Oh to be 20 something again if I could know what I know now :)

Yes you are being naive. When a guy tells you he doesn't want a relationship--He doesn't want a relationship with you. This is not because there is anything wrong with you but because the timing or chemistry is not right with him. Period.

The more you hang on the more he will pull away. Sure he likes the computer flirting but you are a pleasant diversion. You are Miss 70%. You are Miss B+

He is being as honest as he can. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings and he does like you. He would gladly have you as a FWB if that is what you want.

Save yourself some pain Honey and retreat. Don't contact him anymore.

LET HIM GO! I did the same thing...my ex FWB didn't want a real relationship and wanted his freedom but "liked" me too...I hung on for a year too long and ended up here...heartbroken and sick to my stomach! Listen to what he is saying and just accept it as hard as it will be...you have got to do it for yourself! I have been there and its not an easy road to let go but baby that road if you stay will be so rough, you will want to do him bodily harm!
I'm sorry, but he isn't ready!

So you know what you are getting into and you don't want to lose him. Do you really know what you are saying. You are saying I don't value myself enough, I will take his crumbs. Please don't take crumbs. It also shows him you don't value yourself when you do this and the chances of him ever commiting to someone he does not value are slim to none. You only chance is to walk and perhaps he will come back perhaps he won't but settle for nothing less than the whole pie.

He said he didn't want a relationship at this point in time in life, that he likes his freedom.
Then he said he also likes me and what we have, he said he feels guilty.

I said that I know what I'm getting into and I didn't want to lose him that I wanted to be with him.

Those two expressions DON'T MATCH!!!

The fact that he's telling you he feels guilty for being with you is PROOF that he will not give you what you want. He feels guilty for taking from you and consciously giving you nothing in return.

If he loved you, even if he was ambivalent, he wouldn't feel guilty.

Unfortunately, it doesn't matter that you don't want to lose him. You don't have him! It doesn't matter that you want to be with him. He doesn't want to be with anyone right now!

If you knew what you were getting into, you would be off having emotionally unsatisfying NSA sex right now instead of worrying about your heart and seeking advice.

So he hasn't told you, literally in words, that he doesn't want to be with you. Isn't that what his actions are communicating? Why do you have to wait around and torture yourself waiting for him to come out and say it expressly?

I am very sorry to seem so harsh, but his actions are telling you he is not the person you need. So why stick around, when you could be out finding the person who makes you feel like the person you want to be?

There are lots of guys So. Don't waste your time with one that has one foot in the relationship and one on the gas pedal.

He will dump you in 2 seconds flat when he finds someone that he clicks better with. You will "lose" him anyway.

That doesn't mean you aren't good enough. You are too good to waste your time like this

Maybe... just maybe, she isn't ready for a relationship either and she knows that when she is it would be with the one who matches her.. (HIM - in terms of attraction and stage/ level of readiness for relationships for example)...

So she feels torn and so does he...

What is there to do but to do what you have to and want to in life first... keep chatting to each other as friends if you like and when you are both ready (this will depend on how willing and dedicated you are to getting yourself to that 'place' where you are free-er for a relationship for example) who knows what sparks could fly and amazing things could take course?!

;) xx

I'm the girl he's dated the longest since his last relationship 2 years ago. He broke it off because he wasn't ready to take things to the next level, and we've been together since March. I feel like I should respect that fact. Should I just start dating other people myself but still keep in touch with him. I don't feel like I should cut of ties completely, things started out so amazing. I don't really have the time for a committed relationship either, I have school, work, my friends.

So Confused26,
Its so hard to be in the position you are in. If he would let you, would you not spend every waking minute with him? If he told you, I love you, I want to be with you forever, wouldn't you jump at the chance? It's been 9 months. Why do you think that one day you are gonna to wake up and that is going to be the day that he changes his mind that he's ready to be in a serious relationship with you if he hasn't already done it? By now you know him better, he knows you. Don't be like me and wait around for 18 months and wind up being in the exact same position you were at month 2. Always wanting to get in, but never being allowed to except when he wants to be with you. Trust me, I know how hard it is. To this day, I still have in the back of my mind, oh maybe one day he'll be ready...... NOT GONNA HAPPEN. I know this, and yet I still tremble with excitement when I'm around him. (pathetic, I know) The other day, I had completely decided that I was done, Gonna get over him, and I actually kinda convinced myself, that I was done. And after 3 weeks of NC, on the day after I told myself, no more wasting my precious time and love on this boy, He decides to text me. That little bitty text sent me into a whirlwind, and although I didn't answer his text, I haven't been able to get him out of my mind. You don't want to live like this. Its miserable. Your guy friend will let this go on as long as you let him or until he meets someone else that completely sweeps him off his feet. Don't be silly like me. Trust me, its not worth it. I know what I should do, and yet I continue to let this guy have power over me. I hope the day comes soon when I'm on here telling you guys that I finally got over him. Til then I just take it one day at a time.
If you do decide on NC, realize that it is going to be difficult. You are going to have impulses to contact him. IGNORE those impulses. Let him miss you. Then maybe he'll want more. If not, learn from this go around, so that the next time you can avoid a FWB situation. I don't think any woman wants A FWB situation. They just settle for it. Its not worth it.

SOCONFUSED...YOU ARE GIVING EXCUSES...BEEN THERE! DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO, BUT IN THE END WITH ALL OF YOUR CLASSES, WORK AND FRIENDS THIS GUY IS SOMEONE YOU WANT AND HE WILL END UP HURTING YOU...IF YOU WANT TO TAKE THAT CHANCE AND JUST HAVE THE EXPERIENCE TO TELL ANOTHER WOMAN THAT WILL UNDOUBTEDLY GO THRU IT TOO..THEN BY ALL MEANS GO FOR IT...BUT WE ON THIS SITE IS HERE TO HELP YOU NOT HAVE THAT PAIN AND JUST LEAVE HIM ALONE!
WHEN YOU ALLOW THINGS LIKE THIS TO HAPPEN, THEY DO LOSE ALL RESPECT FOR YOU AND THAT IS THE WORSE THING TO HAVE A MAN LOSE FOR YOU! I KNOW...IT HAPPENED TO ME! HE MIGHT TELL ME TO THIS DAY THAT HE RESPECTS AND CARES FOR ME BUT HIS ACTIONS ARE SO FAR FROM IT ITS RIDICULOUS!
PLEASE DO YOURSELF A LONGTERM FAVOR...LET HIM GO!

He is not your love. He is your addiction. Like any other addiction you need to go cold turkey. Just let him go

So after no sleep and a very long day at school (thank God I didn't have work too) one of my girlfriends came over and we discussed the incident the night before along with my relationship from past to present. Between the two of us we decided that I needed to write down what I wanted and deserved in a relationship. She also suggested that I date other people in the meantime, instead of committing myself to someone who had no true commitment to me. So I did and the next day I went over to his place after class. I told him what I wanted in a relationship and how I wanted to be treated. I told him that I had more respect for myself then to just wait around for him to make up his mind. I told him that I needed to be enough, he told me that I was almost there an that he has deep feelings for me. I told him almost doesn't count. Like someone said I thought I had lost him and truth is I don't even have him. I told him that too, and he said that I kind of had him. I told him that wasn't enough. Long story short I told him that for now on since I really don't exist in his world (meaning if an opportunity presents herself he's going to pursue it, his friends, family, co-workers know who I am) that he no longer exist in mine. I said "I'm fun, smart, and gorgeous I'm an amazing girl!", that he was lucky to have me. So I told him for now on if I'm out with friends and a guy approaches me, if I think it's worth it I'm going to take the opportunity and date other people. He's actually pretty upset about it (trust me I saw his face and he couldn't look me in the eye), but he forced out that it was fair and that he understood and proceeded to go down my list of how I should be treated by "someone" in a relationship and said that he does do those things some more then others. See after talking to my girlfriend we both decided that it wasn't that he didn't care, bottom line is he's just not ready for a relationship. The girl thing is inexcusable commitment or not, and I told him that and he apologized repeatedly (once again saying it was stupid and she meant nothing). Although at this time he's kind of lost my trust, I feel he thought I would just wait around until he was ready. So we shall see, if he makes up his mind or if he loses me to someone else. Thank you everyone for your support. I know some of you said drop him but I think he needs time whether I'll be around when he makes up his mind is now a different story.

Other mothers have handsome sons.

you lost me Xhris...

Anyway, I am glad you got a solution to this. Miss 75% isn't enough. Move on.

Thetababe,

I think that is what Xhris just said, "other mothers have handsome sons" aka move on.

LOL!!

Thanks for the translation EJ

If we keep holding out for someone who is not putting much effort into building a strong relationship, how much time should they be given?

None, no time! I would rather be alone.

EB, I think you've raised a really great question there, and when I read it, I thought to myself, "Gee, I'd quite like the answer to that one myself!"

I don't know there is a right answer as it all depends. What might be the right length of time for one woman, might not be right for another.

I guess though, at the end of the day, it's how it makes you feel inside. If a man isn't putting work into building a strong relationship, then that will usually create in us, feelings of neglect, loneliness, upset and frustration. When those feelings predominate, (that is, we feel awful more time than not), then that's when it's the right time for us to move on.

I endured a relationship with a man for ten months. He was a really great guy with a lot of excellent qualities, but the physical side -well, not to put too finer point on it, it was pretty lacklustre! Finally, I ended it because I couldn't stand it anymore. Now to some, ten months would have been way too long. But I hung in there as a/ he had so many fine qualities, and I didn't feel horrible all the time - in fact sometimes it was even pretty good! And b/ I needed to be sure I'd done everything possible myself - to give it a fair go.

Contrast that to a man I met just recently. I could feel distance right from early on and I was feeling pretty awful most of the time as a result of that. Now I chose to have a chat with that man after only six weeks. To some, that would have been too soon, but I decided the timing was right for me.

I'd be really interested hearing from other women on this one.

soconfused...You did it! You set your boundaries and let him know your self esteem is now in tact. Now walk the walk, it will help ease your mind. he has to grow up some and you are not his mommy. Take care of you and I applaud your girlfriend for her sensible advice...she sounds like a true friend! :)

I agree that "how it makes you feel inside" has a lot to do with the time you should put into a relationship. I didn't give those "feelings" enough consideration in the beginning and now I find myself heartbroken a YEAR later.

For example, my friend waited OVER a week to contact me after we had FIRST met each other. He had asked me to email him before we parted that evening. But by the time I received his reply, I felt saddened and let down and couldn't come up with the right words since my joy just wasn't there compared to days earlier when I was anticipating his reply. However, I found it in myself to make the best of his kindness and accepted his request for friendship.

Looking back, I should have paid more attention to those feelings at the start. If so, I wouldn't have agreed to a friendship with him knowing that he would be slow to please (or perhaps not interested enough), wouldn't have experienced the recent painful heartbreak of no romantic future together (recently learned of) and wouldn't be in the process of fading him out (less correspondence) of my life so that I can move on.

What do you know, replying to his last email gave me the same lost words that I had in the beginning. Because I felt that questions of interest were missing from his correspondence. I am now beginning to see a pattern and should have respected my feelings in the beginning.

That's not to say that we didn't have a wonderful year. It's only to say that I will not be able to claim another wonderful year and that I have learned what to look for and what to do about a man's behavior so as not to lose my heart in the process.

I think (this is what I am learning) to keep yourself "out there" and not put all of your eggs in one basket. It sort of keeps us grounded and helps to guard the heart.

BTW, this is not only what I am learning, but practicing!