I don't know who he truly is- the husband with 10 years of marriage
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 10:58 am
I'm looking for help. We have been M for 10 years. He cheated me with his ex g in my house while I was out if the country and was pregnant with our first child. I did not know about this until 7 months later when using his cell phone. He swear that it ended month ago and that he only loved me and would do whatever it take to regain my trust. It took me 3 weeks to tell him that I would forgive him and agreed to move forward. We had a date in a hotel, we read " how to survive after an affair" book, discussed and planed to spend more time with each other, date each other, talk with each other and that he would be tranparancy in everything until I can completely trust him again. We made love that night and I was so happy with the thought that I did the right thing by giving him a chance, giving me a chance and my 6 months old daughter a full family.
During this time, he did everything he told me- he showed me the changes, he came home early, help talking care of the baby, spending time talking with me, making love with me...
3 days later, I was shopping for a gift to give him a surprise on our next date, I called him but he did not answer which was odd. I felt something that was not right. I cam home that night and while he was asleep I checked his phone and able to see his deleted text messages. I could not believe what I saw, he was cheating with another girl behind my back!
I was in a terrible pain- because I have just forgiven him for his first affair only 3 days ago. 3 days later I got evidence of another affair. I called him and confronted him, he said I was imagining thing due to my lack of trust to him. I called the girl, she swear up and down that they do not have a relationship. I We back to the hotel where we stayed 3 days ago and he kept denying saying they just flirt with each other through text message, that was all nothing else. Finally when I confronted him about one of his chat he mentioned with the other girl that he worried that his wife is suspicious and may caught him seeing her- he then kept silence for 15 minutes and finally admitted the truth- that they did indeed seeing each other- but they only slept with each other 2 times. That to him it is not love, he just likes her, and he felt good because a 25 year old girl wanting him- a 40 year old man ( he actually looks much younger for his age)
I cried and screamed and used all horrible words to him and her. He told me he still loves me only and do not want to break up the family. To prove it, he took his phone and text the girl told her that he told his wife everything and can't no longer see her. The girl opologized to me and swear that she would not contact us again. ( He and this girl met at the gym where he goes there everyday- at first he paid her to train him, then he taught her swimming, I saw their chat a few time a month ago and told him I did not like it, he told me then that this girl just flirts with everybody, has a belly button with ring which he does not like at all at girl! When I found out his first affair, I asked him to not meet this girl, do not teach her to swim becuase I felt uneasy he laughed and said I should not be worry and that he would not see her just for my sake... Oh GOD how could he lied so well !!!! )
That night, I bought a ticket and sent him back to america, while I'm still staying at my home country even he begged to let him stay. I told him to go and search his soul to see who he truly wants: his ex, his new girl, or me and the baby.
Now we meet each other via Skype so he can see our little girl.
He told me he wants us only and wanted to be back together.
But I'm in so much pain and doubt. I do not know this man anymore. I do not know if he really meant it or it is just a lie.
I still love him so much and want us to be back togther, so my daughter has a father and that we could love each other again but I'm fear that he will cheat again and hurt us again- which I can't no longer bear with it because it's destroying me , my heart my soul my work.... everything
When I asked him the reason for his first affair, he said it was because they were in love when they were 13 year old, then he went to army and they lost in touch because of her parent hid his letters. He looked for her after he got out of the army but she has already married.
With the new girl, he said he came to my country feeling so lonely, I was busy with work and the new born and he did not have his own space so he went to the gym everyday- where he met her. He said they do not love each other but he shared with the girl everything about me uncluding his first affair??? I'm really hurt, I think he probably loves her so much to be able to share everything like that- thing he did not share with me- the person who has been with him for 10 years...
I do not know what to do. And I wonder how could he lied so well, one after another like that...
It seems he is not hurt at all only me is.
Thanks,
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 11:10 am
Hi 3dfan
I am so sorry you have had to go through this. I am not quite sure what sort of help you are looking for, or that I can offer any, but I would like to offer my sympathy.
For what it's worth, I don't blame you for sending him packing. The first affair was bad enough, although if he had *genuinely* been sorry and it had been an absolute 'one-off', you might have both been able to forgive him and work through your marriage. However, the fact that your instincts prompted you to snoop in his phone - and turned out to be right - tells me that this guy is possibly a serial cheat. I can imagine how much you still love him, but you are very right to have your doubts as to whether you should take him back, as you deserve better than a cheating, lying scoundral.
I am not sure which country you are located in? The reason I ask is that here in the UK there are a number of charities/free government agencies that offer advice and support with relationship difficulties. This is a majorly difficult situation you are in - so perhaps your first step would be to contact such an organization?
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 05:56 pm
I too am so sorry to hear you've had to bear so much pain. The loss of trust, and then the double whammy of having him cheat on you a second time so quickly after the first, must be awful.
I have a sinking feeling that if you do decide to take this man back, he'll just continue his same behaviour. Some men are just like that and they can't help it. Do you want to be always living with the uncertainty and the fear?
Whatever you do decide to do, please know you'll get support here. Please now tap into all the support networks you have - family, friends etc. With a new baby, you're going to need people you can rely on.
You WILL get through though. It'll be hard, and sometimes you'll feel like you're drowning in sorrow. When it happened to me I felt like I would never be normal again. But you will make it. I wish you all the best.
Wed Nov 18 2009 - 11:49 pm
Thank you Smiler101 and Trace.
I just had a long talked with my husband via a long distant phone call. We touched all issues. He sounds very sincere to me and kept saying that he want us to be back together. He agreed with all of my conditions about him not doing this and that in order to rebuild our relationship. One thing he could not answer is what was the true cause that leaded to the affairs. He said it was not my fault but he does not know what cause him to did that. I told him if he unsure about that then how could we know for sure if he would not do it again in the future, how could we prevent it to happen again. I told him that but I do not know for sure if we should keep digging for a reason now?
Thanks,
Thu Nov 19 2009 - 01:10 am
Oh dear, the age old question - why do men cheat? I don't know that I have any answers there. Men do it I suppose because they want to. They live in the moment, although afterwards, when confronted by the pain they've caused, (unless they're without a heart), they're usually very sorry. This is when they're at their most beautiful self. They're kind, they cry, they're emotionally open, they beg our forgiveness and we (being the women we are) melt. However when our man is telling us what we so want to hear, this is where we're often at our most vulnerable.
I can appreciate you're in fear, and I can appreciate you don't want to lose the marriage. Whatever you do decide to do, start building your strength now. What support have you got? Make a list of people or organisations you can turn to, maybe check out some counselling options, increase the love you give to yourself and start putting your needs and desires first.
Sending you strength and love...
Thu Nov 19 2009 - 02:35 am
3dfan,
I am so sorry.
Do not believe his words.
Pay attention to his actions.
It sounds like he has an addiction. He will need counseling.
Thu Nov 19 2009 - 04:51 am
Hmmm. I don't buy him saying the affair was not your fault, but then telling you he had affairs because he was lonely because you were so busy. That's effectively telling you, the affair was your fault.
Sounds like a contradiction. And a really poor excuse.
And back to that age old question, why do men cheat? Well, in my opinion, some men cheat because they can. Because they want variety and they are mostly certain their significant other will not find out (ie. he's off on international business trips, works super late hours, etc.)
Other men cheat because they are immature and cannot see the consequences of their actions. For me, the definition of maturity is being able to forsee the consequences of one's actions and exercise some self-restraint.
For example, I shouldn't drink and drive because I could hurt someone or myself. I shouldn't eat that fast food for dinner, because I know I will feel bad later. I shouldn't cheat on my spouse, because I can forsee the pain it would cause her and myself and I don't want to lose my family.
These are the thoughts that a man would have. A mature, responsible man. Sorry to say, but your husband sounds like a little boy. "Oh, I want her", he goes out and grabs some strange girl from the gym without a second thought about how it would affect you and your family. Then afterwards, when he gets caught, he cries and goes on about it like a 3 year old to win your trust again. And then a month later, he's back with his hand in the candy jar. Do you see how ridiculous that is for a grown man to do?
If I were you, as hard as it is, I would ditch this guy. If you keep taking him back, he will never learn. And if you keep on getting back together with him, you don't want to end up with some STD or something as a forever reminder of his cheating. Because that's what happens when you stay with a guy who habitually sleeps around. You end up pregnant and the guy leaves you for the other woman, or you end up with an STD he got from someone else. Think about that.
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 12:23 am
Thank you all for sharing your thought. My delima is I have a 6 month old baby girl. He said he loves her very much and wants to see her everyday. So every morning, we got on video Skype so they can see each other. And ofcourse, I'm there to hold the baby. The counselor that I met told me that I should think about my baby, if I want the best for her, that for her to have a father in life or not. I do not know what is the right thing to do...
Fri Nov 20 2009 - 02:04 am
3dfan,
your baby does not need a father who is so irresponsible. If you stay with this man, he will keep repeating his pattern. He did it twice (the second time 3 days after he said sorry!!) and if you forgive him Again, he will keep doing it. He'll think you'll always forgive him.
If you stay, your baby might have her father in her life for a while but if her parents are not happy, she'll have an unhappy home.
It's much better for her to have two parents that are happy leading their separate lives than two parents who are together and unhappy. He can visit her once in a while. you can move on with your life and provide a stable home for her eventually. She needs a mother who can stand up for herself and won't let a man (even if it's her father) treat her badly. Otherwise, your baby girl will learn from your pattern of letting your man treat you badly, and might have the same issues one day in her life when she grows up. think about that. children learn from what they see.
I know it's really tough for you. My heart goes out to you and I wish you find the clarity an strength you need.
xx
Linnie.
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