things out really fast now!

most women think that having a lot in common w their mate is everything but that really has nothing to do w chemistry.

i like playing guitarfor a woman and i don't think i would like it she played and were better than me (not much chance of that anyway), but i love teaching and mentoring as you mentioned.

if i might be aso bold as to make a suggestion, pick an activity you know nothing about, let's just say rock climbing, find out where there is a group meetup and show up. you are bound to find a guy that is active(obviosly) and would probably love to show you the ropes, no pun intended, ha!

if you find you have other things in common great if not you can create them and be each others admirer.

your dating pool is increasing! :)

btw, ishould apologize to you and the others for my many typo's as i amlearning to type w just my left hand. :)

I can relate to your frustration Tiny. I agree you've got to date men who already have a fairly healthy ego. However, when complimenting, would it work for you to choose a compliment in the same generalized area, but slightly off to the side?

Let me elaborate. Let's say you have a man show you his script he's been working on, and he asks your opinion. You read it, and OK, not to put too finer point on it...it's pretty jolly awful.

You might say, "You know Bob, I really appreciate you showing me your script. It takes a lot for someone to be open enough to share their work! I can't really profess to be an expert here, but I can see you're really dedicated to your craft!"

If he persists in asking for your opinion of his work, you might say "Well...it's not really to my taste, but as I said, I just want to acknowledge the work you are putting in".

For me, the thing is to be sincere, and choose something I really do think is good. If something is really awful, then I tend to acknowledge that in as positive way as possible, and being respectful of the person's feelings.

There's always some good in anyone. Just with some people you have to dig deep that's all!

wise,

i never said you had No chance...just a slim chance. just KIDDING!
i am sure you have many charms hidden behind that keen intellect. :)

That is true, intothemystic, I am very charmilicious, LOL!

charmilicious, my favorite flavor!

Tiny, I have had similar experiences, although it sounds like you could run circles around me. What I've learned is that although I have no issues with differing levels of education (I find many "smart" men do not have intelligence and vice versa), it has become an issue and I have been accused of thinking I am superior - nothing could be further from the truth!

It seems that if a man is insecure, and believes you are intelligently superior, that could lead to him deciding that you believe you are "better" than him, when in reality he is the one having those doubts. It's reverse snobbery, and it sucks!

Does it have to be his career that you respect and don't know much about? I've had 2 experiences where even though I knew nothing about his career and believed he was extremely talented, the wide gap in pay scales would not allow him to believe his work was as valuable or as worthy. I even used the sports analogy to try to get them to see that it's simply a matter of what the market will bear - even in that world there is a large disparity between sports - to no avail.

So I found other talents that I didn't share or want to develop. My ex hb was practically a master gardener, and although I enjoy mowing the lawn now and again for some reason plants to not want to grow and flourish for me. Our yard was magnificent, it could have been in magazines. I could generously and sincerely show my pride appreciation for his talent. An ex bf was an amazing cook - could make a delicious meal out of nothing - where I bake everything from scratch as a hobby any cooking success I have is thanks to cookbooks and I wouldn't dare deviate. So...keep looking and you'll find the one who has qualities and talents that you truly admire. And when that happens, he will feel it.

And now I really must go...I'm very, very late for dinner. Before I do, I want to ask Mr. Mystic why he is typing with one hand. Did I miss something? Do you have a booboo? Something a Barbie Bandaid won't cure? Hope not!

Night all :-D

I was at a jewerly party this weekend and one of the sellers would compliment people's accessories. I don't know if she was genuine or not but I think you can tell if someone if giving fake compliments. frankly I saw her do it twice so that's why I thought, maybe this is just a sales technique to build rapport

Tinydancer2009,

I'm the other way around. I tend to genuinely compliment men more than average. It took only ONE line of appreciation to win over the interest of this man I am into. Problem is, if you appreciate men too much, then watch out, as they will take advantage of you! There seems to be a balance - give and take.

Yes, you are right. You have to find a man where you genuinely respect what he does. There's a saying, "a woman doesn't love a man she doesn't respect". He needs to be someone you RESPECT and then your compliments will be genuine.

And that's why I fell in such love with this friend of mine. I respect him and what he does so much! Although he could have a better demeanor, I love the whole package. I also noticed that he compliments me constantly - almost too much. So I wonder if he really needs compliments himself.

Just thinking out loud...

ITM...may I ask why you have to use your left hand? You know me...girls gotta know. ;)

Question...I usually get many great compliments from the men that see me or view me online (physical wise) and the guy I am in a ldf with has never once mentioned what he thinks about my physical attributes. He has complimented my ways and how I speak and my character, things like that, but I am curious about this. Any male thoughts on this?

JustLooking--you're very right. I can't love a man I can't respect. I can't even be around someone I don't respect for very long. As soon as the respect goes (man or woman), I don't want to be around them and I have to get out.

I really want to be with a man that I admire, and want to show off. I want to be compelled to talk about him with others. I don't want to be embarrased that his chosen profession is shady, or that he lacks motivation, or that he's untalented.

oh little darlin--what is a ldf? Long distance fling? Long distance FWB?

Whatif714---that's a great idea about finding something that he's talented or interested in that I'm not and really appreciating that. I'm not a great cook. If a guy I was dating was a great cook, that is something I would really enjoy and appreciate.

I find that I have been thinking a bit backwards about who would be the best mate for me. I like what intothemystic has to say about women always looking for common interests in the men they date, but that it doesn't always equal chemistry. In fact, some of the best chemistry I've had with guys have been with men whose lifestyles or interests are quite different than mine.

I've had in my head that I need to find someone who does just what I do, working in the entertainment industry, because it's such a hard life and no one who doesn't work in it could possibly understand. However, I think that may be flawed logic on my part, because not only does that shut off my options, but it also sets it up for that dreaded competition thing between lovers. And I don't want to compete with my boyfriend because we do the exact same thing. If he did something maybe in a related field, but different, I could support him and vice versa, but we won't feel a competition between us brewing, which was a big problem in one of my past relationships.

If he has some different interests, then we can have more of that natural advisor/advisee thing that men seem to need so badly, but it wouldn't be me dumbing myself down to make him feel like he's teaching me something. And I could teach him things too, about what I enjoy and maybe we could create some common interests.

And thank you all for all of your kind words and encouragement. It means a lot. There's a good guy out there for me somewhere (and for you ladies too!) :)

whatif

i got caught in a trap and had to chew it off to escape...should regenerate a another by the next full moon. :)

darlin

"Question...I usually get many great compliments from the men that see me or view me online (physical wise) and the guy I am in a ldf with has never once mentioned what he thinks about my physical attributes. He has complimented my ways and how I speak and my character, things like that, but I am curious about this. Any male thoughts on this?"

point to some posts where you have talked about this guy and i will see if i can come up with some ideas.

Tiny - I am in the same boat as you. I've been told that I don't give away compliments easily (and I consider that to be good). I think insecure men want more compliments and even ask for it rather than just wait until they get a *sincere* one. I've had guys beg me for compliments ranging anywhere from the 2nd date to several dates..and it always makes me lose attraction for them. If I want to start off complimenting a guy, I start out with something small - saying that I really like his shirt or cologne. That's just my personality and anyone else who has a problem with it can go 5rew themselves!

I don't need numerous compliments: I can tell the guy finds me attractive by the way he looks at me; I can tell he's interested in me as a person by the way we interact and if he continues to ask me out. I don't see why WE have to go out of our way to make someone who's insecure feel better about himself - that's his issue to work out on his own. I say stick to your guns and hopefully the right guy will understand how you feel about him without you having to verbally express it (especially too early on) and you'll get a better connection. Unfortunately, there's a surplus of insecure men out there (including those who fake confidence but are incredibly insecure).

On a side note, I keep thinking that getting 3 degrees and working in a high stress/pressure work environment and having a salary that seems to intimidate most men may not have been such a smart decision after all (after reading the "What's a modern girl to do article) and have been thinking about it for a while. I am so burned out from work (hate my job and am so irritated) and just not having fun in life in general and that I really want to just settle down and play Stepford housewife. But the truth is that I am smarter than most of the men I've dated, have had far different educational/work experiences and I feel disconnected. :(

I very much do hope you are joking, ToughCookieGirl! It is a very sad state of affairs if women start to regret their education and accomplishments, the fact that they are smart or funny just because they have stumbled on a few losers. Just aim higher and date men who are just as educated and accomplished as you are!

There is nothing wrong in wanting to be a housewife if this is what you really wish. However, with a right partner the fact that you are smart will always work in your favour, not the other way round.

I know it sounds terrible, Wise, but I am not taking this thought lightly. I really think it's important (for me) to be with the kids the first few years when they are young rather than leaving them in daycare or with another person. In order to do so, I'd have to reduce my hours at work greatly (20 hours or less which is unheard of in the legal field). The men at work and those at similar educational status as me are either 1) not interested and would in fact prefer to date someone who isn't quite up to their level (we joke about male lawyers / male law students ending up with kindergarten teachers or 2) there is no connection or 3) they are just plain odd balls.

And at this point, all I can think is why I did I spent the last 4-5 yrs developing a career only to end up in a miserable, stressful job where I am disrespected and underappreciated? What did I gain? What was it that I was trying to prove? That I could do it? Well, I did it, and here I am....still single, in a miserable job working long hours, living in a tiny "luxury" studio, and still confused as to what I want out of life. I really don't care about my clients (big corps), nor is there a single partner here that I can look at and say "That is who I want to be in 10 years." The one female partner here was just admitted, works her A&& off (she once left the office at 6AM only to go home to shower and change and come back at 8AM for a meeting). I would never want to be her and I am afraid if I keep progressing at this firm, I'll end up like her!

Plus, I am so alone here - When I was hired last yr, 3 other guys were hired. The 2 new hires this year are also men. I sit around all guys. They go out to lunch together and I am always left behind (these are the same guys who picked on me about having an online dating profile if you remember). The few times I've gone to lunch with the guys have made me realize that it's just not comfortable (they end up talking about what girls they met over the weekend and then rate them). I used to feel bad about being not included (but I understood why - they just wanted to have their guy time) but after the online dating profile incident, I've disconnected myself more from them. I've made (girl) friends in another group but I only see them for lunchtime (they are on another floor).

I think my life as a "Stepford housewife", raising kids and having time to breathe and do things I want, could be a lot more rewarding. I could work on the side doing something else, but nothing like the job I am in now. Just a thought.

Thanks for your response, ToughCookieGirl. I can sense you are not happy and I am sorry to hear that. However, you can change your life and do something that you will find more fulfilling, that provides you with more meaning. At this day and age people change their careers much later in life and you are still relatively young. Your education will provide you with great opportunities in other careers as well, nothing you have done or experienced or studied will go to waste. And once you are in a different work environment you are more likely to meet more interesting men than the lawyer types.

I myself am an example of doing just that. I am qualified as a paeditrician, but switched to academia approximately at your age and feel much more fulfilled and happy. It meant bringing home a somewhat smaller salary but you cannot put price on happiness.

Thanks, Wise. I am at work now and just venting. :) As it's my first permanent job, I am trying to stick it out a little while longer (I am a tax attorney working in mergers/acquisitions). Hopefully, by next year when the economy picks up, I can transition into something else - I'd like to work more with families/individuals rather than corps - I think that would be a lot more fulfilling. The pay at my firm is now decent - not great - but I've paid off over 1/2 of all my student loans already, but I can settle for a little less if it means less stress (and if I wasn't living in NYC where the rents are horrendous). Everyone says I am relatively young (almost 27) but either I don't feel young or just don't care about the age factor. I feel like I am ready to stop screwing around and be serious about settling down (I never really "screwed around" but perhaps now being serious means actually finding a practical and equal partner rather than being hung up over the last affair that didn't work out even though the "chemistry" was just so great).

Good, TCG, you seem like a very smart woman who knows what she wants. I am sure you will get exactly that! Good luck with everything!!!

ITM - I am incredibly impressed with your ability to chew off what ails you. And this talent you have which allows you to regenerate limbs is even more amazing!!!

(Tiny...just a quick example for you of complimenting an ability I will never have, still can appreciate.) ;-)

And if you can find a man that cooks...he'll see the compliment in every bite you enjoy!

ToughCookieGirl--I totally get where you are coming from. I'm sorry to hear of your disatisfaction with your work and living situation. As an actress living in Hollywood, I get the whole living in a "luxury" studio thing!! It's incredibly expensive and hard to get ahead.

You're only 27 and that's so young. I know that with the stress of living in Manhattan, and having a stressful job, you probably feel older than you are.

It also sounds like you're ready to transition into a new type of law. Do you know someone at another firm who could help you transition? Or have you thought about teaching? Also, is NYC where you want to be, or is there another city you might enjoy better? And you could have a better quality of life because the rents would be lower? (And guys might be more normal?)

Guys in big cities are usually obsessed with their careers and getting ahead and bedding as many girls as possible and are not thinking about settling down and having babies.

If I weren't working in TV, I would get the heck out of Hollywood because nearly all the guys here are selfish, superficial, unbelievably insecure, and have major agendas. Hence the need for constant complimenting (and you're right, it is a TOTAL turn-off when men ask for compliments.)

I do know people who have found their husbands here....but...big surprise...they don't work in the entertainment industry. I'm definitely going to have to expand my horizons and look for people outside of this industry!

I also have the problem of being more intelligent/sensical than almost every man I have ever dated. It bruises their ego, and irritates me to no end. However, we must remember that we are not looking for 10 men, we are only looking for one good one (who's smart.) In cities of millions of people, there has to be one!

I think I'd like individual wealth planning better than dealing with corporate clients. I don't know where I am meant to live...somewhere warm and suburban and clean. :)

Actually, of all the dates I've been on since I moved to NYC, none of them seemed obsessed with bedding girls - they said claimed to want serious relationships...but, who knows? I got into an odd FWB situation for a few months (but I didn't like the guy, in fact I think he liked me more and I ended it). I dated around a few more months, and then dated someone for 2-3 months and recently broke it off with him b/c he was so insecure and I didn't see a long-term future with him. He really wanted a serious relationship and I do too, but I didn't think we were compatible long term. It's tough b/c I am still very attracted to him and am afraid that if I see him again, I am going to want to be FWB with him, but it'll be wrong b/c 1) it'll make me complacent and hinder me from meeting someone else and 2) I know he has feelings for me and it'll be messy.

I think meeting people in general is difficult it any city and I don't know how to do it besides the bar scene. I am taking a drawing class now - but all the students are old (like senior citizens). There's a guy at work that's been showing quite a bit of interest recently, but I don't know much about him. I refuse to do online dating. What are some ways you try to meet people outside your industry?

The way I meet people outside my industry is via online dating. Honestly, I can't think of another way to do it. Why do you refuse to try it? I read a statistic recently that said there are 44 million single adults in the U.S. right now, and 40 million people are using online dating. So goes to show, there is no stigma about it anymore.

I online dated for awhile. Honestly, the guys were no crazier than people I met in person; in fact, I would have to say the guys I have met in person have turned out to be 10 times worse than anyone I met online (I'm in Hollywood, so go figure). I met several nice guys online...the chemistry happened to not be there enough to have a relationship with a couple of them, but they were nice, normal guys.

Once I get my financial situation in order, I'm going to go back online. I personally like Match. You can do a keyword search for certain characteristics. I, for instance, would ideally like to meet a guy who's from the Midwest, and outside of the entertainment industry. Good luck in Hollywood. Rather than leave it to some chance meeting at a bar, I'd rather be able to look up people on Match. Otherwise, I'm gonna have a tough time meeting someone who isn't on some agenda to get on TV.

I had a horrible time with e-harmony, mostly because they pick your matches for you, and I didn't think they did a very good job of it. And it was expensive. I know several people who have met their husbands through Nerve.com, although I find that website mostly for hipsters and the layout of it still baffles me.

If you are scared to write a profile, you can go to www.e-cyrano.com and tell them precisely what you're looking for, and they'll write it for you. It's about $100 but once I have more money, I'm going to do it because I liked the samples they have on their website.

I say, it's worth a shot!

I just had a bad experience with online dating where my co-workers (NKA "stupid immature boys") found out about my profile and teased me about it. I had a good profile and it was fun for a while, but I didn't meet anyone whom I had a mutual connection with, and after my co-workers discovered it, it caused a lot of suffering, and I just don't want to deal with it (it all kind of piles up into my miserable work environment and we're only scratching the surface here). What kind of financial issues are you having, if you don't mind me asking?. Have you checked out MSN money articles about investing, saving and paying off debt? I love those (I am a nerd). :)

PS - I like mid-western boys too! :) My ex was from Wisconsin.

Ha! My ex was from Wisconsin too!

Well, you can't let your co-workers hold you back. So what if they tease you about it? It's not like they're getting laid every 2 minutes. Don't allow them to make you feel bad about yourself. It's hard to find love and sometimes you have to go about it in unconventional ways.

Some of my friends teased me, but I told them to piss off! And I realized, the friends who gave me a hard time were not really decent friends at all.

My financial issue is pretty tough...right now working on downsizing, simplifying, and moving to a less expensive place. I work in the spa industry, 100% commission, which is very slow right now, and I'm seeing that if I don't make some drastic changes soon, things are going to get really bad really fast. I'm unemployment from a job that I got laid off from, but that will be ending somewhat soon. So I'm trying to change my lifestyle now. Hence the waiting on the dating stuff. Work comes first right now!

Those Wisconsin boys are pretty charming. :)

I know my co-workers shouldn't mean much, but the whole experience was a little traumatizing (when combined with other things going on), and I can't get back into online dating...at least not for a while.

Tiny, I highly recommend the articles in MSN Money - not sure if you've read any but they have really good tips on budgeting, saving money, paying off debt, etc. Good luck.

TINYDANCER, I don't know why? but I'm thinking of YOU TONITE AFTER A "FULL DAY'S WORK"...
ALL good things, sweetheart.
Auds
xoxox

Online dating?

Oh! It has it's ups and downs. I've experienced more downs though. Here's why...

1. You don't meet a man naturally

You should meet the man right away. Otherwise, your impression of him becomes different than who he actually is. Once you meet him, it is awkward because you know you are trying to meet for a relationship. Whereas in real life, you usually notice a man's presence and are attracted to him naturally, giving you a good start in getting along or knowing that you're right for each other.

2. If you do meet a man, he's not in your locale.

Most likely, the man you meet is not in your local area, otherwise you would have already met him by following your interests and living your similar lifestyles. But with long distance relationships, you can't even be together and how are you suppose to bond emotionally if you are far away from each other?

3. There's no privacy, really.

If you meet a man online and happen to be computer savvy like me, you know that he (or you) can create a hoax account and test each other in technical ways. You never know who you are really talking to until you actually meet in person and others on the website can observe your activity.

These are the problems I have run into. I have dated online only to have my heart broken because one guy was truly what I was looking for but distance was an automatic deal breaker!

Before that, there was this guy who was very persistent, good at chat and claimed he was 6' tall. But when we met, he was actually more like 6' wide! Luckily, I was able to easily dump him right after dinner since he bypassed an initial need for security. You should have seen the look on his face!

And don't forget the obvious hoaxes who came in claiming extreme admiration of my physical beauty and who were soon deleted by the management for breaking the website rules, chasing girls like me. Weird.

At least I know what I am getting into when meeting someone in person in my own locale! Wish it didn't have to be this way.

wow! i really agree with justlooking. esp the meeting a man naturally part.

women are attracted by confidence and humor in a man but look for commonalities usually online.

then after meeting in person they wonder why the chemistry is not there.

Thanks, Auds! Send good vibes. ;) Thinkin' of you too.

Tiny I guess you shouldn't take advice on complimenting me from me...he obviously didn't buy it :-D

As far as looking for a guy with specific talents, abilities and intelligence...I say don't concern yourself so much with that as with how much you enjoy the time you spend together, whether you respect the abilities and talents he does have, and how he treats you. If all that's there - you're golden!

Yes...I'm so much looking for a guy with a particular talent, I'm looking for one who isn't going to have a problem with mine, and try and compete with me. I want someone who is easy-going and spontaneous enough (and has enough free time) to do a lot of fun things. I really just want a guy who is happy. I've had enough of listening to guys grumble about their jobs, grumble about how their life isn't turning out the way they want. I just want someone who's happy and not worried about money and their career 24/7. I thought I had this with my last guy, but he was only acting easy-going and spontaneous until I agreed to be his girlfriend. Then suddenly once he snagged me he had no time for a relationship whatsoever. I felt more like he checked "Girlfriend" off on his Life To-Do list and then went back to working 80 hours a week. Not cool!