Izzy,
I wish I could help with advice on letting go.
I had to work on it for a long time when I was divorcing and I am trying again to "let go" of the only man I opened my heart to after my divorce.

It is hard.
We know we need to let go, and that we deserve better, but it's our "heads" that know it. Our hearts need to catch up. You just have to give it time. It won't happen over night. Forgive yourself for the slip ups you have made in the past and that you will undoubtedly make along this road towards letting go.

We are here for you.

'nuts'

Itzzy...sorry to hear this. 6yrs is a long time and it will be hard to let him go...but to be honest with you...you will have to find the strength to do so. B/c either he will dump you for this other chick or he will keep stringing you along.

Let him go now! NO CONTACT!

It seems that HE'S the one who doesn't fit the bill, not you.

Are you listing all these negative traits because you're insecure about where you stand or because he really doesn't do it for you?

If the former is true, then you may need to work on controlling your irrational thoughts (I know he's lying...I know he's with her, etc.) Sometimes when you do that, your whole perception of reality changes.

If the latter is true, the best way to truly let go and move on is to just cease contact. It's like losing weight...yes, your mind has to be ready for you to make change but sometimes you just need to get on the treadmill whether you feel like it or not.

You were married for 40 years?! Wow, that's amazing! You probably had found a life partner and now that he's gone, you're in a vulnerable position. You want love, want it earnestly and may be willing to give your heart gladly to someone you love. That's a great quality, but it can get you in trouble if you're not careful.

Take some time alone to decide what you want...and if this man is not that vision, you will have no problem letting go so you can find what you truly need.

Good luck, and keep coming back here when you feel the need. That's why we're all here!

I want to thank you all for your support and being there for me.

To be honest with you I have all these negative thoughts because of being constantly lied to.. even about the smallest, irrelevant things. My sister tells me that he is a chronic liar. I know that I have to let him go..I have tried before but as you can see that did not work..I remember last Christmas, he was going to PA to visit his daughter and did not even ask me to go, but he took his "so called female friend" I guess he said a mouthful when he told this person while talking to her after a meeting (I was standing right there) she is my racing partner..I felt right then and there I was his racing partner, no more, no less..Homestead FL is next week and he has tickets (which are expensive and hotel) I really do not want to go, I need more in my left than to be someone's racing partner. I do not know why I want to punish myself and hurt..

Right now I have been laid off from work, and cannot collect unemployment because I worked for a Church and they are exempt to pay into unemployment. I am fixing up my condo to put on the market then I do not know..

I need to thank you for being there.

I think this guy has the sailor mentality (and I dont mean this against sailors lol) likes having a woman in every port. You didnt mention, but is your relationship sexual at any time? One thing I can say at least he is making no secret that there is another woman, but and I know this is hard to take bc you obviously have feelings for him, but also maybe there is a reason why he is telling you about this other woman. Not only would it make me think he is trying to push your buttons, maybe he likes that u appear stuck on him, it boosts his ego. I think he is playing serious mind games with you, that he likes to see your reaction when he brings up this other woman to flatter himself. And really do you really want a guy that would want to make you upset, would want to make you feel bad that he chose her on events over you? this is a mean guy to do that in the first place. Because he was up and up, he would be blunt and tell you that he hopes you understand what your relationship is, that he has this other woman but cares about you alot but wants to be just friends. But he isnt doing that, is he?

Izzi, I was married for 18 but with the same man for 26 years, and the reason why I got into bad relationships since was because I was so use to, since 21 being in a relationship. I know the time has come for me to be on my own, although it is so hard because in my gut I have this feeling I am "suppose" to be with a man.
This guy is definitely not offerin you the package, neither is the one I am with right now. Its hard to accept, but it must be. Time has come to look at matters logically instead of emotionally.

I am with you Princessa A I was married for 40+ years and in my heart I knew I should have left him when my kids were little but I had to think of the kids and I had no skills..I went from Dad's house, to my husbands and then met this one. I also am so use to being used, being walked on. This one sees that he can get away with things and he acts on it. He does not talk about this other woman..I know for a fact that he had a relationship with her back in 02/03, he does not talk about her at all..I know he puts me on the back burner when she calls him or visa verse. I also feel that he likes to push my buttons and he knows what buttons to push. I am a very emotional, caring sincere person, he takes it at checking up on him, he tells me that he has to make his loyalty call..I know or feel that he feels that I am pushy, needy, jealous etc. He has lied to me so many times that I do not know when the lies end and the truth begins. I also feel that he is playing mind games with me. No one wants me to take off with him next week to go to the last race at Homestead Fl..I have asked him if he just wanted to be friends he said no, he told me that he is just seeing me and I do not believe that for a minute. I know in my heart that I need to let go and I do believe it is coming soon. I can not put up with this verbal and emotional abuse much longer..I cannot get him to open up about anything personal our conversations are always about him, hockey and Nascar.

Izzibear,

Congratulations on recognizing you are not being treated lovingly and taking the first step to break the vicious cycle.

This reminds me of my most recent relationship. A lot of similarities about the way I was lied to and treated as invisible, labeled jealous, insecure, intimidated. I was not easy to let go, bit I did it.
If I can do it, you can too.

You already took the first step.
Step number two is for you to start paying attention to yourself instead of him.
You said you don't want to to FL with him. Don't go. It's as simple as that. Don't do what doesn't feel right.
Say to him, that you decided not to be his racing partner anymore. Tell him you need real partner and companion and being racing partner is not enough for you. Be ready to leave. Frankly, there is no love there for you.
You know where the love is?
You got it in you. Give it to yourself instead of him.
Start doing things for yourself.
Start with one thing you wanted to do but didn't because of being in this relationship.
Come to Facebook if you have account. I started group there called:" You are a Goddess!"
Find your Goddess. You are born Goddess. You just forgot how to be one.
Much love,

Buits aka The Mother of All Goddesses.

I agree with Buit Izzi, I wouldnt go to Florida. This guy has put you through so much pain, and its not right. We need to believe we can move on from these guys. I also went from my parents house to my ex husbands. I feel I am suppose to be with a guy, but I know that thought has got me in this place, so it must be changed.
We should not have to accept these guys games. Its just wrong. Whats funny is, now whats a coincidence is this guy also had this other friend. he claimed that they were just friends and he was not sexual with her, but I had a hard time with it. I was extremely intuitive. although he did tell me about her, bc he was doing work for her at her house, but I was always suspicious and I went into his cell phone. Pretty rotten I know, but I needed answers and I just didnt get them. What I read was shattering, he said and I never forgot this, "Im lucky that someone like you would even talk to me." and a few other things that showed he was interested in her. That is not something a guy would say to a girl, even as friends. What made it even worse was, that he denied that he had a GF and said there was no reason for him to tell her. He also would not bring us out together. But at the time he did spend feb 14 with me. Back then I should of gotten out of this relationship. Because if there is one, there will be another. Right now I feel he has walked all over me, so many times, I dealt with alot of crap and always took him back, or even called him after he was mean to me where he should of been the one to call and apolgize. But he has always turned things around like it was all my fault when he was wrong to me.
Well last night this all changed. I think from coming here and posting, and really reading alot the last few days, I did something drastic, I got too drunk with my friends and texted him that we are through. This anger fested in me I just blew.
It was the wrong way to go about it but I know him, and his anger, he will be so angry with me I am sure there will be a pretty text message this morning from him telling me how I screwed up. But I feel in my heart this is what I have to do. I cant allow this guy to mistreat me anymore. what he did a few days ago is just wrong, I didnt do anything wrong and he still finds these things to hold against me-this on again, off again relationship, of him constantly dumping me over the most assnine things, he does it for abuse, and I have to put a stop to it.
I told him that he is extremely disrespectful to me, he needs to learn how to treat women and I am no longer going to take the garbage that he is throwing away, he is going to have to find another place to dump his emotional garbage on. This time I have to stick with it. Because I am just going to go through this pain again and again. I can imagine how he will tell me to F off.
I also see now that this guy must look at me and think I am a pushover, because I have allowed him to get away with such crap. I was raised to be like my mother, self serviant to her husband, it was the old country way but I am just being walked all over and he isnt offering me anything. My best friend is a gay guy that is so good to me, he says, why do you let this guy do this to you? I dont get it. No one gets it.

Buits there is a book called, "A Goddess is a girls best friend." I really liked it.

I will check it out PrincessA.

Proud of you for turning your back on disrespect and abuse. Now, start loving yourself and don't expect anybody else to love you until you really understand love. Enormous love for yourself. It sounds selfish, but it's not. In fact it's the foundation of love for anybody else. You can't give what you don't have.
What you are giving to guys is convenience that comes out of fear, not love.
Love comes from someone who knows what love is. If you are with someone because you have to have a man in your life and you are programmed to be subservient to him, you are operating out of fear, not love. Operating out of fear takes your identity away and you are nobody. When you think about it, it's not the guy to blame so much because it is hard to love nobody.
When you develop love for yourself, you become somebody and the girl who he can't believe will even talk to him. Until then, you are nobody and he has no respect for you. It's wrong of him to take what you give him and not give back, but he doesn't see it. Most men and people in general will take whatever you give them and forget about it. In works ONLY this way in love. if you are not self loving, self respecting, in charge of yourself and your emotions woman, you get walked on. Furthermore, guys who are abusive, emotionally lazy and just like using women look for girls like you. Insecure, programmed to be subservient, unaware of their powers, easy to manipulate with words.... you name it.
What I am trying to say here is if you jump to the next guy after you get rid of this one, he will be just the same. Take time to learn self respect and self love. It's a long road but well worth it. Get books, find places online to reinforce your self-worth and spend time understanding and practicing self love before you get in relationship.

Princess, you wrote:
Well last night this all changed. I think from coming here and posting, and really reading alot the last few days, I did something drastic, I got too drunk with my friends and texted him that we are through. This anger fested in me I just blew.
It was the wrong way to go about it but I know him, and his anger, he will be so angry with me I am sure there will be a pretty text message this morning from him telling me how I screwed up.

IT WAS NOT THE WRONG WAY TO GO ABOUT IT, IMO.
DON'T PUT A NEGATIVE VALUE ON THAT EVENT.

This was a fear-based relationship. It was the opposite of a loving relationship. Therefore, there was no other way but this way for you.

Buits has given you the "manual" you need to follow at this point.

She said: Take time to learn self respect and self love. It's a long road but well worth it. Get books, find places online to reinforce your self-worth and spend time understanding and practicing self love before you get in relationship. :))))))

We all have the Goddess within. You need to find "her" and show "her" the respect and love she deserves, GF.

Izzi, I feel for you. From what you have described (former marriage and current bf) well, they seem to be out of the same pod. That means you need to do a self check! Work on you (as Buits said) and you will blossom, trust me...if you work hard on your self image you will blossom and there are so many threads here that will help by just listening, if not participating. You are smart because you already know what it is you don't need in your life and now you need to focus on what you DO need in your life. You will do well, I can feel this. You are ready to make a change...for once, to please you! :)

Izzy, also don't be afraid to love yourself...i bet there are a lot of things that you enjoy for your own pleasure...find these things and nurture them. If you love movies, do that...if you love chocolate, indulge once in a while...if you love walking, do that...indulge yourself with love...it feels good. :)

Darlin,

That was very sweet and loving message and I hope Izzy hears it. Izzy, listen to Darlin. She knows this to be true. We all do and we love you and we are trying to help. I like that: "Don't be afraid to love yourself"

Izzy,

The fact that you're here and reaching out is a great first step. You are stating what it is you want and are obviously not getting from current relationship. The next step is to realize that you never will get it from him and be willing to let go. It hurts, but more from the perspective that you've allowed it to happen...which in itself can be empowering knowing that it was YOU that allowed it to happen, and when you're finally ready you WILL let it go. I just hope that it's sooner rather than later for your sake. Keep coming back here for support and strength. We're here for you and I assure you, coming here will ultimately soften the blow for you. It's working for me. I'm only 6wks into a 6yr relationship ending in which my needs weren't being met. You are in my prayers.

Love and Light,

smerk ;}

Buits,

I had inquired as to how we could get a looky at the AC weekend goddess pix on facebook and Auds told me I would have to "friend" you or Robin or one of the other girls. I see you don't have a contact in your prof, so if you wouldn't be comfy w/ it, that's okay, but if you are okay w/ it, my contact info is on my profile.

.

BTW Izzy,

Anything I've ever had to let go of in my life always had claw marks all over it 'fore I was done with it! I think the part that hurts the most is that we sometimes internalize the idea of "What's wrong w/me?" It makes us feel very "unlovable" as opposed to "unloved"...

Love AND Respect yourself first and foremost. You are definitely worth it!

You won't allow it to happen until you're willing to let go.

Buits,

Got it! Thanks ;}

I want to thank you all for the love and support I am getting here.
On Thursday he came up and I could tell he really did not want to be here. He acted like a robot..every time I said or suggested something his answer would always be what ever you want to do..I asked him if he was hungry and he replied "if your hungry, I'm hungry I'll eat whatever you want to fix. He is always telling me things that he feels I want to hear. Always with that "carrot" in front of me..On Friday night he and my son got into an argument, my son was not yelling he was doing all the yelling..I think that he just wanted to start something, the next thing I knew, while I was sleeping, he left to go home without waking me or leaving a note NOTHING...He called me when he got home and told me that if he stayed there would be another go round..This would not have happened but he had it already in his head..He has back problems and said that it was best that he just sleep it off, I asked him if he would come back up and he said that he was not up to it, so then I said to him I will drive down..well he made all kinds of excuses for me not to come..I had answers to all his questions and turns around and says you have all the answers, we need to be attached 24/7..one thing led to another..with my emotions the way they were, stemming from him just getting up and leaving I left him a lot of accusatory messages (he would not answer the phone)..now I feel bad because I left him those msgs. I do believe that the lies he has always tells me leads me to do such stupid things. I do not know what I gain from this - only heartbreak. I try to keep busy but i always go back to where is he, what he is doing and with whom is he with. Everyone tells me he is not worth it he is just taking up all my energy. Thank you all for listening.

Izzibear,

I know it's hard to break the habit and that's what this is. It's an addiction and you deal with it the same way:

You do your own 12 step program. Start with scheduling things for yourself and with your friends and not canceling them because he called and wanted to come by. Stick to them and don't give in to changing your schedule for him. That's step one. Once you are able to do that, step 2 will be easier.
Good luck!

Izzi, you wrote:
Everyone tells me he is not worth it he is just taking up all my energy.

IT'S A CLICHE. Everyone reads that book and uses Ugh! cliches.
Tell THOSE PEOPLE to come up with something ORIGINAL.

I'm saying this sarcastically:
1. Someone is making Izzi feel like crap. Therefore, he's not worth all your energy.... blah...blah..blah...
-----------
Here's the PROBLEM,
YOU ARE WORTH THAT ENERGY. See? You DO NOT want to make that mistake anymore. That's why you are here with US.

If you don't think about him anymore then your "friends" won't have to hear your crap ANYMORE.

That's the way I see it.
Auds
xoxox

After all those accusatory messages I left him he called me with some. He said that he turned the volume off on his phone, because he knew that I would call a thousand times BUT I do not believe this because he has said this in the past and I know for a fact that he was not home. so my gut feeling he was over this woman's place. This guy is such a chronic liar. I am tired on being lied to.. If I called him and he saw me on caller ID and he was talking to one of his female friends he would not pick up BUT if he was talking to me he says it is someone else he will call me back. I forgot to mention he was married twice.. I think to myself if she is just a friend why has he never introduced me to her. There were times where I would go down there unannounced and she was there. I asked him once what is she to you, your friend, lover companion and he responded "you said it not me"..I need to let go. this guy has issues....My son does not like the way he talks to me, in such a disrespectful way and I put up with it..It has got to come to an end. It is hard because I have no friends, I know no one here in my complex..I don't know where to go..everyone seems to lead their own lives. I would be the BIGGEST fool if I went to Homestead with him..He uses me for Nascar, appeases me with a phone call nothing more and does everything else with her.

Izzy, do you actually read what you write? Do you believe your own words? Because when I see things like:

~This guy is such a chronic liar.

~I am tired on being lied to.

~this guy has issues

~My son does not like the way he talks to me, in such a disrespectful way and I put up with it

And especially:

~It has got to come to an end.

Well, I can't understand why you're still with him. You already know you need to make some changes and I truly believe you can!

If you genuinely "have no friends" it's time to go out and make some. Look around your church or other place of worship...voluteer for something you care about...check out the local meetup.com possibilites (there are TONS of great and fun activities and places for people to meet one another there)...Check out your local library for lectures and then GO to something that interests you. There will be others there who are interested in the same thin - a GREAT way to make friends...Go to the gym - I've met some really great friends there...

I guess what I'm saying is you already know what you need to do and this man is holding you back from living your life, not helping you live it. And there is NOTHING and I really mean NOTHING worse than being with a chronic liar! I know. I was married to one for 19 years. It nearly killed me.

Very well put, Buits!

Izzi I cant believe this guy does this stuff, he is really selfish, and I dont want to sound mean but he is using you. I understand you have been brought up with being with a guy but what I found out is you cant live your life around a man, in fact u cant around anyone, becuase life is so ungaranteed. How many women found themselves with someone that takes off, and your left. That is why you need other outlets, who knows what can happen.
Another thing is to be dependent on a guy that is like THIS. I mean, at least you could say I know I am really codependent on my BF but he's wonderful. But this guy isnt, so you cant depend on him. What I see is he is taking advantage of you becuase he knows you dont want to be alone so he has that over you. That has got to stop, because not only is it unhealthy, but its also offering you nothing, but aggrevation.
I got myself involved with the wrong guy after my ex-husband because I didnt want to be alone, and I had no friends. I was always trying to meet people but it was hard. He had that over me and was extremely mentally abusive. What this guy is doing to you is mentally abusive. Not introducing you, having other women, leaving without a goodbye and treating your son badly, this is all really bad. This guy is pushing the limit becuase he wants drama, and he likes to. That guy also knew he could get away with it. It then turned physical and I couldnt even press charges because I was in the middle of a divorce. I see him now and say what did I ever see in that guy. But he got me because I was weak, and I didnt have anyone else.
I didnt work, and my friends were all married couples and when I separated, it was a complete change of life, friends stopped inviting me becuase I wasnt a couple anymore. No one wants a stag girl around, more so because all their husbands gave me attention because I was on my own. It was a hard thing to go through and I had to find my own way. I recall being extremely depressed if I was home on a saturday night with no one to go out with, no kids, nothing. Matter of fact I use to dwell starting on wednesday that I hadnt anyone to go out with on the weekends. It was awful!! And my best friend also left overnight, states away to be with her ex BF from HS. I felt really left by everyone. Its been years and now I can say I found new friends, and no man now will be able to stop me from being with them, like this one now tried to.
What I mean is, not wanting to be alone or thinking you need a man will get you with the wrong guy.
But how do you get there? You take some chances, take some classes, join some clubs, just get out. You will meet people. One connection leads to another, and another and then you find your own life. Men will want to be with you, call when they say, and if they dont, you hang up. It has to start now. If he left, without a goodbye, you dont call him. When he calls, you dont answer. And never offer to drive to him. He left! why should u offer to drive to where he is? This guy needs to push off the high pedestal he puts himself on.

He is very selfish. He does not ask me how I am doing. has never remembered my birthday, I get a sweatshirt from him for Christmas. He knows what buttons to push.. I am a caregiver and I probably come across to him like a mother..He has not told me about his childhood..or the arrangement he and his "so called female friend" have..I know she knows about me...I feel that a man should not have another woman in his life if he is supposedly seeing someone else..Maybe I am wrong...I don't mind staying home, as a matter of fact I am so used to it. I don't have to go out..I feel that I am just his "racing partner" that came straight from his lips and this other is his friend, lover companion whom he shares and confides in..I also feel how can you go back to being just friends, when he was in an intimate relationship with her. We are supposedly leaving tomorrow for Homestead FL for the last race of the season..the tickets for these events are expensive.. they need to be ordered 6-8 months in advance so since he put the money out I feel obligated. I need to point out he also renewed 9 races for next yr.. I don' want to go because I am on a high when with him then we get back home and I go into the quicksand. Then I think about the holidays coming and I do not want to have a repeat from last year. I was not good enough to go with him to his daughter's but he took his female friend . He has no respect for me and I know a lot of it is my fault, probably because I came across to him as needy, pushy, insecure, jealous etc, but I know it was due to him constantly lying to me...I would always find out when he is lying.. Thank you all...

Hey Izzibear

"He has no respect for me and I know a lot of it is my fault, probably because I came across to him as needy, pushy, insecure, jealous etc, but I know it was due to him constantly lying to me...I would always find out when he is lying.."

NO! You have done NOTHING wrong, other than to try and be a decent girlfriend to a loser who does not deserve you. But the point is, you are clearly looking at the relationship you have with this man and realising you can do better, which is a huge step. x

As the others have said, it's not easy being on your own after having been married for a long time. It's difficult to make friends, but once you take some initial steps (such as new hobbies, volunteering, joining book groups, etc.), you eventually meet people you 'click' with and don't feel so lonely. Then once you are in this 'place', you will attract a decent man who treats you right.

Izzy, please don't go. I feel so badly for you in this situation but you won't help yourself, as you've already stated, by going with him. You'll be hurt again and you don't deserve that. Think about it for just a minute...there isn't one thing here that makes this so-called man attractive...he's a liar; he's a cheat; he treats you disrespectfully; he is selfish.

This ISN'T WHAT YOU DESERVE! He is not worth the pain and you know it. Stay home. Work on learning to live for and by yourself. And please, seek out a counselor who can help you navigate these new waters. It's not a sign of weakness to reach out for a professional. Sometimes you just need that objective, professional opinion and direction.

Please consider that you don't have this obligation to him...I'm sure he can find someone else to use the tickets. You have a GREATER obligation to YOU. Fulfill it.

Izzy, listen to K, she is making a lot of sense and so are the other friends you have on here...FRIENDS. There is a website called...meetup.com and it is a place where you can meet people, men and women for mutual interests, be it racing, walking, tennis...whatever you fancy. Try it and maybe you can meet some women friends there.

So far, I can see nothing that this man has to offer not only you but your SON. You are feeling needy and that is a self esteem issue and I am willing to bet it's been in the working process way before this guy. I wouldn't go with him either, no way!! Pull way back and stay close here and we will help you talk through this thing. Right now you are not hearing, you are only talking and repeating and I know it hurts bad...so cry and let it out and take care of you and your SON. He is nothing anymore. Imagine what type of man behaves this way and imagine what type of women he will attract...not very high on the self esteem level. Make yourself better than that and BTW, show your son by getting away from this man what a real man is suppose to be like so he knows how to behave when he becomes a man. These are your priorities in life, not him!

p.s. your thread title says ...I can't let go" Izzy, do you WANT to let go? That is a very important question, because if you DO then in time you WILL.

Izzi DONT GO! I know you feel bad about that he has it reserved but TOUGH! what about all those times he hurt you? what about all the times he expected you to be second foot. I bet if the roles were reversed he would have no problem cancelling. I think this guy needs some serious dumping and ASAP. How much giving can you do? I think u think that would be the final straw, that if you do this, then he will never speak to you again. I think if that happens, that be heaven sent. He actually makes my guy not look that bad.
But I also wonder, have you approached him with any of your feelings that you are not happy on how he's been?
I think your afraid to say anything because your afraid even though you want out that he will then use it as a way of getting out of things with you? Because that final thing is so...FINAL..But in his case, as difficult as it is for you, it would be the best thing. if you really dont want to get into an emotional confrontation, I would just say, (even though Id want to say go by yourself, you prick) tell him your sick and you really cant go. That u have the flu and cant handle the journey. Tell him anything but dont go, because what hes done with this other woman is dispicable in how hes treated you. But just to say your sick would be easy, and so much less stressful for you.

"Then I think about the holidays coming and I do not want to have a repeat from last year. I was not good enough to go with him to his daughter's but he took his female friend"

Izzi you said she knows about you, but can you imagine what he's telling her, in fact it almost sounds like your the other woman, being he spends the holidays with her, and she is around his child. Oh I bet he is smooth isnt he, or maybe she just doesnt have anyone else and rather go along with him better then having no one else in the works, or maybe she goes along with it because she has other men also. He also sounds majorly like a commitmentphobic and manages to get things to suit him, meeting women he knows he can control. In any case, he is a bad egg and should be getting rid of. This reminds me of this guy I have met, lets call him 'M.' I met him last year when I was on a break with the guy. He was so cute and treated me so well, I hoped things could develop, but upfront he had told me that he didnt want a serious relationship, yet he did try to have sex with me....I see now he is a real dog!It was shocking bc he was so nice but I did feel bad bc I got to see he didnt show interest to spend weekends with me or even saturday nights..
I have ran into him on occassion, even though we stayed friends, kept in touch, with other women all the time, and a few times the same woman with his kids. I had thought well he must have a GF and yet, calls me to hang out here and there, at the end of the night always wanted to sleep together(which he never got). I kinda wondered why he was even persuing me to date even though it was once a month, when I refused sexual advances and then I see it was just because he had nothing else to loose and figured oh maybe she will one day. We had got into this texting one day and I was at the beach with friends and there he was at the neighboring beach club with her..and I thought here he is texting me when he is with her and his kids..
I think there is alot of guys out there that dont want to commit to one woman, that want to have all these other friends they see once in awhile, but that is not a relationship, its booty call. We're better then that, we dont need to settle for that. Why should we settle for that?

Thank you all for being here. I know she knows all about me..Like my sister said "I am only his racing partner nothing more, nothing less. I was eying this bracelet (for the breast cancer foundation) it was for a good cause, being laid off from work I could not afford to put any money out, and do you think that he would have bought it for me..NOOOOOOOO..I suppose to him it was too personal, but yet he bought me a collectible car which was 70.00...I found out over time that when he does not want to spend time with me he comes down with some sought of illness..He says I do not listen to him, I only hear what I want to hear..but knowing that he is lying to me my emotions then go berserk and all hell breaks loose. I asked him point blank why does he still have contact with her and all he told me was that she needed help with her computer..and that he has not talked to her in a month or so, but just the other day they talked a few times and then they text msg each other..He tells me that I am insanely jealous, and I told him that is not the case, why I didn't tell him it was due to all the lies that was told to me, not wonder I come across as needy, pushy, jealous what woman would not..I told him if there is nothing going on there you should have no contact with her whatsoever..what's the point..I said that you are always talking to her and he said prove it, I can prove a lot of things he has done, especially the lies and the phone calls. I also think to myself if she is just a "friend" why didn't he introduce me to her...I need to stop thinking these thoughts, it is driving me insane..I wonder where he is at, and with whom...just no trust,don't believe anything he says anymore. He tells me I talk to someone I went to school with and accuses me of having an affair, yes, I do talk to that person I went to school with but he is 700 miles away where she is only 10 minutes from him...Again, thank you for listening and letting me vent.

You all have a "Happy Thanksgiving"

Oh izzi, u wouldnt believe what just happened to me-I just threw him out, 7 min. ago. He was so good, maybe it was expected bc hes been good, but we were playing and he swung his foot around and hit me in the ear and I fell down. All I felt was a throbbing, but it was enough. I went to my room and locked the double doors, and yet I could not go to sleep. I then got up and went to the guest room and said, I want you out of my house. I said what you did was wrong, so upsetting, its thanksgiving. I had gone to families to hear comments from my siblings, to hear my sister make judgements on things that pertain to me, on purpose. I lost my job n just 2 weeks ago my ex, which was financially supporting me ( he has 7 more years alimony still) has left the country, and nowhere to be seen. So yes, besides him, I got alot on my plate, like I really needed to be even playfully hit. He said he didnt mean it, but said, I will go..
In any case I walked him out, he said, I really didnt mean to do it but its not like he really even tried to make up for it.. I should go, Im sorry. yet it still doesnt take away the pain I feel right now, I told him, not looking at him, I never want to see you again. I said this is ricdiculous..He said you shouldnt of hit me. Like Im really a 6 foot 3 construction worker..
I think when you feel pain, nothing can replace it. I have also had those night, where u eye things, and god they cant even buy u a little something to make you feel special. He would of been the same way, he also wouldnt of brought the bracelet.
The pain is starting to go away, but I really feel I need to be alone. I really dont want to deal with this anymore.

Princessa A You threw him out and I do believe that this will make you a stronger person. All my life I let people walk all over me and that is all I know..I always think about the other person and not me...I always have made sure that the kids had what they needed, my husband (who is now deceased) my sister, if they needed something I was always there whether I wanted to be or not. I guess my cousin is right when she says, when you say yes to someone you are saying no to yourself. I guess this is why I take a lot of stuff from this man. I spent Thanksgiving alone my daughter and grandchildren always goes over her in-laws and that goes for Christmas also...If I do not let go of this man it will be holding me back from meeting someone who truly wants to be with me..I also got laid off from work, been unemployed now since july 1. I am now in the process of fixing, painting my condo and I hope by the 2nd week in dec I will be able to put it on the market. I know the market is not good now, but I have no other choice. I am glad to hear that the pain is starting to go away. Once I let go of this man it will be very painful for me..but my sister said it is better to be alone than with someone who is verbally abusive to you..I need to do this and I will...Princessa A please take care

This is so weird, how our lives are conincide-I was let go a few months ago, and also am painting and fixing things up in my house to sell. Finding out I wasnt getting anymore alimony was devestating-that was my income and source of security. When I found all this out, I was literally awake nites, so much stress. Im in debt..I went to families yesterday to hear my sibling say about this and that and her, "you need to get more layers in your hair.." or this or that, and comparing people we grew up with making them seem they are so great-and she has to put one up on me towards my parents, bragging about herself. How she isnt in financial ruin, this and that, its so much pressure. I nearly blew. Then he calls me to come by after his families, in which he does that. He said it was an accident. I was teasing him I spanked his leg, I mean, we were laughing but he then turned around and wacked me with his foot so hard I went down. Things then completely turned, I was like, this is unbelievable. I mean really. He is a guy and strong, he never should of hit me with that much force, kidding or not. After all my problems, like I really need this. And no one understands. My sister keeps saying all this crap to me, Im like do you think money grows on trees? She is so spoiled, plays tennis all day, like I really need her comments..so that was my thanksgiving. Sorry you were alone, I often think of those people that are alone on holidays.
There are just some people out there that are majorly clueless, they say stupid things without any consideration on how someone feels. I have always thought of others and put them first, this is why Ive been walked on by so many. But you know what? Im done with it. I dont want to be bitter but the time has come-Ive had enough.
Even the other day going to the store, I needed a few cans and cat food and would u believe he even takes a lousy 4 bucks from me. Unbelievable. Knowing my finances, even a lousy 4 dollars..We had such a pleasant morning cooking together, but it never lasts, he always does something extreme, I am so fed up and sick of it.

Princess, so that was your crappy Thanksgiving:(
After all my problems, like I really need this. And no one understands. My sister keeps saying all this crap to me, Im like do you think money grows on trees? She is so spoiled, plays tennis all day, like I really need her comments..so that was my thanksgiving.
----
Tennis anyone?
Give her a money tree for Christmas and tell her to Shuddup:)))

BF says he was just kidding when he whacked you in the foot and you went down!?!
Oh yeah? Get an ace bandage and wear it whenever you see BF... until New Year's.
Give him a visual... men are such Dumba$$es at times.

Auds
xoxox

Thank you audrey, but I really have to move on from him. It breaks my heart, I cared so much, but that was the last straw. It was my ear, not foot. He swung his foot around while he was laying down and clunched me and I fell down. We were kidding around, but it was how hard he did it that pushed me over the edge.
Last night we got into the nastiest texting war, I cant even repeat the terribly mean things he said to me, one for instance, was 'ur finding out I dont deserve you anymore.." and "you look way over 50, your a drunken lush bi%ch...it went on and on in which I also told him off that I want nothing more to do with him. We have had fights before, and alot of break ups in which he had so much control over me he got me to be the one to try to make up, when I didnt even do anything wrong. Now I need strength to stay away from him.

Princess I know what you mean..God give us the strength to stay away. We always get in such arguments yelling..probably much like your texting war. I too need to move on. He does not deserve me I am such a good loving caring person and he cannot reciprocate. He tells me he cares that could be but not the way that I need and want. I know about control. Princess your sister sounds like mine..

Isnt it the truth, they arent giving us what we want and the longer we stay attached, the harder it will be to move on. I think when you feel what love is, and it falls short you hang on to that glimmer of hope things will change. I am now reading, "Dealbreaker" Its pretty good. I did see him at a party last tonight. he kept coming around me like a lost puppy but I was tough, Im not just going to forget the things he said. I think he was surprised I left without awaiting him to walk me to my car. He then texted me if I got home ok and made some small talk about my wanting nothing more to do with him-he said, "you were treating me like the ass I am.." Its a pattern, and he THINKS he can get away with it. In the book it says all about this, they call it the honeymoon period, in fact when a guy is such a jerk he kinda gets it all out of his system and then he feels bad, in fact can act like he did when u first met. But last night, he didnt even buy me a friggin drink!!
I know when I am at my limit-I had wrote him back, how can I possibly be any different, I am not just going to forget what you said to me in text. The other guy would of but against me in controversey, but he said, "yeah, I understand." What he understands is he has to keep his mouth shut-its so important to me right now not to give in.

Princess, I wish I could be as strong as you are..If we get in an argument it is me always apologizing. I have been holding on for a glimmer of hope (I hate to say it) but for 5 yrs..It is always the same. He is always telling me that it has to be my way or the highway. He could go all day and night without giving me a call to see how I am doing. I remember I was so sick with a cold/flu and he was here ready to go home..I had nothing here to take and he did not even offer to go to the drug store to get me something before he left. Every conversation we have is always about him..I am glad to hear that you are not letting him get to you. My sister tells me there is no hope for me..I keep going back for more..she says just remember, you are his racing partner, nothing more..I guess I need someone that wants to be with me..Here it is Sunday, and I am home painting and it is a beautiful day out. I was thinking about just getting out, but I also need to finish painting if I want to put this place on the market. Maybe next time he turns on me I will be strong enough to move on and not answer any of his calls.

Your sister shouldnt tell you there is no hope for you-that is such negativity that you dont need. There is hope for you-there is always hope, if not what else do we have? Izzi I had it today, and had texted him about 3 hours ago, telling him I can no longer do a romantic relationship with him, I just told him straight out that I can not get over the things he said to me friday evening. It is why I did not leave with him saturday, in fact I drove drunk which was very bad of me and dangerous thats much I couldnt go becuase I cant forget what he said. I was with my good friend today and read him his messages, in which he said, I would never give my body up to him again after that. He was just in awe reading these messages-he couldnt believe the things he said. For 2 years we have had on again off again, but like your guy, its always been my way or the highway why I never really set it in stone. I heard that if you ever set a gemini man free they will never return. My x was one when I told him, he never returned. This is why I was hestitant to really say it to really say I cant continue this anymore. Its so final but I would never say it in fear he would leave. But this time he went too far-it was abuse and I dont deserve it I cant accept it anymore.
No it doesnt sound like your ready to move on, that you dont have it yet, that feeling, but you want to, dont you? you know how it starts you got to start to make another life, that is trying to get to meet some new people, its baby steps you cant move on overnight. But you can move on, little by little. Start small get yourself out there but dont feel your hopeless that this life with him is hopeless. Yes I am really sad, there was such perks to the relationship and I HATE the fact of spending the holidays again alone. I had an extremely bad NY EVE last year bc he went out with someone else, which he even brought up friday that she was 'good.' This is what he did to me, never saying but implying things to make me think, he ment, she was better in bed then you but then never sayin it so he can always deny thats what he ment. Thats how he has been manipulating me since we met.
Well I am angry and done. I dread the holidays but I also think, wouldnt it be worse to be with him knowing I really shouldnt be with this guy? whats the benefit to be with someone when your thinking you know you shouldnt be? Is it really worth it? The passion isnt worth the pain.

I know that I should not be with him..when he is here, he isn't..I know I come across to him as needy, pushy, jealous etc, BUT I feel that if he wasn't lying to me over and over, and I know that they are lies, I would not be that way. There is no trust and without trust there is nothing. I spent last year alone for the holidays..With me too on/off again..I know that this "so called" relationship is one-sided...I feel as if I have to do all the work...Just like you I feel that this is a pattern in our lives..He is always turning things around to make feel like it is my fault...He is a chronic liar, I have to admit..he will lie to me for the smallest things..things that no need to be lied about..I just feel he doesn't want me to know what is going on in his life...He knows I do not believe him half the time..It is just the way he comes across that at times gets my emotions going. I am glad that you had the strength to say the things you did and keep saying to yourself He is not worth it..I keep saying that to myself, he is not worth it a relationship should not be this hard..I feel that I am verbally abused by this man, but my husband was the same way with the yelling etc...I know this man will NOT change so therefore I am the one who has to change..I cannot go through life anymore wondering what is he doing, where is he going and with whom..it is not worth it, Like I said before, I have no trust...I have to agree with you...the passion is not worth the pain......

I have to ask you again, Izzi, Why do you want to be with a liar? I am telling you as a woman who was lied to for 20 years that it DOES NOT get better. Do you really want to spend your life never knowing if someone is being honest with you? I'm here to tell you that it SUCKS! It saps your energy, your intellect, your trust, your self-image and, in the end, your soul. Izzi, you know what you need to do...do it. This is not a healthy relationship and it is NOT better to be with this man than to be alone. Learn to love who YOU are. Learn to enjoy your time by and with yourself. And get professional help to do it if you need to. There is NO SHAME in getting help. The shame is in knowing you NEED help and not getting it.

Izzi this is just really bad what your going through and he makes my guy actually not look so bad-the point I am trying to make it, what your putting up with is really intolerable. One thing to say a rude things but what your dealing with is inexcusable. I just dont understand what he is offering you-this guy is no catch he is not even a friend. I feel I deserve better and I should not have to put up with my guys remarks-just that alone is enough to walk away but to be with a chonic liar-what good can it be to have him in your life?
You really have to find the strength to work on yourself and stop showing your weakness to him-its not flattering to him or yourself. I have done it so I am no one to judge but there comes a time when you have to say enough is enough, you must control your urge to contact him. Why let him take your weakness?
I feel that u feel there is no one else and you would rather have someone in your life. I felt this same way back with the real bad one. I had no friends my ex h was gone-no kids, I was all by myself. I can understand why you are with him, but it will get worse. It got worse with him, finally I wised up and rid him. I never went back. And now I have another although still not nearly as bad as the one that many years ago-but I also have to make a new life without this one. Yes its a hard road but we are better then this. Its better to be alone then to be constantly drained by being with a person like this.
So at the end last night he sends me a long text, about what a beautiful person I am, that I am right, he acted like a complete jerk, he doesnt deserve me..was a pang to get that-and admitting he lied about the comments just was so angry with me. And yet I would like to fall back into his arms, I can not. Because the cycle will repeat all over again a month from now. I cant do it I have to get out now. I told him I can not forget the things he said. He said I deserve it( for me to leave him). That was last we communicated.
Do you have any access to any books? I swear by 'emotional blackmail' when I was done with that book, I was completely cured of my obbession with that guy, that was how I rid him. You got to try to make a better life. Sooner or later he will bore of also depending on you and go for someone else. You got to get out now. I am reading, "Dealbreaker." This is the book that is going to get me out of this relationship like the other book. We are the ones that have to go and get out there and work on a better life.

He called me this morning at 3am to tell me that his cat had died..I felt bad..well anyway, I went with him today to the cemetery and made arrangements for her to be buried..I also have my 3 dogs and cat at this particular cemetery. In the meantime, this so called female friend of his called him and left him a msg, stating that if you want to come over and move the computer this afternoon I will be home....
He called me to say that he got home ok..and that he wanted to be alone and chill. he said that he will call me in 2 hrs, 3hrs or maybe 5 hours whatever....Knowing she wants him to come over to move her computer, where do you think my mind goes..this is what I am dealing with.,I was thinking to myself maybe I will call him to see if he is home, but then I said what for..if he does not go over there today, there is always tomorrow... I have not told him that I am putting my condo on the market and I do not plan to.. I know for a fact that he lies to me and NO I do not want to spend whatever time I have left with a man that can't even tell me I look nice, take me out to dinner, a movie anything...the only time we go to dinner is when we are on the road going/coming from a race. Like every one tells me GET THE HELL away from him.. K203 you are absolutely right when you say it saps all your energy, self-esteem etc. I feel between now and Christmas something will give..I can relate to the merry-go-round..I had stopped talking to him a while back for about 2-3 weeks but then it started all over again. next time i choose not to pick up the phone will be the last.. oh princessa, I will look into getting that book "emotional blackmail". I need/want to thank you all for being there for me. I really appreciate it. You all take care.

It sounds like he is dependent on you like your his mother-and here what it all is about, they really dont even realize this, but I think he is clueless and you know why? I dont think your in love with him I think your only carrying on with him bc u just dont have anything else to do and your bored. Unfortunately he is the only one in the works right now because your not exposed to anyone else. But the things he does, telling you about this other woman, I think is to find out your intend, he also has to think well she really has nothing else that is why she is putting up with this. Have u told him ur unhappy with what he is offering? Is he aware that your really want to get away from him and would if someone better came along? He sounds like such a cold person, I cant imagine him giving any real feeling, that is what I get from your posts, that he is hard and very cold. I feel he is dependent on you- and you are also dependent on him. but where does that lead? Just that he speaks of this other woman is strange. I also think, that maybe you are not as upfront with him as he is with you. I may be mistaken but are you ever going to face him and tell him what you told us or are you really unsure if you want to because you really dont want a real life with him?
I had those feelings that even though I was unhappy with things my ex my guy whatever guy has said, I am really unsure if I really want to come that upfront because Im not sure if this is the guy for me.