I don't wanna let go, am I being naive?
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 04:12 pm
So I've been dating this guy for almost nine months now a year is right around the corner. He's an amazing person, I admire and adore everything about him. So last night we were texting on the phone (talking about our sexual fantasies, its more of a casual conversation now more then anything). I'll stop stalling he texted me and said "oh is that from your bondage days" next message read, "yeah you look hott". I texted him back saying he should watch who he's texting, and it went from there. We ended up on the phone and discussed our dating status. First he apologized for the text messages and said she meant nothing to him. Just some girl that he knew way before me and she contacted him last month, randomly. I told him I knew after this long with no commitment I knew he didn't really care about me and that things were going no where. He said that it wasn't true and he does care about me and he thinks about me a lot of the time. He said he hasn't "cheated" (which since we're only dating wouldn't really be him cheating since we're not in a committed relationship), he's gone out and talked to girls but nothing serious. He said he didn't want a relationship at this point in time in life, that he likes his freedom. Then he said he also likes me and what we have, he said he feels guilty. I said that I know what I'm getting into and I didn't want to lose him that I wanted to be with him. I said he wanted to keep his options open, that he didn't really want to be with. He said that wasn't it either. Why didn't he just say he doesn't really want to be with me, why when I he found out I was going to pawn my computer to pay my rent and deposit he wouldn't let me. He handed me a check and said I needed my computer for school and we would work out the money later. I confronted him practically put the words in his mouth, and he wouldn't say "no I don't wanna be with you and this is going no where". Then again I practically made it okay. Bottom line is I don't know what bothers me more, the fact that I still don' exist in his life or that throughout the entire conversation not once did he seem like he even cared that he could lose me. I can't just let him go but something tells me he could careless if he lost me.
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 05:16 pm
Oh to be 20 something again if I could know what I know now :)
Yes you are being naive. When a guy tells you he doesn't want a relationship--He doesn't want a relationship with you. This is not because there is anything wrong with you but because the timing or chemistry is not right with him. Period.
The more you hang on the more he will pull away. Sure he likes the computer flirting but you are a pleasant diversion. You are Miss 70%. You are Miss B+
He is being as honest as he can. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings and he does like you. He would gladly have you as a FWB if that is what you want.
Save yourself some pain Honey and retreat. Don't contact him anymore.
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 05:13 pm
LET HIM GO! I did the same thing...my ex FWB didn't want a real relationship and wanted his freedom but "liked" me too...I hung on for a year too long and ended up here...heartbroken and sick to my stomach! Listen to what he is saying and just accept it as hard as it will be...you have got to do it for yourself! I have been there and its not an easy road to let go but baby that road if you stay will be so rough, you will want to do him bodily harm!
I'm sorry, but he isn't ready!
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 05:20 pm
So you know what you are getting into and you don't want to lose him. Do you really know what you are saying. You are saying I don't value myself enough, I will take his crumbs. Please don't take crumbs. It also shows him you don't value yourself when you do this and the chances of him ever commiting to someone he does not value are slim to none. You only chance is to walk and perhaps he will come back perhaps he won't but settle for nothing less than the whole pie.
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 05:55 pm
He said he didn't want a relationship at this point in time in life, that he likes his freedom.
Then he said he also likes me and what we have, he said he feels guilty.
I said that I know what I'm getting into and I didn't want to lose him that I wanted to be with him.
Those two expressions DON'T MATCH!!!
The fact that he's telling you he feels guilty for being with you is PROOF that he will not give you what you want. He feels guilty for taking from you and consciously giving you nothing in return.
If he loved you, even if he was ambivalent, he wouldn't feel guilty.
Unfortunately, it doesn't matter that you don't want to lose him. You don't have him! It doesn't matter that you want to be with him. He doesn't want to be with anyone right now!
If you knew what you were getting into, you would be off having emotionally unsatisfying NSA sex right now instead of worrying about your heart and seeking advice.
So he hasn't told you, literally in words, that he doesn't want to be with you. Isn't that what his actions are communicating? Why do you have to wait around and torture yourself waiting for him to come out and say it expressly?
I am very sorry to seem so harsh, but his actions are telling you he is not the person you need. So why stick around, when you could be out finding the person who makes you feel like the person you want to be?
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 06:00 pm
There are lots of guys So. Don't waste your time with one that has one foot in the relationship and one on the gas pedal.
He will dump you in 2 seconds flat when he finds someone that he clicks better with. You will "lose" him anyway.
That doesn't mean you aren't good enough. You are too good to waste your time like this
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 06:08 pm
Maybe... just maybe, she isn't ready for a relationship either and she knows that when she is it would be with the one who matches her.. (HIM - in terms of attraction and stage/ level of readiness for relationships for example)...
So she feels torn and so does he...
What is there to do but to do what you have to and want to in life first... keep chatting to each other as friends if you like and when you are both ready (this will depend on how willing and dedicated you are to getting yourself to that 'place' where you are free-er for a relationship for example) who knows what sparks could fly and amazing things could take course?!
;) xx
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 06:50 pm
I'm the girl he's dated the longest since his last relationship 2 years ago. He broke it off because he wasn't ready to take things to the next level, and we've been together since March. I feel like I should respect that fact. Should I just start dating other people myself but still keep in touch with him. I don't feel like I should cut of ties completely, things started out so amazing. I don't really have the time for a committed relationship either, I have school, work, my friends.
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 08:19 pm
So Confused26,
Its so hard to be in the position you are in. If he would let you, would you not spend every waking minute with him? If he told you, I love you, I want to be with you forever, wouldn't you jump at the chance? It's been 9 months. Why do you think that one day you are gonna to wake up and that is going to be the day that he changes his mind that he's ready to be in a serious relationship with you if he hasn't already done it? By now you know him better, he knows you. Don't be like me and wait around for 18 months and wind up being in the exact same position you were at month 2. Always wanting to get in, but never being allowed to except when he wants to be with you. Trust me, I know how hard it is. To this day, I still have in the back of my mind, oh maybe one day he'll be ready...... NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I know this, and yet I still tremble with excitement when I'm around him. (pathetic, I know) The other day, I had completely decided that I was done, Gonna get over him, and I actually kinda convinced myself, that I was done. And after 3 weeks of NC, on the day after I told myself, no more wasting my precious time and love on this boy, He decides to text me. That little bitty text sent me into a whirlwind, and although I didn't answer his text, I haven't been able to get him out of my mind. You don't want to live like this. Its miserable. Your guy friend will let this go on as long as you let him or until he meets someone else that completely sweeps him off his feet. Don't be silly like me. Trust me, its not worth it. I know what I should do, and yet I continue to let this guy have power over me. I hope the day comes soon when I'm on here telling you guys that I finally got over him. Til then I just take it one day at a time.
If you do decide on NC, realize that it is going to be difficult. You are going to have impulses to contact him. IGNORE those impulses. Let him miss you. Then maybe he'll want more. If not, learn from this go around, so that the next time you can avoid a FWB situation. I don't think any woman wants A FWB situation. They just settle for it. Its not worth it.
Tue Nov 17 2009 - 08:26 pm
SOCONFUSED...YOU ARE GIVING EXCUSES...BEEN THERE! DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO, BUT IN THE END WITH ALL OF YOUR CLASSES, WORK AND FRIENDS THIS GUY IS SOMEONE YOU WANT AND HE WILL END UP HURTING YOU...IF YOU WANT TO TAKE THAT CHANCE AND JUST HAVE THE EXPERIENCE TO TELL ANOTHER WOMAN THAT WILL UNDOUBTEDLY GO THRU IT TOO..THEN BY ALL MEANS GO FOR IT...BUT WE ON THIS SITE IS HERE TO HELP YOU NOT HAVE THAT PAIN AND JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE!
WHEN YOU ALLOW THINGS LIKE THIS TO HAPPEN, THEY DO LOSE ALL RESPECT FOR YOU AND THAT IS THE WORSE THING TO HAVE A MAN LOSE FOR YOU! I KNOW...IT HAPPENED TO ME! HE MIGHT TELL ME TO THIS DAY THAT HE RESPECTS AND CARES FOR ME BUT HIS ACTIONS ARE SO FAR FROM IT ITS RIDICULOUS!
PLEASE DO YOURSELF A LONGTERM FAVOR...LET HIM GO!
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 12:44 pm
He is not your love. He is your addiction. Like any other addiction you need to go cold turkey. Just let him go
Inspiration Story:
Connect w/ Paige
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