I know what to do, but can't let go
Tue Nov 10 2009 - 02:03 pm
I do not know where to begin..I have been seeing this man for 6 years..He lives 1-1/2 hrs away and at times this is very difficult for me. In all six years he has never remembered my birthday, never given me anything special (personal)..but yet he comes up most weekends. he will call me, but I feel he does that just to appease me..not out of true feelings.. At times he talks down to me, almost like in a controlling manner...but this is all I know..I was married for 40yrs and my husband passed away..We got into Nascar and we go to a lot of the races..Just the other day he told someone (I was standing right there) she is my racing partner...that really hit home..I guess I am living in a fantasy world with him...When I feel/know that he is lying to me my emotions get way out of control...I leave him all kinds of voice msgs...then I come across to him as needy, pushy, jealous, insecure etc..He told me they were accusatory msgs..BUT I know he has a female friend whom he had a relationship with back in 02/03 and now he tells me they are just friends...I do not believe this because he will put me on the back burner when she calls him or he will lie to me to whom he is/was talking to..I just found out that she has his car phone # and he did not even give it to me..He does not share a lot of things with me..I feel as if I am his racing buddy and she is his friend, lover companion..Am I just chasing a dream..I feel that I am doing all the work..everyone tells me I am wasting my time and energy..I am always there for him, but I cannot say the same for him. I could go on and on..I feel he does not care..I want someone that gives attention to me,is compassionate, considerate. I do not know why I cannot let go of him...If you can give me any insight on this I would sure appreciate it..I don't know what to do...Please help.
Thank you
E
Tue Nov 10 2009 - 03:11 pm
Izzy,
I wish I could help with advice on letting go.
I had to work on it for a long time when I was divorcing and I am trying again to "let go" of the only man I opened my heart to after my divorce.
It is hard.
We know we need to let go, and that we deserve better, but it's our "heads" that know it. Our hearts need to catch up. You just have to give it time. It won't happen over night. Forgive yourself for the slip ups you have made in the past and that you will undoubtedly make along this road towards letting go.
We are here for you.
'nuts'
Tue Nov 10 2009 - 06:49 pm
Itzzy...sorry to hear this. 6yrs is a long time and it will be hard to let him go...but to be honest with you...you will have to find the strength to do so. B/c either he will dump you for this other chick or he will keep stringing you along.
Let him go now! NO CONTACT!
Tue Nov 10 2009 - 09:12 pm
It seems that HE'S the one who doesn't fit the bill, not you.
Are you listing all these negative traits because you're insecure about where you stand or because he really doesn't do it for you?
If the former is true, then you may need to work on controlling your irrational thoughts (I know he's lying...I know he's with her, etc.) Sometimes when you do that, your whole perception of reality changes.
If the latter is true, the best way to truly let go and move on is to just cease contact. It's like losing weight...yes, your mind has to be ready for you to make change but sometimes you just need to get on the treadmill whether you feel like it or not.
You were married for 40 years?! Wow, that's amazing! You probably had found a life partner and now that he's gone, you're in a vulnerable position. You want love, want it earnestly and may be willing to give your heart gladly to someone you love. That's a great quality, but it can get you in trouble if you're not careful.
Take some time alone to decide what you want...and if this man is not that vision, you will have no problem letting go so you can find what you truly need.
Good luck, and keep coming back here when you feel the need. That's why we're all here!
Wed Nov 11 2009 - 10:33 am
I want to thank you all for your support and being there for me.
Thu Nov 12 2009 - 11:25 am
To be honest with you I have all these negative thoughts because of being constantly lied to.. even about the smallest, irrelevant things. My sister tells me that he is a chronic liar. I know that I have to let him go..I have tried before but as you can see that did not work..I remember last Christmas, he was going to PA to visit his daughter and did not even ask me to go, but he took his "so called female friend" I guess he said a mouthful when he told this person while talking to her after a meeting (I was standing right there) she is my racing partner..I felt right then and there I was his racing partner, no more, no less..Homestead FL is next week and he has tickets (which are expensive and hotel) I really do not want to go, I need more in my left than to be someone's racing partner. I do not know why I want to punish myself and hurt..
Right now I have been laid off from work, and cannot collect unemployment because I worked for a Church and they are exempt to pay into unemployment. I am fixing up my condo to put on the market then I do not know..
I need to thank you for being there.
Fri Nov 13 2009 - 08:52 am
I think this guy has the sailor mentality (and I dont mean this against sailors lol) likes having a woman in every port. You didnt mention, but is your relationship sexual at any time? One thing I can say at least he is making no secret that there is another woman, but and I know this is hard to take bc you obviously have feelings for him, but also maybe there is a reason why he is telling you about this other woman. Not only would it make me think he is trying to push your buttons, maybe he likes that u appear stuck on him, it boosts his ego. I think he is playing serious mind games with you, that he likes to see your reaction when he brings up this other woman to flatter himself. And really do you really want a guy that would want to make you upset, would want to make you feel bad that he chose her on events over you? this is a mean guy to do that in the first place. Because he was up and up, he would be blunt and tell you that he hopes you understand what your relationship is, that he has this other woman but cares about you alot but wants to be just friends. But he isnt doing that, is he?
Fri Nov 13 2009 - 08:57 am
Izzi, I was married for 18 but with the same man for 26 years, and the reason why I got into bad relationships since was because I was so use to, since 21 being in a relationship. I know the time has come for me to be on my own, although it is so hard because in my gut I have this feeling I am "suppose" to be with a man.
This guy is definitely not offerin you the package, neither is the one I am with right now. Its hard to accept, but it must be. Time has come to look at matters logically instead of emotionally.
Fri Nov 13 2009 - 10:15 pm
I am with you Princessa A I was married for 40+ years and in my heart I knew I should have left him when my kids were little but I had to think of the kids and I had no skills..I went from Dad's house, to my husbands and then met this one. I also am so use to being used, being walked on. This one sees that he can get away with things and he acts on it. He does not talk about this other woman..I know for a fact that he had a relationship with her back in 02/03, he does not talk about her at all..I know he puts me on the back burner when she calls him or visa verse. I also feel that he likes to push my buttons and he knows what buttons to push. I am a very emotional, caring sincere person, he takes it at checking up on him, he tells me that he has to make his loyalty call..I know or feel that he feels that I am pushy, needy, jealous etc. He has lied to me so many times that I do not know when the lies end and the truth begins. I also feel that he is playing mind games with me. No one wants me to take off with him next week to go to the last race at Homestead Fl..I have asked him if he just wanted to be friends he said no, he told me that he is just seeing me and I do not believe that for a minute. I know in my heart that I need to let go and I do believe it is coming soon. I can not put up with this verbal and emotional abuse much longer..I cannot get him to open up about anything personal our conversations are always about him, hockey and Nascar.
Fri Nov 13 2009 - 10:56 pm
Izzibear,
Congratulations on recognizing you are not being treated lovingly and taking the first step to break the vicious cycle.
This reminds me of my most recent relationship. A lot of similarities about the way I was lied to and treated as invisible, labeled jealous, insecure, intimidated. I was not easy to let go, bit I did it.
If I can do it, you can too.
You already took the first step.
Step number two is for you to start paying attention to yourself instead of him.
You said you don't want to to FL with him. Don't go. It's as simple as that. Don't do what doesn't feel right.
Say to him, that you decided not to be his racing partner anymore. Tell him you need real partner and companion and being racing partner is not enough for you. Be ready to leave. Frankly, there is no love there for you.
You know where the love is?
You got it in you. Give it to yourself instead of him.
Start doing things for yourself.
Start with one thing you wanted to do but didn't because of being in this relationship.
Come to Facebook if you have account. I started group there called:" You are a Goddess!"
Find your Goddess. You are born Goddess. You just forgot how to be one.
Much love,
Buits aka The Mother of All Goddesses.
Sat Nov 14 2009 - 08:06 am
I agree with Buit Izzi, I wouldnt go to Florida. This guy has put you through so much pain, and its not right. We need to believe we can move on from these guys. I also went from my parents house to my ex husbands. I feel I am suppose to be with a guy, but I know that thought has got me in this place, so it must be changed.
We should not have to accept these guys games. Its just wrong. Whats funny is, now whats a coincidence is this guy also had this other friend. he claimed that they were just friends and he was not sexual with her, but I had a hard time with it. I was extremely intuitive. although he did tell me about her, bc he was doing work for her at her house, but I was always suspicious and I went into his cell phone. Pretty rotten I know, but I needed answers and I just didnt get them. What I read was shattering, he said and I never forgot this, "Im lucky that someone like you would even talk to me." and a few other things that showed he was interested in her. That is not something a guy would say to a girl, even as friends. What made it even worse was, that he denied that he had a GF and said there was no reason for him to tell her. He also would not bring us out together. But at the time he did spend feb 14 with me. Back then I should of gotten out of this relationship. Because if there is one, there will be another. Right now I feel he has walked all over me, so many times, I dealt with alot of crap and always took him back, or even called him after he was mean to me where he should of been the one to call and apolgize. But he has always turned things around like it was all my fault when he was wrong to me.
Well last night this all changed. I think from coming here and posting, and really reading alot the last few days, I did something drastic, I got too drunk with my friends and texted him that we are through. This anger fested in me I just blew.
It was the wrong way to go about it but I know him, and his anger, he will be so angry with me I am sure there will be a pretty text message this morning from him telling me how I screwed up. But I feel in my heart this is what I have to do. I cant allow this guy to mistreat me anymore. what he did a few days ago is just wrong, I didnt do anything wrong and he still finds these things to hold against me-this on again, off again relationship, of him constantly dumping me over the most assnine things, he does it for abuse, and I have to put a stop to it.
I told him that he is extremely disrespectful to me, he needs to learn how to treat women and I am no longer going to take the garbage that he is throwing away, he is going to have to find another place to dump his emotional garbage on. This time I have to stick with it. Because I am just going to go through this pain again and again. I can imagine how he will tell me to F off.
I also see now that this guy must look at me and think I am a pushover, because I have allowed him to get away with such crap. I was raised to be like my mother, self serviant to her husband, it was the old country way but I am just being walked all over and he isnt offering me anything. My best friend is a gay guy that is so good to me, he says, why do you let this guy do this to you? I dont get it. No one gets it.
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